toddler in birthing room?

I have a problem and I am still stumped what to do! Both mine and DP family & friends are 4 hours south so if i go into labour I have no one to watch our daughter. I dont want to take her into the birthing room but I dont think i have any other options. I definately cant afford to get a baby sitter to come out and I know my mum will come up but by the time she does it could be too late. Im thinking maybe just bringing alot of stuff to keep her entertained so she doesnt pay attention to whats going on lol Any ideas? :)

hi renee, i don't have a solution for you, but will be watching this thread since we are in the exact same boat!!only a little closer to the end!!

Good luck!!

Renee, I agree with Caro that it would be better for your little one not to be there. You can't predict what will happen in your labour or how she will react. It could be very frightening for her, not just the events of labour but all the new people in & out of the room. I think it's very unlikely that she would be distracted by special toys. Are you giving birth at the John Hunter? they definitely want one adult dedicated to each child, if you bring children. Your dh cannot do it & support you as well.
What about asking your mum to come up & stay from about 37 weeks on? Or can you organize for a friend or neighbour to keep her? It should be someone who can watch her for about 24 hours.
Good luck!

yeah thanks :) Im thinking of befriending the neighbours now! i didnt want her in the room, she is a real mummies girl and as you all say im worried she will be traumatised seeing me in pain. I will be at maitland hospital Castle, but will miost likely be the same as John Hunter. Oooh good luck to you Christie! Your definately alot closer then me!

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yeah thanks :) Im thinking of befriending the neighbours now! i didnt want her in the room, she is a real mummies girl and as you all say im worried she will be traumatised seeing me in pain. I will be at maitland hospital Castle, but will miost likely be the same as John Hunter. Oooh good luck to you Christie! Your definately alot closer then me!

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Actually, I would have to disagree with the above posters. I think the stress of placing your daughter with people she is unfamiliar with would be far greater than her accompanying you to have a baby. However, one person was right when they said that the hospital will probably insist on having a second person there whose sole responsibility is to look after her. Children being present for the birth of a baby is much less of an issue than many people think.

The secret to children being with you in labour is to prepare them. In the weeks before the baby is due, you can practice "having baby" with her. Use a baby doll, practice the things you will do in labour - moaning, crying, rocking, and walking. Do it in short bursts, so she does not become distressed, with lots of reassurance at the end. Add in shouting or yelling. Always finish with the baby being "born" and lots of cuddles and comforting. You'll find that your daughter will make a game of it, and will come to understand that the sounds you make and the things you do are normal, and not scary. Get a birthing book with lots of pictures and read it with her, getting her familiar with the sights of a baby being born.

With the appropriate preparation (preparation is the key) toddlers and young children cope with someone having a baby just fine. And its a very special experience that they will keep with them forever. I know a lot of people who have very sad memories of their siblings coming into the world, because all they remember is their parents disappearing, and having to be looked after by strangers, and not seeing parents for several days, when they finally got to go home, and found a new baby in the house. Not really the happiest of memories! As opposed to those who were prepared for being present at the birth, who remember it as a very special time where they could help by rubbing mummy's back, or carrying a drink, or just giving them cuddles.

I hope you manage to find a solution, though, as either way - taking him or her with you, or having someone else look after them - you'll need to find someone you trust to help.

I agree with Michael, I would love to have my kids present for the birth of my next child.

Well, I'll try to agree with both of you. ;) I don't think that you should send your daughter to stay with someone she doesn't know, and I also don't think it's such a great idea to take her into the birthing room. If everything runs smoothly, she might not be too upset about it all, but there is still the chance that things could snag a little, and having a little one there would be an extra challenge. (if for example, you end up with a c/s.) Personally, even if things went wonderfully, I wouldn't have my little ones there with me. (I missed my DD right after delivering her sister, and we went to get her and took them all home together that same night, but I didn't miss her during labour!) Others have had their kids present at homebirths though, and loved it, so I guess to each their own.
I think you have plenty of time to get to know your neighbours well enough that your daughter will be comfortable there. You've got 20 some weeks yet, so hopefully you'll find someone close by that you and your daughter will get along with, until your mum or someone can come, and you'll have peace of mind come delivery time.

