Surrogate~ what would you do?

Hi All,

My sibling and their partner (same sex relationship) asked me to consider having a baby for them. It would NOT be my egg so we would need IVF. I feel like there is so much to consider, and I have some time up my sleeve.

I am asking you all what comes to mind to consider? We have 4 children already, he has offered some home help and support for my body pre and post care. Gosh, my heart and head to and fro and I feel like I am still digesting it to be honest, so please be careful with your words, supportive questions and considerations would be very much appreciated!

What would come to my mind?

- Impact on my body physically, including the IVF process (which may or may not be successful), the pregnancy, the postnatal period and my feelings about having another baby in future (my own)
- Impact on my own children and family (while pg is somewhat easy for me, it still takes its toll on my energy levels and my ability to take care of my family)
- What if something unexpected happens (ie breakdown in their relationship, breakdown in my relationship with my sibling, issues with surrogacy, issues within my own family)
- Despite it not biologically being my child, how do I feel about giving up a child I have carried that would immediately after birth recognise me as its mother in a physical way
- Financial impact given any/all of the above

This is such a fraught area... GL with your considerations. Whatever you do, i would make sure both sides get independent legal advice and have everything sorted out before you even start the process physically.

Hey Lovely, Wow what a big thinker of a question. I can't begin to understand the foggyness you must be feeling. These are what I would think to ask and consider.

I am guessing your close with your sibling for them to ask you?

I know your still unsure about whether your baby journey is over, would this effect that choice?

Your girls were very involved in Miss P's pregnancy and how do you think they will feel about it, would it be to confusing, specially for the yournger girls?

What about DH, what are his thoughts?

Then how about your emotions if (heavens forbid) there is a loss? You have been through more then enough and that alone worries me for you.

May have more questions come up.

Two awesome replies... something more for me to munch on... thanks Kazzo and Jennifer xx

I guess my questions stem from my most recent pregnancy; what if its a tough or risky pregnancy (for you or bubs)? My first pregnancy was perfect and the second not so much.

I'm not sure whether you've given birth vagunally or via CS in the past, but how would you feel if complications (or otherwise) led to a CS (ESP if you've never had to have one before). Would you feel comfortable having your sibling and partner there during labour?

You're obviously close to your sibling. Is there any way doing this could negatively effect your relationship? If there's a loss? If your own family suffers in some way? What if they parent different to how you would and you feel partly like its 'your' baby and find it hard to accept?

What if the baby had a disability? If it was picked up in utero would you be happy to terminate if your sibling and partner wanted to? If it wasn't discovered til birth would your sibling and partner still accept the child?

Lots of what ifs! Whatever you decide, I think you're amazing for even considering it.

EDIT: what if IVF doesn't work or takes several cycles? Is it worth agreeing on the number if cycles you're prepared to do before having a chance to reconsider?

EDIT #2 - it'll be your body but their baby. Do you all have the same thoughts on drinking during pregnancy? How about what foods are acceptable to eat? Would you be happy to have an amnio or similar if they wanted it? What if they thought you should be sitting with your feet up but you had too much to do?

I think before any decision is made you and your DH need to do alot of talking and then counselling. This will have a huge impact on all of you both before and after.

I also think you need to get legal advice.
What happens if they change their mind after the birth? Long shot but you need to ask yourselves all the good, bad & ugly questions.

Get everything in writing before you start. Who pays for Dr, midwife, hospital etc. Start making a list of all it will cost you in time, money and family.

I'd definitely get legal advice

I think that even considering this is a wonderful and selfless thing and the thing that come to mind for me that I would consider are

Can my body Handel the drugs from the IVF

How do I handle pregnancy and can I put my body through that again.

How will I feel explaining to my(your) kids why I am pregnant with a baby that will not live with them or be their sister/brother.

How would it effect your relationship with your sibling if a) the IVF is to not work multiple times and b) what if something is to happen during the pregnancy such as early or late miscarriage or baby is born with problems. Would your sibling blame you and would they will want/love the child.

Would you be ok with the IVF pregnancy if it was to result in a twin pregnancy.

In all honesty I really think it would be a wonderful thing for you too do for them but it is a huge sacrifice for you and your family. Very tough decision.

Edit-sorry should have read the other posts first, most of what I said had already been said. A lot to think about.

i could not do it.

things that affect my decision - the effect of pregnancy on my body, my mind (incl hormones), my kids, my career. I don't think my partner fully comprehends the effect of pregnancy on me, i couldn't expect my sibling to, but in tough times, i would want them to understand.

i think babies have a right to breastmilk, and for me it would be difficult to birth a baby knowing they may not have access to it- unless i was also a bm donor, and this would extend the relationship further than just surrogacy, which would make the situation more difficult.

best wishes as you work through it.

