Pet Euthanasia - De-Brief *Distressing, well to me*

My 'girl' Stolli (Kelpie x German Shepherd) had been with me since I was 19 years old, she was the first pet I bought and I had her since about 10 weeks old (and yep, I named her after Vodka). She was with me through many rough patches during failed relationships, moving across the countryside and other turbulence, and was with me when I met my (now) DH, had kids and led a typical adult like life.

Since I had kids etc she (and another younger dog I had since bought) had started to take a back seat in my life. They didn't get out and about as often as they had previously but they still knew they were very much loved parts of our family and were certainly never neglected.

About 2 weeks ago I felt something wasn't quite right with Stolli and I took her to the vet. I 'felt' her belly had been bloated though it hadn't changed size or shape, I dunno, it was just an feeling I had. But the vet checked her over thoroughly (I was a crying wreck after not having slept for the previous 36 hours) and he assured me her heart and lungs were fine but he detected a slightly irritated throat and gave some antibiotics. He said to return if there was no change in a week.

Well there was little change in her, she did seem a bit perkier at the end of the course of antibiotics but all changed suddenly upon returning home from a Xmas Eve get together.

Stolli looked like ragged, like just breathing was such an effort. She couldn't lay down for longer than 5 - 20 seconds without having to seemingly come up for air. I noticed as she plodded very slowly around her right hind leg was almost dragging behind her and she was walking on the top of her paw, as it doubled under onto the ground. I was in tears. Again this feeling had came over me - one of dread. A feeling, a hunch, knowing that if I take my girl to the vet it'll be the last. Yet I couldn't bare to watch her appear to be so uncomfortable, I would have felt cruel to ignore it.

So at about 10:15pm I had my brother come over as the kids were in bed and DH and I took the sad trip to the vet.

They immediately took her from us, placed her on oxygen and we waited for news, any news. This is one time I wish I could have been told I was wrong.

After a short while the Vet came in and explained there was fluid in her lungs and they had given her some drugs to help break down the fluid so she could cough it up. I asked to go in and see her and there was my poor girl, on that sterile silver table with all those lines, leads and tubes nearby - it wasn't nice. She looked scared, bewildered and when she saw me she rolled up as if to say "Mum, help!". I rested my head gently on her soft brown fur, my tears rolling down my cheeks and onto hers. I whispered to her that I loved her and that she'd been with me the longest (which is something I had always said to her over the years as the family had grown, it was our 'line' that no one else had ever heard). She seemed to be more worked up with me being there and the Vet said that due to her critical state she would likely be the first to see the 'hospital' vet in the morning. I said my goodbyes and told her I'd see her in the morning....leaving my furry girl on that table, scared, bewildered and fragile didn't sit right with me.

As we walked through a consult room I asked the vet to be honest about Stolli's chances of survival. She admitted she couldn't be 100% sure but taking into account her age (13) and her present state said that it wasn't looking too good. She spoke of tests and things they could / would do on her - and in my head I just felt there was no way she could be put through all of that. The vet said they wouldn't know until the morning if Stolli would be up to all those tests, but that it would be determined if she settled and calmed down through the night.

My head won over my heart. I asked for a moment with DH (who was also in tears) and we discussed what to do, but I knew ultimately I would have the final decision.

My decision was to let her go. I didn't want her to feel anymore pain than she had already endured. She didn't deserve to suffer, she was a brilliant family member, furry pal to my kids, and had been my pillow many times, had cuddled in with me so many nights during my days of singledom, she had sooo much personality, she 'groomed' up my younger dog Cash and was the reason I continued to live through some really dark times I'd gone through. I couldn't be selfish.

In the main reception area I told the vet what my decision was with tears rolling down my cheeks and said I wanted to be there during the injection. I wasn't going to let my best mate take the stairway alone.

This time when I entered the room after I'd voiced my decision Stolli didn't lift her head. When I got closer to her I could see she'd been coughing up blood. I whispered that I loved her so much and that she had been with me the longest. I thanked her for being such a loyal buddy and huge part of my life. I told her that I was sorry but to go and find her 'grandmum' (my Mum) once she got 'there'. As the vet lifted her paw to give her the injection Stolli rolled up and the vet nurse that had been standing on the other side of the table said 'its ok Stolli, we're all with you, you're not alone' - such nice words. And at that Stolls laid her head back down and gazed into my eyes for a brief moment until her pupil was fixed.....and she was gone.

(Far out I'm balling my eyes out just typing this!).

One week on and I collected her ashes today. I plan to put some into a keepsake bracelet, some in a pot plant and the remainder into a nice urn.

Over the past week I've felt some massive guilt about making the decision too early. At the time I felt what I was doing was 100% right, I had no doubt in my head. But now I'm not so sure. And that is absolutely killing me. I'm torturing myself over this. Hindsight is a wonderful thing I didn't have the benefit of 8 days ago.

Does this get any easier?!

Thanks for reading that marathon of a post, congrats if you got to the end of it!.

So sorry for your loss, I cried reading your post.

