Who did you have present at the birth?

Hi everyone, I really need a bit of advice here please. Originally I was only going to have DH present at the birth (it's our first baby btw) but have recently been inundated with requests from family friends, sisters in law and my own mother who would like to witness the whole show.
A couple of years ago I would not have hesitated to have my mother attend but unfortunately our relationship is not what it used to be and I must say I was rather surprised when she told me she expected to be involved.
I guess my question is, should I consider having some/all of these people in the room or is it best to just be on our own? And if you have told someone they can't attend, did they take it well or did they sulk?!
All opinions welcome, thanks.

Hiya..I must admit Im the same so only DH has been with me. I couldnt stand the thought of anyone else being in there. For us it was such an intimate thing and I know theres doctors and midwives as well but we like the idea of the two of us presenting our lil bundle to the family ya know. Having said that, I have friends and family who have had mothers, mil, sisters and friends be in there as support people and its worked for them. I think you really have to think about what you would like...it is your big day.

Jo

I only had my husband and my mother with me. My step dad was in there when I was going thru the heavy contractions but he couldn't stand to see me in pain (not that he was staying there for the whole birth anyway but he was going to hang around for a while). He lasted 30mins then went home

Love

Both my mum & MIL wanted to be here for the birth but there is no way I was going to let that happen (I'm not all that close with my mum and I would just feel too awkward with her there... having MIL there would be 10 times worse LOL). Luckily they live interstate so it's been easy enough to convince them to wait until after bubs is born (can't tell the exact day he's going to arrive so they might be too early or late etc). I feel that it's going to be a really special time for DH & I and we want it to be just us for a while as it's the start of our family.

In the end it's your decision and if you're not comfortable having all those people there then it'd best if you just tell them. You're going to have enough to deal with during labour & birth without worrying about half a dozen other people in the room. IMO I think that you need to be comfortable with the people you have there and they need to be able to support you and not just be a spectator and getting in the way IYKWIM?

Good luck with it!

So much of it depends on your relationship with the people involved. The main thing to keep in mind, as the other women have said, that you should choose to do what YOU are comfortable with, not what other people want. This isn't a public show we are talking about, it is the birth of your first child. Nobody has a 'right' to be there unless you want them there.
If you think it will be supportive to have your family there, go for it. Personally I couldn't imagine anything worse, with my other labours I ended up screaming in pain for part of it, and I really didn't want anyone else around for that part. My SIL was there for the second child, and I have always regretted it - I think it put her off having children!

Kerrie

I had shane there for the whole thing, and Mum there for most of it. She averted her eyes when they were doing internals, but quite honestly I was in that much pain, and there were that many people around, I didn't give a rats bum.

She left in the end because the dr was trying to turn Jenna with her hands (posterior baby) and it was getting really icky, and also they were prepping me for theatre.

Didn't regret having Mum there for a second - it turned out to be a special experience, and she was a great support person. But I will admit, it was unexpected, and had it been a normal birth I'm not sure I would have had her there for so much of it. But its all still pretty hazy for me!

Fi

Apart from the 57 nurses and doctors and other hospital personel, I just had my partner. Mum and my sister were waiting upstairs and Nick took Caitlin up while I was in recovery.

No one said anything about wanting to be in there if I had a normal delivery and I would not have liked it anyway. I was happy it was the three of us right from the start and it will be that way the second time round this year.

Barb.

I only had Rob, the midwife and later on my OB in the room. I didn't feel comfortable having anyone else in there. One of my friends wanted to come in but I just told her no.

It is personal choice and it's totally up to you and no one else. If you don't want them in there, just tell them I am sure they will understand.

Good luck.

I had Aaron & my mum for the whole time & dad for some of the early part - not hat I wanted him there, but that's a different story!

I didn't notice Aaron leave the 2 times that he did (I was out of it on pethadine at the time), but he said that if mum wasn't there he wouldn't have left me on my own.

Thankyou all for your stories and opinions. I feel a lot better about saying no to several people now! I asked DH what he thought and he was completely lovely about it and said that it was entirely up to me, but he did say that someone else there would take some of the pressure off him. Would it be worth having someone else there for his sake?

I'm so glad to read that people have straight out said no to people who wanted to be present but were unwanted. :) I'm starting to stress a bit because my partners mum is very, well, not intrusive, but, well, I think you know what I mean, and from the start I've said that I didn't want her there and it seemed she understood but I'm afraid that when it comes to the time suddenly that understanding is going to go out the window and she'll be there. 8-[

My partner and my Mum are coming, provided they don't both pass out since partner has only seen one pregnancy video and I am an only child born by ceasar. I'm happy with those two and hopefully I wont have to get mean with partner's mum. :)

DH & I talked about this quite early on.... this is my first but my mum has been dropping hints about a 'dream come true, being present at her grandchildren's birth' for about 5 years now :)

My sister had her present for both her births & said she was amazing, but then, my sister doesn't have a supportive partner & I do.