I dont have a solution and cant offer any help here but I must say, i completly agree with Caro here. I constantly get asked if i will have my dd (12) in the room with us, my answer is NO WAY!!. I couldnt imagine the stress it would put on her seeing me in such pain, the blood, i'd be too worried about what she was thinking the whole time - and what if something went wrong?? It would totally freak her out, she's also a fainter so resally not a good idea for us. She had asked me to be in there until we watched a movie one day it had a lady in labour (couldnt see anything) but the moaning and screaming was enough for my DD to say "yeah, you know what mum, i dont want to be in there"- i just dont think a child of any age should see this before they can make the choice themselves.


Good luck Renee! (whichever way you go!!)

I geuss it's a tiny bit off track but in the past when people birthed at home surely thier older children would have been present. I was born at home and my older sister was present and helped give me my first bath and so on. At my birth the midwife told her that she was going to have to look out for me and to this day she still tries to.
If I were to have another baby I would want my younger ones there with a carer who could remove them if needed. I would proably figure out a pre-arranged code phrase to say get them out of here in case I needed them gone for any reason.
I geuss our attitude is going to be coloured by our perceptions of birth. If we see it as bad pain and scary then we will pass that attitude on to our children but if our children know that it is good pain and aren't scared of it then it becomes a differant situation.
It's just one of those areas where all families have to find thier own solution.

ETA - I tracked down *Yvette*'s birth story with her twins. She had both her oldre children present. It's here. She also had her oldest at Angus's birth.

I would have loved to have Jenna with us if it had worked out right. I went through the FBU and yes they did want another adult there to look after her, but they were happy to set up a portacot for her, and wheel the TV in for her if need be. They actually have a pile of kiddies videos there for this purpose.

I had a freind who's daughter was with her for her second birth, and it was very special for her. The 21mo rubbed her back and cuddled with mummy and the new baby afterwards, Just gorgeous!!

I guess it depends on what you are like, and how sensitive your child is. The more sensitive the better I would imagine.

Each to their own. It works brilliantlt for a lot of people in many different cultures.

Have you asked your midwives what they think??

Renee,
I vehmently disagree that it is traumatic for children to witness birth. As Dachlostar so beautifully tells her story children at the births of their siblings can be one of those precious memories.

I can speak from personal experience. I have had my children at all of their siblings births. When I was pregnant with my son my daughter then 5 came to all of the midwife visits and was very comfortable with palpating her brother inutero, listening to his heartbeating through my belly and generally watching him grow. She would ask about the birth and we watched some beautiful birthing videos. There was no way I could leave her at home on the big "Night". One of my most treasured memories was of her saying as her Daddy reversed the car out of the drive... "how exciting we are gonna have a baby tonight!". And WE did. She had her "labour bag" full of edible treats, little toys from dollar shops, books etc. She ditched them to watch in awe as her mother birthed her brother. She then piped up that she wanted to cut his cord. And she did.
Our son and his older sister also joined in the birth of their sister (Finn was 2, Ruby was 7 when Lucy was born). Another beautiful family occassion. Finn 4, Ruby 9, Lucy 15 months were all present when their sister Eva was birthed. Not one of my children were traumatised or afraid. My husband and I educated them very well. We made "noises to make the baby come out", we spoke very frankly and openly that Mama would feel sore and make these noises but they were to bring our new baby to us. We watched videos and a favourite book in our house is "Hello Baby" - the story of a home birth. My children were supported through all of my labours by a friend delegated to care for and advocate for them.

If the parents see birth as fraught with danger and fear so will the children. Where birth is talked of as the normal, sacred and beautiful event that it is children will also adopt this attitude. Women who are well supported during labour make lots of wonderful noises but the screaming sounds that people feel will frighten their kids generally dont' happen when a woman feels safe and well supported.

