I feel like I'm in limbo...

Did any of you ever feel like you didn't really have a baby???

With DD2 in hosp I really struggle to feel like she's mine. I know many of you have/had it much worse, but the couple of short holds a day just really isn't cutting it. I feel more like I'm going to visit a friends baby rather than my own. I feel like we just don't have a proper bond (gee I hate writing this, I feel like a terrible mum and am in tears). I don't know...maybe part of it is due to the difficult pregnancy and I never wanted to let myself get too excited. All I know is I'm meant to have an almost two week old that I should be cuddling day and night and falling in love with and protecting and caring for but I'm not able to.

big hugs :hug:

its really hard going from being pregnant to having a baby in NICU/SCN and not with you. I found I didn't feel like a mother despite the regular holds and bf until I took my little one home. then it hit both me and DH that 'WOW, we have a baby!'

i hope her stay isn't for too much longer and you get to bring her home soon :hug:

I have no advice, as I've never had a NICU baby, but I couldn't read and not post. You're doing the best you can, for you and your baby.

Praying you can take her home and hold her in your arms all day and night, very very soon :hug:

Hugs. My ds2 was in the SCN for 16 days. I struggled a lot with that. I just wanted to take him home. I hope you baby is home soon with you.

I struggled with my DD in the nicu. (she was born 3 months early and stayed in the nicu for ages after her due date.

I don't think she really felt "mine" until we walked out of the hospital doors and got home.

Hugs.

Are you seeing a social worker or psych at the hospital about these feelings?

Oh hun, it is very normal to be feeling the way you do please don't feel you're a bad mother because of it... You are NOT!! I know it is in some ways harder to have a little one at home already because your attention and thoughts can be drawn to her needs when you're home but then sometimes you'll catch yourself doing that and think you should be thinking of the baby more and feel guilty. It's really a no win situation I suppose. Just be there and love your baby when you can and know that as she gets bigger and stronger those times will increase and before you know it you'll look back and say to yourself wow was that really 5 years ago we went through all that!? (my dd1 turns 5 in about a month and its incredible to think how lifes moved on in that time).
On a practical note do you have PHI? When dd1 was able to transfer from top nicu care she was able to tranfer hospitals to where she wouldve been born and I could be admitted there also (as a boarder I think) and so I was able to be with her full time for all feeds changes baths etc just like I wouldve been if we were at home. Of course it meant someone had to look after ds1 all the time but I was blessed to have mil, mum and a sister to share the care of him while sh was working. Course I was prone to feeling guilty about this too but in reality getting dd1 strong and fully BFing became my priority, at least until she was home then it was more 'normal'.
I hope she's able to head home really soon so you will stress less and be able to 'fully' enjoy and get to know your little girl. :hugs:

Oh hun, it is very normal to be feeling the way you do please don't feel you're a bad mother because of it... You are NOT!! I know it is in some ways harder to have a little one at home already because your attention and thoughts can be drawn to her needs when you're home but then sometimes you'll catch yourself doing that and think you should be thinking of the baby more and feel guilty. It's really a no win situation I suppose. Just be there and love your baby when you can and know that as she gets bigger and stronger those times will increase and before you know it you'll look back and say to yourself wow was that really 5 years ago we went through all that!? (my dd1 turns 5 in about a month and its incredible to think how lifes moved on in that time).
On a practical note do you have PHI? When dd1 was able to transfer from top nicu care she was able to tranfer hospitals to where she wouldve been born and I could be admitted there also (as a boarder I think) and so I was able to be with her full time for all feeds changes baths etc just like I wouldve been if we were at home. Of course it meant someone had to look after ds1 all the time but I was blessed to have mil, mum and a sister to share the care of him while sh was working. Course I was prone to feeling guilty about this too but in reality getting dd1 strong and fully BFing became my priority, at least until she was home then it was more 'normal'.
I hope she's able to head home really soon so you will stress less and be able to 'fully' enjoy and get to know your little girl. :hugs:

*massive hugs* Having a baby in SCN is really hard. I haven't had one personally, but I have worked in SCN a fair bit and have had similar conversations with other mummies who feel the same way. I hope she is home soon.

No experience but just wanted to tell you that you are being a brilliant mummy :hug:

It's such a long journey having an scn/nicu baby, all three of mine were and I found it so hard leaving ds even though I had done it all before. Find someone at the hospital to talk too. We also hassled our peadiatrician every day about when we could take our kids home especially dd1 who was there the longest. He admitted later that he took that as a sign we were ready and capable to take her home so he allowed her home sooner. Have you started a journal or dairy so when you are feeling down you can look at the pictures and thoughts? I used to look at photos as much as I could when away from them, fingers crossed you get your dd home soon.

Just wanted to offer you a :hug: My sister's firstborn was in NICU on c-pap for nearly a week after his birth at 38 weeks, so I've a tiny idea of how difficult it must be for you. I truly hope you get your baby girl home very soon. xx

It's awful.. I hated parenting in NICU because of it.. However, remind yourself she IS your baby and do as much for her as you can when you are there.. Don't be afraid to challenge the nurses 'routines' , I made the nurses ask me permission to do anything, rather than the other way around.. some parents are scared so it's easy for the nurses to take over.. Don't miss out on doing things with bub just because it's not convenient for the nurses to wait til you're there (Eg; if bub gets bathed at 9am and you don't get there til 10, tell them they must wait for you.)The words "Can you show me how to do that" are very valuable.. Get them to show you how to do things if you aren't sure. However we were in intensive care for ages, in SCN it's not as relevant as they do allow you to do most things.. In any case I had a not on DS's cot stating that they were not able to do anything without my permission unless it was lifesaving.