In the end I politely & respectfully said that it was something I just wanted to share with DH..... my MIL has taken it a step further & informed us that she will sit in her car in the parking lot, if need be, but will ABSOLUTELY BE THERE! (Insert theatrics here) She is quite overbearing & craves attention in every situation so it has forced DH & I to agree that we aren't even phoning anyone until after the birth.

I dont feel selfish admitting that I want him to be 100% with me & that wont be possible if he has to spend most of the time placating his mother in the waiting room. It is a shame that people have to put thier 'stuff' on you but, at the end of the day, you aren't responsible for anyone else in this situation but you, DH & your beautiful baby.

At DS's birth, it was just me and DH and a thearte full of people! lol! But during labour, it was just DH and I and my 2 lovely midwives. My MIL had 'popped' in eariler without warning but I got DH to get rid of her as she was no help.

There is a great article on the main BellyBelly site which might help you - HERE about the doula revolution. Basically she is a birth attendent that can help with the extra support you feel that you and DH might need.

At my anti natal class, the midwife said that they recommend having at least 2 support people there so they can support you but also each other. We can't forget that it is quite hard and emotional for most DH's. (or other support partners)

I was menat to be attending my sister for both of her births - the first was elctive c/s due to breh then the second emergency c/s - co never got to be there - i kinda wanted to but not... And now she is a childbirth educator - teaches ante natal classes and has pretty much assumed she will be there - but i am not sure that i want her to be there - i may chnage my mind if and when i am actually pg - but yeah...Its bad enough that mil and mother and step mum and granny all wanted to come to scans- i couldn't believe they would come out and ask like that - its sucha personal thing if i wanted them there i would ask... anyway is a moot point here for a while...Hope that things go well for you...

I was adamant that it was only going to be DH. I made that quiet clear to both familys that that was MY choice.
We also decided not to let anyone know that i was going into labour. Have to say it was the best decision ive made. There was no one waiting for hours in the waiting room so all we had to concerntrate on was each other.

I plan on doing the same with this one. If im in my home town to give birth then ill have my sister on stand by to look after DD in case its a late one but know when will know when its happening.

We cant stand any of DH family so it makes it very easy not to tell them. We havent even told them im preg again. Lol

Do what YOU want to do. Its an emotional time once the baby is born and you have to think who you want to share those precious first hours with. During labour you wont care whos in the room, let me tell you, but think of once the baby is born. There all going to wont a hold.

Fire Fly I will definately not be telling anyone that we are heading into the hospital (which has been the next most requested thing lately!) as you are soooo right- who wants them all there immediately afterward? I've decided that it will just be hubby and myself and we'll start letting everyone know once we've had some alone time with bubs.
Thanks everyone for your replies, you've helped me to realise that this part is all about us and not the rest of the family- they can get involved later. I'll be able to relax a lot more now :D

Sweetie, I think considering it's your first, then maybe you and DH should share the most important moment and it's the first of all this an emotional experience.

Maybe the easiest way to avoid all this hassle for you is to not tell anyone when you go into labor-hopefully you won't have to lie it may be really quick and you'll have no choice, but don't tell them and say it was really quick and you had no choice(does that make sense or have I been repetative)

Good Luck

BTW for our first it was just me and DH.

2nd it was DH and my beautiful SIL(my brother's wife)-she was a rock she'd worked all day -she's a DR then stayed with me all night till he was born at 4.46am, then finally I let her go at 6am- I LOVE HER, she's a rock

For my first birth I had DP and my best friend there. I totally regret having my friend there, but felt pressured. My mum, brother, sister and family friend waited outside and I was over the moon to have them there as soon as DD was delivered. I just didn't want anyone seeing something so personal. THey were happy with that anyway, don't think they would have wanted to see it. I didn't even look in the mirror the Dr held up, yuk!!
Anyway, next time it's just me and DH. My mum even said don't call until it's born, as it gets a bit frustrating waiting in the waiting room for hours. Because I felt so "high" straight after, I will be getting my immediate fam and in-laws to come straight after the birth. Also having DD, I will need someone to be there with her ready to come in as soon as the baby arrives. She did ask if she could watch (she's only nearly 7) and I told her I couldn't do that to her. I showed her a book about birth and think she understands!!!

It was just me and DP at Aidyns birth... now when I look back on it I think that it may have been nice to have one of my sisters there - just because DP didnt really know what to do or say, and he didnt seem to realise how important this whole experience was - and his mood and manner was actually detracting from my experience..... but when Aidyn came out, it really hit home for him then, which was nice to see.

