*Vent and Advice* Smoking around my kids

Ds is 10 weeks old today. We visited my parents for the 2nd time since he was born, I'm trying to avoid going there because mum smokes in the house and so we have had them over to our place instead. I know everyone has differing views and my view is in no way a reflection on anyone else it's my own personal opinion. When DD was born I spoke to my mum about smoking. I asked her to wash her hands after smoking if she wanted to hold her and to not smoke in the house with us there or near her if we were outside. She took it personally, was offended by it but accepted it but still needed reminding about it. Now DS is born and she is not washing her hands and when we were there I went to feed DS in her room. When I came out she was outside with DD and was smoking right next to her, DD was at her feet. I wish I'd said something then and there but I didn't argh :( Anyway I'm sick of it. The smoke still lingers in the air for up to 5 hrs after a smoker has a smoke, it is on their clothes, skin etc. If I had my way she wouldn't smoke at all. I don't want my kids exposed to it at all. I don't want my baby to be breathing in chemicals from her clothes, I don't want her smoking near my kids or in front of them. I have made comments before when DD has asked to go outside with nanny and I've said in front of my mum that no you can't go outside nanny is having a smoke and it will make you sick yet she still did this. I know it should be as clear cut as just putting my foot down and telling her to stop again but I guess I need a bit of encouragement and some suggestions of how to do it without it causing a rift. My mum is renowned for giving the silent treatment and although this might happen the health of my kids comes first. Im pretty sure she thinks im being ridiculous, her mindset will be that she smoked in all 5 of her pregnancies, smoked in the house/car with us growing up and we are all fine. I need to vent, I'm sick of it and she is well aware of how I feel about it yet she has put me in this situation again!

Your mum is being unreasonable, she is an adult and should know not to smoke in front of kids. But laying down the law is never easy with a parent. My suggestion is the next time you see your mum to sit down and have an open conversation about your rules with regards to smoking and your children. Do it face to face so there can be no misunderstanding. It really sucks though. My mum was similar, she thinks holding a cigarette at arms length is ok with kids, and when I asked her not to smoke in her house when we were staying she thought I meant only when the kids were awake so when we went into the living room in the morning the room stunk of smoke. Sadly my son was suffering from lung issues and became very ill after a visit to her house and I was furious and made sure she knew exactly how ill she had made him. We never even went into her house again and met at a mutual location or I stayed with my sister. If you can avoid a situation like that you can save a lot of heartbreak. If your mum won't comply then perhaps you won't be able to visit her in her home any more.

I doubt you will change her ways. I personally would just stop going over to her home and put a no smoking on the property sign on your front window so when she arrives she sees it.

Both my parents smoke, only outside in their designated smoking corner though. They always brush their teeth and change their shirts afterwards without me asking.

You are not being unreasonable. I insisted that everyone wash their hands regardless when touching my newborns - it was only once they started moving about and crawling and picking up goodness knows what off the floor that I let that rule lift.

No one smokes in my home. I don't care who you are it is not allowed - no, not even in the backyard. If you can't visit me for a few hours without lighting up then don't bother coming over. My children's (and my) health is far more important to me than your habit.

I have the same ongoing issue with my MIL. Bottom line is, we don't visit her home as she refuses to smoke outside. She was more than a little put out when I politely asked her to do so when we visited! I got a huge lecture about it being HER home and it was her right to do whatever the heck she pleases in HER home and how dare I suggest otherwise. So now, if she wants to see my children she comes here. I have made it ever so clear that this is MY home and she will abide by MY rules in MY home, particularly when it comes to the well being of MY children. :lol:

Good luck, it's a tricky one but definitely a battle worth having.

hmm FIL smokes. But always goes out the front & sits down on the box thingy that is near the road. I have never thought of telling him he can not smoke when visiting my home, inside or out. He would just go further down the road if I did though. But I hate that he then comes in with the stink on him. I complained once & he replied with a smart comment about me being his mother.. I replied (bluntly) that No I was not, but you are in my home stinking up my furniture when you sit!

Just tell her that it isn't acceptable behaviour and you will not accept it - and you will not visit her until you can see that she will abide by your rules about smoking near your children.

It may not be easy for you, but TBH what's the worst that can happen? She ignores you completely? So your children are not around smoke, nor around someone who shows them that it's OK to ignore what Mummy wants.

How can anyone smoke in their home? Yuk! And I used to be a smoker!
My DH smokes and I am always nagging him about it. Even after he comes inside the smell just floods the whole house for ages. He is not allowed in bed if he hasn't showered because the smell sticks to the sheets, it makes me gag. We have spoken about when this baby is born and I have already told him that he may as well quit because he will never be holding his own child. mean , but I need to get the msg across. So I came home the other night with a box of nicotine patches. FX it works, he wants to give up too.
I would just be as stubborn as possible, without making a big deal. Just simple orders like "no, you've had a smoke" when she wants a hold etc.

