Brother or Photographer at fault - or both?

My older brother turned 50 in July and my mother thought that the gift of him having a family photo would be ideal. As he lives in another state she asked me if I could arrange something.
I remembered that he had a good friend who was a Professional Photographer and this person had taken his wedding photographs. I contacted him and he thought it was a brilliant idea. He phoned my mum(who is visually impaired) and told her of some packages. He then contacted me and told me that it would cost(in total) $180. $100 for the sitting and $80 for photo and frame. I thought that was reasonable.

He told mum he was going to take the photo outside - (of brother, his wife, and their two young children) and would surprise him with the photo at the bbq that week.He told my mum he would give her a smaller copy of the photo. We were not invited to party as it was (low key) and he lives (five hours flight) away from us.

We never heard anything back from the photographer and my brother never said anything about it. I had to contact my brother (via email) and he replied, "ÿes it was a great photo) and thanks.

This was 10th July.

I thought the photographer might have sent me a copy of the photo via email(or my brother). He didn't mention anything about it on FB neither did his wife.
I sent credit card details to the photographer and he said the money did go through but we never received a receipt.

Bit peeved with my brother I guess but also with the photographer.

Should the photographer have notified us or at least sent a receipt by now?

Your thoughts.

Did your brother receive the photo?

I would assume that the photographer took money off the credit card and you should check your bank statements to see that it has been done. I don't see the need for individual receipts - unless it's asked for, I usually don't get one. It also may have been given to your brother.
I don't know why you would assume that the photographer or your brother would provide you a copy of the photo - the photographer may have refused to give another copy, as usually the prices are per copy for photos. They may not have received a digital copy at all so are unable to email it.

And it's only been two weeks. Give it time. I actually don't understand why you'd be peeved in the circumstances that you describe, given the time frame. However, everyone is different.

yes, he did, but didn't say much about it.....I had to ask if he received it(a week after his b/day) and he said yes, he did and thanks.
Mum and I put In the money for the gift..I guess I was wanting more feedback about the "surprise"...
The photographer said he was going to send mum a copy but so far, nothing and no receipt..(I gave him credit card details over the phone)

Thanks for the replies..My mum knows him and likes him and he told her he would include a smaller copy for her(in the package)...
Yes, I know it has only been a few weeks.
I guess we are just anxious to see the photo. With the technology we have now I at least thought he would have emailed a copy of it or told us how his birthday went. Maybe a bit more communication? Given the poor communication in my family, we may never see the photo.
'Thanks for reminding me to check my statement :)

I think it's your brother you should be peeved at. It is a little rude not to call and say thank you. Did he call your mum to thank her?

yes I am peeved at my brother...and I think he should have at least phoned...given the thought and effort that was gone into the gift.

I would ask the brother how many photos he received - if the photographer did them as a package, then he may have given both to the same person (especially as you say he is friendly to your brother and was handing them over physically).

Generally speaking, I like to thank people for a gift asap. If it's an exciting surprise gift, I would call and say thanks or write a letter/email. 2 weeks would be a good time-frame, but life sometimes gets in the way. I hope your brother is well, not under too much work pressure and just forgetful. But I would not consider anyone obliged to give a blow-by-blow account of a birthday party that someone who did not attend.

Have you considered that your brother wanted a low-key event and may have been a bit miffed that a photographer turned up and crashed his barbie with a big gift as a surprise? He may not be enjoying being 50 and wanted to avoid this, but the photographer gatecrashing would have made this hard to do.

thanks...the info is sketchy but Mum said the photographer was taking their photo the other day(so I assumed he contacted them and told them he was taking photos(as he is a friend of theirs) and then the photo that we paid for was a surprise gift...still unsure...but brother didn't elaborate when I asked him if he received it..not sure what it is..maybe he didn't want a photo..maybe you are right. Photographer said he was giving it to them on the night of the bbq. Only found out there was a birthday celebration from photographer otherwise didn't know. Me thinks brother is moving on and doesn't want anything to do with us..(mum is ageing) and he has a young wife and family...(I know she doesn't like the fact that my mum is very elderly) :( and visually impaired, etc

I think your brother should have said thankyou, and is rude for not doing so.
As for the photographer, I would have sent a quick txt to you to say that the job had been completed.
I often do things like this (supply surprise gifts from hubby's) and although I only send a tax receipt if its asked for, I always let them know the status of the order, and when it has been delivered.

If you're wondering, why not send a quick polite email to the photographer asking how the shoot went and if he was able to give the photo to your brother yet? Thank him for his time and effort, especially since you live so far away and weren't able to give the gift to your brother in person. Tell him you're excited to see the shot and look forward to getting a copy from him, and that if he prefers he can email it to you and you'll pass it on to your mum.

Don't over-complicate it hun. Xo

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If you're wondering, why not send a quick polite email to the photographer asking how the shoot went and if he was able to give the photo to your brother yet? Thank him for his time and effort, especially since you live so far away and weren't able to give the gift to your brother in person. Tell him you're excited to see the shot and look forward to getting a copy from him, and that if he prefers he can email it to you and you'll pass it on to your mum.

Don't over-complicate it hun. Xo

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That is a brilliant suggestion - thankyou!!!

I decided to contact the photographer and asked him to send me a photo that HE took of my brother and his family - re - (my previous post about giving my brother a 50th birthday gift - a photographer to take photos of him and his family.

The photographer sent me a photo through FB. The photo is absolutely beautiful. He said that my brother's wife has a whole bunch of other photos(on USB) and to ask her to see them.

Question.
If a family member gave you as a gift a sitting for a photograph would you show them the photo at all?
Even if the photo didn't turn out ok would you show at least one or two?