She is now at peace and pain free you did the right thing.

xoxo

Oh sweetheart, Im so sorry you had to make that awful decision. Stolli is so lucky to have a mum that loves her so much.
You did the right thing. She was suffering, your decision was the most humane one you could have made.

Rest in peace Stolli. Your family obviously loves you very much.

Hugs ladybird,

Sorry for the loss of your precious companion
From what you described I believe you did the right thing. You didn't want her to suffer, to have any more pain, you want her to have peace and I believe she would want the same for you, for you to be at peace. You saved her from pain and suffering.

I've said goodbye to a few pets. It's never easy.

RIP Stolli

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious pet *hugs* You made the right decision. I was in the exactly the same position and my DH reassured me that we did make the right decision because "it is better to let them go a day early than have them in a minute of pain".

Be kind to yourself as you grieve your precious dog.

Saying goodbye to pets is so hard.

Stolli was and is very loved.

Oh Ladybird I am so sorry for your loss. I have tears rolling down my face and want to send you lots of hugs.
I used to be a vet nurse and have been with many owners in the same situation. It is very very common to have feelings on top of the grief like guilt or regret, and to wonder whether you should have left them longer or given them another chance. Unfortunately our pets can't tell us what they want or need and we have to make those difficult decisions for them. From reading about her condition, I think you made the choice that was right for her, even though it was so painful. Whenever I have had to put my own pets down I have always questioned my decision, and it was never easy before or after. I think you did the right thing and she knew you were there at the end and that she was loved. :hug:

I am so sorry for your loss. :( I have recently been through the same thing with both of my dogs. In less than 3 months I had to make the heartbreaking decision twice with the second one being only 2 weeks ago. They were 16 & 17yrs old and both suffering arthritis making it very difficult for them to get around. I am still second guessing my decision. I am still grieving for them and feel guilty.
From your post, it sounds to me like you made the right decision but I understand doubting yourself because I have been too. remember what a great life she had and how loved she was.

Rest peacefully Stolli. Your Mummy clearly loves you so very much :hug:

So sorry for the loss of your precious mate :hug: it's a hard decision to make and I had to make that choice twice last year, my 13 year old dog in very similar circumstances. So completely understand that feeling of guilt :hug:

:comfort: Rest In Peace Stolli :( It sounds like you were incredibly loved :heartbeat:

Stolli's end sounds very similar to our Boofa, he died when I was about eleven. He was fine, then suddenly walking into things (he went blind within about half an hour as I watched) and collapsing. He ran full pelt into the trampoline, that's when my dad had to take him to the vet, eventually make that awful decision. First time I remember seeing dad cry :(

Oh man I am bawling my eyes out here. Massive hugs xx they are such a huge part of our lives and it breaks your heart when they go. Rest in peace dear Stolli x

What a heartbreaking story, I'm so sorry for your loss. Ready easy, Stolli.

Massive hugs for you hun, you know you did the right thing because you knew your Stolli the longest. the thoughts your having now are normal. It is hard though when the grief it as it highest. Just keep thinking of all the good memories you got to make with her.

So heartbreaking I'm sitting here bawling. hope your holding up ok.

Oh ladybird11, I am a complete mess reading your post. That must have been so heartbreaking to endure :hug: I fortunately have not had to experience that, but I feel very strongly when it comes to animals (more so than people lol) and can only imagine the pain yo must be feeling.
There is nothing more you could have done. Stolli was in her senior years and it is usually not recommended to commence surgery at that age. The tests would have been very expensive and invasive no doubt. And her last moments were with you, the love of her life no doub.I really hope you can find peace with your decision xx

Thank you ladies for your kind words, they've bought tears to my eyes. Simply reading her name sends the tears these days.

I don't think I even cried this much when my Mum passed away. What kind of daughter does that make me??

Oh hun, just the fact you are agonizing over letting her go shows how much you care about her and how careful you were with your decision.

I think a night on her own at the vet hospital without you would have been very hard on her. It sounds like you knew she had had enough. That was very brave of you.

:hug: as you get used to being at home with such a big furry hole. :(

much love we had to make the heart breaking decision on monday with our beautiful 12 yr 3mth old dog harry, so I knwo how you are feeling

Oh I'm so sorry. I'm crying after reading your post :(
It is sooo hard losing a pet, they can be like family.
I had to make the decision to say goodbye to a beloved dog who saw me through childhood who was very old and couldn't move around easily anymore. I remember bursting into tears because I got cranky at her for not sitting still in the waiting room. I felt so mean cos of what we were about to do to her :( but then I was with her when she got the injection and cuddled her and whispered to her until she was limp.
It is extremely hard to do but you did the right thing because you care for your girl. You would never have said goodbye if you didn't have to.

Aww, ladybird, I'm so sorry you had to make such a heart wrenching decision. It sounds like it was the right one though. Be kind to yourself and grieve her. I believe she is in a better place :hug:

I'm sorry you've lost your little Stolli. I think it's only natural that your grief would be compounded by guilt since it was you who had to make that decision. It does sound like you made the best one for her, though.