Too Young?

Hey all,
Do you all get discriminated for being a mother or if you want to be one at a young age?
I am 19 and i am trying to conceive. I absolutely hate it when people (mostly older) try and tell you to have a life first, to have a career and all that. I have always imagined my life with kids at a young age, and i believe, for me, that having kids make your life a whole lot more meaningful. That is my perspective.
I am not against older mums or adults that choose not to have kids, but i think that it is a personal decision. I just hate it when people think that you are silly to be having kids at a young age.
How does everybody else feel?

Kim [-X

When i'm out with my 3mo DD, I don't get the comments, but mostly looks. I'm 18 but I look around 16-17.

Don't worry about what other people say/think, it's your choice and if you and DF think you are ready, then go for it!

I hate the fact people discriminate young mothers. It really gets me mad. I mean 50 years ago it was the thing to do - have kids young, like 16! But now, people seem to waiting a whole lot longer, til their mid 30's. Now for some, i understand it's not their choice - infertility etc. But when people gives dirty looks or make bad comments, I just think, 'why?' What is so wrong with it? Better have them young than when your older and are at more risk of things!

Hi Kimm,

I wouldn't worry about what other people think. It is your life and if you feel ready to start a family, then go for it.

I am 22 and my DH is almost 30. We are TTC#1. I guess it may be a little different for us because DH is older, but I am still not going to care about what people think. It is our life and we are ready for a child. It's as simple as that.

I have been a nanny up until now (currently not working) and I just can't wait to have my own. I was like you and always wanted children. I have never been the career type, and I certainly don't think that there is anything wrong with that.

Plus, you have more energy when you are young, so I think it is much easier to keep up with the little ones (mind you I do know some 35+ year olds that have more energy then me). Anyway, that's another reason why DH and I want them now. DH is turning 30 and he does not want to be too old for his first.

The best advice I can give you is to just ignore others and do what you think is right. After all it is YOUR life!

Nadine.

Hi Kimm,

as an "older" person here, I would say that as long as you and DF feel you are ready go for it.
If you have your kids when you are young, there is still plenty of time for a career.
There are plenty of people who wait, have their career and have been married for ages before they have kids, and find that things can still go wrong in their relationship etc. Or that maybe they left it a bit to late with TTC.
Only you know whether or not you are ready to have a child, so only you can make that decision.

Kim,
Just to let you know, I had Aidyn when I was still 20, and I really can't recall getting any bad comments or looks. Maybe I look/appear older than my age though... but it shouldnt matter at all really!
I totally agree that having children makes your life more meaningful... I would never have given up having Aidyn for a career instead... there is just no comparison!

Hi Kimm, I think I've seen you around before.!!

It can be hard when people don't tell you what you want to hear, so don't tell them. Just do what you are going to do anyway.

There are plenty of mums that have had babies "young" (whatever that is) but lots will tell you I can be harder for all sorts of reasons.
If you are looking to be judged by others - no matter what your life choices are - you will be. Don't kick me for this one girls - but when you are young you DO give a rats about what people think. I was worried people would judge me badly if DD had a tanty in public, now I don't care.

If you want to have a bub now -do it, but don't waste your time or energy giving a crap about what others think or say. It is your mothering skills that matter, not your age.

hey kimm,
i had my first baby 2 weeks before i turned 19, iam now 22 and i get strange looks because im pregnant with number 2.. i look really young aswell.. and everyone automatically assumes this is my first and it annoys me

i wouldnt care what other people say or think id say do waht you guys feel is right
im here if u wanan chat any time

Lesley

Arghh..... :mad:

I know exactly how you feel!! I was 19 when I married and I was ready to start a family then. Fastforward a year and now DH is ready too! Which was great until I got a new job so once again TTC has been put off till at least end of this year/early next year.

I hate people who look at age and automatically say you are too young. Maturity isnt dependent on age at all! I have all my family etc telling me not to have kids!

I guess no one knows what is right for you but you. I find it really hard as well because I don't want to tell any one about TTC #1 when it happens because I just can't deal with the lectures and other crap!

Hi girls

I am 20 now, and i really want to start TTC. DF says no and that he isnt ready, which i respect because its not something you should do before youre ready. I have wanted to have a child for about 18 months now and cant wait to start. DF says he wants to as well, but always says "after we're married" or "in a few years". Cant wait until the day that he says yes!! (am i lame??) I would love to have a child in the next 12 - 18 months.
I dont think that i am too young, but other people seem to. I get the "you should have a life and build a career first" thing from others, but personally i think that raising a family is so much more important than having a career and earning heaps of money, and i think it would be more rewarding too.

