Remember Chase

So, not really sure what I am doing here, however it is 1.15am 14th Dec, I can't sleep.

I'm taking my therapist's advice and writing it out.. I can't find any of my books (pretty sure DF has pinched them again) so here will have to do.. I feel like I need to talk before I explode but I don't expect anyone to reply if you don't want too..

On 3rd of Dec 2013 I was having coffee with a nurse friend of mine, I had a bad cold and every time I coughed I was peeing myself.. Just after I set down the coffee's and went to grab some biscuits I sneezed and let out a loud barking cough (I have one of those seal coughs) and there was a massive gush. I felt so embarrassed and started crying apologizing and everything, she said no need, and that as a nurse she has dealt with worse. She told me to go change and she would go get the mop, when I came back from getting changed I was feeling a little funny down there, she asked what was wrong and I mentioned it, next second she bent down and sniffed the floor where I had an accident and told me very calmly to grab my wallet and house keys as she thinks my waters broke. She grabbed my bag and keys, got me in the car and off we went too the hospital.. We didn't go to the local small town hospital as they don't always deal with things the best. So we went to the nearest bigger town/city one. By that stage the pain/funny feeling (I really don't know how to describe it) had lessened up and I was worried about coughing or sneezing and that the next time I get up I might see blood. Thankfully I didn't..

We got to the hospital, they did a quick check and my cervix had closed up, they figured it was probably my hindwaters leaking (a lot) and so took me to get a ultrasound..

Well, our baby was still alive and kicking.. I spent most of the day in hospital, just waiting for what was going to happen.. Eventually they came to the agreement that I could go home since my cervix had closed BUT I was on strict bedrest. I got home, my DF got home (having lost his mobile phone the day before I couldn't reach him), when his mum dropped DD off from school I told her what had happened and she offered to take DD for me, so DD got to stay at her Nanna's..

DF came home, I told him what happened, he arranged with work that I contact them and they would send someone out to grab him from the pits if anything happened. On Thursday 5th of Dec I went back to the hospital because they wanted to do another check up.. At this stage I was 14w 6d. When we got there it was a bit of a weight and I felt a lot of pressure on my bladder/cervix, also a little bit of pain but I put it down to bladder being ready to burst.. I asked if it was ok for me to go to the toilet as I was busting (I'd just put away 2ltr of water in 2 hours!) and she said I could let a little bit out that was fine, they put a little cardboard bedpan thingy (I'm not sure what they are called) in to measure.. The moment I sat down I just felt this huge amount of pressure and felt like something was sliding out of me.. I looked down and immediately panicked as there was blood and a massive human-ish clump.. I burst into tears and hit the emergency button.. What happened next was kind of a blur, so I will try to recount as much as possible..

I know a bunch of people came streaming into the toilet. Someone grabbed me and not sure but I ended up on the floor (I know I faint at blood so this could have been why?) I know I felt a lot of gushing and I was soaked in blood and liquid. I'm not sure what happened in the meantime but the next thing I do remember happening was that someone said that he was gone, they cleaned me up the best they could, got a wheelchair and a few blankets and moved me into a room with showers and toilet. They did a check over and then an ultrasound where I was told that I'd emptied my womb. I was told I wouldn't need a D&C (D&E?), they took me back into the room where someone else came in with a bundle and told me that they had cleaned him up so I could hold him, I said I didn't want too, as I felt uncomfortable but I think the biggest thing going through my mind was that I wanted DF there NOW and I wanted him to be able to have a hold too.. They contacted his work and I was told they were sending one of the truckies out to get him.. So I held our baby..

I waited a few hours, they took him away and they got me some food since I wouldn't require the D&c/e. I tried to eat but my mouth felt dry. I still hadn't heard from DF neither had they. I asked if someone could grab my phone and my friend that came with me.. She came in, gave me a big hug. I text one of my other friends and asked if she could try his phone again, and she also called his work again for me. By this stage the doctor said I was ok to go home as I didn't need to stay, so once DF came I would be discharged.. I explained we couldn't get a hold of him and I kinda went numb.. I vaguely remember my nurse friend saying that she was going to go back to my place and get me a change of clothes.. While I waited they helped me shower. Someone came in to talk to me.. I asked if I could have some extra therapy sessions as I felt worried that my original response was I didn't want to hold our son, and that I was home sick and that I felt numb. They organized it for me, by this stage my friend had come back with some clean clothes. I got changed, they still couldn't get a hold of DF so I was asked if I wanted to leave or stay. I decided to leave because I really just wanted to see him and I wanted my own bed and my own house..

