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I'm just wondering why my 3 months old baby won't fall asleep on his own when he is sleepy (taking naps)? when he gets sleepy he becomes fussy, agitated and he cries a lot. I didn't master the art of "putting him to sleep yet" so I need to maneuver and do everything in my power to put him to bed, he won't go sleep easily. If he is sleepy why won't he just close his eyes and falls asleep?
Because he's still too young to know how to put himself to sleep. Kids naturally start learning to put themselves to sleep between 1.5-2 years old (some later, some earlier, every kid is different). Until then they need some help dozing off.
Babies before that generally fall asleep at the boob or the bottle, or some with a dummy.
Self settling is a developmental leap like crawling, walking, etc and will happen when the baby is ready :).
He's just a normal human baby. We're not designed to sleep alone, we're hard-wired to seek out physical intimacy and need help to settle and sleep. It's ok to just go with that, hold him, feed him, cuddle him, wear him, whatever works. In time - and looking back you'll see it isn't long at all, though it will feel like it when you're in the thick of it - he'll learn to do it on his own.
But it's normal for kids to need help to sleep till at least school age. It won't always be like this, gradually you'll shift toward books, cuddle, kiss good night. It's all the same thing, though, parenting to sleep is normal for our children.
The art of putting babies to sleep is feeding, cuddling, etc. :)
Thank you :)
You may find that by the time you are putting him down to sleep, he is already overtired and once that happens babies tend to get even harder to get to sleep.
It's a bit of an art form to catch them when they're tired, but not overtired. It comes with experience and practice.
Having said that, some babies can do it, and some can't. 3 months is still pretty young, but DS2 was doing it by then, will DS2 started around 4 months.
3 months is probably the earliest to start self settling methods. Bare in mind it is a slow and gradual process and persistence is the key. I would suggest wrapping or swaddling him if you don't already do this. I used to roll my dd slightly to one side and rub or pat her back gently. Or I would pat her bottom too. Try and face him away from you so he doesn't get stimulated by your face. Some babies get more worked up when they see their mothers. I continued this until she was asleep for the first week. Then after that I would rub/pat until she was almost asleep. I let the patting get softer and softer and then when she was about to fall into sleep I would creep out. It didn't always work, but after a few weeks she was getting to sleep quicker and easier. It does take time so be patient. Every baby is different, so if you have no luck just do whatever you need to get him off to sleep. As others have said, eventually he will get it on his own. good luck :)
What are the signs of tiredness? so far he started to scab his eyes when he is sleepy but that doesn't happen a lot, he also cries with closed eyes and that's when I know it's time for bed. the obvious signs are when he gets agitated and that's when I'm too late. other than that I have no idea.:
How many weeks it took you to teach her to fall asleep? we started a routine, a bath first, a story from dad and then sleep. it can take me up to an hour for him to fall asleep. he also doesn't nap easily. and if he naps it's not for long.:
Check the QEC sleep school in noble park website. They have some audio files that are interesting to listen to. I found them helpful. I don't do everything that way. But it helped.
Tired signs for my bub include
Red eyebrows (I learnt that one at mothers group!)
Starting to vocalize more and with a more forceful eh eh kind of sound
Her arms and legs get a bit flappy too.
Sometimes she looks so very we'd awake. But I know she's tired somehow. I never used to. But it gets easier to recognize.
It's hard work watching and listening to the cry and distress. I just wish she would sleep sometimes cause it feels awful.
Also they have times when the sleep might get worse for a while. Around four months for example. It can take a while. But it goes get better xox
Your bub is very young and very much needs you close to fall asleep. It's vital for secure attachment and bonding IMO. Checkout Evolutionary Parenting's webpage as well as Pinky McKay and Janet Lamsbury.
It can take a long time for babies/children to learn to fall asleep by themselves. My DS is ok at it - I can give him a feed, put him down drowsy, and he'll nod off with me patting his bum or rocking the hammock. But he's 13 months old.
My DD is 3.5 and tells me she doesn't know how to make herself go to sleep. So at night we do dinner, bath, movie/quiet playing, then brush teeth and off to bed where Daddy reads stories until she's asleep. It's kind of nice hearing her side of it. Once we were on the nursery and she was playing in the cot, I told her when DS is big enough he'll sleep there (until 2 nights ago he slept in my room). She looked at me with an expression of complete shock. So I told her that before she was in her big girl room, she slept in mummy and daddys room, then in this cot. She said "but babies don't like to sleep by themselves!"
So I just look at it from their side. They need a bit of help, and in the grand scheme of things it doesn't take long. Before I know it DS will go to sleep with stories, and one day we'll just kiss them both goodnight and they'll go to sleep by themselves.
Mate, it can take years. Pushing it can damage your bond, and a strong, secure attachment between you and your baby is the single most important thing for your child's development. In comparison, the way your baby sleeps doesn't matter at all.
