How to get 3yo DD in the bath

Yet another "confession time" for me, and it's kinda gross... Miss A is refusing to have a bath. Not just recently, it's been bad since I was around 15-20 weeks with Miss E. She especially won't let me wash her hair - that's what triggered the whole thing.

~~~wavy lines~~~

She has never been a fan of having water on her head, but let me "wash" her hair with a flannel during each bath. She used to LOVE having baths, as long as I didn't pour water on her head. But one day, I had to. We were at my mum's, I was in the bath with her, I washed my own hair, she grabbed the shampoo, and before I could stop her she'd put some on her head. I figured I might as well give it a proper wash for once, and did so.

Then it came time to rinse. She kicked and screamed and basically acted like I was drowning her. That's where it began. I haven't been able to get her in a bath willingly and for more than a couple of minutes since. She does the same kicking and screaming. Even mentioning that I want to give her a bath sends her into a panic, and I don't know what to do :(

She keeps relatively clean, I wash her with a wet flannel if she gets too dirty, but her hair is in DESPERATE need of a wash. She has cradle cap that really needs attending to (I think it's even preventing her hair from growing) and it's just generally grubby. I'm surprised she doesn't stink.

I'm out of ideas, and have probably tried everything anyone's going to suggest, but maybe someone else can come up with something? Please?

How is she in the shower?

If you are desperate id put some coconut oil in and leave for a day or so and take her to a hairdresser for a special mummy daughter day where they can shampoo her hair.

Otherwise I'd try a shower rather then a bath?what about those shower caps that stop water going in her eyes??

I hate to be the barer of bad news but you just need to ride the wave. Both my kids hated washing their hair. They still had to do it. Yeah there were tears. Some days none others blood curdling screams. But you just ride it out. Reassure and cuddle afterwards. Hygiene is a non negotiable as far as I'm concerned.

Buy a hair washing jug - has a rubber side the molds to their forehead so they don't get it in their eyes, and you just do it.

You can also get foam topless hat kind of things - looks like the brim of a hat. Keeps the water out of their eyes.

You can try the shower, but I had much more success with a 3 inch deep bath and laying them down in it.

Basically, you just do it. Talk her through it, stay calm, give her a folded up dry facewasher to hold over her eyes and talk her through it. She will calm if you do, and you only need actually WASH her hair once a week or so, unless otherwise needed. **ETA: But she needs to be washed, properly, in a bath or shower. A flannel in the sink don't cut it when they are that age. It's your job to teach her personal hygiene. She needs to wash.

Part of being a parent is teaching them that there are things that need to be done, and while you can try many different ways to get them done, she will just have to do it sometimes. Quick like a cat ;)

Ditto what Rouge said. Both my boys have gone through this stage, now that Moo is happy to have his hair washed, Buster suddenly hates it. We also do the facewasher over the eyes with the special jug as Lime suggested.

You could try swimming lessons to help her get used to water splashing on her face and head.

Wahhh, I was hoping to avoid the screaming, looks like I'll have to just suck it up and do it :( Might have to enlist DH to help hold her :(

Hestia - She hates the shower even more than the bath, aside from when she gets to hold the shower head and aim it at my face. I'm not even "allowed" to stand up if she's in with me, just the little misty splashes make her scream.

Danita - I'd love to have a mummy-daughter haircut day, but her hair is already super-short (and still uncut!). I reckon she'd scream the place down if they tried washing her hair too. I'd prefer to keep it to in our own house :-/

As for the hairwashing jug - we have one for Miss E. A likes splashing it around and helping me wash E, but won't let me near her with it.

Thanks all for fast answers and minimal judginess :) Don't worry if your first thought was "oh my god Teni is the most disgusting parent on the planet", because it feels that way to me too when it comes to this.

Will she bathe or shower with you? Cuddles and playing and stories and songs are a great distraction :)


DS1 hated having his hair wet, and now only barely tolerates it a lot of the time ... But he's heaps better when we're together.


In the shower I sit, with my legs crossed, and he sits on my lap.

My 2 are still funny about getting hair washed BUT if I lie them in bath and put hand over front of forehead and make sure no water goes on face and talk then the whole way they are fine and don't carry on.
In the shower I use the shower head in hand and get them to tip head back as far as can and put hand across forehead as well and rinse with shower head ensuring none on face.

My kids do swimming lessons and will not put face in water and detest getting splashed in face!

Its anoyying and torturous but something that must be done.

Swimming goggles in the bath. It worked for us.

We got a 'no more tears' 'won't sting your eyes' pretty bottle of shampoo and pointed out all the features. Dd still doesn't love it, but at least there is no more screaming. Maybe role playing and washing a doll s hair. might help.

Colored water in the bath, water balloons with coloured water inside are good distractions- pop the balloon and the coloured water comes out.

I wonder if she has bigger issues with sensory processing going on that is making this really hard for her.

My son responds the same way to baths and hairwashing and he has sensory processing issues along with his autism. For him we were advised NOT to get him to put his head back- do not force him into a lying down position and stop trying so hard to coax him into putting his head back while washing. It is a very disorienting position and if the issue is struggling to understand your body's position in space then it will just raise anxiety and make hairwashing even harder.

