Losing our little girl two days ago

Hi everyone
I've been using Belly Belly as a great resource throughout my pregnancy and never thought I would be in this position to need it for further support. My DH and I lost our first little baby two days ago, very unexpectantly after a dream pregnancy and perfect progression and scans throughout our little girls gestation.
We decided to give the hospital a call on Good Friday because our very active darling had been very quiet after moving into position at 37 weeks on Thursday night. These moments are still surreal in my mind. After a number of attempts, we were told the devastating news that the obstetrician could not find a heartbeat and our baby had passed away. I was booked in for an induction on Easter Sunday, and after an amazing birth full of calmness and laughter and peace, our beautiful baby Arla was born sleeping easily and gently, 7 pounds 6 ounces. I had a painless and beautiful birth, and I walked away from the hospital 12 hours later and so far my physical recovery has been amazing. It was her last gift to me, and I am so thankful for it.
I am going through a range of emotions: mostly shock, gratitude, amazement, sadness, grief, appreciation and astonishment that my beautiful pregnancy is over and I don't have my amazing prize at the end who I was looking forward to seeing and meeting so much. I am in shock that I have experienced labour, but not the way it was intended, and that Arla was so gentle on my body and mind throughout the process.
My husband and I are grieving and are finding comfort in reading others stories and feeling like we are not isolated. After such a loss comes offers of support and 'anything you need'...but there is a feeling of utter desperation to hear from anyone who understands our situation, the grief we face now and what is ahead of us, and the shock of a late loss when you think everything is going so well.
We'd love to hear your stories and advice on how you got through it. We need to know there are other people out there that can relate to us and our situation. Thank you in advance, all responses will be welcomed with open arms xxx

So sorry to hear of your loss, be gentle on yourself and allow yourself to grieve for your baby girl.

Hugs, no advice just support and love xoxox

Congratulations on birthing your precious Arla, Im so sorry she couldn't stay. :comfort:

I'm so sorry for your loss. May your little girl fly free. Arla is such a pretty name.
*massive hugs* and lots of love and light.

Congratulations on bringing your beautiful girl into the world, I'm so sorry she couldn't stay. We're all here if you need to talk.

It sounds like you had a beautiful birth, even if the end result wasn't what you desired. I personally feel better knowing I had a good birth with my son. I'm not sure I'd have coped as well as I did if I'd had a bad birth on top of all that.

Fly free and play among the stars and rainbows, gorgeous Arla :heartbeat:

I'm so very sad to read this, but also so touched to read the positives you experienced in a beautiful birth, and your love of your precious Arla, even amongst the heartache of losing her.

Sending you love and strength. :hug:

I am so sorry to hear you lost your precious Arla.
We lost our Ellen at 41 weeks in very similar circumstances and (allowing for some VERY RUDE hospital staff) I also had a good labour.
I hope you find a way to manage the journey of your life now you are the mother of an angel.
Only very special parents can be angel parents.
Go gently and get support before you think you need it. I recommend Sids and Kids.
Kate

Thank you for sharing your beautiful birth story, I don't have the words to express how sorry I am that you are experiencing such a terrible loss. May your little girl be always with you xxx

Congratulations on birthing your gorgeous little girl Arla, she will always be your first born beautiful little princess watching over mummy and daddy from heaven. We lost our little angel boy Joshua at 21 weeks 4 and a half years ago and we've found great support with SANDS and Sids and Kids. It's a very bitter sweet journey but the memory of your little girl will be tucked away in your heart forever, she will always live on through you. Much love and peace to you and your DH :hug:

Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby Arla. She has been gifted with a gorgeous name and wonderful parents, who I know love her very very dearly. You are truly amazing and inspirational to achieve a positive and gentle birth under such circumstances. I feel humbled by your resilience and ability to find gratitude in the darkest of moments.

Fly free little Arla, too precious for this earth. A candle burns for your angel and to send strength for you and DH.

Hugs that Arla was too precious for this world. Sending you love and strength x

Hugs, and thoughts for you and your family.

I'm sorry for your loss and think you are incredibly strong to be able to share your story with everyone. Wishing you all the best always.

Oh I am so sorry that beautiful Arla couldn't stay. What a lovely name. Know that her life, albeit fleeting, was significant and she changed the world just by being here. Hugs and prayers as you continue to work through everything that has just happened. Xo

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter, I'm so very sorry she couldn't stay xxx.

Regards,
Dianne

Summery wow, you are one incredible, intelligent, beautiful woman. Your birth story for little Arla was beautiful, insightful and just precious. She may not walk with you but she journeyed with you for almost 9 months, growing right inside you, right with you, then you birthed her in the way you both deserved. Congratulations. I have no wisdom to offer regarding getting through the coming weeks and months but your story was so lovely I wanted to write.

