Age gap b/with children

Hi ladies (again, sorry, lots of questions today!)

So as you may or may not be aware, DH and I are trying to conceive another baby. We lost a baby in July last year, and have been ttc since. We have one DD who just turned 4 and possibly wants a baby more than we do, haha!

For one reason or another (mainly depression and cancer), we weren't able to ttc until DD was 3, and even then I wasn't sure. But I am now, and I get anxious with every failed cycled that the gap between our children is getting bigger and bigger every day.

So, what gaps do you have between your children, and the pros and cons of the gaps? Am I silly to worry about this?

And also, we will probably look to TTC #3 soon after #2, and I worry that DD will be separate from them in a way itms?

Please, help me put my fears at ease xo

Age gap for my kids is 2 years 4 months. I would definitely not want a smaller gap, I feel like DD had just gained some independence and is okay to look after herself a little when she needs to. But a bigger gap, I'd be happy with that. She'd be even more independent and able to help even more. For me the only downside would be that I feel like I'd really enjoy that older stage and going back to the dependant newborn stage after that long.

I have a friend with age gaps you're looking at. Her eldest was 4 when the second was born, and the third was born 2.5 years after the second. The eldest seems like a wonderful sibling, very caring, and besides the age there's nothing 'separating' them.

I think any age gap will work, they're all just a little different.

Best of luck with ttc xo

We initially wanted a 3-4 year gap between child #1 and #2. DD2 was unplanned, the gap is 18 months. It was very hard, especially in the first year and especially with PND thrown in the mix. It's starting to get a bit easier now that DD2 is growing up and the girls can play more together. But yeah, full on, and not a gap I'd probably choose again. It has it's benefits of course; my girls share clothes, I love watching them grow up together and learn together etc. But #3 will be about 4 years younger than DD2 :) there are definitely benefits either way.

This was definitely something I worried about when we were TTC our second, a miscarriage between the both of them made me even more anxious. There ended up being 2 years and 4 months between our boys and although that was a bigger gap than I initially wanted, it really didn't matter once some time went by. If anything a larger gap would have been better but we weren't to know what kind of personality our eldest was to have!

My sister has a 14 year old, followed by a 6 and 4 year old. The 6 year old is obsessed with his big brother so I don't think larger gaps are bad :)

I hope it happens for you soon and look forward to seeing an announcement.

I am in the same position. Bigger gaps than we planned, expected and wanted. My kids were born in 2000, 2007 and 2011. I have not been on contraception since DD3 was born (she is 3 this month) and we hope to add 1 more to the family.
Big gaps are hard too. My 2 eldest were 4 and almost 11 when I had no3. This meant DD3 was pulled from pillar to post for school bus runs (two different school buses, at 2 different bus stops, 40mins apart twice daily) not to mention athletics, swimming lessons, tutoring etc. You deal with the gaps you have when your babies are born and when you have another baby you know that it is the baby you were destined to have. Because of the gaps between my 3 children they all are separate. I expect if and when I have a 4th baby that will be the same. If I were to get pregnant now there would again be an almost 4year gap between my youngest and new baby and over 14year gap from no1 and no4.

I have these very same feelings, hun :hug: Our reasons for our gap are very different though. Our gap is 3 years 8 months. Pro of that gap is DD wasn't jealous, she understood I was having a baby and that I was very very sick, she loved helping and understood her special role of big sister, she was very involved and understood the baby growing, kicking etc, attended scans and had a very clear shot of the birth....somewhat clearer than I imagined!

Cons....I don't know that I have found many, if any. I thought they wouldn't play together and I was worried DD would never have that sibling bond other kids that are closer have but she adores her brother and they play together now, he adores her even more, I think. He laughs at her and follows her everywhere. Her voice was the first he recognised at a couple of hours of age. Actually the con I have found is that now DD is a preschool when she gets a cold it means DS gets it. That isn't something she was exposed to and I find it a bit unfair that he has to be because she is at the preschool age (prior she was only with me).

I cant answer the separation of #2 and #3 from DD but that is a massive fear of mine too.

