breaking off contact with family.

has anyone ever 'cut off' a family member, but kept contact with the rest of the family?

I need to remove my sister from my life, but obviously we'll be at family stuff together.

we've decided to skip xmas(going to visit with my fil), but its only a matter of time before I have to be at an event with her.

Yep, I cut my mother, step-father and a brother out of my life. It's easier for me though as I live 2 states away from 99% of my family.

Yep I cut my grandfather out. See it occasionally but that's easy I just ignore him

It sucks doesn't it? I cut my mum out quite a few years ago. At most family get togethers, if she turns up (Christmas, nieces & nephews birthday's) I say hello, am polite but avoid engaging with her in a lengthy conversation as I just have no interest in pretending everything's ok when it's not. Both my brothers & my daughter have occasional contact with her but everyone knows I've tried my best & it just doesn't work so no one gives me grief about it anymore.

I no longer see my mum or brother, haven't had to see them at any family events though. It's a difficult thing to do but I am much happier.

We cut off all contact with mil and fil. Kept seeing all other in laws until we realised that they were running back to mil and fil with all that we were doing including showing them pics of our boys. Now we have nothing to do with any of them...

Yep, I cut one of my sister in laws out completely (we have little to do with DH's family anyway). Deleted her on FB and we haven't called each other. In the last 9 months I think we've seen each other twice, maybe 3 times at family gatherings.

I'm sick of her and she's the one I got on best with but I'm tired of being used when she needs something, enough was enough.

As for dealing with get togethers, we staying until we've had enough and leave, I stay civil enough for the kids sake but I don't go out of my way to have a conversation with her. If it's getting too much maybe move to another room/area for awhile compose yourself and then go back in and strike up a convo with someone else.

I broke contact with my mum. I had in the beginning different family member ringing to discuss what they could do to fix the problem so that contact would resume. When that failed I have had different members react differently. Some our relationships have become closer, and others have become distant or the relationship has stopped. Thats the case with my brother, who couldn't understand why the relationship broke, he took it upon himself to choose a side (when I swore black and blue there was no reason to choose, but he then started to bully and push until the relationship broke).
I haven't had to do a get together, and probably won't have to, but if we did it would be civil, but hopefully would be able to stay far enough away to avoid contact.

I have had family members contact me to to fix it but they are just doing what mum asked them to do rather than talking to me about the issues, it's all my fault and they were running back to her with information which a friend let me know. I am closer to my dad now though as I can see why he was never around.

We have chosen to have no contact with DH's sister and we are all better off for it :D

It was initially very difficult at family gathering. Very ackward for everyone but as the years have gone by it is much easier for every one. I still have a difficult time being in the same room as her, having to attend the same functions as her, sit at the same table and share a meal with her due to what she did to me. It is slowly slowly slowly getting a bit easier.

If you need to do it for you and your family to be better off then do it!!! There comes a time that you are allowed to say no more and put your family first.

We have no contact with my father or his new wife. He still attends events for my brothers and sisters as do we. He was told in no uncertain terms why we were choosing to break contact. He has tried over the years to get a reaction (send gifts, money etc) but they are ignored or returned. At mutual events, he is acknowledged with a polite hello if necessary but usually ignoring one another works well. The only thing I am wary of is him introducing himself to the children, talking to them, or taking unwarranted photos. The kids are never left unsupervised with him around. At this stage, they haven't worked out the whole family connections/relations thing to work out that their cousins grandfather is also theirs, so they have no idea who he is. He visited my sister when we were at her house once and after he left my eldest exclaimed "who were those strange people?!" Im ok with that.

Thanks everyone. We took the first step today and Ive told my other sister and my mums that we wont make it to xmas (my older sister is hosting so no way Im going there) and we are having a separate event the weekend before at our place.
Sadly it will mean less contact with my nana, since she babysits my nieces 4/5 days a week after school, and usually one weekend day as well, and it will mean contact with my sister. (though I will try and invite her around solo as much as we can)

Stay strong, you are doing what or right for your family.