Congratulations on the birth of your little lady arla and I am so sorry that she is not here with you right now. I am so glad that you had a wonderful birth, it makes a hard time a little sweeter. We lost our daughter at 39 weeks last October. I found so much love and support here from all these wonderful people on belly belly as well as a fantastic group on fb called luminous lights. The experience changes your life forever. I hope the next few weeks and months are gentle on you. Sending you so much love and hugs xoxox

I just reread your post and you asked about advice etc...the best thing I did practically was to accept help with meals and around the house as well as caring for my 2 year old daughter as well - you did just have a baby so there is recovery needed as well as emotionally when all that can get a bit much. I also started seeing a psychologist soon after her funeral with helped. I am generally a fairly blunt (for want of a better word) and honest person and this has helped with my friends and family - if I don't want to do something or I am having a bad day I just tell them rather than trying to avoid the topic of her to much. I hope you have lots of loving friends and family around you at this difficult time. Let them know it's ok to talk about her if that's what you want. I also remind my hubby's mates from time to time to check in with him cos he won't go to them. Recently I felt like some of my friends had moved on so much and forgotten about me because i am certainly not the same person i was 6 months ago but I think I had pushed them away a bit and they all ganged up on me to check it at the same time - good friends don't forget and they won't let you either. Keep in touch with us on here and I hope your day has been as ok and possible xo

Im so sorry to hear your beautiful princess became a angel. Take care of yourself. Much much love xxx

My thoughts are with you :hug:

Im so sorry for your loss, what a beautiful birth you and aria had. fly free sweet girl.

Congratulations on the birth of your precious sweet Arla

I'm so sorry she was too precious to stay and I hope you find comfort and support to help you through this tragic time. I can only imagine how empty your arms must feel right now after dreaming of your daughter and carrying her for so long. Many hugs and thoughts coming your way xx

My heart is heavy with the sadness that your precious Arla couldn't stay. IYou will always be her mother. And she your daughter. I will write more later, but I hope you are doing as good as you can. Much love and strength.

Congratulations on the birth of Arla, and I am so very sorry she couldn't stay with you. I can tell what a brilliant mummy you are to bring her earthside in such a beautiful way. I am so sad that she is not in your arms.

Please be gentle with yourself :hug:

Hi all

Thank you so much for all your kind words and thoughts, it's so nice to receive and I thought it would be fitting to reply today, being one week since Arla's birthday.
This week has been the longest week of my life. Such a surprising array of emotions and highs and lows that come and go so quickly, and triggers of sadness and happiness that surprise even myself.
We have spent the week with family, and I honestly can't tell you how I have eaten a meal, slept, functioned as it's all been automatic and a meal gets put in front of me, and I eat it. It's surreal and bizarre.
My beautiful sisters have been taking extra special care of me, packing up Arla's room (which DH and I promptly unpacked as the room felt bare and impersonal, and we are getting so much comfort from sitting in there with her things and keeping the light on in there at night and just walking past it makes me smile :) )
I have found a strength I never knew existed. Much like on this day one week ago, when I performed something I never thought I would have strength or courage to do, it's a shame that you have to be pushed to the depths of your capacity to realise how much you can endure. DH and I have been talking alot, every day, checking in with each other, and both agree that we feel we have experienced everything life can offer in terms of highs and lows - the utter joy and immense love of birth, and the harrowing depths of devastation that losing your child brings. I feel more confident in my ability as a person, as a mother, as a human being from this experience. I feel I can face anything now, and I will survive any pain life has to throw at me. It's like a mysteriously comforting 'I know the meaning of life' feeling. We also started counselling on Friday which was helpful but exhausting!
It's interesting to observe our own experience of grief, and those around us. Yes we could get angry, and hate the world, and feel like we don't deserve this awful thing happening to us. But that is also all it is: a thing that has happened to us. Rather than allowing it to become our identity and 'who we are' we are trying to make a conscious choice (and during those bad hours and bad days, this is a really hard struggle) to not let it define us. We are also trying to embrace whatever grief throws at us - sometimes utter despair, sadness, loss, gut wrenching pain, and sometimes joy, gratitude, reflection and excitement for the next chapter.
Take it all in and let it happen however it may happen. Which seems to change every few hours :)

Yesterday was a tough day. It started out being beautiful, a lovely breakfast in bed feeling positive and laughing with my best friend and sister, and joking around. Which turned to tears as soon as they left our house, and I was unable to get out of bed and sobbed until I couldn't sob any longer. DH and I talked about Arla and how excited we had been etc. we sat in her room for abit and cuddled on the chair that we were going to be feeding her on, and talked about how proud we were of one another. We cried over her little shoes. And generally allowed ourselves to be very sad. We then decided to go into town to regain some normalcy and even though I was still in my pajamas and was planning on staying in the car, I was ready to hit the big wide world out there.
We live in a rural area, and we got in the car and began to drive down our dirt road. Coming around a corner, still with tears in our eyes, we came to a screeching halt. Standing in the middle of the road, staring at us, was an eagle. 4 feet tall, the majestic amazing bird stood there and stared back at us. It then took off, the sound and sight of its amazingly huge wings taking our breath away. It then flew above our car, very low, only five metres in the air for some time.
Arla's name means Eagle. It's times like those that make you smile and wonder and give you a glimmer of hope for the future. :)

that is beautiful. what an experience seeing the eagle, im so glad you can find some sort of peace. you are a strong woman

