Giving money to family......was this the right thing to do by MIL?

MY MIL has grandchildren in her care. She was complaining one day that they didn't have enough clothes so DH and I gave her $100 to contribute towards clothes that she was intending on getting on layby.
We gave her the money and then didn't hear anything back from her.

A few weeks passed and she phoned me up and said, "We and the kids are doing ok now. We really don't need that $100. The kids have everything. So I will pop by tomorrow and hand you back the $100"
I was happy to hear this as we had struggled in the week. DH was sick and hadn't worked for a few days(and didn't get any o/t money. We had a few bills coming up.
I waited for her to drop by and she didn't.

She sends me an email about three days after the call and says, "I have decided to keep the $100 as I have enrolled the kids in Little athletics and I need to buy them some proper shoes".

I was a little put-out by her "chop and change attitude".

I know this will be short-lived like everything else the kids have got involved with.

Should she have given back the $100 when she said she would. The original plan was for clothes as she complained they didn't have enough..now it's shoes for Little Athletics.

:

---

We gave her the money and then didn't hear anything back from her.

---

You don't get a gift back. Don't give something away you can't afford to lose.

:

---

You don't get a gift back. Don't give something away you can't afford to lose.

---

Agree with TFB, tofu if you couldn't afford it you shouldn't have given her the money that you have said yourself was a gift. If it was a loan then that is different.

A gift is a gift.

She is free to do as she likes with it. I understand your frustration though if you thought it would be a bonus now your circumstances changed. Think of it now that whilst maybe not super necessary you have helped those kids have an opportunity they never would have before.

I also find it strange though she would have told you she was giving it back and then changing her mind...but I forget not everyone says what they mean or sticks to their word.

The money was hers to do what she liked with really. If she wanted to buy the kids $100 worth of mixed lollies with it, she could. If you wanted the $100 spent on something specific, you should have either bought the clothes and given them as a gift or gift cards for a clothing store.

:

---

The money was hers to do what she liked with really. If she wanted to buy the kids $100 worth of mixed lollies with it, she could. If you wanted the $100 spent on something specific, you should have either bought the clothes and given them as a gift or gift cards for a clothing store.

---

No. not at all. The money was given to her to buy clothing for children. If she bought lollies I would come down heavy upon her. The money was to be put to use not abuse. Sorry I don't agree. We are not a bank and money is given for the right reasons.

I'm sure you guys have the money for the right reasons, but once you gave the money away you lost control of what can be done with it.
Should she have given it back? No, you didn't say from your original post that it was a loan, so no.
Can she do what she wants with the money once in her hands? Yes, as much as you don't like the sound of it she can.
Way to make sure she does what you want with the money in the future, but why is needed in the right sizes etc, give to the children yourselves. Buy gift cards for particular stores. Or do not give money or help out again.
I'm sorry you feel used and taken advantage of, it's not the best behaviour by her, but it is what it is. I would also assume that this behaviour is quite normal by your mil too, so I will assume that you both knew there was a chance she would not follow through with what was discussed.

I don't see buying shoes as abuse, at least the children will have proper shoes for Athletics. Maybe in future when the children are in need, you buy them what is needed and give them to your MIL.

Regards,
Dianne

I agree with you Tofu - she should have given it back. If I were in a situation where someone gave me money for a particular expense I had discussed with them, and that expense was suddenly no longer an issue (for whatever reason) I would not then think "oh well, I'll spend the money on something else". And, I especially wouldn't contact the person, say I would be giving it back, and then go and spend it on something else.

I don't think this money is technically classed as a "gift"...it is money for a particular expenditure only. And at the time it was given it sounds like it was something they could afford, but then through the reasons explained in the OP, money was tight a few weeks later and that money would have been useful.

Just my 2 cents worth :)

once money is given unfort you can not do much about what its spent on..

frankly she could have brought $100 worth of mixed lollies and you coming down heavily on her? well prove that it was your $100 to begin with.. she could have used your money to pay of the layby then had $100 of her own money spare to do as she pleases with...

She bought them SHOES. You gave her money to clothe the kids. Not sure about you but when I wear clothes I wear shoes too! You gave her the money. You didn't offer her a loan that she had to pay back. You gave her the money. She bought SHOES. Shoes and clothes are interchangeable when it comes to kidlet expenses IMO. In your own words you GAVE her the money to help with a clothes layby. Now me, if she had all the tees and pants the kids needed but they didn't have a pair of runners I'd think it an obvious progression of thought that she get them shoes they need. Even if the kids last a month in little aths, they will use this shoes a hell of a lot more than that. And $100 towards the expense of proper shoes for growing feet isn't that much really.

I know this is a new post and a new topic, and people may bag me out for saying this, but seriously, stop fixating on this stuff! Every post seems the same. I'm sad to say I dont think I've ever seen a post from you that hasn't been in the lifestyle etiquette section questioning the actions of someone, and how you perceive they've done you wrong! You know what, it's fine to be peeved about things - it's normal, especially in a situation like this where in this particular week you could use some extra money, but stop expecting online strangers to validate your unhappiness. Own it. Then move on! Take responsibility so this crap doesn't keep happening to you. If you can't afford to give away money, don't do it! Offer a sympathetic "yeah I understand how hard it is when money is tight" and keep your money yourself. If you don't have the energy to have someone stay with you don't offer - or if they ask, say no! It's not hard. You just say NO. Don't agree to things then get miffed when it doesn't play out like you think it should. You can't control anyone else. You can only control you.

