don't know how to take the next step

I moved into the spare bedroom a few weeks/months ago.

We have completely stopped communication except to do with the kids, and 'how was your day?' and talking about practicalities of daily life. When the kids go to bed, I go into 'my' lounge room and he goes into his. This is the extent of our relationship and has been for as long as I can remember.

We tried counselling, he said he loves me, I told him I am not getting anything emotionally or physically from him and I am not prepared to live as house mates for the rest of my life. He agreed things weren't ideal. Counselor gave us ideas and things to try to improve the situation. We didn't do any of them. Nothing has changed.

I have felt like this periodically over the 8 years we have been together. He refuses to really talk about anything and seems okay to live like this. I am not okay with it, but am living with it, for the sake of the kids I guess.

I am getting to the point where I am angry all the time at home, I'm angry with the kids, angry at my situation, I'm lonely, I'm teary, I feel like I'm on the brink of an emotional breakdown... I am too scared to tell my family for fear of their reaction. I have left before for a few days and then gone back.

I have the resources to rent a house and move out. I am just overwhelmed with how to do it. What about all the stuff? There's so much that goes into a house, like plates, dishes, sheets, beds - I know this is all stuff that doesn't really matter but moving a 3 & 6 year old into a new house, I need to have stuff so that life can go on.

I don't know where to turn or what to do next. I am racked with guilt tearing my family apart because I am not happy. I want more out of life than a room mate. I am so scared and emotional and can't eat. I feel like I know what I want to do, but cannot function properly to actually do it. He won't leave, so it means I have to take my kids from our family home and move into another house. It kills me to do this, but at the same time I know it has to be this way, as I would be too sad to stay in this house.

The kids love him and he adores them. He is a good dad. We are just not right together and I feel I have completely lost sense of who I am. I feel so neglected. I haven't been hugged, kissed, or cared for in what feels like forever.

Any advice or comments appreciated.

No advice but couldn't read and not post. The situation doesn't sound right for you. I wanted to offer you some hugs.

I don't have any advice but wanted to come in and offer support and plenty of hugs. There are a few members that have been faced with this type of situation, hopefully they can give you some advice on what to do.

just wanted to offer hugs. it must be hard.
I have no advice but there are plenty of fantastic women on here who will have.
xoxo

You sound where I was not all that long ago, my ex and I did the whole flat mate thing for about 8 months. It wasn't ideal, I didn't know how to go. I didn't want the kids thinking it was normal either for a home to run like that.
Finally I took the leap and left, it was hard I won't lie but its a year since I moved out and I'm so much better for it.
I moved back closer to my parents, the kids adjusted to new area, school etc.
Centrelink couldn't help me til I'd signed a lease, that was biggest problem luckily for me we agreed for me to take money out of the mortgage we had to pay first month rent and bond for my new place then once that was in place I could set up centrelink. You can apply for seperated under one roof but the form is quite long.
As for belongings, take the big stuff, washing machine, dryer, fridge, then all your stuff and kids stuff, we devided plates etc but really you can buy $12 dinner sets at kmart, I wouldn't worry too much bout small stuff.
Will your ex help you through the move?
As for the guilt, well I still do feel guilty at times. I get my eldest saying she wants us all to live together but I do know its better now having everyone getting along than living in a home of tension and unhappiness.
Feel free to ask me any other questions.

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation.
Maybe you both have got lost in being parents and other roles that you both don't know who you are anymore?
It doesn't sound like its completely gone, just off track.

Have you tried, to just spend time together alone? Not all the time but say once a week to start off with. Maybe this time could be spent not talking about anything but each other. Tell him how you are feeling, vice versa. Guys are sometimes clueless!
My parents started off like this, and eventually my mum realised she had lost herself (there were and still are, other issues) but she kept telling my dad everything was fine. So he took it as that.
He still regrets not taking time out to work on stuff. 20+ years later.