Certainly not silly to worry :hug:

There is 5 years and 10 months between my girls. Not what I initially planned but it's how it turned out. And to be honest, I am thankful for it. I am sure it will be very challenging when DD1 becomes self absorbed and wants to be with her friends all the time or gets a boyfriend in her teens. But at the moment, I can't see many negatives. Dd1 was old enough to understand when I needed to feed bub. Or that she had to wait for 5-10 min for something. She is like a mini mum and fusses over her sister all the time (actually, that can be a negative at times!). She is an awesome helper in all aspects and is a brilliant sister. The girls love to play together and are constantly playing with each other. The fav at the moment is chasey. The girls idolize each other and light up when they see each other. I would love another one but it won't happen for at least another 12 months (so dd2 would be about 4 by the time #3 would arrive - if we do have another one).

Actually, a negative was that we had just gotten to a point where we were sleeping all night and then got pregnant with dd2. So going back to no sleep was a huge adjustment! Lol

I'm not sure how relevent this will be but I was really worried about age gaps especially thinking like if they are two or three years apart in school that's like a lifetime right? But now that we homeschool and are part of a homeschool co-op I realise and see how weird that was to think and the complete range of ages that play together and enjoy each other's company. It isn't really about school or not btw, just that that was an environment where I could really see it in action. And I mean you probably have friends of various ages right? I'm not worried at all now.

I found DD1 being almost 3 when DD2 came along was brilliant. She understood, she was independent in many things, there was no jealousy. I can't think of any cons actually. They play beautifully most of the time, by the time DD2 was proper playing age DD1 was an age where she understood how DD2 was still learning and might not understand ettiquette or rules properly (eg they play memory at 5 and 2 but DD1 is very understanding of DD2 turning over 3 at a time or things like that and helps her out patiently). She took role modeling for her sister very seriously so both are inspired by having each other really.

Hi manhattan

Dd1 is 4.5 yrs older than dd2.

We had issues conceiving but the gap is fantastic.

Dd1 is a caring sister and helps me look after dd2 while i do things.

Dd1 is quite independent and understanding when it comes to why i have to spend more time with dd2 (bfing)

Wishing you the best and may your ttcing journey be short and sweet :)

My first DD is 5 yrs 10 mths older than her little sister. I wanted to TTC when she was four, but it took 12 mths to convince DP. We love the age gap. The two of them adore each other and it was so easy to manage a nb with DD1 already in Year 1 and very willing to help.

We then had a surprise pg and DD2 was only 16 mths. DD3 arrived three days before DD2's second bday. I expected the worst in terms of juggling a toddler and nb (plus the 8 yr old!) but it's been better than I feared.

Having done both, I still prefer the bigger gap! I'm considering a fourth and I'm thinking about three years would be better than two. I'd like to leave it longer but I'm not getting any younger and I would like my baby making days to be over before I have to manage a teenager as well. ;)

Oh and on the small gap between DD2 and DD3 leaving DD1 out - I don't think that will be an issue. DD1 had her own life by the time she became a big sister. She's more concerned with how much time I spend with her than what the littlies are up to. ;) She'd rather get more time on her iPad or with her friends.

Apparently research shows 3 years to be a good gap for both siblings. The older one has had a lot of attention but is now more independent and the younger sibling is able to have more attention than if the older sibling was younger, ITMS.

I think it also depends on other issues, like personalities or needs of each child.

We're unlikely to have another child, but if we do, I wouldn't start trying until DS3 is 18-24 months, even with our history and only 1 tube.

I'm due with DD#2 next month and the gap will be about 2 years 2 months. So pretty much 2 years (down the track when they are both older nobody will say 2 years 2 months and one day or whatever, it is always rounded off, precise numbers don't matter so much once you have them.

When we were TCC for our second I had wanted a gap of 18 months to 2 years with 2 years being the absolute max. I was very anxious TCC number two because DD 1 took almost 2 years to conceive and I was petrified we would go through all of that again and the age gap would be enourmous if we could conceive at all. Plus in hindsight I had residual PND, or to be precise it was over a year before I realised I had PND in the first place. So I was overjoyed to fall pregnant after only 4 months of TCCing, 7 months after my period returned (I was still breastfeeding when I fell pregnant.). Then I lost the baby, early, just shy of 5 weeks and it affected me badly, even though we managed to conceive this one only two months later, and at 36 weeks all is going strong. I guess all of this is my very long way of saying I was so anxious about this exact age gap of 18m-2years, didn't work out like that and a LOT of obstacles along the way but here I am not that far away from my original intention. In the end, if you nurture closeness and friendship between your siblings they will become best friends no matter what the gap. My sister and I are almost 4 years apart and we are so close.

