Talking about childcare

I was chatting to someone yesterday, and she asked if my DD1 goes to childcare. She doesn't. The person I was chatting to does use childcare, full time. I don't have a problem with her doing it, I've known her a long time and she's a great mum, who chooses to work, and is a really inspiring person. I don't know what it is, but this conversation makes me really uncomfortable. It happens often, other mums ask if I use childcare, which I don't. My background is in early childhood and I think I'm scared that they'll ask why, and I don't know how to answer diplomatically.

I guess I'm just wondering how it looks from the other side of the conversation; I'm really conscious of confrontation. (Not that I avoid it, necessarily, but I like to preempt it where I can) So if you were this mum, how might the conversation make you feel, and how do I approach it?

Do you mean if I were you? I don't think I could answer the same way you would, because I wish I didn't have to use daycare. I wish we didn't rely on my income, but we've made some not so smart decisions in the past (smart at the time, not ideal now) that mean I need to work and therefore we need daycare.

Whenever the topic comes up I just remember that parents do or don't use daycare for varying reasons. Some love to work and can't wait to get back, others are like me. Some want to go back but can't, others are happier staying home. So far I haven't had anyone ask the question maliciously, they usually ask where DD goes and if it's any good.

I don't think anyone should have to justify whether or not they use child care.

But if you want to have a ready answer, you could say that you don't need to use it and know how scarce places are so you don't want to take a place away from a family who need it. :dunno:

Now I'm interested in what your answer to the why not question would be :)

I agree with the other posters every one's in a different situation some may want to be working others not, some may be happy with their childcare arrangments others not etc.
I don't think you need to be afraid of having a conversation about this unless you feel the need to take a 'childcare is bad, it will harm your children, no matter what the situation is/was childcare is the wrong choice' type of stance. Even if you don't think childcare is bad as long as you don't have a problem with others using it and allow them the space to make their own decisions and not have to feel guilty about them, then I think it's absolutely fine. So basically as long as you explain why you're not using it for your situation and don't just start telling anyone who is using childcare that they shouldn't because it will harm their babies, I wouldn't expect it to cause confrontation.

If I ask, it's so I can follow up asking if the other person would recommend it as I'm looking for a new one.

No judgement if you don't use it, I'd love to be in that situation.

Why not answer honestly? Is there something wrong with your answer?

I suppose for you answering it is a little more tricky if people know your background is early childhood, because people may interpret your answer has extra 'weight' because of your background?? IYKWIM

Also maybe your feelings about it are how alot of people relate to their jobs/employers - discussions come up about industry you are in, and sometimes you feel the need to defend that area but also your personal choices don't always tally with that defense??? Maybe that is where the uncomfortable feeling comes from?

I would just be honest - whatever your answer is, and relate it to your own situation, because really no-one is comparable because peoples situations are all different.

Also remember many people are perfectly comfortable with using childcare (myself included), and so won't feel defensive about it anyway - people may be curious about your answer but won't necessarily see it as a comment/relevant to their own situation.

For me it doesn't seem strange for someone involved in early childhood to not use childcare. I ended up in the career I am in just through a series of random decisions really, with no consideration of how it might fit in with having children (naively perhaps I thought there would be more options/flexibility) - working in early childhood with the exposure to children and parents, I would think that you are far more likely to make decisions to allow you to do what you want when it comes to childcare and working rather than just ending up in a position where you need to use childcare without having much control of that decision.

I totally get you on this.
I've had a few such conversations sneak up on me by accident
I say something like 'my son is lucky, he gets to hang out with his grandma 2 days a week'. And accidentally offend people who now think that I think their child is unlucky.

There are so many parenting things like this that if we let our opinions out unchecked, we would not be very good friends (oh, you do timeouts? oh, you let your kid have cordial? oh, you are not like me in every way?) haha. Its SUCH a hard balancing act to speak lovingly about our own choices (especially if we feel we need to advocate for our choices) without making others feel judged. Mainly I just keep quiet. But I'm not sure thats the right answer either.

Are they not just asking out of polite interest/making conversation? As with others, my first thought would be that they were looking for recommendations.
You seem, perhaps, a bit self conscious about your own reasons for not using it. Or am I reading too much into it? :)
anyway, if people have particular ideas they will regardless of what you do or don't say.