Do you use a sling or baby carrier? If not, get a good one and wear him through the day, it's the easier way to cuddle and keep them close. Feed him to sleep, cuddle him, lie down next to him on the bed, whatever works best for him and is least effort for you. It will all change with time.
My DS did no sleep cues at all. Not as a baby, a toddler, or a child. He just doesn't do sleep.
Took 4 years before he went to sleep alone. He's almost 8 now and still struggles some nights, sometimes we still cosleep. He is one of the most loving and secure children I know, and has complete trust in me. It is more than worth it. I know it didn't completely help when I was surviving on 2hrs sleep a night, but tbh it was what got me through it.
I found evidence based parenting advice helpful, not anecdotal or downright bullying, so The Science of Parenting is still my go to book when I need reminding why love is more important than sleeping alone.
This...Put perfectly!:
I've got the very same book next to me CPPM! Lol!:
I'm wondering if you might be feeling the need for some time to yourself? Time to recharge and have a break from bubs perhaps?
We all need it. I find its essential otherwise I would be yelling and being a grumpy critical mumma and partner ALL the time.
Oh, and the best way to learn your baby's cues is to stay close, lots of skin to skin contact, cuddles, look him in the eyes, talk to him. It's like a dance you're both still learning the steps to. Keep him close, learn his language, and you'll get it. Often when you stay like this, baby just gets it, will sleep when they need to, in your arms, next to you in bed, in the sling, and you don't need to worry at all about 'getting him to sleep' because he will just do it with you there.
But why can't the fall asleep by themselves? I understand it's something they need to learn how to do, if you look at animals they don't have those problems, if we were to live in nature how is beneficial for us?:
What your daughter said really touched me! thanks for telling me that story, helps to keep fighting for my son even if it's hard and I'm dead tired.
If I put in the carrier when he is sleepy how will he learn to fall asleep on his own? are you sure it's a mater of time and age?:
Can I download the book for free? or do I need to buy it in the store?:
Yeah I need time for myself too, even if it's for one or two hours a day, something I'm straggling with. my husband works till 18:30pm and when he returns he needs to eat and do a few things of his own so I'm basically with him all day. how can we have time for ourselves when it's not always available?:
Actually animal babies (mammals) do feed to sleep and cuddle to sleep. If you separate a young baby from its mum they will scream (or squeak) for their mum. They get quite disressed. They need to smell and hear their mum and feel secure in order to fall asleep too. Once they reach a certain age they pretty much fall asleep anywhere with or without mum.
So it will get better, but it just takes time. At 3 months old it would be unnatural to fall asleep without anyone around.
Well, I'm fairly sure I won't be cuddling him to sleep on his wedding night. :) I come from a family where my sister would sleep with my mum even as a teenager when she needed it (ie not every night, or even most nights), so I do not see a problem with children needing their parents. Anecdotally, I cuddled my DS to sleep for over 2 years before I started to stop that, still had him in a carrier age 3 on occasion, and now he generally just goes to sleep. It's like how do you learn to read if your mum always reads the story to you? Or talk if you're talked to and you don't speak the language? The answer is you don't age 3 months, but you can just magically do it a few months/years later.:
It took many weeks. And at the start it did take a long time for her to get to sleep. Taking up to an hour sounds about right from what I remember in the early stages. it wasn't until my dd was about 5 months old that she started going to sleep without being rocked/patted. You have to be patient and persistent. My dd didn't show many tired signs and at 3 months they are very hard to pinpoint anyway. So I found a loose routine helped me understand her cries and what she needed. Self settling is not for everyone, in the early days my dd cried when i left the room at nap times. It was only for a minute or two, but to a new mum it seemed like an eternity. But after a few days she would grizzle for a few minutes and just fall asleep on her own. If your ds is screaming and looking quite distressed, he is probably not ready to self settle on his own. Please don't let him cry for hours on end if you choose this method as there seems to be a bit of confusion on the subject of 'self settling'. It is a gradual process, not overnight success.:
We are primates. Primate babies don't sleep alone. They are never alone. They are always in physical contact with their mothers or other parental figures. They don't have to 'learn' to go to sleep, they just sleep.
And yes, I absolutely positively promise you that when your baby is ready to sleep alone he will. You do not have to do a single thing to teach him this.
Let me ask you this: Are you teaching him to walk right now? What will happen if you don't start teaching him right now? What if you carry him around all the time, will he never learn to walk? No, of course not. When he's developmentally ready to walk, he will, regardless of you carrying him around or putting him in a pram now. It's the same thing with sleeping.
And every time you soothe your baby, hold him, cuddle him, whatever, you are teaching him to soothe himself. This is how they learn. Leaving them alone teaches them to give up asking for you help.
