How to tell my MIL that I dont want my DD leaving me overnight yet.

Aarrgh im so frustrated. It seems everytime I speak to my MIL she has come up with a new plan to take my DD to their place a plane trip away. My DD at 2.5 years old has never even had a sleep over anywhere, let alone us sending her off for 1+ weeks! We still sleep with her at night and she still wakes up once (if not more) wanting warm milk. All this I am happy doing but I don't believe she would get the same kind of treatment from them... even though they say they would. This is only a tiny part of the reason I dont want her going though cos I do know she wld survive without us.

My DHs sisters have always been happy to let their kids have sleep overs and holidays with MIL from a very early age so its just normal in their family I guess and they cant understand why we wont allow it. I wld be absolutely beside myself with worry (and not to mention boredom!!) if DD went away for even a couple nights! DH works away alot and im a SAHM so my DD is pretty much my world!

When I was booked in for a D&C in june and they were visiting they were really trying to pressure me into allowing them to have DD for the night after surgery. That wld have been absolutely horrible for me! I explained to MIL that I cldnt do it and that it wld feel like I was losing 2 babies that day (I was very hormonal and emotional!) and she just laughed at me.

I am lucky that my DH agrees with me but hes never the one that has to come up with reasons/excuses about why I dont want her leaving.

They do know that I dont want her leaving me but I think they think they will change my mind if they keep asking. My MIL has just called this morning and said in a few days my niece is coming through and can pick up DD and take her on the plane back to their place... then she joked she will try and have her home by christmas. She also had another plan that when my DH goes to work on a beautiful island in a couple weeks that she wld have DD then so I can go. IF we cld afford for me to go and if DH wasnt going to be working 7-6pm everyday then we wld want to take DD with us! Why cant MIL understand this?!

Im not a confrontational person so struggle to be straight up with people... I do know they know my feelings on it all though.

What can I say to her??!! Am I being silly about it all?? Can most parents say goodbye to their kids for a few days quite happily and think of it as a break?? I really cant let her go so if majority of u think im being silly then ill just have to accept that im way over protective! ;) xx

Reet whether you are way over protective or not, that is your right as her mummy. You get to decide :)

Anyway, you are well within your rights to not want her to go what sounds like quite far away. A plan ride? Would she be with someone? She is far too little to be an unaccompanied minor, isn't she? I'm not sure, tbh. But for me, a plane ride is a big deal! I wouldn't want to be shuttling my kids off on a plane without me! And I am quite happy for my LOs to have sleep overs with my ILs... But not for that long, and not that far away.

I think you just need to tell them, nice and clear, "I am not comfortable sending DD away for that long. I'll let you know when I'm ready for her to have an adventure with you guys. At the moment I just think she is too young. Thanks for your offer."

Just laugh and say NO :)
It's like when people say they will take my DD to give me a break ummm NO I don't need a break :)
Perhaps you could suggest if they are that desperate to see her they come to you :)

I don't think your being silly at all. We are the same here. And ours don't have to go on a plane to go! I think you should just not give excuses simply say.....We (you and DH) are not ready for her to go away over night and think she is to young to be so far away.
Maybe ask your DH to tell her if you cant? Somehow I would also put in there that it makes you feel uncomfortable they keep asking and that you will let her know when your ready if and when that time comes.
Other option is send it to her in an email. I think it may come down to wording. Point out you think its great they love her so much and want to spend time with her, but as her parents you simply feel she is too young and is not ready for such a stay. Also our dd is 3 in Jan and she has never really been without us either and my IL's only live literally down the round from us lol

she really shouldn't need any reason beyond that you don't want her to do it. Period.
I agree with OP, just keep saying you don't want it. I would suggest don't make excuses, that just gives her something to argue about; just tell her no.
Also, I don't think you're weird. Some parents are ok with this even from a young age, personally, I'm not. My kids started have 1-night sleepovers once they were 2+ and sleeping well. They've never stayed away more than three nights total and DS is now 5.5 :)

O.Princess. Its only a 2 hr flight so not too far away, but I think even if it was a 2 hr drive and I wasnt going to see her for more then a night I wld be just as against the idea! Whenever she has made plans for DD to go and see them she has always said she wld fly down and get her or like in a few days time, my 15 year old niece is flying up so DD cld go with her... she said its a perfect way to get DD on the plane cos she loves her cousins! Ummm what happens once DD realises mummy and daddy aren't there?! Cousins will only give her so much happiness and comfort.
I will just have to take ur advice and be straight up and say 'I feel shes too young AND im not really to leave her yet' I know they will just think im being silly but oh well.. I wld rather be that kind of mother then one that offloads my baby at any old time.