Sometimes life gets in the way of our plans. :hug: There is a 9.5 year gap between my two DDs, and it matters not a jot. They are smitten with each other, they enjoy each other's company, and as for socialising, they are both very good at forming bonds with a beautifully diverse range of people. I wouldn't advocate leaving it quite as long (for people who do have a choice) because there are logistic difficulties (eg, I've been slave to the double-drop-off for years & handmedowns aren't as easy) but on the other hand both of my girls have had space to grow into their individuality.

Thank you all for your open and honest replies. I have been reading and digesting your words, and come to the realisation that it doesn't matter. And it literally feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I truly believe God has a plan for all of us, and we will make our family work for us no matter what. Reading pros and cons for both makes me see that either way, there will be days I want to pull my hair out, and days where I'll think 'so glad I waited'.

And in the end, there's not a whole lot I can do about it now anyway, I just have to embrace what will be.

Thank you all again :grouphug:

My age gaps are - may 2010, aug 2012 and we are TTC so hopefully Dec 2014.
I like this gap, though having kids weaned and toilet trained before the next one arrived would be nice!

We have a gap of 16 months and gosh it's exhausting I don't regret it but I won't be doing it again lol in saying that it looks like well only have 2 anyway poor dh is all babied out its nice to get this stage over and done with so quick cause it is hard but it's also so sad to have to over so fast too cause it is lovely

I have 15 years between DS1 and DS2. We are currently TTC at the moment so, if we fall pregnant within the next couple of months, I will have a 20 year old, a 5 year old and a newborn..... age gaps don't matter. DS1 and DS2 are great together. Sure, they are at completely different stages of their lives (one in preschool and one at uni) but they adore each other and I know that DS1 will always be there for his little brother.

DSD will be 12 when peanut is born - and yeah, it's not how I would have planned it, but I am the oldest of 4 - with 4 years between me and my first brother, 6 years between me and my sister and 18 years between me and my baby brother - it's been fine and in fact the 18 year gap is great - weird, but I love him like my own.

A family evolves and changes and develops with each new member - I think you are right to come to the decision that it doesn't matter. What will be will be. There are good things and bad things whatever the age gap :)

Liebling will be at least 8 before Stormageddon appears. I think that is a brilliant age gap. Liebs will be at senior school before Storm even starts primary. Very little chance of sibling comparison, as our last name isn't very unusual. Liebs can do a lot of stuff for himself already and is enjoying independence. DH and Liebs are a lot closer now they do "man stuff" together, so I won't have two children who need me constantly. I have one-on-one with Stormy while Liebs is at school. Liebling can tidy up his stuff, help with the cooking and washing, and goes off to play with his friends outdoors quite a bit - I love that he is growing up and that he enjoys that, plus I'll also love not having two small ones who can't do anything for themselves and can never rest. (Had that when Liebs was a baby, now he and DH have grown up a bit which is fab.)

Liebs is also set to be an excellent big brother. He wants to take Stormy to the park and take turns in reading bedtime stories. Sounds good to me!

There's 10&13 years between me and my older siblings and we get along great just as good as I do my brother who is 3 years younger we even all had kids at the same time and my sister and I got married a month apart

There's 20 months between our boys which is right on what we wanted - we were aiming for between 18-22 months :)

DS1 was sufficiently young that he never really had any jealousy issues, and hopefully they'll be best friends as they grow up :) There's no givens, of course, but I hope :)

Thanks for the continued replies ladies! It definitely helps to know there are other families that have such varied gaps. I guess I was so negative about it because most of my friends and family have children with 1 to 2 year gaps and they often tell me DD will be too spoilt /jealous etc to accept a sibling and that it will be extra hard having a baby after having gotten past dd's sleeping/teething issues. But it's so great to hear it does work, and especially those who mentioned their own siblings with big gaps. My brothers are 6 and 4 years older than me, and we do have great relationships. I didn't really think about that, I suppose it's easier to focus on the negatives sometimes. I'm just going to focus on how great a baby will be for our family, and how loved he or she will be when it happens. I need to stop being so easily influenced by others, and follow our own path.

Thanks all xoxox