Karina

Karina - hi

I am 24 now and we are TTC - i would have started years ago if not for DH. He wanted to be married, finacially stable, ready... etc. All the excuses under the sun - but thinking about it you do both have to be ready - nothing can destroy a relationship faster than that sort of pressure.The biggest problem is is that its not something you can exactly compromise with. We finally came to an agreed decision after the wedding and when it actually came to doing "it" the first time without protection - i was the one who got nervous!!! LOL!!!

When you are both ready go for it - try not to listen to what everyone else has to say.

Hi :D

Don't give a crap what anybody else thinks!! Its only about how you and DF feel. If you feel you are ready to start a family and you have a fantastically strong and loving relatuionship, then go for it.

I am 21 and am ttc, DH and I married 4/9/04
and have been ttc ever since. 2.5 years ago we had an unplanned pregnancy which resulted in a m/c, I wanted to try again straight away, but DH wanted to wait, I hate DH for this decision for a while, but now in hindsight i am so glad we have waited. Our relationship is just so much stronger and we have grown so much together, now we feel like we could get through anything together.

I think it would have been very selfish of me to bring a baby into the world at 19 because Dh and I had only been together 18 mths and weren't really quite mature enough or ready to be totally selfless for the rest of our lives.

I don't think age should come into anything, if you are ready, do what your heart desires.

As for older people frowning down on you and telling you to 'have a life first' or 'get a career', thats b*$$sh#$! A life can't get much more beautiful than raising your own children, and I'm have no idea what career I want yet, also i want to have the health and energy to run around and play with my children.

Our best friends are 38 and they have only just had their first baby 6 mths ago and are alredy having to try for no 2 as they are running out of time, watching them go through what they have just really makes me think that younger is better, as long as you are ready.

I see that you are already pregnant, you clever show off =D> ! I wish all the best in life and please disregard any negative comments and be true to yourself

love elissa
:smt057 Me21 DH28
:angel: 4/9/02

I have to agree. I had Ashlea when i was 20. She is now 3 and a half and i am 24.

By the end of this year I will have finished my study and be a quaified massage therapist. I had no intentions of studying again and was happily working in child care until I had Ashlea. She was my motivation to study and find a career that will get me somewhere, where as childcare only has so far up the ladder you can advance. I can now see myself working for myself, making real money, (not cheap and nasty child care rates) being able to raise Ashlea and be where I want to be well before i'm 30.

This year has been the hardest year ever i think, trying to juggle study, the single mum thing, 3 year old kinder, day care and not being able to work cause im studying so having NO money whatsoever, but at least when i'm where I want to be i'll hardly remember how hard it is not.
Not only will I have my career, but I have my little girl too.

Having Ashlea when i was 20 changed my life in the hugest way, but i would hate to think where i would be and what i would be doing if it wasn't for her. She gave my life meaning, and she is my everything. Before i was just going out, drinking too much, wasting money and working. Now i see a place I want to be and am slowly but steadily getting there.

Hi ladies, Im currently 23 and DF is 20 there was no problem on my side of the family when i fell pregnant (by accident but a happy one) because my mum was 19 when my sister was born and my dad was 18 they wernt married either and in those days that just didnt happen especially to a good catholic girl. so they copped all the crap that unfortunately we still cop today. But DFs family on the other hand was a different story. Instantly he started copping all the `your too young what are you doing keeping the baby` and the ` you do realise now you have to marry her are you sure this is really what you want` I was very offended by the way they were looking down on us (mostly me) it was like i did it deliberately just to keep him or something. We had decided in a year or 2 we would start trying and that probably would have been medically assisted because im not supposed to be able to have any kids (how wrong was my gyno!) but we were blessed earlier then planned and so be it we are incredibly happy. I do agree that it is personal choice and from a very young age i could only see myself as a mum. i remember my teacher asking me what i wanted to be when i grew up and i said `a mummy` The thing is majority of women who will look down on a young mum is one who was a young mum themselves and yes they may have sacrificed a lot of things for thier child but if you ask them would they have waited they will usually tell you No they are happy with the life they had. I personally think its hypocritical for people to judge a young mother or an unplanned pregnancy. A baby is the greatest gift in the world it truely is.
Have a great day
Mel :D

Hi Im 21 and TTC at the moment, I haent had any problems as yet my mum is happy but thinks its strange I didnt fall earlier as she was PG wit me at 19 and had an abortion at 17 (she wanted the baby but the boyfriend didnt) so yeah. The only thing i worry bout is DH's brothers they are so business orientated and always joke bout us getting PG first which we will but it hurts when they do cause I know Dh is very sensative and RELLY wants to b PG but they always say stuff to try to pursuade him... I also look about 14 so I think Im worried bout how that is gonna o down with all the looks and stuff... but I spose i dont care that much just wanted to come in here and chat wit all the gils who are young so I feel more comfortable...

Hi Sweety,

Dont worry its there hang-up not yours if you feel you are ready then You are I guess, I had my first two when i was really young and am now pregnant with my 3rd that we had a little difficulty with (my problem) Im glad that I did it early I have tonnes of patience and am happy in general!!!