I am SO baffled as to why they wouldn't show - They are on the computer everyday...

It hurt to see the photo that I had to ask for.
I have now asked and waiting permission to see if I can COPY It for mum and have it enlarged as my mum is visually impaired.
I am happy he has done this for me.

Yes, I would show them the photo.

Did you ask your brother to see it?

In all honesty, probably not because I just wouldn't think of going out of my way to show them the photo.

If someone had paid for my good friend to do a "sitting" for a "photo and frame" for me, for my birthday (which is what you said in your original post) then no, I would not have sent copies to my family. Particularly as you say that your brother was to get the framed photo as a "surprise" at his BBQ party.

As the recipient, I would have assumed that the person who organised and paid for it all (ie: you) would have arranged to receive copies of the photos already, as generally, the purchaser would be shown proofs of the pictures and would then select the ones they want. As you say in your original post the photographer was to give your mum a smaller copy of the photo, one would imagine that any other expectation you would have about what other images you may receive would have been discussed when you negotiated cost, etc, at the time of making your order.

As the recipient, I would have also assumed that you, the giver, would have made specific arrangements about what was going to happen with the sitting, selecting, and provision of photos.

I do not think it would have crossed my mind that the giver would have been annoyed about me (a sibling receiving a gift for my 50th birthday) not having posted photos in the timelines expected by you - or at all.

Personally, you have given someone a present. I am not sure why you are annoyed with your brother not meeting your expectations which from the sounds of things were not discussed with - let alone agreed to by - him.

If you wanted copies etc, that should have been agreed with the photographer, and factored into the costing. If you're unhappy with only being sent a copy on facebook instead of the print which you apparently were originally told you'd get, then take that up with the photographer.

If you are happy (which you end your post with) then great. Next time, make your expectations clear in advance, and try not to have expectations about what others will or won't do with gifts. Gifts with conditions and expectations don't often end happily.

Your reading far too into this.
Your brother is a male. They don't see things as sentimentally as us women.

It's not the photographers place to report back to you, even if you pays for the shoot. They have to respect their clients (the models) requests.

Did you ask your SIL casually of they enjoyed the gift? And if she said yes, then you could drop in with 'oh next time we see you, you can show me then'

I can see how you would be hurt and offended. You've seen the photo now so that's good. I also agree that at the end of the day your brother had no obligation to show you and really he just displayed a lack of manners. But then again he is a man and i agree some men just don't think the way we do. I think it might be time to let it go. It's done and over with now. There's no point agonizing over it anymore. :-)

I think you've crossed a line actually I by asking to see the pics behind your brothers back. That's all kinds of not ok. When you give someone a gift it doesn't give you any rights to that gift. I think you need to take a step back and realise that this isn't about you. And that you may in fact need to apologise if the photographer tells your brother and he is upset.

Are you happy Tofu? As in, in life in general? Do you feel like there's something missing, or lacking? It's just that all of your posts are based around quite trivial gripes to do with family or friends. What makes you tick, what are your hobbies, your goals? What do you want out of life, what do you enjoy? If you start to look on the bright side of life (da dum, da dum da dum da dum lol) you might find that things that used to upset you get progressively less important :)

To answer your original question, yes I probably would show the photo to whoever arranged it for me as I'd be so thrilled to have something so nice and thoughtful. Especially as I'm very close to most of my family.

But as a giver, I wouldn't expect someone to show it to me. To me, giving a gift is about giving pleasure to the recipient, not about me getting something too. If you would like to see the photos, just ask.

I think you've said a few times that your family is not close, and a little part of me wonders if you used this gift to try and please your mum and you are getting frustrated that the outcome you wanted and hoped for hasn't happened. May I suggest that you really clearly communicate your expectations when you arrange something and in this case, don't feel slighted by your family if you haven't got what you want from the photographer.

My experience is that most people don't spend their time trying to work out how to hurt others, and a good counsellor really helped me to work on my expectations and communication so that I didn't spend a lot of time resenting the rest of the world for not meeting my unspoken expectations. It means I'm a lot happier.

I really hope that you do get to see the photos as that is important to you.

If you organise for something to be a gift, I think all you need to know is that it got to the recipient. And you know it got there.

From memory, the photographer was supposed to send you a copy of the photo. He obviously forgot, but was happy to do so once you reminded him. I am sure he didn't not send it on purpose.

As to your brother showing you… it might have been nice, but I don't think expected. We recently got the IL's a trip to a food festival for their anniversary. They went, they enjoyed it and told us it was nice. We don't expect to see photos and a detailed account, it was enough to know they enjoyed it.

As PZ said, I really think you need to refocus your energy to some more positive things in life rather than dwelling on all the negatives. You look after your mother, with little help from your siblings. That sucks. But it is what you have chosen to do. There is always the option for your mother to move to a care facility if it is becoming too much for you. Most places offer some respite care, so she could go there for a little 'holiday' every once in a while so you can recharge. I know it isn't easy to be weighed down with complete responsibility for someone with failing health.

Perhaps some counselling would be an option for you? Some techniques to help you let go of these small slights might help you to feel happier overall.

Something else - have you emailed your brother and SIL and asked if they could pick a couple of nice photos to email to you full size so you can get them enlarged for your mum? They probably don't know you want one, but would if you asked. I don't think it is particularly appropriate to be asking for copies from the photographer.

The issue is with the photographer for not sending your mum a copy, usually with professional photos you don't get them on disc as its very expensive which is why your brother may not have put one up to see. It would be simple enough for you to ask rather than turning it into a big deal, its like when you give someone a gift voucher you don't expect too know what was purchased. TBH I would be horrified at at somone to ask to see my photos even if they were the one who arranged it.