It is very important to have a person there for young children as their support. If they did get afraid or bored then that carer can step in. If there was some event that the children needed to be removed from, again the carer could do this.

I have been at countless births where children were present. Never have I seen a traumatised child! Granted, the women who choose to have siblings at their births spend lots of time preparing their children with visual images, sounds and affirmation.
If the mother feels confident and trusting in the birthing process this is passed on to the children.

If you do choose to have your older child at the birth of her sibling and you prepare her well AND she has a designated carer I am sure you will find it a beautiful experience.

As Dachlostar says, in some countries it is ABNORMAL to lock children out of birth. Birth is seen as a natural, normal event that is shared by families. :hug:

Know exactly how you feel as we live a LONG way from family. I was really stressed out about it as I know DS would not take well to being in the hospital for that long. Check with the hospital and see if they have any options, I was hoping I would go into labour at night and that DS could sleep in the normal room. We ended up getting my mum to come up and stay for the next few weeks which has made me feel so much more relaxed about the whole thing

renee

i am sorry but i would also have to agree that it is not a good idea for a young child to be in the birthing room. i only say this as i know of someone who went into labour at home (whilst another friend was there) the friend offered to take her dd (aged 4) a look after her whilst the mum was in labour, the mum said no, her dd would be fine. well she wasn't fine and she has suffered quite a bit from watching what her mum went through. the first thing she did when she came home from the hospital (sorry i think this is a bit tmi) was spread her legs apart in the the lounge room and open her *bits* with her fingers as much as she called and peed over the floor. so even tho the little girl didn't seem to be traumatised by it at the time, you can see that it had such a terrible terrible affect on her.

do you have any close friends from playgroup or mothers group that you could call on to look after your dd if only until your mum arrived??? would it be possible for someone from your family to come and stay with you in the final weeks before the birth. it is a tough one i know. i had no one when my ds was due, however i was lucky that my mum and dad flew down a few weeks prior (they lived interstate at the time) and they stayed at my mum's sisters house 20 mins away, so i just called mum when i was going to hospital and she stayed with my dd.

good luck

If children are familiarised with the planned birthing space - weather it is a birthing suite, birthing centre. This helps to make children feel comfortable. Familiarising children with the birthing place prior to the birth is very important.

Yes, Caro times have changed and the medicalisation of birth has meant that many women don't even consider other children at their births an option. I for one think that this is not a change for the better. My youngest child at 15 months relished in the birth of her sister. Her chubby little hand on her new born sisters head seconds after birth is a memory and a photo that is among my most treasured of possessions. Lucy refers to it as the first time she met her Eva...:hug:

I was adamant with DS that i was going to have DD present at birth, she would of been 2yrs 9 months old at the time. I talked in depth with DH about it and we thought that it would be a good idea so we would let the hospital know so they were prepared.
My ob STRONGLY advised against it and this being that she would be to traumatised with seeing mum in pain and not understanding what was going on. I also listened to the midwives opionions and they had the same thoughts as the ob.
Hence we changed our minds and we are glad that we did. Even though the labour was short and uncomplicated i think its nice for husband and wife to have that one on one time with their new family member and enjoy each other for just a little while. As soon as we were back at the room though i insisted that he go get DD so she could meet her new brother.
I was only in for one night so it wasnt so bad for her. The fact that mummy wasnt home though even for that one night distressed her but im still glad that we didnt take her in.

She will be 4yrs 3 months when this one is born and im still not going to bring her in. She remembers from when DS was born and talks about the two of them staying with Nannan while i have the baby so that makes it easier. DS will be the problem this time i think cause he will only be 18mths. Hopefully it will only be for the night again as im keen to get home and get on with my family.

Each to there own i think, do whats comfortable with you and talk to your partner and Ob in length so you are prepared as well as your DD. Im sure your mother would make it only being 4 hours away to so if you decided not to take DD id be ringing your mother as soon as you get those niggly feelings. Im sure she wont mind. Good luck ;)

Caro, I was just saying, that i would like too, not saying the OP should.