The biggest giggle so far for both me and my mum is when we are out people comment (im 26!) Wow you dont know what you are in for and things of that nature and I laugh and say well no Im quite seasoned now my other 2 are at school!!! They generally go OH OKAY or something similar and walk off or go well I guess you know what its about!!!LOL

They dont think im too young anymore and most think its my first pregnancy LOL People just dont think and judge unfairly.

Mostly older women who themselves had children early so I guess If you feel strong enough then it wont worry you what others have to say

Good for you

Lindie

Hey im 19 with a 4month old daughter,sometimes(well actually alot) get stares from the older generation.It really f**ks me off,just because im a young mum it dont mean that im not a good mum.My daughter comes first on everything,shes the best. :D

Hey Girls,
I am 20 and DH is 22.

We got married earlier this year and have been ttc for just over 12 months now.

I consider myself to be a fairly mature person as well as DH and we want nothing more than a young family.

As a child I dreamt of having a very young family and being able to grow up with my kids...also the idea of being 40 and most of my kids teenagers really thrills me.

I am coping a lot of negative feedback from family in friends in relation to travel first, enjoy your life first, spend time together first.....etc etc.

It not only frustrates me but it isnt any one elses business and it hurts. Why cant we want what we want? After all it is our own lives that we live.

Good luck to all of you ou there in all of your endeavours.

Danni

I must say that when I was pregnant with my son I was 21 and had only been with my now husband for about 4 months so there were tounges wagging everywhere and people trying to make us get married all that sort of thing,

and during the ante-natel classes I felt very out of place as we were the youngest by far and when we had to have group activities other couples didn't take us seriously and that made me sad.

I am so glad that I had my son when I did and at the age that I did and that I had my daughter when I was 24 but know that my husband and I are wanting to have a third child it has brought about many new opinions,

People are saying that we should stop at 2 and not to be silly and have 3, to think about the financial strain as they grow, I do not want to make such an important decision based on future finances I love my children and my husband and my life I wouldn't change it,

I value others opinions and understand where they are coming from but what it comes down to is that it is your life and your decission I never really had many aspirations for a career so I agree with Shannon that it made it easier to stay at home,

and we have had some really tough times with finances and with in our relationship but we got through it and I am so proud of what we have achieved and now we are stronger than ever,

I think if you have children young and thats what you want to do you should go for it, what is so wrong with women choosing to have kids young and making that their life afterall careers are not everthing our kids are. and on the other hand if you choose a career then again it is your choice,

this is about choices and having the right not to be judged :D

DITO! although I just think children are pricless!!!!
Im 21 and only just found ou t Im PG with our first and me and DH are over the moon, we have had few dirty remarks but at the end of the day BLood is thicker than water and if your friends say things like "u should have kids" then STuff them!

its your choice your life and when u get married you are suppose to think and fend for yourselves!!! be strong and DO WHAT U WANT TO I SAY!

Hey Leah,

How old were you when you got married? I was 3 weeks off turning 20.

How did others cope with you getting married so young?

I feel exactly the same way...we have taken a huge step to become husband and wife and we are so happy together that we cannot wait to start a family.

Why do other people have to be so cruel and worry too much about other peoples lives?

I understand exactly how you feel. I was 19 when I first married and so many people disapproved and didn't want my DH and I to have children. In the end my DH & I split (without having children first) and so many of those people said I told you so. But it was the people that were supportive of me throughout the entire time that mattered. In the end it is only those people that are true friends.

My current DP is 8 years old then me and I'm 21. I haven't really started to show yet but it'll be interesting to see people's reactions. Those who know me realise that I'm quite mature for my age and their reactions haven't been based on 'you're too yong' or anything like that which has been good. Except for my father who told me I was $tupid amoung other things and that he would take me to get an abortion etc etc. He wasn't happy and still isn't but life isn't about pleasing others. it's about doing what's right for you and being a strong enough person to withstand the backlash should it occur.

I got married last october and i had just turned 20 in April. me and DH have known each other since we were 14 but only started to go out when I was 16. SO many people said we would grow apart but we have only drwn closer. we are christians so we take marriage seriously, not that anyone else doesnt, but as a part of the weeding cerimony the father gives the daughter away doesnt he???? once u are married you become 1 not u, dh and ur parents!!!

some parents have trouble trying to let go of their children, maybe it might be an idea for u to pack up and move interstate then they will WANT to know eveything about uu and they undersatnd that your a big girl now not daddies little girl.

unfortunatley this does tke time as my mum and Dh's mum step out of line and interfer i think u just need to stand up for yourselves and tell them what YOU want and tht im sure you will find that once they see your heart through it all they will understand..... If not???

STUFF EM! :soapbox: sorry to rant i hope this helps u danielle. if you wanna email me to talk go ahead im all ears!

