Family Expectations & Pressure

Hey everyone – just a quick question:

Does any one else get a whole heap of family expectations and pressure placed on them?

My mum is great but my Dad and MIL seem to think that they know what is better for my DH & I. DH & I have been together since I was 16 (I am almost 21 now). We built a house together when I was 18 and we were married when I was 19 and we were fought against every step of the way in some shape or form. Now all we hear is – your too young for children you should… travel, act your age, set up your careers, broaden your horizons. Anything but have children??!? What the?

Just the other night I was telling MIL about a family friend who was pregnant and she said ‘At least I know you’re not going to do that!’ in this disapproving tone. My Dad is expecting us to wait at least 10 years??

And to make things worse we want to sell our house and now we are getting – don’t do that its such a great investment, do this, don’t do that. When do parents take a back seat and butt out? Not that I mind their opinions but their opinions/ideas etc aren’t always what my DH and I want.

Any one else?

me me me. LOL.

Mum didn't want to move out at the age of 20, and bailed up my best friend at the shops to get her to try and talk me out of it. my best friend mentioned it to me AFTER we were happily moved in ;)

Fell pregnant - MIL "You better have a boy to keep the family name Andrew is the last one after all" I was thinking like i can choose. She got her wish though twice over

Now my mum keeps trying to tell me to go for a third, but there is no way in hell. mostly because out of the three kids she has no grand-daughters. I was/am her last hope.

Love

Fortunatly my family were great when i had my DD. Sometimes i get a bit annoyed when my mum gives advice which i don't agree with my she thinks it's best etc. But that's what mums do. No matter what your age.

I'm 18 and had DD 3 months ago. I get funny looks from people because i look so young too (i look about 16yo). But someone once said to me, while i was still pg with DD, that it's better to have them young then when you're say 30-35, coz that's when you and the baby are at more of a rick of things etc and it's more tiring on your body.

I agree with that doe_like_beuaty!

Just sometimes I feel like I am going around in circles justifying every decision we make and explaining and apologising for the mistakes we make (as every young couple would). It's just so tiring.

I appreciate help but interefrence I don't.

My Dad has just made it all the more comfortable by basically saying he thinks I should leave my DH!!! How can my DH get over that one??

aarrghhhh... ](*,) ](*,) ](*,)

At least I know that it is not just me though it is scary to think that it won't end! Maybe I will just move far far away!!! I think the worst thing is that DH will stand up to his Mum when he is there and tell her to get lost but I find it difficult to stand up to any of them especially on subjects where DH & I are gray. I don't want to go out guns blazing on an issue when DH and I haven't discussed it thoroughly first - we'd come out looking like idiots! I am going to have to stand up for myself and it looks like I will when it comes to selling this house. Wish me luck...

And yes who said kids mean you can't travel, study, work or live for that matter!!! Did our parents lives end when they had us??? Children aren't the end; they are the beginning. Of course there will be changes but I am willing to have kids, and do what I want to later. If that is my decision that so be it!!!

I agree. It makes no difference whether you have kids first or not. You can still do everything you wanted to, maybe not straight away but it is certainly doable. We have our whole lives ahead of us. I don't mind being a young mum, i love it! I know what i want to do in life and i'm going to do it and no one is going to stop me. I want to become a photographer and one day have my own business taking photos of weddings, babies, families etc. I didn't get to do year 12, so I will enter uni as a mature aged student. I want to travel a bit and will do so with DP and DD when she's a bit older. But until then i'm just going to enjoy life as a mum. I couldn't ask for anything more!

I can totally understand where you ladies are coming from. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

I had my DD when I was 21 (but looked way younger) & from the time I was obviously pg until long after I had her, I copped crap from all sides. Complete strangers, so called friends, well-meaning but tactless family members, all told me I was too young & told me all the things I should be doing & what I was doing wrong.

Man, now I have a way thicker skin. Believe me, when you start having to defend yourself & the way you raise your child, you will get tougher. I learnt the hard way to tell people, "thanks, but I'm doing it my way". Or else ignore it completely.

My DD is now 10 & a lot of people tell me what a great job I have done. Which I have. I still get the odd 'helpful' comment but take it with a grain of salt. And I have a huge amount of pride that I raised her using my own judgement & values.

One day hopefully the people in your lives will respect the great effort you ladies have made to raise wonderful kids & the joy you find in being a mother. If they don't at least you will know in your heart that you've done a damn fine job. Maybe they will recognise that you don't need their advice every step of the way & only give it when you ask for it?!

I guess i was very lucky, my xil's live in germany and my parents live in Canberra, I lived in QLD when the kiddies were born, so I did not have much interference from either of them.
When i spoke to them I told them what they needed to know, and they could advice all they wanted living so far away and not visiting often was a bonus. I get on well with both my xil's and my mum, but it was just so much easier not having them butt in and tell me how to live my life and bring up my kids. :)

You poor thing Natalea... sounds like your Dad and MIL are just so frustrating!!! ](*,)

I have been pretty lucky I guess... my parents have learnt to leave me alone, as I was quite a wild teenager and left home at 15, so when I fell pg at 20 (in 2003), they were nothing but supportive, as they had learnt not to judge me or critiscise me by then.
My MIL is a bit worse, but whenever she says something we don't agree with, we just nod and smile, then ignore it... I have learnt that there is no point arguring with her, and she even disowned DP once because we didn't agree with what she thought!! (ouch!!)