I don't really know the answer but I think in some way it probably relates to how much the human brain develops in the first 2 years. Their brains will never again expand at the same rate they are now, they are just learning so many new things about their world and how things work that when it comes to sleep in can be hard to reconcile all that new knowledge and just switch off for the day. BUZZING TOO MUCH TO SLEEP!!!!:
What you do find is that some babies are just more happy to sleep than others, and some are looking for more help to get to sleep that others. I have a DD1 (5yo) who wants you there close as possible until she drifts off and a DD2 (3yo) who gets over stimulated with people too close when she is trying to sleep and needs her own space. It is a bit of a lottery what kind of sleeper you get, but I think whatever prize you get in that lottery there is a lot to be said for accepting the hand you've been dealt and not expending lots of energy trying to change it.
From what you've described and your babies age, getting over tired may be a possibility. Tired signs can be tricky especially early on. Seriously every mother has missed tired signs at some stage and ended up with an overtired cranky mess that doesn't know what to do with themselves, it's just comes with the territory! Some babies are more clear with their tired signs than others so it takes longer to work the less obvious ones out - DD2 I'm talking about you ;)
I remember one piece of advice some one gave to me that I've always remembered is that that once they do the obvious tired signs (like yawning or getting agitated) it is already too late, you've missed the window. The less obvious signs are the ones that indicate the window of 'sleepy but not yet overtired and cranky' and the ones to look out for. These can be things like movements getting more jerky or eyes seeming to turn in more or wanting to stroke a particular surface/texture. It can be pretty cryptic or very subtle, maybe try googling tired signs and see what others have found and see if any ring a bell for you.
At any rate, I think 3 months is a pretty difficult time for you and him, it is still really early days and you are both learning so much about each other. I think at 3 months you are still in my 'do what ever you can to get through the day' grace period so cut yourself some slack! You are doing a good job, listen to your instinct and don't worry about what a baby 'should' be doing at x age.
I've once read somewhere that with controlled crying babies don't stop crying because they have learned to see self settle, but instead they have learnt that no one comes save them when they cry, so they just give up... If that is true that would be super sad and not something I want my child to think. I want her to know I'm always there for her. It makes her more secure and less unsettled.
A friend of mine (first time mum) recently went to a sleep school with her 4 month old. The biggest thing she learnt is that what she thought was her baby crying, was just grizzling and if she had left her to grizzle a couple of minutes rather than going in to her, she would have fallen asleep.
Holding, feeding, rocking and cuddling to sleep works for some people, and for others it doesn't. I guess you have to decide what you and your baby need and what you're comfortable with.
I know it's hard to see right now, but whichever road you decide to take it will get better. You're just exhausted right now. Even with my 2nd baby, where I knew I was going to get better, I had a few days where I worried about being able to have my evenings with my husband back.
What worked for me is having a routine. Both my boys have a routine, DS1 is 4 years old, he's in bed at 7 every night and we have no bedtime battles. DS2 is 1 and he goes to sleep at 6:30pm. They both wake between 7 and 7:30am.
So between 7pm and 7am my DH and I have time to ourselves and can relax!
I completely understand the exhaustion and feeling like you never get any time to yourself. DS was a shocking sleeper as a newborn and I felt like it was never going to get better and was constantly on the search for that magic answer. I had a hard time working out DS's tired sighs he would go from perfectly fine to overtired in a second. What worked for me was following a loose routine. I researched and found 3 month old babies usually could stay awake for 1.5 hrs at a time. So I followed this and made sure I started settling him before the 1.5 hour mark and it worked and he started going to sleep a lot easier and sleeping better. Sleep promotes sleep so once we had the day time naps sorted his night sleeps started getting a lot better. I had a blissful 4 months where he slept through the night then around 9 months it all changed and it's rare for him to sleep through the night now but I'm far more relaxed and just put him into bed with me once he wakes so we both get a decent amount of sleep. I do still rock to sleep he self settled for a while but started needing help again so I gave it to him. Every now and then I have moments of thinking he should be able to go to sleep on his own but I know it will come with time and as I tell myself he won't be a 20 year old still needing me to rock him to sleep. And plus I love the extra snuggles. The other day I was rocking him to sleep and as he was drifting off I was gazing at his beautiful face and smiled at him and he half opened his eyes and gave me a beautiful sleepy smile back before falling asleep. I'd much rather moments like that then listening to him scream. Hang in there I know it's tough at the moment but it will get better. As my child health nurse told me you can't spoil a baby that young so do whatever you need to do for you both to get the maximum amount of sleep possible.
I'm doing everything in my power to making fall asleep peacefully, the last two days at night he fell asleep without crying, one time in my hands and the other from a long ride home. About naps, he just doesn't sleep well in bed, I took him to sleep with me, he managed to sleep for an hour, he moved a lot, almost woke up a few time, after that I breastfed him and he fell asleep on me for two hours. besides that I'm using the carrier as well.:
I'd say see a pediatric osteopath to see if he's outa whack from being in utero. Makes a world of difference.
I agree with you completely!!!!!:
I wish my time will come too :):