I guess it depends how you labour. I'm a raving lunatic, so probably not a good idea, but for those ladies that manage to do it quietly and calmly, I think it would be great;)

Thats Ok Caro,

Dh wouldn't want the kids there, he agrees that it would be traumatic. I agree on some levels but I think it depends on the child. Evan probably would have been fine at Isla's birth because it was so quick. But not sure about Glenns. But He was also traumatised by not being able to be with me, he lost all trust in goin gto my mum. It took ages before he was ok about her coming around. After Glenn, as soon as she was mentioned he would say he didn't want her to stay.
He loves her now though, Grandma has a pool! LOL.

Just looking back, The OP hasn't replied yet about any of the posts to her OP.

I would be interested to hear how she feels about children being present. She only said she didn't want her DD to be there. But why? Is it because she feels that birth is traumatic? maybe reading others birth stories where siblings have been present will help her with her choice about having her DD there or not.

If grandma lives 4 hours way, her DD might not be comfortable with her. I am just assuming this because of distance, may mean visits with grandma are not as often as if they lived closer.
Birthing a baby can be a traumatic event but with the right information leafding up to the birth like others have posted I think it could be a beautiful family thing.

FireFly said that she feel it was nice for the new dad & mum to spend a little bit of time with their new baby.

I think having the older sibling involved with the birth as much as possible could actually help alot with them adjusting to the new family member. It may help them understand that this new person is a part of the special bond that they share with mum & dad. I think having a baby is a family thing, not just a husband & wife thing.

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I guess it depends how you labour. I'm a raving lunatic, so probably not a good idea, but for those ladies that manage to do it quietly and calmly, I think it would be great;)

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Yep, this needs to be looked at as well. If you know you are not going to cope well with the labour then you need to think about that.

When I think about it, BIRTH its self isn't traumatic. Seeing mummy in labour & how she deals with it is what could be traumatic.

There is no right or wrong here. Its a personal decision. I've seen children that I know would cope well and others I know that wouldn't. I think its a decision you need to make with your own family. But I also think that if you are going to make this decision there should be some level of preparation.

I had Paris present with me up until I got loud then MIL went out for a walk and came back later in the afternoon. Paris wasn't there when Seth crowned but she was there a minute after, not bad I think. And she was present for the majority of the birth.

So it really is up to you, how you birth, and what personality your child has and the level of understanding they might have iykwim?

*hugs*
Cailin

FionaJill, the OP did post again, about 3 down in the thread I think....

Renee, you have have had so many interesting replies. Looking at them I think I would add more to my post. Like Caro, I had the impression that you didn't especially want DD there, and were hoping that she could be distracted by toys etc. If you would PREFER that she not be there, if you don't have a person dedicated to looking after her, then I don't think it's a good idea to take her along with only a bag of goodies to help (and I'm pretty sure Maitland won't allow it w/o her own carer).

It's tricky isn't it--because if you find someone to look after her at the birth, that adult is also someone you have to feel comfortable with to see you in labour. I had the impression (wrong?) that you felt a paid babysitter either at home or in hospital was unaffordable. It sounds like you might be a bit isolated because obviously if you had a friend or relative to watch her, then this wouldn't be an issue :)

If you would LIKE to have her, and have someone to watch her, then I agree it can be a very meaningful experience for both you & her, definitely doesn't have to be traumatic. It just depends on what you would like and on a bit of advance planning.

I was in a similar situation when my 2nd was born. We had lived only 8 months in that town and family were not nearby. After going back & forth a bit, we decided not to bring DS no. 1, then 21 months, to the birth (the midwife had said it was A-OK either way). I'm glad I didn't...I am not a screamer or anything, but the labour ended up being long & needed all my attention.
We had to change our care plans for him at the last minute because DS no 2 came a bit early, and the original person who was to come over, was away! We ended up taking him to the wife of someone dh worked with. He had met her before but hadn't yet been to her house. Although it would seem like a setup for trauma....midnight dropoff at a strange house...he had a great time. He and her boys, a bit older, had a fantastic time playing the next day. I went home 6 hours after delivery anyway. In later months whenever we went to her house, he did remember (with enjoyment) that special night. LOL, years later he asked to come to the birth of no 3. I said yes with no hesitation, but a couple of months before the birth he changed his mind.