Having said that, it would be great if you could just tell them straight up to leave you alone, and let you live life the way YOU want to. What is the point of it afterall if no one lets you do things, and learn things on your own? While they think they know best, they are being pretty selfish and inconsiderate by not realising that it is each person to their own... that is the whole point of being an adult - getting to make your own decisions, and then being responsible for the outcome, whether good or bad. How else are we supposes to learn??

Do you think maybe you can make a stand, and tell them that they need to respect you and your DH as adults? Maybe if they start showing some respect to you guys, then you guys can give them some back by letting them know you respect their opinions... not that that means you necessarily agree with them!!

Goodluck with it all Natalea... I hope they butt out of everything soon... :crossfingers:

Lotsa hugs for you Natalea :hug:

When I told my Dad that I was pregnant he told me he was disappointed in me. I felt so low at that moment. I was planning on doing the travel thing, and i think he felt disappointed that I wasn't going to do it at that point in my life. I found out I was pregnant a few months before i turned 21.
I found out a couple of years ago that my in-laws were happy for us to our face, but when our backs were turned they were telling everyone that we had ruined our lives and how where we ever going to survive!!
At the end of the day I did what I wanted and eventually they all accepted it.

I sometimes think that I should put off TTC #2 and start travelling. But then i remember watching Getaway and Sorrel Wilbey with her little ones, taking them to the snow and hiking. I think if she can do it, so can I.

Nic

Thanks guys!!

Had a chat with DH and he let me know that I have no backbone!! He said that I need to stand up for myself (or us) when it comes to my family as doesn't think it is his place - which is fair enough. According to DH I am trying to please too many people when I should be just worried about us! Who knew I had such a sensible DH on my hands!!!

I am sure everything will be fine. Saw Dad on the weekend and it wasn't too bad. He still dropped comments but we could ignore those ones. I was just really frustrated on Friday as if we were in our late twenties then everyone would be saying have kids!! But because we in our early twenties they are trying to find every excuse for us not to. And I can't really wait to long any way as early menopause runs in our family (35 years - 45 years) and I'd rather not take the chance!

Once again thanks!

I can totally relate to your posts

at the age of 25, I am battling to come to terms with the fact that it is time to "grow up' and do whats right for my DH and my self.

I too am under pressure from my family not to have children, being the first child from my family to go to uni and establish a career as nurse. My parents have made it quite clear that they feel i would be risking so much if I was To TTC now. They feel I am to young and that I have a whole life ahead of me.

I feel that family is more important that anything in the world, and that I would be quite able to find/ continue employment when or If I decided to return to work If I was to have a baby.

All in all we want this more than anything in the world. I guess it's time to show my family that we are 'old enough' to make our own decisons in our life

goodluck on your ttc journey's

Kirst

Some parents/IL's just don't know their place. I found that I had to change from being a timid listen to everybody girl, to a stand up for myself and my dd "mum".

Especially to my MIL, who was all down on me and DH when we were pg with no.1 at age 19, but then tried to force her way into the birth. She too said really horrible things behing my back, but I am over it. We still live in the same town as both of our parents, and I have toyed with the idea of moving away, but can't think where I would want to live other than here.

Plus I want my 4 kids to have grandparents as an important part of their lives. And both our parents are youngish , 50 to 55 yrs old, and so are really able to enjoy the kids.

You really do have to toughen up I guess, and not let things get to you. At least you can come on here and vent your frustrations LOL, it may help!

Cheers Michelle

Natalea

I have the opposite pressure- we have been married for all of five months and the in laws were putting pressure on us to have children - unknown to them we were TTC and have fertility issues. They were laying it on really thick that i lost my temper and told them theat we were having fertility issues and that we will give them more (have a grandaughter from BIL - who is separated from his wife so no more fromthat direction in the forseeable future) grandchildren when it happens. Not the best way to deal with it - but at least it worked - no more mention of babies in my hearing.

I tell ya girls - you just cant satisfy everyone. Simple as that!

I am getting the encouragement from in-laws to have bubs, and also from my friends and brother. I havent got any parents, but my grandparents are somedays telling us to wait and dont rush into having children and then other days telling me to hurry up already, because they aren't getting any younger!

You cant win with other people's opinions. You just have to satisfy two people - you and your partner.


Keen

Good Call Keen - It is just about you and your man (or woman) - everyone else just has to deal with it. People just do not realise sometimes and can be so insensitive without knowing it - but that is a whole other topic....

Ha! Tell me about it, AJ.



Keen

Thanks guys - it has been great to know that other people feel the same -whether they are younger or not and that people also get the opposite pressure ie pressure to have children.