Its been empty and ordinary for so long I think I have passed the point of wanting to try and make things work.... I have told him how I feel, and spelled out what I want together with the counsellor, like more attention, some text messages, some nights to go out for dinner etc, but he just doesn't do any of it. I think actions speak stronger than words.

I feel like our relationship could continue just as it is, with us living separately... does that make any sense? I think we could still go to family events together, still maybe catch up with the kids. I just don't want to live together under the one roof. I want time to myself to be me and not feel like I have to 'ask' for that time. I want to go do new things and meet new people. I am 33 and still feel very young. I don't want to settle for this life just because we have kids together.

It freaks me out to think of being on my own when it will be his turn for the kids, and it freaks me out to think of him with a new partner down the track... but I basically feel like I am on my own now anyway - I don't have anyone to confide in, anyone to talk to, to comfort me, I keep how I feel to myself. Surely if I were to live on my own it wouldn't be that different, and at least I would have the chance to meet someone new, even just as a friend.

If I left I would have to do it without telling him, while he is at work or something. I have told him recently that I've found a place to rent and want to move out if things don't get better. I don't think he takes it seriously. I can't talk to him about anything, we are so disconnected...

I feel like maybe some time ago I was in the state of mind to want to try try try to work things out, but now I am just worn down and tired of it all and feel like I am over it, and he has had plenty of time to put in some effort himself but hasn't. He is probably very comfortable with me and the kids and this family sort of life. He is probably hoping I just get over my unhappiness and get on with it, as I have done in the past. I just wish he would admit that its over and we could work out a joint solution together, rather than me running away in the night.

My ex partner and I were in this limbo land for quite some time and we finally made the decision to split in January. He's moving out in April.

Now that we've made the decision, I can tell you that the stage you're in is the hardest especially when the other party is happy to remain in limbo land.

I think the worst thing about your situation is that you have no-one to talk to. Go to your GP and arrange to see a counsellor - especially as the worry is affecting how you function day-to-day. Talk it through with them. Just being able to get things off your chest is massively helpful rather than keeping the worries in your head.

This is a bit left field but I'd also recommend you watch a series on the ABC called Making Couples Happy - you can watch it on iview. It's about couples who are having serious relationship issues. I've watched it after making the decision to split and it kind of confirmed that decision. It may go the other way for you and you might learn things that would be worth trying in a last ditch attempt.

I was in your situation with my ex husband where we basically co existed inthe house but minus the kids. I thought that I was holding things together pretty well and that nobody knew how unhappy I was. Once I decided to leave my family was amazing they were there for me every step of the way. Your family probably knows your not happy but they don't interfere until you tell them what's going on.

As for the kids they will adjust but it will take time. If your happy they will be happy. I won't lie there will be times when you feel lonely but eventually when you start living your life the way you want the loneliness will pass. I wish you luck in whatever you choose to do and just remember you are stronger that you think

I understand your situation.

If your ready to finish it, to really go you'll feel it.

May I ask why you would do it while he's at work? are you worried about something?

I would suggest talking with a lawyer, just so you know how the land lies and what's ok / not ok. With kids involved its always a good thing to know.

Then I would talk with your hubby. Give him a finally chance, and a timeframe to do.something in.

If he blows it, then take your time and get everything together.
Like pp said, if your going to move out, and you have the kids, take the big ticket -need to have stuff. Washing machine, fridge etc.

You will need to know what you can take and what you will need to buy.

It feels huge but can be a great way to de-clutter and start fresh.

I'm about to do a similar thing :)
Scary but liberating too

My opinion is quite the opposite to those who have already posted replies. I apologise in advance if I offend anyone with my thoughts/words.

Personally, I think it would be really selfish (and cruel) of you to move out when he's at work or away from home. If you are both so emotionally disconnected from each other as you say, then you should be able to sit down and discuss it together. Obviously if the reason you would do that (move out when he is away) is a fear of violence or self harm then maybe you should seek help.

