NO negative talk around 23 year old niece..

I see my niece perhaps twice a year as she and her mum live in another state.. They are coming down to NSW for a week (next week) and my sister has told me to keep the conversations lighthearted. Our mother(grandmother) is not well and I am her carer and sister has told me NOT to talk about mum in front of her - NO discussion of health issues or even my role as a carer. Truth is Niece doesn't like negativity or hearing bad news. I don't know how I am going to NOT do this...It is part of my life, being a carer and there are things I need to discuss with my sister. Suppose I could do this when niece is not around.
My niece is studying to be a school teacher and I wonder how she will deal with any negative issues of being a teacher.
Her life is totally positive...She is saving for her next big trip overseas. I admire her positivity but life is not always positive and bad things do happen.

I am not always on "top of the world" and I don't always have a smile on my face. Still, I battle on. A few years ago my husband and I faced a tragedy in our lives whereby we lost DH's dad after he died from a fire in a nursing home. The case was recently before the news and we had to face it all again. Life is different now.

Do you feel this is a fair call for my sister to give me instructions to keep the conversations lighthearted and up beat all the time in front of niece?

No, I don't think it's a particularly fair request. Great that your niece only wants positivity in her life - I'm all for a positive attitude - but life's not all roses, is it? Especially when close to her home she has an unwell grandmother who is being cared for by her aunt. How can she not expect there to be a few bumps along the way. It's naive in my opinion to expect everyone around you to radiate positivity and happiness just because you are like that. I think your sister should show some empathy for your situation, and some support for you. Your niece likewise. Hugs hun - carers are unsung heroes and it sounds like you've had a lot to deal with during the past few years xx

No, I don't think it's fair at all.

Totally agree with AndieE, she is an adult and I know I wouldn't be tiptoeing around her. Reality has to be faced one day.

Regards,
Dianne

No way. I'm 23. Your niece needs to live in the real world, sorry to be blunt.

It's not realistic at all! You are spot on about the teaching, dd's teacher has been involved in helping us support dd with the murder of my mil. We have had meetings and explained what happened so if dd talks about it in class the teacher can guide her through any anxiety or conversations that may arise. I know other parents have raised other issues. Aside from that at 23 she should learn that life isn't all about happy things.

I'm 24, I lost my grandmother - i went and saw her every chance i got when in the big smoke (once every three weeks) and yes, it was gut wrenching. i took it my my stride i felt i owed her.
My sister who is 26, couldnt handle seeing her but would listen to how she was going down hill. i also very, very suddenly lost an uncle with in 5 weeks of my nan's passing but i listened to any one who needed an ear.

your neice needs to wake up and realise death happens, people get sick and life isnt going to be happy happy joyjoy. its about how to handle it and how you grow from it (for me me with my nan i got her name tatto'd on my back).
she's going to be a teacher and life will NOT BE all happy go lucky some people will not get along with her or her views or what ever - is she planning on telling them to shhhhhh she cant take it?

I get its not easy to see some one you care for go down hill, and its painful to hear but really, give her a cup of cement and tell her to harden up. thats really poor form on her part to expect you to ignore what needs to be talked about so she can be "happy"

My SIL was raised like this - always positive news, positive feedback, and always told she is perfect.
Now that she is 35 she really struggles with any sort of feedback and gets really upset at anything said to her, she feels she is being attacked.
She hasn't been able to hold a job for longer than a few months because she never feels appreciated enough and feels people are 'too mean' to her.
When it comes to her babies, she has stopped taking them to the MCHN, to the doc & paed, to mothers group, to play group and most recently swimming... All because at some point someone has said something she doesn't like and she can't handle it.
She's actually a bit like a spoilt brat and treats my brother like rubbish, because if he has an opinion he is seen as going against her... She's very defensive.

It's really not a healthy way to live. Life is full of ups and downs, and she needs to learn to deal with the downs in a positive manner rather than be sheltered from negative.

First I thought it said 23 months! When I realised it was 23 years, well, different story. Like it or not, reality is, bad things happen, and sometimes to good people. I think by living in a fairy tale world your sister is allowing her daughter to get into an emotionally dangerous place. Ignoring reality does not make it go away and one day, tragedy will strike close to home. How is she going to have the coping tools?

If she cannot deal with negative comments then she needs to not be doing teaching. She will have to deal with sickness, marriage breakups, death and everything else that goes with life.
What will happen when a parent questions her teaching or something that has happened in the school yard?

We would all love to live on a perfect world but that's not how the world is.

At 23 she needs to grow up and live in the 'real world'.

Well to give the niece the benefit of the doubt, this has all come from the sister/mother, not the niece herself. Maybe she doesn't actually need the cotton wool wrapping her mother thinks she does?

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If she cannot deal with negative comments then she needs to not be doing teaching. She will have to deal with sickness, marriage breakups, death and everything else that goes with life.
What will happen when a parent questions her teaching or something that has happened in the school yard?

