In desperate need for ideas about DD's behaviour

I am so utterly embarrassed and ashamed at my behaviour today :( I completely and utterly lost it with DD. I screamed, yelled and smacked her :cry:
I am beyond desperate and really need some more strategies to deal with my DD's behaviour.
My 5 year old DD and has always been strong willed, stubborn, determined young lady who can throw whopper tantrums. Her tantrums result in her yelling, screaming, squealing, throwing things and herself around, she holds onto tables, doors, beds, our arms/legs screaming and crying, irritational behaviour and she is unable to calm herself down.
We have tried many different strategies;
- holding her til she calms down,
- placing her in her room to calm down,
- talking to her why her behaviour is unacceptable,
- ignoring the tantrum,
- asking her to go into another room until she calms down and then come back to talk to us
- rewarding her good behaviour,
- discipling her bad behaviour,
- praising ALL good behaviours no matter how little
- thanking her for ALL good behaviours
- she misses out on doing fun activities,
- she is removed from the area she is throwing a tantrum if doing it in public
- continue on with our day and if she doesn't stop throwing her tantrum and do what I ask she missed out on whatever we are doing next
No matter what we do it just escalates her tantrum. She just cannot calm herself down. We do not do any discipline when she is throwing a tantrum as it seems like she has no control over her behaviour.
She has started school this year and so far she has thrown two of these tantrums. They are so embarrassing for me as a parent and for her also. I am so worried about the impression she is making on the other parents and whether it is going to affect her making friends and being able to go to friends house. I am terrified she is going to be labelled. DD is a very busy child and has a short attention span so I am getting increasingly concerned she is going to get labelled showing this behaviour.
Her tantrums are getting worse and more frequent :(

I am not proud of myself at all with my behaviour today but I snapped and lost it. I just don't know what to do anymore. To be honest I'm mortified at my behaviour today - no mother should yell at their child the way I did today :cry: I am actually feeling sick to my stomach about it.

My DD is the most beautiful, wonderful, loving and caring little girl and I want everyone to know this little girl not the girl throwing these god awful, uncontrollable tantrums.

Please help. Any ideas/suggestions?

TIA,
Dan.

Liviam first of all please dont beat yourself up for losing your cool ok ....soemtimes we as parents lose our control thats life :(

Have you taken her to gp and told him/her what her behaviour can be like ? It could be diet could be lack of sleep it could be a combination of things ....

Hugs to you

Ps i have stood in the house and made the same noise my 4 1/2 yr old did (and it must have sounded stupid as it made him stop) and when he finally calmed down i said does mum sound silly ? he said yes and i said well thats what you sound like and i dont speak to someone who is making silly nonsense noise !

pss i have completely lost it as well and i felt horrible just like your feeling now but we cant always be the 'calm parent' especially when the behaviour is soooo constant and you know that the child is just being naughty for the sake of it as he/she wants something and you said no and they dont like the word NO...

Oh big :hug: to you. They know just how to push our buttons and really wear us down to the point of not recognising ourselves sometimes. You are not the first and won't be the last to lose it with your child.

I have no real suggestions as it sounds like you have tried so many things, and my kids are not yet at that age, but are there some resources at the school that may be able to help to give you some strategies? It doesn't sound like she is undisciplined, moreso just unable to deal with emotions and self soothe. A psychologist or someone may be able to work one on one with her to help her calm herself, and also give you some ideas of how to diffuse the situation.

Aww, hugs hugs :hug:. It's awful when we hit the end of our tether, good on you for seeking help :hug:.

It sounds really hard going for you all. It certainly sounds like you have tried lots of different strategies! Have you thought about what she is eating? Could what she is eating perhaps be causing her tantrums? The reason I ask is because my DS1 has ADHD and we found a HUGE difference in his behaviour when we cut out nasty additives and gluten from his diet. Some people notice that dairy causes their child to have behavioural issues. DS1 is much calmer and better behaved when he does not have those things. Even his teacher asked what we had done to him! I found the Fedup website (it's Australian based) really helpful in regards to info about food intolerances and behavioural issues.

I was going to say the same thing - that my step-sister found that gluten and dairy set her DD1 off to the point that they have had to restrict it totally. Her behaviour improved out of sight within days and they can tell if she has eaten anything she shouldn't as it really affects her behaviour.