My brother was hit severly from left field by a very similar situation with his ex-wife. He had just come home from deployment and during that time he was away she decided that she wanted more. Okay, he's my brother, so I'm probably heaping more of the blame on her and well, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. But... he was completely caught off guard when she had been clearly planning this for months and talking to friends about it rather than talking to him.

Could it be that your husband was happy for you to move into the spare room because he's trying to give you the space that he thinks you need/want? He still loves you and is willing to have you any way he can - even if that is a flatmate. Having you in the same house gives him hope.

Ask yourself honestly, do you still love him? Not can you live without him (I know I could live without my husband, but I certainly don't want to live without him). If you don't love him and you do want to move on then you should do it openly. Tell him you don't love him. Tell him you want to move on.

Then, ask yourself, why do you feel the need to take the kids and move to a new area? Have you thought of getting a small flat nearby for yourself and leave the kids with your husband or, vice versa - you stay in the family home and he moves into a nearby small flat so he can see the kids and get to share the day to day stuff? You could take the time to date, reconnect. Take pleasure in each others company. Remind him of who you were (and still are).

What made you want to be with him in the first place? Is it just that you are tired of what your life has become. Do you want to do something. Have some time for yourself. Study? Work? Take up a hobby? You sound a little isolated and lost.

Sorry you are going thru this, i been there, and got the tshirt too. Left two years ago.

I cannot second ENOUGH the "take the big ticket items thang", i was stuck in the low self esteem, and the "being fair, divide it in half" mentality - which has bitten me.

Think instead when you make your list of what to take, what do i need to set up a family home?
i LEFT a good fridge, thinking i couldn't take washer AND fridge - but i needed both in reality.

With all the "stuff", start doing that now. Room by room.
example
bathroom
take two good towels for each person, bathmats, lots of flannels, esp with tiny kids.

kitchen
a full set of plates. Yes you can buy this stuff cheaply at kmart, but if there is no violence and you can pack in safety, you might have plates you like, or got for special present, that you want to take.

as someone else said, it is a good time to have a sort out. We had been living with non-matching everything for many many years, got given one cheap plate set, which stayed in the box. I decided just to take the boxed set, felt liberting.

I would discuss with legal professional, about YOU staying in the house.
No idea if you are renting or buying your present house, but breakup is huge for the kids, if you could stay in the same house, at least that is a number of changes, they WON"T have to go through.

Or are you worried about getting him to agree, to HIM leaving? I remember thinking that, as i knew, my ex would have no money to set himself up anywhere else (never saves any money for Emergencies). But miraculously, within a week of me going, he managed to buy a washing machine and vaccum cleaner out of the blue, so i guess when a person wants something badly enough, they get it done.

i stayed for so many years, hoping things would improve. Hoping he would go to counselling with me. Hoping one day he would love me enough to change. Hoping that one day he would realise i was serious about leaving. He didn't get it, UNTIL i left. And even now, two years later, he has not once asked me "why?" and "what could we do to work on this?". Yet he has told my DD stuff he shouldn't say, which leaves her very confused. I was very patient, made all sorts of excuses, as i did not want our child to grow up in two homes. It's so hard to leave, somehow, you end up feeling like the bad guy.

The living under same roof whilst separated form is long, but you can do it. Without that, i would never have been able to pay for the moving out stuff. So many expenses came up to do with moving, things i never imagined.

If you want to keep "moving day" a secret, be wary of the Australia Post service for forwarding mail. That is how my ex found out when my moving day was. They send you junkmail to your old address BEFORE the forwarding service comes into effect, and enough info on the front of the envelope, so that whoever empties the letterbox, can guess, that you are moving. So thanks alot Australia Post, for your "discretion". Just my luck, ex had a day off work and got to the letterbox before me.

Thank you for all of your replies...