Joeve- its so frustrating!!
My inlaws do actually visit every few months but its always the same thing 'can DD sleep over tonight' or 'can we take her back home with us'. I just need to toughen up and say 'when we're BOTH ready ill be sure to tell u!'

I am due to have a baby in april so I imagine its going to get worse since they'll think then that their doing me a favour by taking her.

I have to talk to MIL soon, im feeling so anxious about it all! :(

I understand you feelings. I wouldn't want mine away from me for that long or that far away.
Another thing in your corner is children under 5 must be supervised by an adult over 18 while on a plane. So you DD's cousin would not be able to escort her.

DH and I went on a belated honeymoon recently (we waited until we felt comfortable leaving the boys) it was for 8 days and although we enjoyed ourselves it was hell! I missed them so much and I skyped them every day and thought of them every second! I don't plan on leaving them again anytime soon! The only reason I went was because my mum offered to fly over from WA to NSW to have them, she is the only person I'd trust with them for that long, I felt more comfortable because it was my mum, whereas I wouldn't have felt ok with it if it was the ILs despite how much I love them! They also say things along the lines of sending the kids over for a holiday, but the kids are 3 & 2 and ILs know we wouldn't even consider it for several years

Anyway long story short! She is your DD and it's up to you when you feel comfortable leaving her! You can only be honest with them! Eventually they'll get the picture and stop asking and wait for you both to be ready.

Familyof3- I cldnt do the whole email thing, I think it wld make things awkward but If DH gets the chance ill make sure he tells them...I always end up being the one to be asked though...dh isn't normally around... maybe they plan it like that cos they know im the weak one?!

Madb- oh im glad im not the only one!! :)

Swamp princess- oooh I didnt know about that under 5 thing. ill have to bring it up BUT also still have some good other reasons cos im sure they will come up with a new plan ;)

Raffy- I think that's what I wld be like! Plus I just know no-one loves and looks after your child like you do. It wld be a huge struggle for me and not enjoyable at all. I know in an emergency situation or if my dh and I really needed to go on a holiday for something like a honeymoon then I cld do it but yeah I wld be pretty upset thinking about her.. and theres only so many phone calls and texts u can send!! Plus what fun wld it be now if I cldnt even drown my sorrows with alcohol cos im pregnant? ! ;)

:hug:
hold on a two hour flight is 1000+kms away! Thats just plain crazy to think a 2.5yrs old can handle that.

Anyhow, quite simply. I would just laugh it off and say "Thanks but no thank you. However our home is open for you to come and stay and have time with dd, but overnight stays are out of the question at this point in time."

Otherwise, fob it off with "Ill try and remember to talk to dh about it when I see him next" Its my out with my inlaws, works every time, and every time I forget to mention it to dh, and I always promise to bring it up with him the next time. Ok so perhaps we talk about it, but its a great out when we are both tired of them nagging us about something and they don't want to hear us.

I too agree she's too young to be a plane ride away, especially if she's never been away from you before.

When they visit, do they take her out for the afternoon/day? It's something you have to work up to, iykwim? Start with you ducking out for an hour for groceries, then build up to a half day, a day, or an overnight stay with you nearby. Take it as slow as you need to and don't feel pressured. Ever. It's your right as parents to parent as you want.

I'd be getting DH to tell them too, and to say its a joint decision. Also get him to say that their constant asking, while showing how much they care, is making you both feel uncomfortable and pressured. Let them know it's not them, that DD isn't ready to go away with anyone just yet.

There's no way known that I would send my boys on a 2 hour flight to MIL, she also lives interstate and thankfully hasn't asked...yet!

I wouldn't be comfortable even with a 2 hour drive, so you're certainly not being overprotective, and even if you were, it's your right to be :)

I wouldn't be ok with my child being that far away, so you are not alone.

my 3.5 year old has only stayed at my mum's by herself once, and once at another friend's just ten minutes away (and I picked ds up at midnight, still knew she was asleep and ok).

when preparing for the sleepover at mum's, dd and I stayed there one night to see how she would go.

my mil has also left many hints, but I'm not comfortable with the idea yet, so just keep deflecting the suggestion.

I wouldn't want my kids on a plane with a 15yo or that far away either, just keep saying no. Doesn't matter if the rest of the family are happy to do it you are not and that's all that should matter.