I think its great you are considering it. It is such a big decision.

My husband and I relied on IVF to conceive our children. It sucked at the time. But, like childbirth and sleepless nights etc, time has softened my view. I sometimes get reminded of the hospital visits and the emotions and the jabbing and the invasiveness. You can check your dignity at the door! But I'd do it over again in a heartbeat for my good fortune in these two children I have. I think you would feel the same if you gave the child to your brother and saw the joy it brought him and his family. But it really does knock you about. And I don't think many people will understand quite how much. Not your brother, not your DH.

THanks for the replies, I really appreciate each point that is bought in. My brother and I are very close which makes this harder, I adore him and think they would make incredible parents so I feel like I need to be very clear about the decision. I have this hopeful part of me that thinks I can do it, but the reality may be so different. Especially when it comes to sharing this with our children, me growing a baby for someone else. It will not be biologically mine so I feel like I could never question their parenting etc. The relationship I have with him I think I 'know' how he will be with his own child. I probably need to ask other people who have done it as well, what is it like after birth with all those hormones and no baby?? they plan on donor milk, but I would not be able to do that part I don't think.

Questioning the tests they would want is a great point!!! Friends of theirs just had twins through a surrogate so they know that is a possibilty.

I feel like I really need to look into the IVF side of things, I have no idea about what will be asked of me there, that will have to be taken into consideration too.

wow... so much to consider... I feel like I have to explore it all before we can answer them. Hubby and I have spent some time sitting with it and talking about it, that in itself has been amazing sharing that honesty with each other.


come back if you feel to add more please!!!

I think your idea of talking to people who have done it is great. They will give you a great insight into all the feelings involved which I think is more far reaching than things such as IVF. The conception bit is just one part of a really long journey. With regard to IVF, as you will be a gestational surrogate you may not need to do all the hormone injections and an embryo transfer does not require a hospital stay so it is not too difficult.
There are a few surrogate forums around that would help you learn more. Good luck.

What about watching him "parent" this child? What if they did things in a way you disagree with? How will you manage watching that?

When I think about whether I could accept eggs from my sister or if I would donate eggs I was always anxious of what she might perceive of my parenting and whether or not she agreed with the way I parented, I would always worry and be over anxious of that.... I always thought that it would be so much harder if it was a family member as it can be harder with family due to the history of the relationship....

You guys might be fine, but just something to think about... Your relationship with this child is different to other nieces and nephews.... It always will be, and it does not end the moment you hand the child over. It's there for the rest of your life.. Its a special relationship, but if could be difficult as well... can you live with that???

I think it's lovely that you would consider being a surrogate for your brother and his partner, regardless of what decision you ultimately make. I agree with PP's that if you decide that this is a possibility you need to seek independent legal advice. Have you completed your own family? If you still yearn for another child of your own, perhaps it would be more difficult to hand over a baby you have carried for 9 months. Who would be the biological father of the child? How do you feel about carrying your brother's (biological) child if that were to be the situation?

I have a girlfriend who is unable to carry a pg. She has endured many cycles of IVF but was ultimately told that her only hope of a biological child was through surrogacy. I thought quite seriously about whether I could surrogate for her and her husband and only two things stopped me - I still yearned for another child of my own. We have since gone on to have our 3rd (and final) child. The other reason I didn't feel I could carry a baby for her was that I feel somewhat uncomfortable around her husband - I just don't really like him much and I'm not sure that he would be a very responsible parent. I know that's judgemental, but I think in this situation it's ok to use your judgement and to ultimately make whatever decision you are comfortable with - based on whatever you need to base your decision on!

Having now fulfilled my own desire for a third child and being satisfied with my family, I think that I could consider being a surrogate for the right couple - but it's a decision you need to be certain of because once you are committed and hopefully pg, there is no going back. Good luck.

thanks for the continued responses, I really appreciate hearing each person's view. I am not sure if it is clear that this will not be my baby, it will be a donated egg and sperm from one of the couple not sure which one. In that scenario I don't think I would look at the child as mine, which is easy to say sitting here and now, but will I feel differently when I actually grow the baby, will it feel like mine?? A question that can only be considered and not a reality until I actually do it I guess.