I told my husband I am tired of being unhappy and our relationship isn't right, with me living in the spare bedroom, nothing more between us than room mates, its all stuff I have said before. He said nothing. He just sat and listened and said nothing. It is very hard to go through something this major with someone who even refuses to agree that there is a problem. Its all me. He won't talk about it, so if I want to move out I just have to do it. I know he is upset, but he won't talk. I feel I have made my mind up. I want to be on my own, at least then I am in a space where if someone came along I could go for coffee or be friends etc. At the moment I just feel like a live in maid/mother. I am extremely upset and emotional at the thought of it all ending, more so for him than myself. When I look to the future and imagine myself living with my kids and having my own life, it gives me hope. I know its going to be hard and I'm going to be lonely at times, but at least my life will be my own, and I will be responsible for my own happiness, I am not sure if that makes sense.

The way our relationship is, I can't see anything preventing us from still doing things as a family, still catching up for tea, or still waking up in the same house for Easter etc.... but as for me as my own person, as a woman, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't hug me, show he cares about me, talks to me, kisses me etc. I can't just solely be a mum and nothing more. I feel incredibly guilty for wanting to look after my own interests, instead of his. I know he loves our children dearly and I've told him he will still see them all the time. I'm sure he wishes I would just get over it and get on with life and carry on, like I have done so many others times over the years.... but this time I just feel different, I just think if I fast forward to a few months down the track, I will be happy.

I keep telling myself that people split up all the time, and if you are not happy then to sort it out and stop being miserable. I still feel so awful about it though. I just wish he would be realistic and talk to me about it, instead of me being the awful irrational person that is breaking up the family for no reason - which is how he is acting.

I have to be brief as I am on my phone but there is one dynamic you haven't mentioned. It's not a reason to stay in an unhappy relationship but it is something you need to think ahead about IMO.

There will be a time when you and/or him will be in another relationship and likely have children with another person. Almost always the relationship dynamic changes. There will be another person parenting your children (perhaps in a way you don't agree with). My advice is to make sure you think about an iron clad parenting agreement which is ratified by the Family Court.

It might be relatively amicable for now but from what you are saying he may be bitter if you leave. Not your problem but just make sure you protect yourself and the kids from the potential fallout.

Good luck.

what is meant by a parenting agreement? is that who has the children when and for how long etc?
the idea of another woman with my kids freaks me out but what can i do?

i do want to have our assets somehow protected in a trust for the kids, so that if one of us does get a new partner, and they split up, that partner cannot take house/money that would go to our kids...

Yes, basically it is a Family Court order that can cover as much or as little as you like with regards to living arrangements and parenting decisions. You really need to get some legal advice as soon as possible.

Also, I am not aware of the type of trust you are talking about. My understanding is that a spouse has rights to an estate (along with children of all relationships). Not sure you can do anything about that one :dunno:

while you're getting legal advice about trusts etc, i would also ask about how YOU can stay in the current house, without having to move, and HIM being the one to move out. Just to find out your options. Might save you money and headache.

Be prepared for your ex to go through a range of emotions. he may be acting "neutral" right now. When you separate bank accounts, take names off loans, spilt up property/decide who pays mortgage in future, all sorts of ways you are tied together financially and legally, AND physically live separately, people can react/change in ways you might not expect. Communication is not great right now about r'ship stuff, but there are things you will have to decide, as two adults e.g the legal/financial stuff.

i found the "contact mediation counselling" very helpful, immed after breakup. To be able to go to counselling, two counsellors, ex and me, in same room, working out the nuts and bolts of how and where and when child would see each of us. At a time when our communication was so tense and strained, it was so good to do it in a room with two counsellors. In my state, Anglicare run it, apparently different welfare places run it, in diff states of Australia.

i cannot imagine another woman becoming my child's step mum either, something i really struggle with (the theory) but so far, in two years, have not had to deal with.

Let me tell you that another woman parenting your child can be utterly horrendous, particularly if that woman does not have your child's interests at heart and sees them as a threat of some sort, or a reminder of your ex's past she wished didn't exist.