Not only do I have 4 children, I used to teach in a preschool. I can tell you that how YOU feel about the whole thing will have a big impact on how your DD responds. If you are enthusiastic about having her there, have a carer, & take time to prepare her....then it's an excellent chance that everything will be great. If you're not sure, or would rather not...she will pick up on those feelings too. If you arrange a babysitter at your or their house, & feel really secure about that, then she will probably feel very happy with it too.

I think that making friends with a few of your neighbours, as you said, would be a good idea. I bet that one of them will offer to babysit anyway! Good luck.

Sorry, I did go back to check but must of missed it!

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If you are enthusiastic about having her there, have a carer, & take time to prepare her....then it's an excellent chance that everything will be great. If you're not sure, or would rather not...she will pick up on those feelings too. If you arrange a babysitter at your or their house, & feel really secure about that, then she will probably feel very happy with it too.

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I think this is so true Castle. If a woman/family takes birthing in its stride so will the child. This is one of the big keys to this. You are absolutely correct. Renee if you are not comfy then your child probably won't be. However, maybe after hearing some differing opinions (and the glorious diversity on Belly Belly gives us that) you may either be certain of not wanting yoru child there or you may be thinking it may be an option.
As Castle says, if you haven't got a designated carer, unless you are happy for your husband to focus on your child and not on you in the labour than you would need another person on board.

To digress slightly. After our son was born Ruby came home from preschool a few weeks later to announce that one of her little friends had a new sister. She said, "gee mum it was so wierd he wasn't even there to see him born". Now, in sharing this it is to illlustrate to my daughter the whole process was normal. It was normal to give birth, to poo while I did it, to holler, to cry, to laugh, to do all of the things that labouring women do. It was also normal to my daughter to be a part of it. For my daughter (because she was born into a home that birth, birthing, boobies etc were so openly and often discussed and seen) it was abnormal for her little friend not to be present at his siblings birth.

So, it is about different families also. My MIL and older SIL were absolutely horrified at our birth choices - they are very medicalised so some of my choices are difficult for them to get their heads around. However, many of my friends hold similar views so we had huge support.
Again, I have been at many births where children are present. They will watch in awe, go to sleep, eat an apple, laugh, breastfeed... They are just so earthed and normal birthing is so grounded that with the right preparation they almost always take it in their stride. However, if a parent were nervous or unsure as Castle says this will be reflected back onto the child.

With reference to what Fiona Jill says about a child being present at birth helping them to adjust to the new baby. I think that this most certainly has an impact. We haven'thad any issues with sibling rivalry (when a new baby is born) - and many parents report similar. My daughter now almost 12(eek!) has such a confidence in how women's bodies work. She isn't afraid to talk of her own body and knows just how much work goes into producing a baby. I think these are all good things. :hug:

Wow, what a lot of discussion this one small post has prompted!!
I can't provide my own experience here but my SIL had her second child at home and her 20mth son slept through the whole thing. With the 3rd, she had her in a birth suite with both siblings present but also had her parents to help with the kids. The napped on beanbags and watched some of the time. They reckon it was great as a family to welcome the new bub. I think it depends a lot, as everyone else was saying, on the womans labour and the childs preperation and sensitivity.
How about making friends with mums at playgroup, or mothers groups? Can a friend come to stay? Anyone that DD is comfy with, is responsible, and are happy to have in your home... doesnt have to be your mum or necessarily another parent. Does DD have any special friends?. If you have plenty of time to prepare her, any of the options is a possibility.
Good luck with your decision.

