Our little Leo (one hour old)

I never thought I would be visiting this forum. It has been the hardest week of my life.

At 40 weeks and 9 days we decided to go for an ultrasound, anticipating some pressure from the hospital to start inducing. After an amazing healthy & peaceful pregnancy, we wanted to provide some evidence to support our choice not to induce. i felt so well, so connected with my beautiful baby . Shockingly, they found that our little one had a bladder outlet obstruction and enlarged kidneys due to the pressure of the blocked urine. There was also no fluid around him due to the blockage. After the worst night of my life, googling the worst case scenario (ugh), we headed up to Brisbane to see the paediatric surgeon. He would let us know what could be done, most likely a stent to drain the urine once bub was delivered by c-section and then assess surgical options.

When they performed a more detailed scan, our hearts pounded in our chests -I saw his poor little bladder, far too large. His kidneys, so swollen & damaged. When she scanned his heart I could tell by the look on her face that it was serious... I knew but I still hoped I was mistaken.

The doctor quickly laid out the worst case scenario -kidneys damaged beyond repair, the fluid blockage had led to underdeveloped lungs, his heart had grown too large to cope. We were not given any hope of him surviving. How could this have happened. How could our amazing year of hopes & dreams, cherishing our beautiful conscious conception & pregnancy, our move to a new community where we would raise our child, how could all of our love turn to this so quickly.

We had to stay overnight at the hospital in brisbane, they found us a private room where we both could sleep & settle in for the long haul... What a long haul. Caesarean in the morning to birth my beautiful boy who would die (no one knew how quickly it would happen). What torture. My poor love was awake crying all night. I had asked for a sleeping pill, being terrified of the surgery & having already spent one night awake with a broken heart. I woke up to comfort him in the early hours... Both of us so frightened. I didn't know how I could get thru the next day. Not only the surgery, but the prospect of seeing my beautiful child suffer, I didn't think I could be strong enough. How could I hold him without falling to pieces, how could I not hold him? I silently prayed for him to slip away in the night without pain or suffering. At the same time I acknowledged him & that if this was the life he had chosen I would be strong enough for him, his mumma.

The surgery was so much easier than I expected. We were supported by the best team & it was less uncomfortable than I anticipated. A bereavement midwife came with us, took photos, explained everything that was happening & advocated for skin to skin contact and a gentle journey for our baby. I had no idea that such angels existed -what a woman, with us so sincerely, every step of the way.

They examined him quickly, confirming their prognosis, then he was all ours. Time stopped when he was with us, the whole world just disappeared. My beautiful firstborn child, so perfect. Just stunning, we couldn't believe it. and at the same time, how could this have happened. He had my nose, my chin, my partners amazing long fingers & distinctive toes (they look like fingers).

We spoke to him constantly, in awe, hearts bursting with love & pain. So much love! Nestling him, reassuring him that we were with him, he could take as much time as he needed... we love you, we're here, you're here, we love you so much. He was breathing sporadic breaths, little gasps, so peacefully, eyes closed but incredibly aware of us. He even made some tiny cries, like a little bird, talking back to us. He was so warm, he felt amazing, with our hands around him -finally a family. My partner says he thought his heart would explode, he felt so activated as a father, now he finally knows his purpose.

Our little Leo Obsidian came to earth for such a short time. He stayed with us for nearly an hour, being loved & cherished by his parents before he took his final breath and slipped into sleep. He gifted us with the most beautiful 10 months in the womb, changed our lives and strengthened our love. He left us with beautiful memories that will be with us forever, we are changed beings for knowing him & loving him, holding space for him to have his short journey on earth. He chose us as his parents. This is the biggest, bravest and hardest experience we have ever had to live with. We are still being nurtured and cared for in the amazing Mater Hospital and tomorrow we will return home without our little one. We must be about to become the strongest people I know. I can hardly contemplate how life goes on from here.

We both want to be parents again when the time is right -but how to move forward? I know it will take endless courage (even more than we already needed after 2 early miscarriages). I know we aren't the only ones, but I don't know if that makes it easier or harder.

Thanks for reading, I needed to tell his story. I have so much more to say.

Congratulations on the birth of your precious boy Leo, I am so sorry he couldn't stay.

Sending you love and strength to get through the tough road ahead

Thank you for sharing your story. Leo sounds perfect in every way.

May he rest in peace and know that he will be forever in his parents' hearts.

Oxox

Beautifully written. I'm sorry your Leo could only stay a short while.

take care,

Beautiful xx

Fly free little Leo.