Hi Natalea,
Congratulations you sound happy and you should be this is something you have wanted.

I know it is hard sometimes not to let what our parents say affect us but there comes a time when we all have to say enough and make our own choices I realy feel for you and hope things only get better but for now try to be happy and try not to let them get you down,

when I fell pg with my ds I was treated like dirt by my dh's family and it was hard and made my pregnancy terrible I was stressed and sick every day,

and now my son is 4 and finaly they are starting to accept me, but now my dh and I want a third child and boy does she ( his mum ) have a problem with that,

but you know what, oh well, its her problem and the way I see it is that they are not having to raise the child or support them so they have no right to have an opinion.

you go girl and be happy enjoy this you deserve that much.

xxxx :flower:

Thanks so much Amym. It has taken me a long time to be able to face my parents and others without backing down on what I believe in. the best thing is that my family (excluding my father and step mother) are accepting of my decisions now which is good. And I'm extremely happy about being pregnant!

And I think I'm hearing you with the MIL business. I've yet to meet DP's mother and i don't think I will be. DP had recently come out of long term relationship and his parents still want DP back with his ex... makes things difficult. Even DP is not speaking to them currently! But I've been labelled everything under the sun especially because of my age - she has even said she won't accept our child as her grandchild... that was after she questioned the paternity lol! All in good faith though - my own mother has more then enough Nana-love to share so my little one won't miss out regardless. it would be nice if things were different but there's no point in stressing over it for the time being - maybe eventually it'll work itself out?? How did you deal with it all when you were pregnant?

Hi Natalea,
Its funny cause I was in a very similar situation, My dh was in a long term relationship and had a child with this person so of course they were a big part of dh's family and when they were no longer around his mother resented him big time for that,

when I came on to the scene she was ok to me as dh's relationship had ended aprox 1-2 yrs earlier but she deffinately wanted them back together as she had photos of them together all through her house and allways chatted about his ex it was not very nice,

I think the best thing I did was rely on my family for the support I needed and forgot about them as far as being happy for us went cause that was not going to happen and now that I am a little older I see that that was the best thing to do, because if I had have fought with her then I would have been the bad one too but I didn't so she is the one who has wronged me and they can't say anything about me not being nice to them, and that feels good.

It has taken almost 5 years for her to finaly start to accept me and start trying to be a part of our family and for her to start accepting my children, she was allways nice to them and cuddled them but the thing that hurt the most was how differently she treated our kids in comparrison to dh's child from his previouse relationship that was the hardest thing to deal with and thankgod thats come to an end.

I think that in the end if you just let them be, they will realise what they are missing out on and in the mean time as you said your mum has enough nanna love for your child and that's exactly how I felt and it is true, and if they do not ever come around then that is sad but you do not want those negative influences in your life.

Enjoy your pregnancy it was obviously meant to be as was mine and try not to let it get you down ( its hard I know ) in a perfect world everyone would be happy for us but unfortunately that is just not so, so we have to be happy for ourselves.

My dh and I want a third child and I have struggled to be happy about our decission because of his mum but I have decided that its not her life its ours and she has no right to an opinion in regards to this so stuff her its what we want and I am happy about our choice to have 3 children.

I think its great that you are finaly getting what you have wanted and I am happy for you and your dp.

Hi Amym :D

Thanks so much for your post (I know we're going slightly off topic guys but thanks!!). It really means alot to know that other people have gone through or are going through similar situations. I guess when I was married having children was something that had everything being so certain. We would have kids, I would stay home, everyone would LOVE our children to death and there were no uncertainties or what ifs.

Being pregnant is great and I can't wait to have little bubs in my arms but it's hard dealing with the rest of it and tiring as well especially when I know it's a long term thing that is going to take a long time to deal with. And it's hard finding the right people to speak with as well!!

Lol I think I'm just babbling now - had a bit of a rough weekend. I think the worst part at the moment is DP's ex is still kind of attached to him and has started playing little games (at least in my mind she has) and DP feels so guilty because he is the one that ended it that he can't see through it. Or maybe I'm just being way too harsh and I should stop being so quick to judge. Arghh!!! Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad ](*,) ](*,) ](*,)

Once again thanks so much!!!

AAARGHHH You must feel like screaming you poor thing as hard as it is ( and I know its hard I have been there too with all the crap that an ex brings in to the pic ) try to relax and enjoy and you can allways vent here it helps heaps to get it out.

good luck I hope everything gets better and you have a happy and healthy PG which is most important.

look after yourself :)

Thanks Amy. I've made my choice and I want to be with him so I guess it's just sorting through all of the crap that comes with it and as hard as that is the good times are really, really good and mostly all of the time. The bad I guess just hits me hard - especially seeing as I am pregnant I guess that I am more emotional lol.

And yes I see alot more future venting!! :D