The worst part is, there is nothing you can do about it :(

Well it's all come apart at the seams. Something snapped in me & I just couldn't continue on miserably unhappy with my husband in denial pretending everything is fine. It was killing my soul & I was snapping at my children and crying and feeling like I was so lost.
I've temporarily moved into my parents with the kids, I've leased a house & get the keys next week. It's a relief not to be going along with my husbands denial. He now understands that I'm serious & not bluffing. We are only communicating via text. I know he's angry at me for turning his world upside down but it's gotten to the point where I need to put my own needs & feelings first, instead of his. Its upsetting & I have no idea how I will actually pack up my house and move but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.

I know I am making the right decision for myself, and that will flow on to my kids having a happier & better functioning mother. It's still the hardest thing I've ever had to do though.

Any words of encouragement greatly appreciated.

Lots of hugs. You can only do what is right for you. He will understand one day. No matter how much you love someone if you aren't happy it's not going to work!

Lots of hugs for you! :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

yep, something in you just snapped, and you got to your point of no return, i hear you.

How will you do it?
You will be VERY busy, in the packing and setting up new place stage.
If you have anyone helpful in your life, say yes to help.
If they like packing, get them to pack.
If they like being with your kids, let them babysit, to free you up for packing.
Make lists of what you need to do, so when you are overwhelmed, you can show your bit of paper and the helper can read what you need, select what on your list, they feel able to do.

If negotiating with ex is ugly, get someone to come with you, when you have to go back to old family home, to get stuff/pack.

Try and be as business like as you can (just to get thru this stage).
Refer to your lists, and prioritise.
Make the first trip, for the STUFF YOU REALLY REALLY NEED, CANNOT DO WITHOUT. So if the situation goes downhill, you will at least have the most crucial stuff.
e.g whitegoods (expensive to replace),
photos, certificates, memorabilia that you can't replace, and you will have things special to you, your kids.

As you pack, have a big texta and masking tape with you. Label each box, so you can selectively open them at the other end. And mark in big caps, which ones are FRAGILE.

When you set up new place, pretend you are camping initially. Have a bare basics box for each room, so that even on first night there, everyone has somewhere to sleep, pjs, ability to have a wash, make a sandwich/have breakfast/drinks and biccies for the helpers, emergency box (torch, first aid kit). Everything else can wait.

i set up my dd's bed and some toys first, so she felt "at home".


it IS alot to do, and you will somehow keep going on adrenalin.


i hope your parents are supportive and back you up, through this difficult time. You're doing what has to be done, doesn't make it any easier though.

i hope my post is helping you realise, you DO know what to do, just break it down into steps, and as you say "one foot in front of the other", just keep swimming!

I get anxiety, panic attacks, migraines, the whole nine yards from moving house normally, let alone when i left ex, so i do get how scary the process is (and overwhelming).

So sad our exes don't believe how bad things have gotten UNTIL we leave.

Its hard. And it takes a long time to get over it. But you CAN do it. I moved interstate, alone, with my 4 kids when I left my ex 16 months ago. I had some basics, beds, mattresses, sheets, washing machine etc, but I didn't have a fridge or lounge. I've now got my house pretty well complete, thanks to my brother helping me out with a few bits & pieces he had sitting around & facebook buy & sell pages.

Kids all deal with it differently. My ex worked away alot, so wasn't in the family home much anyway. So that's something they were kind of used too. Mine are all dealing with it differently, but I know they/we are all a LOT happier with out the stress of that relationship. They miss him & love him, but rarely get upset about it. They don't see him. (abusive relationship, complicated). He & his teen 'fiance' are due to have a baby in July. The kids met her & she treated them better than their father did. But to me she'll never be 'step mother' while she's helping him enjoy our child support. She isn't in my kids lives, so thats ok with me. If she was, I don't think I'd mind. She does seem to care about the kids & as I said, put their interests first, even though he didn't.
She's also very niave & has a lot to learn about him :/