I will get independent legal advice if it turns into a YES from us, he is a lawyer so he knows all the in's and out's of surrogacy etc, but I feel like I would need my own person to get legal advice from. My husband is certainly a HUGE part of the decision, how it impacts our life forever not just pre and post pregnancy stuff. He is amazing and staying open even though his first reaction was No way, he is just sitting with it as much as he can and I really listen to him when he raises a point. I can't measure what the impact on my children would be like, I can only look at it and ask what it might be like for them?? I grew up in a home where we had pre adoption babies for 8 weeks at a time, and it was beautiful but also when they left it was traumatic... ahhhhhhh considerations go back and forth as you can see!

Wow, this is a hard one, isn't it? I've often wondered if I could donate an egg, but I know that I couldn't carry a baby to term and then give it away (even if it's somebody else's genes) - there's still that very intimate bond shared when growing a baby and the baby knowing your voice etc. It sounds like you really want to help your brother out. I was just wondering how things would pan out if you said no to him? Would there be some guilt attached to that decision? I would definitely seek out counselling from somebody in the field who can go through these types of questions with you. Good luck with whatever decision you make

THanks Three Graces. I have an appointment for some professional support in the decision making which ever way it goes. I plan on mulling it over for a while, not just a snap answer...

I've taken so long thinking about it, that all the points I wrote down, have now been mentioned!

If you go through with it, you're truly an amazing person. It's not something I could do, but something I have thought about IYKWIM.

Good luck with any decision you make, don't rush it and be 120% sure first :)

You need to get counselling - by yourself, with your husband, and with both couples.

You need to get legal advice.

You need to know what say they intend to have over the process and the pregnancy and the birth. Will they expect to have a say over what you eat? What you do? How much you exercise? Whether you travel? Who is at the birth? Who is at ultrasounds? What you tell your kids about it? Where you birth? How you birth? I'm sure they're lovely and perfectly reasonable people, who love and care about you and will be unbelievably grateful forever - but with MY baby, I know that I had a lot of opinions about what should and shouldn't be consumed, what risks were and weren't acceptable, which tests were and weren't acceptable, what Dr I wanted, what medicines ... it was sometimes hard enough agreeing with the Dr and my husband - let alone having two more people to consider.

Will there be any jealousy? Either from your husband, your kids, your brother and his partner (you will have an incredible bond with that baby, who (particularly if you're breastfeeding) will continue to think of you as being their mother for a very long time, I would imagine.

What about your husband ... if something goes wrong, if it's a difficult pregnancy, if there's a competing risk between you and the baby, etc - what does he get to choose? What does your brother get to choose? What does his partner get to choose? Who gets the biggest say?

Do you want more kids? When? Will this impact your options?

Do you know how many attempts they will want before giving up, if the IVF isn't successful after the first time?

What if there is a medical complication with the foetus, either such that the Drs raise the option of termination? What if the complication poses a risk to you? Who gets a vote in what happens? You? Your brother? Your other halves? What if it's simply that they want to do an amnio - who gets to decide?

How old are your kids? How involved with they be in the process? Do the 4 adults involved agree on that?

You need to know how your husband and children will feel with you going through a pregnancy (and all the ups and downs and risks and rewards that entails) for a baby who will not ultimately be part of your immediate family. You also have to think about what that would be like for you, and how you will be emotionally afterwards.

You have to be certain that you'll be ok having no say over that child once they go home with their parents. No say whatsoever - same as for any other niece or nephew - unless you have come to another agreement with your brother and his partner. Not a week later, not years later in the event of divorce or death or whatever.

Put to one side the impact of saying no. Take that out of the equation - it cannot be something you do because you don't want to say no.

This is all very heavy, heady stuff to consider - but you need to consider it. No one can say that your pregnancy will occur after one transfer, and will progress a similar way to your other pregnancies, the birth will go smoothly, you will be over the moon to hand the baby over, and have a room to yourself for a night, and then you'll go home to your family, and they will go home with the baby, and maybe you'll send over some EBM until you stop lactating, and you'll always just have a nice special bond with the baby.

You need to talk to some others who have done it for family members, to get an idea of what is actually involved.

Get some serious counselling from someone with experience in surrogacy.

Get some serious legal advice from someone with experience in surrogacy.

Talk to some people who have done it for family.

Get all three at the start of the decision making process, so you are pondering and talking and considering within a realistic framework.

This is a really big deal, and I would imagine it will take months to get yourself to a point of being anywhere near being able to make a decision.

THanks Peanutter... certainly a long road, I am glad he gave me two years notice!! I am not afraid of saying No, I want to know that looked at everything before we(hubby and I) have the answer. We both are booked to talk to someone about this, will enter the others in if it looks like a yes.