We would all love to live on a perfect world but that's not how the world is.

At 23 she needs to grow up and live in the 'real world'.

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This! My first thought was what the **** is she doing teaching for if she can't handle anything negative? She is going to cop negative all the time - from students and from her co-workers. But I also agree with what nicnac said - maybe this is coming from your sister who wants to protect your niece from bad stuff? Unfortunately, she does need a dose of reality. If your Mum is really sick, then your niece has a right to know that because if your mother gets sicker etc, then at some point she is going to find out and it sounds like she is going to need time to prepare for that because it will hit her like a ton of bricks and she won't have the coping skills because she's never had to have them.

My first thoughts were (having also read some other threads) that your sister doesn't want you talking about your mother because it will show the amount of work YOU have to do and how little she does. By not asking about it, she can also pretend there are no issues!

I'd ignore your sisters request :)

If your niece really doesn't want anything not positive around her, then she'd better choose a different career for a start. Teaching is not all happy fairies, you deal with a lot of not positive stuff and the stuff some kids have to go through is just awful.
As for this situation, I don't think it's fair to ask you not to talk about it in front of your niece. She's 23. She's well and truly an adult. It might be different if she was 8. Even if she was a teenager I'd be talking openly about this around her. People need to know that life isn't all roses. That's just the way it is.

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If she cannot deal with negative comments then she needs to not be doing teaching. She will have to deal with sickness, marriage breakups, death and everything else that goes with life.
What will happen when a parent questions her teaching or something that has happened in the school yard?

We would all love to live on a perfect world but that's not how the world is.

At 23 she needs to grow up and live in the 'real world'.

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Completely agree with this. Add physical and sexual abuse, suicide of parents, students dying, students being violent towards me (ive had desks, computers and various other items thrown at me, been hit by students ect), being verbally abused by students and parents and various other things and you're getting close to what I've had to deal with in only 10 years!

Just to put it out there, but maybe your niece is going through something atm and she's asked her mum not to tell you. Perhaps your sister is trying to protect her for an entirely different reason. I'd feel the situation out - no need to create bad blood if they're only visiting for a short while.

If not, then I'm guessing the issue is more with your sister and what she thinks her DD can cope with, which may be completely different to what she can actually handle. I'd try to talk to each of them separately once you test the waters.

I think you owe it to your niece to tell her how it is and take the chance to educate her on the realities of life. Having been a teacher for more than 20 years I find it really hard to work with the airy-fairy teachers who won't face up to the negative.
I also think your sister is using it as an excuse not to face her lack of support with your mum.
If on the other hand your niece is suffering from depression and needs positivity then she shouldn't be traveling alone or teaching..........

Is it possible that your sister is using your niece as an excuse so that she doesn't have to hear any negative stuff??? Its just completely weird request to come from a mother of a 23yr old. I'm kind of doubting that the niece has anything to do with it at all in reality, and that its more likely just your sister doesn't want to have to deal with any of it, so this gives her an excuse not to hear it or get involved.

I was thinking along the lines of Jennifer too. A very weird request and would make me think something is up with niece atm but she didn't want to go into details.

Hugs hun, it sounds like you have some communication issues with your sister. Perhaps speaking with a counsellor or psychologist would help you to navigate this relationship in a way that helps you to set some boundaries and effectively communicate with your sister? Then even if she doesn't change you will feel more like you have some control over your side of the relationship. Just a thought :)

I would also think, if it were me, I would want to be able to offload some of the burden to my sister, just by talking it out. Her requests are going to make that very difficult for you as well.

No, I don't think it's fair. I also suspect (after reading some of your other threads) that the request is more for the sake of your sister who doesn't really want the reminder that you are the doing the lion's share of the caring for your mother, and she just wants to avoid the awkwardness of conversations about that.

The second thing I want to say is that it sounds like you have had a lot of struggle in your own life in recent times, with not much support generally. You've mentioned previously that you have some health issues of your own, plus the job of caring for your mum. Both of these things can be very socially isolating. I know how tough it can be when you have these sorts of pressures :hug:. Have you thought about finding a support group or even chatting to your GP about getting some counselling for yourself? I have found that seeing a good psychologist has helped me to deal with the burden of my own health conditions, and has helped me to learn how to ask for what I need too. You might find it valuable too.

Personally, I'd tell her to suck it up. Life's not a free or easy ride.

BTW, I also tend to think that it's more about your sister rather than your niece.

That would be very tough for you, but I would be leaning towards thinking that maybe your niece is having problems regarding mental health issues. I wouldn't be at all surprised if my mum said this about my own 34 year old sister. Outside everything can look bright and fun, but she could be battling demons you don't know about.

If I were you, I would make sure that you got time alone with your sister, even if you have to put pretty blunt and say "your mum and I need to chat alone, so we are going to have a coffee in this room by ourselves for a while".