What is your DD's health like? Why are you only able to hold her a couple of times a day?? You should be able to hold her the whole time. Are you doing all her feeds, nappy changes, baths??

I don't really know your situtation, maybe you can't be there all the time? If this is the case call on family, friends, the community (BB) and get them to help you so the bub in hospital is your only focus. Your other child will be ok, it's your baby that needs you now.

I know exactly how you feel. It took weeks before I felt like DD was 'mine'. It was just like visiting someone in Hospital. Staring at them through a plastic box day after day week after week. No bonding. Just visiting.

Things changed at 4w when we moved to a smaller SCN and DD was in an open cot and we were able to hold her.

Good luck with everything.

Hugs hun. Mine was in SCN just for the night and that was hard enough. Is there something you could do like create a scrapbook with photos and your written memories of this time? Would that help a bit

Hope you're bringing your little one home very soon.

I pm you. I completly understand

Completly understand. I absolutely lost it on day 5 when they still hadn't let me give Milla a bath, even though I had been able to bathe her sister. I was a crying hysterical mess. I realise now that it was because her temperature wasn't stable, but at the time I felt like I had no control over my baby. I felt very detatched almost. I would drive to see them and really, I could of been driving to see anyones baby. I was desperate to get home to DH and DS (they were at home over an hour away). I didn't even really know what the girls looked like becasue of the tape on their faces.
I am getting tears now just thinking about it because I can't ever imagine feeling that way now - they are the light of my life (along with their brother) but during our hospital stay, I was so frustrated and unsure of my surroundings. I had some fabulous young nurses that were willing to show me how things worked, and got me to fill in all the charts and reattach their cords etc, but other nurses made it very hard on us (or so I felt at the time). I should add that I felt similar to Charlotte91, when we moved to our hospital closer to home and the feeding tubes came out and their temperature regulated better, I felt more like they were 'mine'.

The best thing to do is don't hold it all in. I never really told anyone how I felt while the girls were in SC, and how much it affected me. I probably didn't really realise myself until I watched an eposide of Offspring a few months ago, and it showed a baby in the SC nursery, and I started crying and couldn't stop. Have you asked if there is anyone at the hospital that you are able to talk to? If not, talk to us! As these posts show, you are not alone in the way you feel.

Big hugs and fingers crossed your baby is home with you soon xx

Thanks everyone. It's great to hear I'm not alone in my feelings (not that I'd wish these feeling or experience on anyone). I'll be honest in that I'm not really talking to anyone about my feelings. I've said little things to others, but no one really understands like you guys do. I don't even feel like DH really understands how I'm feeling. I think I don't like talking to others too much as I feel like all they want to know is when she's coming home so they can hold her. Well, they probably don't mean it to sound like that but that's the way it feels. Also, I hate being asked by family how she's doing all the time. I know they mean well, but there's not always anything significant to say....

Thanks for letting me ramble on to all of you.

Massive hugs hon xx I hope your little one is home with you soon. Never doubt that you are a great mum.

Big hugs. I didn't feel I was really DD1's mum until I got her home, for the 4 weeks she was in the hospital were sureal where people other than me had complete control of my child. With DD2 I was more forceful of what I would do. I was luck I had family to take DD1 while I could spend most of the day at the hospital and to prepare before bringing her home. DS was born on his due date, I came home with a 2 day old baby and was absolutely petrified of my "giant baby" who was the combined weight of his sisters birthweights

((hugs)) chody,
It's not easy being a NICU/SCBU mum. I didn't feel like DS3 was truly mine until we knew we were going home (even then it didn't seem real). Everything you are feeling is normal, even feeling abnormal is 'normal'.

For me when I felt like I could cope as mummy I decided to 'nurse' my baby to health. I took over as many 'cares' as I could. Told the nurses I want to be the one to feed DS3 all the feeds I was there for. Including gavage feeding, made them show me how to do it. Got them to explain what monitors were for and what were the safe zones and danger zones for each reading. Basically got them to teach me as much of their job as they could, so that I was the one caring for bub. I realize you might not be able to do all of it, but tell the nurses/midwives you are looking for ways to bond with baby and they should help you.
Another thing that helped me was the parents support group in the hospital. It's good to know you have other people there who have been through and are going through similar times.
Have you seen the social worker? They can help you talk with the doctors and come up with a flexible plan for how things could go.


Also a quick little tool I just came across today: little treasures NICU WORDS app. Designed to help you understand what's going on.

I wish the best for you and your bub. May your baby grow quickly and healthily, and be home soon.

Thanks everyone!

Just so you know, when I'm at the hospital I do do everything for DD2. I just find it hard because she can't be out the humidi crib for long (and I know I should be grateful she CAN come out) because we want her to put on weight.

We do have lots of help with DD1, but she is so clingy when I'm around that I feel extremely guilty each time I leave her so don't visit DD2 as much as I could which in turn makes me feel more guilty.....

Wow- I could have written this exact post 6 months ago. The guilt that comes from having to choose which child you are going to spend time with is awful! also, the guilt that comes from the lack of bonding as well. I went through the same thing when DS was in the PICU. At one stage he was so ill I couldn't touch him for two weeks, I think part of the lack of bonding for me was self preservation as well- if things don't go well, maybe I'll cope better if I'm not 100% bonded. Not logical but I think subconsciously that was what was going on.

I agree that dd1 will be fine during this time while you are with your baby. My DD coped amazingly well and she was left almost daily for the 9 weeks we were in hospital. You and your baby need each other.

I am sending you huge cyber hugs as I know exactly how you feel. It's an awful situation that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. x