I have no advice at all but just wanted to pass on a :hug:

Parenting is just SO freakin' hard some days isn't it? :comfort:

What set today's one off??

:hug:

I'm not sure what to suggest either beyond getting a referral to a paed to investigate things like diet, chemical imbalances, etc. Might also be worth investigating with the school if they have student counsellors who might be worth a chat with. How about her teacher? Have you discussed it with him/her?

Mainly though I just want to say you're a great mum. We all lose it at times and while none of us are proud of it, the important thing is that you know its not going to be a productive way of dealing with Miss and I'd put the house on it not happening again any time soon. I'd also bet that you're feeling a whole lot worse about the situation than little Miss is.

Sending you heaps and heaps and heaps of hugs and love.

No advice sorry but just hugs :hug:

:hug: You already know I think you're awesome and such a great mum to your gorgeous kids. Sending you heaps of hugs, you know where to find me if you need to chat/vent/cry xo

Sounds like you have tried just about everything!
Do you think your DD may have sensory issues? Sensory integration/processing disorder kids may be soothed by strong stroking or even brushing on their skin.
Also, it could be the tantrums have stepped up a notch because of starting school? It's SO tiring and my kids' behaviour is always particularly affected by lack of sleep (as is mine!).

As others have said, you are doing a great job. I too am embarrassed about things I've said to my kids in the heat of the moment. I have found it important to talk about it after the event when we've all calmed down. Sometimes I owe them an apology and I think it's really important to actually apologise. And usually I explain why I was so upset. Natalie is 6 and I have just started talking to her about what kind of decisions she makes. I believe she's at a good age for owning her behaviour and in our quiet moments we discuss making "helpful" decisions and "unhelpful" decisions. In our case, it's her attitude that erks me. She can often be deliberately nasty and rude, I assume testing boundaries and all, but none the less it's unacceptable.
All the best - it's a tough gig. xx

:hug:
I second the diet suggestion, certain foods will trigger DD off badly and her behaviour will be feral.

My DS is doing the same & his swimming instructer had to deal with the awesomeness yesterday (at school, so I wasn't there).

I hate it. It is embarrassing. He's known for it :rolleyes: I'm just hoping he out grows it for now.

First, I think it's a pretty normal (and understandable!) part of parenting that we occasionally throw our own wobblies. :hug:
Just a few thoughts - are you aware of any specific triggers? Have you talked about it when she's doing well? It might also be really worthwhile investigating diet, too. Even totally innocuous things like fruit can cause wobblies in some kids.
Hang in there. It sounds like you're doing a great job with difficult circumstances.

My childcare centre has FedUp available for borrowing so I'll look into that when I drop the boys off tomorrow. I've stripped their diets before and did notice a bit of improvement so it might be worth looking into it further. Fingers crossed I can learn how to cook well enough as not to need many tins/premade sauces. School snacks could be a huge battle for me to make things.
MIL is also going to contact a friend of hers who deals with children with difficult behaviours to get some pointers for us on how to defuse her before it gets too bad and also pointers on what to do when she is having her melt downs.
DH & I tried to talk to her tonight but she can't explain/articulate why she does it and what we could do to help her calm down. Not much help sadly.
Thank you all so much for your support and suggestions.
This parenting gig is so damn difficult.

I did apologise to DD for yelling at her. She remember everything I yelled at her and said "are you sorry for saying ...... and sorry for saying....... and sorry for saying......." Cheeky little mite :)

LOL! Ah yes, no one has kids so they can feel better about themselves, do they? Good on you anyway for showing her the respect it's very easy to demand for yourself. And now give yourself a break. ;)

:hug:

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...This parenting gig is so damn difficult.

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Yeah, it is. :hug:

You sound a bit more positive now! The food stuff is very hard, but worth it when they start acting human. Also, you've posed the question, so it might just take a while for her to process it. Who knows, she may come back to you with some ideas or suggestions a bit later on?
Anyway, good luck!

Huge hugs. You are a fab mummy. Kids push boundaries and its so difficult. x

No advice but huge hugs. I yelled very loudly at my DD1 today too. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Sounds like you have a plan of attack, good luck hun xo