My DH & I are feeling alot more confident in our choices lately and even though we are now waiting till March next year to start trying when the time comes to tell people I will not be defensive of our decision.

Belly Belly has helped alot in this regard. Just chatting with other people has reinforced the fact that it is our life and our choices and only we have to be happy with them.

Once again thanks for your responses!!

I will jump in here too, I was 21 when we got married and we fell pregnant a few months later and ever since then I feel like we have been judged from DH's family for not having a house or having ourselves set up etc etc etc My family have been great and extremely supportive from the begining ( after having a really rocky relationship before that)once Elijah was born we had alot of advice thrown our way but I have become good over the years at ignoring it anyway and just doing things my way so it became the same with parenting/ family planning, so now my mum doesnt really offer too much advice but is for the most part supportive of our parenting choices and even when I am feeling down about it she will find a way to make it seem ok. I suppose she can completely understand as she had me at just turned 17 and truly never really got to raise me.
Dh's family are still extremely judemental from me still breastfeeding Elijah to not returning to work, wait til they hear what I am studying and why!

I used to let it really get to me but now I think I have grown in that I don't let it bother me and ignore them or come back with comments that I know will irk them more then they have annoyed me. With the parenting things they think we are strange as we don't do what they do(BIL had a baby 2 months before us) but when comments have been made about it we just turn and say how we think they are weird because of things like cc etc but we just keep our mouths shut as it isnt our business. it has also helped that DH has become alot more comfortable with our parenting and life choices so he will now not compare us to them or tell them this is how it is and that is it.

I just can't wait to tell them that we will homebirth the next baby whenever that will be... hahahaha

I think regardless of your age yes your more septical to have the wait for baby pressure when your young but you also get the opposite when hitting your late 20's but the biggest thing I have had to realise is that it is about me and DH now well and of course Elijah now too but it is about OUR family unit and not the rest their opinions dont matter and if they care for us they will just deal with their insecurities on whatever the subject is.

hi :D

Don't listen to anyone, its up t you and DH.

I really can relate to you, DH and I have been together for 4 years, got married 4/9/04 and have been ttc ever since. Nobody else knows we are ttc, so that we don't get any extra pressure put on us. My mum is the same as your dad, 'have a life first' 'have a career' 'travel', We are so ready to start a family, we bought a house last month are [-o< for a baby very soon.

As long as you are true to yourself everything will be okay, once your baby is born your family won't care about age they will just adore your bub. O:)

I know it can be very stressful dealing with other peoples comments, especially if you are close to them, but try not to let anyone stress you out.

If it wasn't for the gorgeous girls at BB I don't know what I'd be like, probably have a mental breakdown!
:lovebb:

love elissa
:smt057 Me21 DH28
:angel: 4/9/02

Hi guys i am going to jump back in here -

Bloody IL's!!!!!!

Can't they count!!! I was open with them at easter about starting my AF and hence clomid cycle as we were all living inthe same house and i am moody at the best of times and as it is a side effect of clomid i thought i would give them fair warning - three weeks later they are asking well how did it go any news yet!!!! Give me a chance!!!!

Sorry i know that this probably is not the thread but since we've been talking about IL's....

It never stop's, doesn't matter how old or young you are...

My parents always have commenys on things & we just tell them yeah, yeah, Thanks! They smile & know we don't care for their opinions...

I guess I am like Ambah, they learnt long ago, not to tell me how to live!
But it will not stop as they always think they know better, Funny thing is DH & I now say stuff in Indo & they go, OK we get it you don't wanna hear it! We just laugh!

I had DD when I was 25, I married DH when I was 29, but they still have opinions, I know my Aunty who's just turned 40 always get's told off etc from her Dad, it's quite funny... But the funnier bit is that both my parents have lost their Mum's (that's not funny), but that their Dads always tell them how to do stuff still & when they complain to us about it we laugh & say really, so we have another 30+ years of your B/S! They then luagh 7 realise it wont ever stop!!! But we can tell them to shut up!

i guess parents will always be our parents - and we wil more than likely be just as bad when its our turn!!!!

So true. I mean I cant wait to be a mum & I bet I will be just as excited to be a nanna!


Keen

yes being a granparent seems to mean you can dso anything you want regardless of the consequences - or it does with my parents!!! i think that there will have to be some boundaries put in place when its my turn to aloow the grandparents visitation rights!!!

I feel for you! My dad is very the same thinks my dh are too young (25/26 respectively) but it's just ridiculous! I moved out when I was 16 and got married at 22 - bugger him! He also believes my medical condition preventing me getting pregnant is a joke and we don't really need ivf we just need a holiday and to relax... So. Hard. To. Refrain. From. ---- Him.

Oh and they are only pushing that on you cos they feel too young to be a grandparent and that's just selfish! Screw waiting till after 30! Do you know how much fertility declines then and is harder to get pregnant naturally?! Oh I do feel for you!

Wow just realised this is a reeeeaaalllly old post lol