Long silent drive home. DF got home really late at night, that night HAD to be the hardest for me waiting for him as he'd gone to collect mail from his old place and see his sisters. When he walked in the first thing I did was yell at him, told him I was taking him off my emergency contacts as there was no point if he was un-contactable. He knew something was up immediately and I tried to tell him without crying but I ended up crying in his arms the entire time. We both cried, had a long cuddle and a bit of a talk. We decided to name him Chase with my partner's last name, though we can't think of a middle name for him. We're trying to decide what to do as a memorial for him (I kill plants so no point in having plants, because I'll break down if I kill Chase's plant through my black thumb). So any suggestions to a middle name and what to do for a memorial for him would be greatly appreciated.

The first week was the hardest.. DF apparently wasn't told a thing, which was why he went to pick up mail, So after we'd had a bit of a cry and stuff together he rang his boss up right away and blasted the **** out of him and threatened to quit right then and there over it. His boss was apologetic for no one passing the message across, the person at the desk apparently never got word out to the truckies. So his boss gave him Friday, Saturday and Monday off (as he has half day on saturday and day off on Sundays) with pay. So I rested Friday, Saturday we really had to do food shopping, I didn't want to be left on my own so I went with him, we also did a bit of Christmas shopping, which was hard seeing parents and babies and pregnant women in the shops so I didn't speak. Though the shopping was a god distraction as I didn't have much time to think about much else except shopping and what we would have for dinner. Before we went home DF stopped and came back with a puppy, it was from a friends who had a little of puppies and he knew I had been eyeing the male pup off (and had been talking about getting another puppy before I found out we were expecting), I was quite please as I am a huge believer in animal therapy and I was able to talk on the trip home about names and where he would sleep.

Tuesday when DF went back to work was the hardest, as I realized my therapy appointment was that day.. I went to that and ended up having a double session as in the first session I went completely mute.. Apparently they think that the miscarriage (is it a miscarriage? I've never lost a baby that far along before) triggered with my social anxiety can turn me mute occasionally in certain situations.. Like when I'm not at home, or if I feel uncomfortable with some things. So I have to see a therapist a few times, which I also requested. I'm told I don't have depression, I'm just grieving, It will take time and not something that I will just get over. My therapist agrees with animal therapy (I do a lot of volunteer work involving it) and suggests that if I go somewhere I take my dog/s if permit-able. Which so far is working. I think they call it elective/seletive mute?

Anyhow, another hard thing is responding to people.. I've gotten heaps of messages about if I want to talk, or if I need anything etc. but I don't know how to respond? What's an acceptable way to respond to people being sorry for your loss? Thank you? I appreciate it? Cheers?? One of the worst messages I got was from a chick I met, she's more of a aquaintence and I have no idea how she got my number, but she sent me a message saying how she's glad that she's not the only person who isn't pregnant amoung our friends (most of our friends aren't pregnant), when I replied a few hours later (my first response was to burst into tears) I said that I feel her message is inappropriate and that I disliked the fact that she feels it's a good thing, since clearly DF and myself are actually hurting and trying to cope. She replied with how I brought it upon myself for complaining about all day sickness.. To which I burst into tears and then had her blocked from contacting me on my phone again.

Thursday was hard as it marked a week. Lots of puppy cuddles, doggy cuddles and kept myself distracted all day by writing out extensive Christmas lists and plans and playing with the dogs, working around the house..

Anyways, if you stuck through all that, then I applaud you. Sorry for the long winded post.
I thank you for reading it.

-Country_Mum

No words but great big hugs.

I am so so sorry for your loss... Fly free little Chase... I'm sorry you couldn't stay :hug:

I am very very sorry for you loss. Chase is a lovely name. You don't have to add a middle name if nothing comes to mind. Maybe Christopher, after the patron saint for protection. Chase will forever be watching over you now.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby :hug:

Sending you big hugs, I am sorry Chase couldn't stay

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby. Hugs x

Oh country mum, I am crying with you. I am so so sorry for your loss.

There re is no right way to respond to people and did you don't want to just yet that's okay. That one person was really unfair, it was NOT your fault.

Look after yourself xoxox

:hug: :hug: :hug:

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so heartbroken for you.

Take one day at a time for as long as it takes. Noting you did or didn't do caused this so please don't blame yourself.