I've used daycare out of need and for my own benefit to get a break, and I'm quite comfortable with that. I totally appreciate other people's reasons for not using it at all and I don't feel judged if someone thinks daycare is inappropriate for young children. Actually, I agree that it's a compromise. But, as with many of my parenting decisions, I am less than perfect and sometimes the compromises are quite deliberate. I'm ok with that.

Last year I was almost that other Mum - DD1 was in childcare 4 days a week. We have no option other than childcare for when I'm at work, we have no one else to watch our girls.

If I was the other Mum I wouldn't think anything of it. I find the conversation of childcare comes up quite regularly these days when Im at Playgroup or other activities with my girls. It tends to pop up when we talk about the varying activities we do with our kids each week. If someone says to me they don't use childcare I tend to have two simiultaneous thoughts. 1. You're lucky that you don't need it (especially if they are working and have someone else care for their kids) and 2. (Especially if they don't work) when do you get a break? I don't say this to people, that is just my thought process.

Personally, I love our childcare and so does DD1. Admittedly I personally didnt like putting her in 4 days last year, but its what we had to do. I'm hoping the 3 days each girl will go for next year will be a better balance for us.

EDIT: just as a bit more perspective. One Mum I know, when asked about childcare says that no, her child doesn't go; she didn't become a Mum to send her child to be cared for by someone else. Even as someone who uses childcare, I don't take offence to this (and she doesn't mean it with any offence intended). Everyone parents differently and has different situations.

Personally I have found it to go the other way. Negativity about using child care as opposed to not.

Honestly I have had reactions so over the top to my admitting to working and using childcare, that you would think I had told them I put my children in a box with only a muesli bar for sustenance whilst I hang out at cafes for the day.

I agree with others, just be honest. I find when replies are done in a defensive manner they are more likely to be taken the wrong way.

I'd probably just keep it really light and simple, "no I don't at the moment, I might in the future." No-one could possibly take offence to that.

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EDIT: just as a bit more perspective. One Mum I know, when asked about childcare says that no, her child doesn't go; she didn't become a Mum to send her child to be cared for by someone else. Even as someone who uses childcare, I don't take offence to this (and she doesn't mean it with any offence intended). Everyone parents differently and has different situations.

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I'm pleased for you that you took no offence. It is still an incredibly offensive statement.

I did not have a child to farm him out to others. But I also don't want my family to starve. Hmmm, food and love from someone who isn't me or being smug, judgemental and near death. Such a hard choice, I wish I'd picked differently and gone for smug and rude now. Oh wait, I don't. Cos I have a happy, well adjusted and FED family.

At the end of the day it is your opinion. I think there are many benefits for children over two. Many more from 3 and essential for 4 and 5 year olds. If you have to work then do it and don't justify why you use child care. Women need to support each other. Its tough enough as it is to raise kids! Everyone has their own decisions and different kids.

I personally have no opinion on whether other people should use daycare, but I always say "I love being a mum, but jeebus I love going to work and having adult time. We have no village so daycare is our only option"
I dont have an issue discussing it, I wouldnt give it a second thought.

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EDIT: just as a bit more perspective. One Mum I know, when asked about childcare says that no, her child doesn't go; she didn't become a Mum to send her child to be cared for by someone else. Even as someone who uses childcare, I don't take offence to this (and she doesn't mean it with any offence intended). Everyone parents differently and has different situations.

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I haven't used childcare, except for 3 year old kinder, and I find this response offensive and dismissive of the many reasons that parents may use childcare.

I don't find that comment offensive. A bit self centred perhaps. Her reasons are her reasons and I CBF wasting energy being offended by them. I know someone with that exact opinion. I think he's an idiot (not just because of that opinion - I disagree with just about everything he says & does lol). But I'm not offended.

Pretty much everything wysiwyg said. And yes, MadB, I am self conscious of my answer. I don't work, but it's not all lattes and play centres. We budget so very tightly for me to be able to stay at home, because it is really important to me. And I worry that by being honest I will make the other person feel uncomfortable about what I am saying. I don't judge anyone, but I have this dreadful fear that I will be perceived as judging.
And then the secondary bit is that yes, Tinks, places are really scarce, but I don't know why, because most of the places near here aren't very good. And I find it really hard when someone gives me a recommendation for their centre, because, from inside the industry, I know things that they couldn't and I wouldn't use it and just don't know if/how to relay that.