Things that work for us are giving him a stack of warning that we're planning on washing hair. We use a visual calendar and we have a picture for hairwashing that we'll put up and point it out for the week.

We usually do that bath and wash hair earlier in the day while he's still fairly fresh. We bring a large mirror into the bathroom and make sure he can see everything that's going on while it's happening. We go super slowly and calmly and have both parents there so one can be holding his hand and helping remind him he's okay and to relax and to watch the mirror. We involve him as many choices as possible so he chooses the size cup to pour water with and whether he wants it poured on slow or fast etc. We keep a towel right there and dry his face instantly after every cupful. Just whatever we can to take the stress away and put him more in control. It's made a big difference over time in that he smiles and feels proud about getting through hairwashing, rather than screaming and panicking now.

As for bathing- we don't bath him everyday and I think a washcloth is perfectly fine for a few days. We only bath him about twice a week, though we bath his brother every day so we always offer the option and try to make it interesting. Often putting his favourite toys into the water and making a game with them that he can't resist will entice him in.

I suggest you go together and have fun and play at the local pool.

What about a shower nozzle thingo that attaches to your bath tap. She can hold it and direct it herself. Giving her the control might help :dunno:

Sounds like you have a fair way to go in regards to teaching her to get her hair wet. Does she have fun at the pool? Swim classes are good for teaching them gently to get their head wet.

BTW, I don't think you or she is disgusting at all. In fact, the hair wash screaming is not a small part of why our family is shampoo free. Mine don't mind getting their hair wet with water though, so they get a rinse in the shower or bath most nights. I ran out of shampoo around last October and it has been fine (except one unfortunate incident of lip gloss though the toddlers hair at christmas time but gran had some shampoo with her).

I don't think not washing hair is gross, I only wash my kids hair if they go swimming to get the chlorine out. But the cradle cap does sound like it needs to be dealt with, and she needs a daily bath to wash everywhere else. What I would do is make the bath as fun as possible for a while until she gets used to it. At least then she's getting washed and you can then try deal with the hair.

You could try:
Food colouring in the water.
Cut out craft foam shapes she can stick on the wall and make things (I have done blue water with white foam 'icebergs' and sea animals, or pink water and cut out flower shapes to decorate the wall, etc).
Bath paint, crayons.
Even use washable paint yourself and paint the bath and make a little world with figurines to play with and no water and let her play in it during the day and get used to the bath.
Glow sticks in the bath.
etc.

ETA- I just googled and there is a whole website called 'bathactivitiesforkids' with tons of ideas.

My eldest has never been a fan of washing so I create reasons for its necessity because she's super logical but also literal. She loves to paint, play with goop, jump in the mud so we just do something messy everyday and then I can just say well you need one right and it seems to work because she can actually see what needs washing. I know there is stuff that needs washing even when you can't see it but it made no sense to her, she didn't look or feel dirty so why does she need a wash? So this just made it more visually understandable for her.

I hate washing too if I'm honest. It's a sensory thing for both her and I so having a reason for enduring it helped. We also have distracting things for playing with during and we make it as quick as possible. We only wash hair maybe once every week unless we get something in there (which actually can happen pretty often around here) and we do trades so I do hers and she does mine which helps her feel more comfortable as she can understand the mechanics of what will happen from being on the otherside.

First "suck it up and do it"
bath down!

HotI, I used your balloon idea, and it worked to distract her from her initial panic. So that was great :) Will do that again!

She started panicking again when I grabbed the soap though, and I ended up getting in with her so I could hold her arms and legs down while I washed her hair. She was calm while I was doing the actual washing - she seems to like head massages - but full on bloodcurdling screams during wetting/rinsing. DH was there trying to soothe her too, I think that helped. And letting her get out on her own once the important stuff was done.

Just have to tell myself it'll get better...

It will get better. I'm proud of you. It's hard to do things your kids don't like, but I must admit to being a bit of the suck it up kind of parent sometimes too. I think if you and DH are calm and confident in how you go about it, eventually she will be too. And if she gets positive attention and encouragement and quality time with mum and dad afterwards she will realise it's going to be okay. And settle down before hand a bit quicker.

Just be aware that sometimes behaviours can get worse before it gets better - they can ramp up the tantruming for a while as they have previously learned that it works. So if you continue on your path - calm and confident, with that empathy for her showing that you wish you didn't have to, but sometimes it needs to be done - hopefully things will improve over time. Could take days, could take weeks. But (unless there are other sensory issues affecting her - which we will assume for now there are not) it will get better xox

It will get better I promise. And sometimes when you do too many things to get her to distract etc it kind of feeds the fear. She can tell what you are doing. That it's out of the ordinary and they freak out more. Think of it in reverse. If it were you and suddenly everyone was making a big deal you'd be wondering why too. The more it is a part of her routine the easier it will be come. She needs to realise that bath doesn't equal pain. Which is pretty fair ;) well done! It sucks when as parents we have to do things to them or for them that they hate. No one ever wants to see their kids cry.

it does get easier! my DD1 (5yrs now) was like your DD1. We used the shower head attachment in the bath and i let her do the wetting/rinsing. sure it made more mess, but I deal better with mess than i do with blood curdling screams. she used to still freak out but she learnt (with help) that if she tilted her head as far back as possible, no/very little water went near her eyes/face. she now gets upset when I say it's not "hair washing day"!