I'm really sorry that 'acquaintance' was so un sympathetic and down right nasty to you.

People message you with offers to talk because they love & care for you. You don't have to respond to any messages until YOU are ready.

:hug::hug:

Oh Country Mum my heart goes out to you. What a horrible experience you just went through. Sending healing hugs. I can't even imagine what you're going through. Take your time to grieve, one day at a time and know you are in all our thoughts. Sleep tight little Chase xx ♥

Country Mum how wonderful that you could feel into your vulnerability and share all of your story with us all. What you have been through is huge and you just need to take it one step at a time. What that one step might be will look different in each moment. Always someone will say something that is way out of line, block them out and listen to the people you love and trust.

You don't need to say anything to all the offers of love and support, you can send xx back on text, or just nod and smile in real life.

Much love to you and your partner as you journey your healing time x

Sending much love, comfort, hugs and support for you in this difficult time. Chase won't be forgotten. :comfort:

No words just all the love and hugs for you. Im in tears for you. Fly free angel Chase...xxxxxxxxxx

I am ever so sorry for your loss CM. As far as a middle name goes, maybe you could use another male family member's name/middle name/surname?

That "acquaintance is an absolute #$@#$^ and you should never associate yourself with her again. You don't need people like that in your life.

Go easy on yourself, and take as much time as you need to grieve.

I'm so sorry for your loss...

Oh honey. I am so so sorry for the loss of your baby. What a heart breaking time for you and your partner. Hugs mamma....

My heart breaks for you CM. I'm sorry this has happened and that you had to go through something like this. I hope you know that we are all here together to listen to whatever you need to say or get out..

As far as a middle names I don't think you could go past Gabriel for a little boy, or Christopher as suggested before. You will find something that feels right.

I'm so sorry for your loss, you've chosen a beautiful name for your angel boy, he will always be with you, he will always feel your love. Big hugs :hug:

I dont know what to say. I am so sorry my darling. My heart and thoughts go out to you & your partner and especially little Chase. Bless you all x

The hugest hug CM. I can only send you love and hugs at this time and I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I hope writing it all down provided some relief in that moment. Baby chase is in my thoughts.

I am utterly shocked by that lady who contacted you with her 'condolences'. What a heartless and horrible thing to say. Don't feel like you have to respond in a particular way to people or respond at all. Real friends will understand. When we lost our daughter my phone was left on silent for weeks and I checked it maybe once a day if I was up to it. I don't think I answered the home phone at all for weeks and weeks. People really do understand and those that don't aren't worth your trouble at the moment.

Xo

Thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts.

We're having a hard time picking a middle name at the moment and finding time to do a memorial for him (terrible I know) its just I don't want to plan anything without the other half, and he's flat out catching up on work he missed while he was off with me.

The "friend" is just someone in the same social circles as me, I honestly have no idea how she even got my phone number (as I don't offer it out freely), so it took a few messages to actually get out who it was.

I have counselling again later today, I think they are going to suggest a different type of counselor (I didn't know you had different ones!), so will see what happen's I spose. I feel like I'm coping a little better, mind you I broke down in the shops on Saturday because one isle was completely blocked off by shoppers and only way through was to go through baby clothes, I initially didn't even give a second thought to it, it wasn't until we were halfway through that I broke down in tears. My other half was super supportive though and ended up getting me out of the shops (I don't like shops at any time, I make a terrible female!) and we went and had lunch on the beach and he even let me have a little nap. So maybe not coping a little better but perhaps moving forward?

I do feel like crap though, DF came home late the other night and wanted to talk openly but was scared of upsetting me.. We had a talk and now he's terrified of even thinking of trying for another baby ever. So now I feel mega confused about everything, there's no kisses goodnight, no cuddles (and yeah, it's hot but it's never stopped him before), we barely talk and I feel a little ignored.. I'm sure it's just him trying to process and cope with it all, but at the same time I can't help but be a little insecure and feel like he hates me for not being able to stay pregnant..

Oh Hun it is not your fault! I'm sure your DH doesn't feel like that at all. He may be trying to work out the best way of dealing with his own grief and also helping you.

I know a lot of men withdraw into themselves when grieving. You both need eachother. It's great you went to the beach together and had some time out. Could you bring your DH to counseling with you too? Sort of a way to get him to discuss how he's feeling too, and maybe a way for you both to discuss it?

Lots of :hug:, love and thoughts for you.