The relief you'll feel in your own place & the freedom you'll feel when dealing with your kids will far out weigh the sadness & guilt over the situation. My family is much happier now than we ever were before :)

Help. I've woken up this morning not knowing what the hell i'm doing. I feel like once I am moved into my house I will be okay, but this lead up to it is driving me crazy with emotions. Once its done is it easier? I am so worried about how hurt my ex will be, and his family's reaction. Also because we are not communicating, I feel such a sense of betrayal, like I have dumped him and am leaving him and its all my fault, even though I know its not and I tried everything. I feel so lost. Wish I could fast forward two weeks down the track and have it all done and dusted.

It's not going to be easy. It's going to be tough. But you don't actually have the luxury to run and hide - you have to be strong for your children. You made your decision and you believe that it is the right thing to do.

No one knows what tomorrow will bring. Life is full of surprises. Keep moving forward.

Listen to your heart and trust in your judgement and believe in yourself. Only you can make the decisions about what is best for you and your children. Not other people. We can only be there to give you support. :hug:

I agree with everything cass said. You will be ok. We are all here for you. Huge hugs xxx

I know what your going through. our situations are similar and we also move in 2 weeks.
I have moments where I doubt myself, when I kid myself-perhaps it could be ok to stay?, then I listen to my heart and I KNOW its not right to stay.

It will be ok. Once you have moved, things will shift and it'll be ok.

Yes there will be hard times, there always are, but you'll get through them. Your a strong women, you'll be ok :)

i am so flabbergasted...
In text messages I spoke to my husband today and asked him why he hadn't told any of his family, his response was that he liked to think it wasn't the end yet and that he had some changes to make.
i am gobsmacked, i have told him i am leaving and have rented a house as of next week, and he still thinks its not happening?! i told him that the time to make changes was months ago when we were in marriage counselling, and now that i have made the painful decision to leave, he is talking about making changes and i'm already gone.
i am lost and hurt and feel so guilty that he is in complete denial, i feel like its my fault he is in denial somehow, what else could i have done, he chose to not take it seriously and ignore my feelings. help.

His actions are not YOUR fault! Of he is in denial that is his fault not urs.

i guess deep down i know that but at the same time it is killing me and i feel terrible.
i told him so many times how unhappy i was, we went to counselling, i told him again, i told him what i wanted and needed, i told him i wasn't getting it, or getting anything from the relationship, the counsellor told him, told him ways to improve it on his end etc, he did nothing, we did nothing, neither of us tried... i snapped and made the decision to leave... what more could i have done to make him pay attention and listen to how i was feeling and take me seriously... it is killing me that we are in such different head spaces... i feel like i am hurting him so much and turning his world upside down.

You are turning his life upside down... He is going to be hurt.,. But forget about that for a moment - him not trying - turned YOUR LIFE upside down...

Maybe it's not the end. Maybe time apart from each other is what you both need. Maybe this will change him. Maybe it won't. Maybe you will both end up back together (this time happy). Maybe you will just end up as friends.

Like I said before, no one knows what tomorrow will bring. Life is full of possibilities. Just concentrate on what you are doing now.

And, gosh, ask him for help to move your things. It just might open his eyes up that it's really happening. :hug:

it's not totally impossible, in theory, for two spilt up people, to have relationship counselling WHILST living apart.

He needs a big wake up call
You need to see him go to counselling and actually PLAN and ACT on how to make things SAID at counselling, actually come true.

You might have some deal breakers, that once you see evidence, of him doing them, that might make you reconsider "trying again".

i think it's easier to work this stuff out, with counsellors, than live like flatmates at home, and be miserable.

best of luck with the move

Some times a shock is what is needed in order for people to change.
Some times they can't change.
you don't need to feel guilty, you gave it your all.

You are now in control of your life and your children. This is a wonderful freedom.

Good luck with your move :)