I also find it really hard to deal with questions like "when do you get a break?" And "how do you fill your days?" (Both have happened, unfortunately people don't have chody's filter when it comes to this)

I appreciate everyone's perspectives, but I don't feel any less anxious about it. I probably never will.

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One Mum I know, when asked about childcare says that no, her child doesn't go; she didn't become a Mum to send her child to be cared for by someone else. Even as someone who uses childcare, I don't take offence to this (and she doesn't mean it with any offence intended). Everyone parents differently and has different situations.

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I think it depends the tone in which its said though (like anything really). My SIL has a habit of saying statements exactly like the above in a dismissive and judgemental tone, so offence is intended. Lucky for her we are very comfortable in using care and our kids are happy, cared for and well adjusted so her opinion is of no worth

In 2.5 years I've never asked anyone if their child goes to childcare. The only reason I would is if I'm looking for somewhere new and want to know what theirs is like. If your response was simply no, then that's that. I might say I wish I could stay at home and not use childcare. Because I do understand the budgeting pressure a lot of families are under in order for one parent to stay home, whether or not care is used is not usually a flippant choice. I hope you don't come across too many judgmental people.

And if I knew you, and I knew you were in the industry, I would *love* to know your thoughts on local centres. I love where DD goes, she seems to like it and from what I see the carers are great, but she's there for 7 hours that I never see. If there are things going on there that would make someone in the industry not use the centre, I'd want to know.

In your position I'd likely be saying that you work in early childhood because you love children, and now that you have your own, you are devoting all that love to them and will return to nurturing other children when the time is right for your family.

You don't have to go into the specifics about not wanting to use x centre or not enough spots (although I will be honest and admit that when asked for the five hundredth time why we don't put dd in care so dh can have a day "off" I've used examples from working where I do to state people are screaming for places they NEED so their kids can go into care, and I don't want to take a space from them, so yes, I've used it!), you could even say you're enjoying being a sahm for now

I must admit I find it odd that there is an assumption pre schoolers will be in child care at some point. For some family dynamics it's simply not needed or wanted. I don't begrudge anyone using care (hell, I was raised in an FDC house - without people needing care we might have been a family with zero income at all!) I just find it perplexing that there is an assumption that it WILL happen. It's not a necessary step like primary school. It's an option for families that need (or want) to use it

Personally I'd love to hear inside goss on centres before deciding! That's how we decided on the one we use, by talking to someone who'd worked in a few around here and knew others in the industry.

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In your position I'd likely be saying that you work in early childhood because you love children, and now that you have your own, you are devoting all that love to them and will return to nurturing other children when the time is right for your family.


You don't have to go into the specifics about not wanting to use x centre or not enough spots (although I will be honest and admit that when asked for the five hundredth time why we don't put dd in care so dh can have a day "off" I've used examples from working where I do to state people are screaming for places they NEED so their kids can go into care, and I don't want to take a space from them, so yes, I've used it!), you could even say you're enjoying being a sahm for now

I must admit I find it odd that there is an assumption pre schoolers will be in child care at some point. For some family dynamics it's simply not needed or wanted. I don't begrudge anyone using care (hell, I was raised in an FDC house - without people needing care we might have been a family with zero income at all!) I just find it perplexing that there is an assumption that it WILL happen. It's not a necessary step like primary school. It's an option for families that need (or want) to use it

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Couldn't have said it better myself BG. And I'm a Kindergarten teacher with a background in childcare.
It was a very hard thing to have to go back to work and find someone to care and educate my DD when I was off educating other people's children.
FDC was the answer. I couldn't put DD in any local centres after working in the industry for years.

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I couldn't put DD in any local centres after working in the industry for years.

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Why?

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I'm pleased for you that you took no offence. It is still an incredibly offensive statement.

I did not have a child to farm him out to others. But I also don't want my family to starve. Hmmm, food and love from someone who isn't me or being smug, judgemental and near death. Such a hard choice, I wish I'd picked differently and gone for smug and rude now. Oh wait, I don't. Cos I have a happy, well adjusted and FED family.

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I agree that it probably is an offensive statement, but I guess that by personally being comfortable with our decision (and necessity) to use childcare I didn't take it as being offensive as I didn't feel her tone was judging me for using care. I also personally feel that everyone has a right to their own opinions. She might think its best to spend every day with her child whereas I feel that time away from me in a different environment is best.