You're not being over protective at all, my 6yr old has never been on a sleep over and I sure wouldn't send her on a 2hr flight. Your MIL already knows your feelings so you really may have to be straight up with her, politely but sternly. Really hope it all works out.

Regards,
Dianne

I agree with the others who have said to build up time away.

What is going to happen if she get really upset and wants her Mum. You are not just around the corner and I know you certainly don't want a phone call with a distressed child on the other end wanting to come home.
When you do let her go overnight/away you want it to be a fun experience, not one where if she will gets homesick to never want to go away again.

Just say no and leave it at that. Remember, you are the parent, we as grandparents need to learn to respect decisions made by the parents

I'm only just starting to think my 7 year old could manage a flight alone to stay with her Nana or godmother interstate for a short holiday. At 4 I think she had her first sleep over with a very old friend who had a DD her age - but we were staying down the road in a hotel!

No way would I even be considering sending my 2 year old on a plane trip without me, and she's already flown several times with me. Let alone staying with someone for over a week! My guess is also that since they're that far away she's never spent days on her own with them, which would mean she doesn't know them that well. You could build up to it by both going for a week for a holiday for the next few years and then see how you feel.

You do need to say something that will stop them from pushing you for a couple of years... But maybe it has to come from DH for them to listen? I absolutely hate leaving my little ones! The first time I ever left them was for four nights and I cried on the plane lol. That was 6 years ago... I went away 3 months ago and cried again, this time it was for three nights haha. Hubby & I are going away for our ten year wedding anniversary in December & leaving the kids with the grandparents for four nights... Any longer & I wouldn't survive. You're not overprotective, you're just a mum who wants to be a mum all the time - simple! Be firm and say "no!" Lol

I dislike your mil a lot. I feel upsrt reading what she is saying. It must be five thousand times worse for you.

You need neither reason nor excuse. You are Mama and they play by your rules or not at all. Perspnally, I would (and have) just said no when she starts up, then hang up. Don't let her push or ask why. Just "no" and hang up. Not like she hadn't been told no before, she's just too selfish to consider your feelings valid. And to laugh at them! Aaagh.

No and hang up. Not even goodbye. Then don't pick up the phone when she calls back.

No way would i let even my 4 year old fly anywhere without us at this point - it's not over protective, it's just knowing myself and knowing my daughter! Even though she may be fine, there is no way to know that - and being that far away with no way to get to her - no WAY! DD knows my parents very well (she sees them at least once a week) - and even when she asked to stay with mum one night, she ended up not being able to settle (she has had naps at mum's a squillion times as she goes there at least one day a week so i KNOW mum was doing the same things we do) - and mum ended up needing to bring her home to us. Mum is 25k's away, and we COULD do that - a plane flight, no matter how short (and two hours, IMO, is NOT a short distance at all) - nup, no way

there are lots of factors your IL's need to understand - the distance may not seem much, but you are uncomfortable with it. If they live a 2 hour plane flight away, i would suspect your DD doesn't really KNOW them to the point where they would have unconditional trust from her and it could be quite distressing for her. when they visit, she has her safe place - so they are fun and exciting and awesome - and she is likely she is comfortable with them because she knows she has the safety of YOU.

I'd be telling her unconditionally that it won't be happening any time soon, it's upsetting you and you want her to stop suggesting it. when you feel the time is right, you will broach it with them.

Hello, I think over time I have become more assertive to people when it comes to my kids. I saw that everyone else does whatever pleases them so I should too. I think if you don't want to send your kids (which I think is very reasonable, I wouldn't either!) then you shouldn't.

I'd be polite but firm. I'd say my kids aren't up for it and we will visit you .... Don't give excuses or justify your decision as I find it doesn't make much difference any way.

One thing to think about, would you let your mother in law tell you how to feed your kids or where to send them to school or how to put them to sleep. This is another decision amongst the millions we make and it isn't up to her. Don't feel bad and stand strong. It would help if your DH agrees then he could just say no also. After time hopefully she will just pester someone else!

I absolutely, no way, no chance, would not happen, wouldn't let any of my children be a plane ride away from me and their dad simply because the in laws wanted a visit. My eldest is 10. Certainly not at 2.5!! I have been a plane ride away when I went away with girlfriends, but my kids were with their daddy, in their own home, with their normal routine and with my mum staying for extra help. If DH and I go away, the kids come with us.