That's how early grief is my dear..... all consuming, a blur, trying to find your way forward in your new reality. You are a mumma, but not everyone can see or feel your beautiful Arla. I remember those days.... and in some ways I am glad they are behind me, and in others not. I agree, I found an enormous sense of strength after my babies died.... and I know I am a better person for having birthed them, held them and sadly watched them die, bury them and mourn them.. I want to write more, but can't. Know you are not alone. Your strength and courage shine through..... I have a very deep sense that you will be ok. xxxooo

:comfort:

Your experience with the eagle made me tingle. I remember another woman here on bb having a similar experience with a butterfly. Look out because I think you will see more of that eagle.

I think your ability to let yourself feel and be with this experience but not be defined by it is truly insightful. It shows a unique insight into the processes of identity creation while also allowing yourself space to grieve and to feel the way you need to.

Your sisters sound like a real touchstone for you and I am so glad you have them close to you.

Stay gentle on yourself wise woman.

Im so sorry Arla was too precious for this world

Hi everyone

Well we've finally gotten through all the 'events' surrounding Arla's passing. I know this must sound strange but we had a diary full of things we 'had' to do, despite how we were feeling on the day emotionally or physically. We had the funeral, which was just my husband and I dressing up to be with our daughter in a room alone for a few hours, and then more doctors appointments and test results (all which have so far shown a perfect bill of health for myself and Arla, a confusing, relieving and anger inducing experience all in one!) and her memorial service and cremation yesterday.
Today I feel somewhat numb, but lightened by the fact that I can grieve without public display now, without consultation and expectation. We built a beautiful garden for Arla yesterday at our property with family, where everyone contributed a plant or a sculpture etc and we made something amazing, comforting, emotionally soothing and a special place for us to go and sit and be with her memory.
Grief is still showing us twists and turns, but the desperation seems to be subsiding for now. I am actually able to think towards the future a little more, which is a big deal when you are used to the despair of mourning and wonder whether you will ever look towards tomorrow! I am feeling reflective, almost grateful for her short life and passing, and the lessons it has taught us. She is leaving a legacy in ourselves, our relationship and our family of gratitude, appreciation, love, and a better future. We are already better people, better parents from Arla's influence, my baby girl has made a lasting impression on all of those who loved her in so many different ways. She's healing rifts within both of our families that have been there for 30+ years! We knew she was special, and it's nice to see that she is special to others too.
We have been talking alot about fear and sweating the small things in life - did anyone else experience a sudden 'invincibility' and feeling like nothing in life could beat them after such a devastating event? It's quite an amazing feeling. It puts every worry, every past fear, every anxiety provoking thought you've ever had into perspective. If someone had said to be four weeks ago 'your baby is going to die. Do you think you can handle this?' I would have said 'no, I will die myself, I will never be able to get through that'...but today, three weeks on, I'm functioning, I'm processing, I'm dealing with it. And I'm amazed.

Summery, so good to hear from you. It's so true, and the part about leaving a legacy- well as humans we can only hope to live a life long enough and good enough to eventually leave a legacy so what a precious and amazing little life was Arla's to be able to leave such a beautiful and important legacy in such a brief space of time. Take care. X

Summery, I have no words of advice as I've never had to walk in your shoes. But I just wanted to send a hug and say I'm so very, very sorry that you don't have your baby girl with you today. BB is a wonderful community, and you'll meet some very special women on here who have walked in your shoes. It's not often I read something that touches me deeply, but your posts certainly have. You sound like a special lady, and an incredibly strong mumma. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, but I wish you and your DH comfort, peace and healing in the days ahead as you hold Arla close to your hearts.

Wow summery, such an amazing post. You are inspiring. I am so sorry Aria left you, and that you don't have any answers for that loss, but I am glad you are feeling a little more positive for now. I am sure there will be ups and downs, but it seems like Aria has left you with the strength to get through it.

:hug:

My friend lost her daughter at 36 weeks
She almost died herself with preeclampsia on te delivery table.

11 years later she honours her daughter by buying a gift from the Kmart wishing tree for a child the age her daughter would have been.
Her baby's photo is on the table with photos of her living children.

It was hard and you never forget and you will get angry when you see people who "don't deserve kids" have babies for a long long time.
Allow yourself all the emotions.
I'm so so sorry for your loss :(

Summery I am amazed at your strength. To see positives that Arla has passed on is a beautiful thing and a blessing. I love that you are being kind to yourself and acknowledging that this journey is not one anyone could imagine taking and you are taking it and I want to hug you x

You are an amazingly strong woman and your partner is equally strong too. I wish I can have the same clarity just doing daily stuff. Hats off! :)