You are not being unreasonable at all. We had similar rules when DD1 was born. Unfortunately my Dad couldn't accept them and saw them as a personal attack on him (apparently by changing his short often smoking and washing his hands we were trying to make him into a 'fake' person). In the end he decided not to be a part of our lives anymore (yep, he felt that strongly about it.....). Stick with your instincts. They are your kids and you choose how you want them to be parented.

Thanks ladies :)

I would stop going around there and tell her why. It isn't acceptable to be doing it around your children, you are the parent and decide whether or not they are around that and the truth is it is harmful. My mum smokes and knows that I hate it but she always washes her hands after a smoke, doesn't smoke inside and goes far away if we are outside. It is all about respecting your children. Best of luck.

My mum knows the ground rules when we visit and theres only ever one rule.
Under no circumstances is she to smoke around my kids.
Granted, she's only met DS twice and never met DD but at least she knows the rules

Thanks so much ladies, great advice here. Now to speak to her!

Babyluv the QUIT has a leaflet on smoking and babies, would it help convince her if you showed it to her?

http://www.health.wa.gov.au/docreg/E..._pregnancy.pdf

Thanks Chrispe,
Yes that might help, ill print it out.

You poor thing, you shouldn't even have to be put in a position to have to talk to your mother about this, with all the education about smoking that is in our faces constantly, she should know that second hand smoke is just as dangerous as picking up a cigarette and smoking it yourself. I think I would stop going round there as well. I hope your chat goes well. :hug:

wow, babyluv, you are up against it.

how do you argue your point, with someone with an entrenched view like hers? (e.g i smoked with five kids and they turned out fine yada yada). Someone who is obviously got their fingers in their ears, about CURRENT health warnings, tv ads about not smoking etc. And how harmful it is to children especially.

I think the above posts are by people who have obv been in your position, and have had to make the firm stand - something you probably have been thinking about, but dreading putting into action, hoping against hope, that your mum would "come around".

it's sad, she is so addicted, she loves the fags, more than the well being of her grandkids.

best of luck, with how this all pans out. You're in an impossible situation, she is FORCING you to choose between your kids and her. You've given her many chances. Hard to stand up to someone like that, but you're the mama lion, you do what you have to do.

hugs.

Yes Gigi it's so darn hard.
I absolutely love my mum but her smoking is the one thing that causes me grief about her. I really wish she would quit, it would change so many things. I would be so much more at ease when visiting them. It is hard, she has never tried to quit, she says she wouldn't be able to do it but the truth is she loves it too much I think. I will try again. Straight to the point and firm like I have been in the past but I really don't want this to cause a rift. I hope that she will finally see it from my point and if I come armed with proof of the impact second hand smoke has then maybe that will help. Does anyone know where I can get my hands on those kinds of pamphlets? I feel sick to my stomach knowing I have to sit down and talk to her about this again.

I know it's a UK website, but try http://www.nhs.uk/livewell/smoking/p...ngnewhome.aspx - it's the NHS and they have had a big stop smoking push in the last couple of years. The following part of an article about the top reasons people use to stop smoking and may be useful to you (links removed).

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Quit when you become a grandparent
Why quit? You probably want to spend as much time with your new grandchild as possible, but if you smoke you could be harming the baby’s health. Consider how your son or daughter may feel about you smoking around their baby.

Children who breathe in secondhand smoke are at more risk of cot death or conditions including allergies, asthma, chest infections and breathing problems.

Moving to the other side of the room to smoke, or even into another room, doesn’t completely remove the risk.

Even if you open a window, or move to a different room, secondhand smoke will still be present in a room after two-and-a-half hours. Even if you can't see or smell any smoke, it's probably still there. Smoking in a car is even worse because all of the smoke is concentrated into a small space.

Stay motivated: Tell yourself that you’re quitting not only for your own health, but that of your grandchild. And don’t be put off by the fact you may have been smoking for many years. A recent study by the UK Centre for Tobacco Studies found that older smokers using NHS stop-smoking services are more likely than younger ones to quit successfully.

Read about the risks of passive smoking and how the NHS can help you to stop smoking.

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Also ring Quitline. 137848. Tell them your situation and they can send you out a help pack.

There's much more to this than smoking - it's the principle of "I am in charge of my kids' health and I don't want you messing with it". Otherwise you will always be wondering if they are safe when they are there later on without you.
I would be trying to meet up at outside venues for a while, and not going to her house. If she asks why then be very honest - to protect my babies' lungs.

I agree. When we bought our prem baby home we had to explain and limit more than smokers.

Even now we still have the 'junk food/no junk food' argument with grandparents. Not directly health threatening, but when you have a mum who has type 2 diabetes and still doesn't eat healthy.....

You are their mum, you are strong!

Thanks :)
Yes the junk food one is a hard one hey Chrispe? I have a SIL who thinks I'm such a mean mum because I don't give my two yr old junk food.