I understand that not everyone feels the way DH and I do, and that's ok - but if you and your Dh aren't comfortable with your child being away from you, the answer is simple. No. No explanation is necessary.

I am actually dumbfounded that she thinks putting a 2 1/2 year old on a plane with a 15 yo is appropriate!! A 15 yo abysitting in the child's own house is one thing - but taking them on a plane is a WHOLE different story!!

I think its unanimous here.... We all seem to agree with you!

There's too many posts for me to comment individually now but THANKYOU so much for your replies!
Yay I am normal!!! ;) I am so glad that my feelings are valid.

My MIL ended up calling my DH today and saying that she had spoken to me about sending DD to them and what does he think? Straight away DH reckons he said 'no' She tried saying 'oh its not in the next few days, it will be in a weeks time' He just told her its not necessary, she then said she thought I wld like the break. His reply was 'from what? Shes a stay at home Mum!' Cheeky bugger... cos ofcourse us SAHM mums dont do anything hey ;) She then said how about when you go to Hamilton Island to work and he said 'Ill be working'. (its so silly she even came up with this plan cos all dh had said to her was that he was going there for work, nothing at all about me going)
I called him and found all this out before I spoke to MIL thank goodness, I felt the weight lift off my shoulders!
So when I spoke to her she said 'oh I thought u wld like to go to H. Island' and I said I wld but IF it was going to happen then we would want to bring DD and then made a little joke that DH would prefer her over me anyday!' Luckily that was enough and the subject was changed... I think that will be it for a while now... Its quite obvious we're not ready. I know they don't and wont understand what the problem is and will probably feel a bit sorry for DD having such 'crazy' parents but that's ok, I know the truth ;) I sometimes wish I was still breastfeeding DD so I cld use that as my reason, but then again from the time she turned 1 til I weaned at 2 MIL was always saying to send her there to wean her because thats how my SIL weaned all her 1 year olds and it worked really well. (she has 5 kids) I think it wld have been a horrible way to wean for her and me!!

DD does surprisingly have a special bond with her grandparents and cousins etc, considering she only sees them 4-5 times a year, and she wld have an absolute ball visiting but im sure it wld be a different story with no mum and dad... You have all helped me to see that the bond she has with them wldnt he enough, especially for a long period of time. She wld definitely need to do a sleep over first... and I cant see that happening for ATLEAST another year... and I wld have to be a small car trip away. (gosh I havent even wanted her to sleep in their bed with them when theyve asked and theyve been staying at our place because I wld find it hard her not having dh or myself in with her.. luckily she has always said no! ;) )

So thankyou all once again for helping to make my reasons more clearer and also for making me realise this is a normal way to be and to be stronger in the future and just say no!! :) xxx

Wowsers no way!!!
My DS1 is nearly 5 and 1/2 and only time he slept away from me was when I was I. Hospital having DS2 and he was at our house my DH and my mum!!!
I could not let him sleep over anywhere!!! He still frequently comes to our bed over night!!!!

I am also very fussy and picky with who we let look after the kids. And you know what if people get annoyed too bad my kids I decide!!!

My eldest is 7 and has been on one holiday with my parents for 2 nights. They trialled sleepovers for a year before taking him away. Even then, they were a 1.5 hr drive away.

My youngest is 5 and he has never slept away from home. He has always refused.

I turned down an invitation from my mum to have them for a week before Christmas. We are in Queensland and they are in Victoria. My youngest wouldn't cope and honestly, neither would I. They are my babies and are not ready for a holiday of that duration away from me ( DH is deployed in Darwin at the moment for work).

Now you have stood up to your MIL it will be easier next time. Also never give her an age where you think it would be good for them to go

Just remember.......our children, our rules.

That's great that you've both told her no and she's dropped it. If she does continue to ask though, I wouldn't make excused - when that one thing is no longer relevant she'll ask again and you'll need to come up with something else. My only reason would be "I'm not ready and she's not ready, especially to be so far away. We'll let you know when we're ready, but don't expect it any time soon".

I'm very happy I'm not getting the same questions, because there is no way DD would be staying anywhere overnight without me! She's 2.5 too, and my parents are a 2 hour drive away, ILs are a 3 hour drive. They've never even babysat her during the day, she's just not comfortable enough to be completely on her own yet. And I'm certainly not comfortable with it yet lol. There have been allusions by some that I'm overprotective, but I take the same tack as OP - I'm the parent, and if that's how I want to parent then it's my choice.

Hopefully it's easier in future!