I was lucky not to have any of my family or ILs asking or insisting to be at the birth... its like they understood that they would only be wanted there if I asked them to be, - and that was totally fine with them.

Maybe next time I might have one of my sisters or Mum in there too, but not for the actual 'delivery' part, cause I would want those precious first moments to just be DP's and mine.

With my first, the twins I had DH, and my mum, and my sister ( she was 16) and it was great, i felt they all knew how I was feeling, and the support, and love we got !! fabulous. Was not impressed htough coz DH went out and rang the IL's when things were getting there, and they were waiting outside, as soon as I had them they were in congratulating us, and I was not impressed, as I felt all yucky, and at a disadvantage.
With DD#3 it was just DH and I as mum was looking after the twins, and my sister had moved away by then, to be honest I felt their absence and wish there could of been a way for at least mum to be there! With this one, it'll just be DH and I again, as mum will be looking after the other 3.
BUT mum is a midwife and so is a fabulous birth coach. its a real personal thing., and you have to do what feels comfortable for you.
With #3 we didnt even ring anyone for a few hrs ( it was 340 am) and IL's didnt bother coming for 2 days!!! mum etc visited that day!!

It's entirely your call MissusC. Don't feel obliged at all to have anyone there you're not totally comfortable with. You can always just say there was no time to call them in the rush. This is not a time to be giving yourself any stress at all.

Having said that, I highly recommend having at least one support person as well as your DH. Somebody you feel quite relaxed with, it's not a time for modesty.

I like having my husband, kids & a support person there, as well as a midwife I know, and I'm pretty oblivious to other people in the background. I've always known who was there though, my mum for 2 of them, another friend, my father & brother outside the room. This time I'll have a room full of stranger doctors which will be weird.

Do it your way! You can always talk to the midwife beforehand too, so that you can let her know if anyone in the room is bothering you, and she could make up an excuse for you why they have to leave.

It is really handy to have extra pairs of hands. Your DH will get tired & need a break, & the hospital staff are not there so much for comfort things for you. Having your own people there to get you drinks, washers, rub your back or whatever, non medical stuff, is great. But if they're not going to be any good at that stuff and just make you uptight, they've got no business being there.

Thank-you very much to everybody for their advice and stories. We ended up deciding not to tell anyone, only have DH to attend the birth. But of course these things never turn out as you expect them to. We had visitors here when my water broke (lovely!) who, after taking 2 hours to leave us alone, must have then told nearly everyone we know because the next 4 hours were spent taking phone calls from people who wanted us to call them the minute we had some news. This was at 3.30pm last Monday.
We went to the hospital at 5am Tuesday morning and over the next 16 hours my SIL and my mum both dropped in to see how things were progressing. Neither of them were any help, but surprisingly they weren't a hinderance either.
My mum was only there an hour when I told the midwives (who were insisting that I start pushing) that it wasn't going to happen and that I wanted some pain relief - preferably in the form of an epidural. They went and got the doctor who said that rather than being 9 cm (like the midwife thought) I was only 7cm and he insisted upon a c-section. So mum got sent home and by 10.30pm Tuesday night we had our beautiful son! Not quite what I thought it would be like but the result couldn't be better- he's very healthy and wonderful in every way.
We've only just gotten home (I needed some major repairs!) but the moral of this long winded story is- sometimes you just can't plan every detail and what you think you don't want might just be what you need. Try to keep an open mind about the whole process and then you won't be too disappointed when things don't go exactly right.
Thanks again...I've really appreciated this forum because there is always helpful and friendly people around! :D

Hello everyone! I'm doing an article on choosing support people for your birth next month, and would love any contributions from members!

I am after stories which are about support people who are non medical, and are there to support you physically, so not midwives or doctors. Please email them to me at info@bellybelly.com.au

Any of the following would be great!

1. Who did you have present at your birth for support?
2. Why did you ask the people you did?
3. What did you expect/ask of your support people?
4. What did your support people do that you found beneficial?
5. What did your support people do that you found not to be beneficial?
6. Do you regret inviting anyone to your birth and why?
7. What would you do differently next time?
8. If you didn't use a professional birth support person (eg birth attendant or doula) would you consider one, if you had the money to do so?
9. How do you think a professional support person could have helped you, physically and mentally?

Thanks guys!!!

for my labour I had my husband, mum & sister there as they are all great supports for me. My father, DMIL & DFIL were waiting outside and were allowed in a few minutes after. DFIL wanted to be there to catch the baby but we had to let him down gently!
It is definately a good idea to have someone look out for your partner, make sure he gets something to eat, etc. But hatever happens, you need to be comfortable enough to let everything hang out!