Let it go. Feel good about the fact you helped a couple of kids to get a decent pair of shoes. Move on.

:

---

I don't see buying shoes as abuse, at least the children will have proper shoes for Athletics. Maybe in future when the children are in need, you buy them what is needed and give them to your MIL.

Regards,
Dianne

---

I totally agree. I didn't say the money was abused for the buying of shoes. The previous poster said buying of lollies. I wouldn't like to know $100 was spent on lollies to rot their teeth and make them super-hyper.

:

---

I know this is a new post and a new topic, and people may bag me out for saying this, but seriously, stop fixating on this stuff! Every post seems the same. I'm sad to say I dont think I've ever seen a post from you that hasn't been in the lifestyle etiquette section questioning the actions of someone, and how you perceive they've done you wrong! You know what, it's fine to be peeved about things - it's normal, especially in a situation like this where in this particular week you could use some extra money, but stop expecting online strangers to validate your unhappiness. Own it. Then move on! Take responsibility so this crap doesn't keep happening to you. If you can't afford to give away money, don't do it! Offer a sympathetic "yeah I understand how hard it is when money is tight" and keep your money yourself. If you don't have the energy to have someone stay with you don't offer - or if they ask, say no! It's not hard. You just say NO. Don't agree to things then get miffed when it doesn't play out like you think it should. You can't control anyone else. You can only control you.

---

I think I can post as much as I like in this section unless there is another rule. Please let me know if there is and I will post in another section. I guess I hate being used.

:

---

I agree with you Tofu - she should have given it back. If I were in a situation where someone gave me money for a particular expense I had discussed with them, and that expense was suddenly no longer an issue (for whatever reason) I would not then think "oh well, I'll spend the money on something else". And, I especially wouldn't contact the person, say I would be giving it back, and then go and spend it on something else.

I don't think this money is technically classed as a "gift"...it is money for a particular expenditure only. And at the time it was given it sounds like it was something they could afford, but then through the reasons explained in the OP, money was tight a few weeks later and that money would have been useful.

Just my 2 cents worth :)

---

Thanks, I totally agree with you and thanks for posting. I intend on speaking to my MIL and asking for the money back.

Then you need to stop allowing yourself to be used. Stop putting yourself in these situations.
If it's such an issue for you, at some point you need to learn from your mistakes... You need to live your life for you and stop sweating the small stuff! It's really not worth it, in 15 years you don't want to look back and realise how much time you wasted on over thinking every little situation.

No one is using you though Tofu, you gave money as a gift. In other posts it was whether a photographer should have let you know a gift was used and you have asked if someone should respond to emails. You are obviously a caring giving person but you worry to much about what others are doing rather than enjoying the moment.

In response to your original, now edited comment to me...

I didn't post to make you feel better. Random strangers online can't make you feel better. Changing your mindset is the only thing that can change the way you feel!

You need to stop stop seeing everything so negatively. Re-frame things so you see the positive instead of the negatives

Instead of "she didn't buy clothes and didn't give us back the money we gave her" try seeing it as "wow, we helped these kids to have shoes that fit and support their feet, and to give them an experience they wouldn't have had otherwise had"

It's not my job to make you feel better. It's not up to any if us to do that. Yes, we can sympathise when things go wrong. Many of us do that for each other regularly. And I'm not averse to having a whinge now and again either. But it's not also not all I do.

If you perceive that everyone is always screwing you over, stop putting yourself in positions where they can do it! Take ownership of your own actions, your responses. See stuff in a positive light instead of always so negative...

:

---

I think I can post as much as I like in this section unless there is another rule. Please let me know if there is and I will post in another section. I guess I hate being used.

---

There is no rule. Just an observation. Bb is a frikken awesome community with members I count as some of my closest friends. We have bonded over shared experiences, life's ups and downs. My comment, was purely an observation that all your posts appear to be variations of the same topic. Always questioning someone's behaviour and a perceived wrongdoing...

:

---

In response to your original, now edited comment to me...

I didn't post to make you feel better. Random strangers online can't make you feel better. Changing your mindset is the only thing that can change the way you feel!

You need to stop stop seeing everything so negatively. Re-frame things so you see the positive instead of the negatives

Instead of "she didn't buy clothes and didn't give us back the money we gave her" try seeing it as "wow, we helped these kids to have shoes that fit and support their feet, and to give them an experience they wouldn't have had otherwise had"

It's not my job to make you feel better. It's not up to any if us to do that. Yes, we can sympathise when things go wrong. Many of us do that for each other regularly. And I'm not averse to having a whinge now and again either. But it's not also not all I do.

If you perceive that everyone is always screwing you over, stop putting yourself in positions where they can do it! Take ownership of your own actions, your responses. See stuff in a positive light instead of always so negative...

---

Its comments like these and people like you that spur me on and I just got off the phone from MIL and she is giving me the $100 back tomorrow. So I really thank you, your post made me get off the couch and do something about it! And, may I remind you, that you don't have to reply to my posts NOR do you need to read them. Kindly block me because your comments really grate me to know end. But I am happy now I have my $100 back and I won't be helping MIL again. You don't know my MIL and you don't know the children. This is all shortlived. I will give them a month until they are bored with this and will want something else. The bulk of our money goes to children in need and I am happy to continue this. I support 3 Charities for children overseas. At the moment I am buying Christmas gifts for children overseas. I will not give to spoilt children and incompetent grandparents.

Let's play nice..

Moderator Message »
Closed whilst under discussion