Trish - yes my mum and one of my sisters. Serious stuff caused it. X if you have any particular questions happy to help. Xx

see for us, its not one huge thing, but rather loads of little things:
Watching her belt (wooden spoon/hand) her girls from about 1yo
Watching her shut them in their rooms and hold the door shut until they screamed themselves to sleep on the floor
Watching her refuse to feed her 'naughty' 2 week old because it wasnt feed time, then 'have' to give him formula as we was losing weight
but the breaking point has been her deciding to 'chop his wang so it looks pretty'
We are just polar opposites, but her 'choices' really upset me to the point where I cant bear to watch them anymore

That's just awful... It seems like something that child protection should investigate.

Ive spoken to our younger sister about this (she worked with centrelink/dcp until she had her DD) and she doesnt think it would o anywhere, as apparently thats acceptable parenting 'choice'

But I cant stand to watch it, so I wont be.
Though DH thinks I should tell her why, and 'officially' break off contact with her, rather than just avoiding/blocking her, in the last hope that she might rethink her 'choice'
(I know if someone felt strongly enough about my parenting that they cut off contact with me, Id reevaluate my choice)

Sadly, smacking, timed feeds and "control cry" parenting are actively promoted in our society, so really not illegal. Neither is circumcision, although doctors may not do it for the reason she has given. As you can guess, I am not ecstatic about any of that either.

If someone told me they hated my parenting so much they were going to cut off contact, I would think "well expletive you, you judgemental farmyard animal." I would not adjust the parenting strategy I have worked on, read about and embraced with a knowledge that others do things differently. I have seen many different parents in my friendship groups and family and there are those I don't speak to any more, but I don't tell them it's because I find their parenting inadequate. Cos I'm sure they'd have plenty to say about mine: there is lots to criticise here too, after all.

Tell her, don't tell her your choice, thats up to you. But I highly doubt someone would change their practices/beliefs/attitudes/life on the basis on what one or two people think about them, regardless of the relationship. More likely her response would be anger, as really its not your place to judge her parenting with an ultimatum. (Im not condoning her behaviour/parenting, at all)

From my situation, l spent years explaining what the issues were, and I was never heard. Instead the response would be anger because I had no right to judge their lifestyles, and I suppose thats true to a certain degree. But it was my choice to remove them from my life, because I knew my life would flourish without them in it.

If you were to talk to her, then you need to sit down and have an honest conversation without an ultimatum (you need to change your parenting or we're cutting contact). Yes her children deserve better, but she sounds like she doesn't have the tools needed to handle the situations better. And your younger sister is right, unfortunately it is acceptable (after all there are parenting 'educators' who advocate that sort of parenting). If you aren't ready for the relationship to end, or really don't want it to, then perhaps you could gently guide her into a different parenting path? But in the end the way we all parent is our own choice.

I'm pretty confident that child protection would investigate the use of an implement to smack a child. It might not 'go anywhere' further. But if it's not reported now then it could escalate to other things in the future and there is no record of this.
If you are in Victoria they also have an organisation called child first that DHS then refers to which us designed to support people make healthy parenting choices. And teach them if necessary.
I work with children and have reported things like this just to make sure there is something on file as a minimum. But I am pretty sure that using an object to smack is not okay. And would be investigated to start with. Either way you can call and consult with them without using names to start if you were uncomfortable.

I'm fairly certain that smacking with an open hand, lightly so as not to leave a mark is acceptable. Smacking with an implement, leaving a mark or hitting above the neck is not acceptable and may constitute further investigation. It wouldn't hurt to ring and ask as obviously you are concerned.

My own family parent quite differently to how I do. I chose not to break of contact with my siblings over their parenting choices as I would rather be in my nieces and nephews lives. However, I took a big step back. I can handle her parenting style in small doses and I feel reassured that the children are ok from seeing them and we still have a relationship.