Hugs to all x

Beautifully written
xxx

Beautiful story.
RIP baby Leo. xx

I'm so sorry little Leo couldn't stay xx

Congratulations on birthing your perfect little boy Leo. I am so sorry he couldn't stay with you longer. You have written his birth story with such beauty and honesty, and so much love, thank you so much for sharing. I have come through the other side, having lost my son too, although much earlier than you, and although you have a long journey ahead of you, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I sometimes think we have angels sent to us to show us how much love and strength we have inside of us. Take care xxxx

Congratulations on your newborn son Leo, so sorry he could not stay with you.

Thank you for sharing xoxo

Congratulations on the birth our your son and on becoming a mother. I'm so sorry your beloved Leo couldn't stay. I know how heartbreaking that is - our firstborn, also Leo, died at birth. The shock and grief was soul destroying, yet the love we had for our beautiful boy sustained us.

i hope you have a lot of support and that it lasts throughout the tough days, months and years to come. Thank you for sharing your story. Gentle hugs.

Warm congratulations on the birth of your beautiful son, Leo. What a lovely name for your darling boy.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am crying with you.

I hope you will find some support on here. Keep talking. We will all listen. Always.

:comfort:

Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful boy Leo I'm so sorry he couldn't stay with you.
Be kind to yourselves x

Congratulations on the birth of your baby Leo, I'm so sorry he couldn't stay. Thank you for sharing your story.

Thank you for sharing your story of sweet little Leo. I am so sorry he couldn't stay with you Earthside. I am glad you got to cuddle him and you have some precious memories. Stay strong and united as you snd your partner grieve the loss of your precious firstborn.

Seek support when you need it.

Sending lots of love and strength as you find your 'new normal' as a bereaved Mama.

Congratulations on the birth of Leo, he picked his loving strong parents for a reason. I'm sorry you physically do not get to take him home but may your memories if the joy you had while pregnant bring you comfort in your time of need. Take care xxx

Congratulations on the birth of your baby son Leo, so sorry he couldn't stay. Sending you lots of strength and much love.

Regards,
Dianne

Erinliz- Congratulations to you both on the birth of your sweet baby Leo... Your words are so profound and honest, what a journey you both have ahead of you... these words will be an incredible strength at times when you need it again.


So many wonderful people here on BB to listen and be with you when you need. x

Thanks to all of you amazing people for sharing our story & feeling us. Last night i couldnt sleep so i logged back on & there were 12 replies! i felt a little bit less alone. My partner can't understand how I could be ready to tell the story, but there are just so many women here at BellyBelly with mountains of awareness & understanding -of loss, longing & love.

I can see so many angel babies in your signatures... it makes me really happy to see that there are also many little ones who came to stay as well.

Xoxxox E

So much love Erinliz xxx
Sadly, you are right in thinking there are many women on BB who have walked in those shoes, I am one of them and still on the journey to the next birth.
Please keep in touch if you need to talk. I don't pretend to know how you feel but I do know when I lost my daughter at full term 9 months ago that knowing we weren't the only ones going through such a tragedy helped in the beginning. Never feel alone x
There are so many parts of grief and I just want you know that you are understood and supported here whenever you need to vent, connect or cry. Stay in touch with us! Xxx

I'm so sorry this happened to you, what a beautiful story to celebrate his birth xx

Oh what a beautiful way to celebrate Leo's life! Your love for him just flows through your words. I am so sorry you won't be taking him home with you tomorrow to share the time you all deserved - years, not months.

Thank you for letting us share in your special time with him. He sounds divine.

thank you for sharing Leos story.

Congratulations on the birth of baby Leo. I am so sorry he couldn't stay.

Thank you for sharing your journey with your precious baby. You have a gift for writing that I hope will help you in this next phase of your journey as parents. I know you will find many here on BB who understand your pain.

Here holding the space for you.

Beautifully written and so heartbreaking. I am so sorry little Leo couldn't stay.

Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful boy Leo. The love you have for your son shines through your beautifully written birth story. I'm so sorry he couldn't stay earth side.

Gentle :hug: take care of yourself and know you are not alone xxx

Congratulations on the birth of your Leo. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I am so sorry he only stayed with you for such a brief moment.
Much love and strength to you xx

Congratulations on the birth of your sweet baby Leo. I'm sorry he couldn't stay here with you.
My heart is breaking for you. I had a very similar experience with my son Noah. He was born at 21 weeks with the same issues - enlarged bladder, kidney problems, blocked urethra, no amniotic fluid etc. It was the single most heartbreaking experience of my life.
Sending you and your husband so much strength and love. Please lean on us all in here when you need someone. We are all here for you both xx