WOW how inspiring some of your stories are, it ahs just occured to me that I may well be in a similar position, as my dh works out on the gas fields at moomba and is only home for 10 days a month so my mum will have to step in and be my support if he is not here, then it just hit me 'who is going to look after my kids' MIL works full time and so does my dad and step mum and both my SIL's are due within a month of me so they cant possible feel up to accepring the care of 2 children, and teh only friend I have that is close by her hubby may not be to happy about it and i dont want to cause them stress or probs, OMG I can tbeleive I had not thought of this yet ( sorry Renee I dont mean to hijack your thread )

I have always had the opinion that no way no how is a child to be present at the birth of another child and I was pretty set on that one, but after reading some of your views and seeing how special this time was for you I think its not such a bad idea after all is it, I love the thought that my children could be a partof bringing our new baby into our home, my son 6 will love to pamper me he is a very sensative boy and my daughter is just facinated by babies and is very excoted so I think they would be ok so I think I may need ot discuss this with dh.

any way back to your Problem Renee ( again sorry for hijacking your thread ) my ds was 2 and a half when DD was born we did not have him in the room with us during her birth but he was at the hospital he cam ein and visited me regularly and went for lots of fun walks with his nana, once she was born my mum and him came in with in a minute or so, so he was there in a sence.

I think that if your only option is to take your daughter in with you then try to do it in a posative way as others have sugested I think being honest and making her very aware of the things that happen is a great way to make her comfortable and I love what smickers sugested about practicing with her I think that is a great idea. on the other hand if you really do not want her to come along I think finding someone in your area that could take care of her would be a good idea and get her familiar with them, perhaps as was sugested in another thread a few days back check with a local day care centre and see if any of the workers there do provide babysitting out of hours, or I guess the other option would be that you mum to come and stay with you for a little while so taht she is there when the baby is born.

Good luck with it all I hope you work something out.

Siblings At Birth

With Patrick, Bella sat there in her pram and watched the whole thing. She wasn't traumatised and if anything it has made her closer to Patrick than anyone else. After Patrick was born and they had him on the warming pad checking everything, the midwives asked James to bring Bella over so she could see her baby brother. Bella was only 1 yr and 10 months. If I was to have another, I would definately allow the children in the delivery room so the could meet their brother/sister as soon as they arrived(never going to happen though!)

Oh Kelly, that artical made me tear up!

Me too!!!! Beautiful article and I can truly relate to it :hug:

wow thanks everyone, gives me so much to think about! Im actually thinking of maybe having my mum come up now and sit with DD (unless its night) til i give birth then have her come in for first cuddles :) The reason I didnt want my DD there was she gets very upset when I leave her. I had an ultrasound and she was nearly in tears thinking I was in pain and wanted to sit with me. But at least now with all these ideas I have a few months to decide! So many different perspectives :D

I think that if you want to have your kids with you, and they are prepared, and you are prepared, then that's great. But I think that you will need to have someone there to care for the little ones, and someone there to help you. And I think that there should be another room available for the little ones to go, if they do seem to be upset by everything. I think that birth is normal and natural, but that doesn't mean that every child is necessarily going to be ready to see it!

Renee, I didn't want DS to be in the birthing room, but things didn't go to plan. I had my MIL coming to stay from 37 weeks - unfortunately Tom decided to arrive at 36w. I have a history of quick labours so didn't have time to take Jack anywhere first. As it turned out we did the right thing taking him - the labour was 3 hours and the ob said thank goodness we hadn't taken the time to drop him off or wait for someone to come to the house. He wasn't there for the birth, as soon as I got the hospital and discovered the birth was imminent, we rang a friend to come and pick Jack up (she has a car seat). But let me tell you, a 3 hour labour is intense and Jack saw me in a lot of pain before he left. He wasn't phased at all. We just were calm with him and told him the baby in mummy's tummy was coming (he was 19months but understood). Once Tom was born DH went to pick Jack up and bring him back to meet his brother. Jack was really excited to meet Tom and showed no signs of trauma at all. In fact, I would say seeing mummy in the room before the baby came, and then again after, actually helped him to process it all.

Things don't always go to plan, often it's how you deal with it when it happens that makes the difference.

See Renee, there are options! I imagine it was feeling like you didn't have any that was more worrying.

I for one have my children in with me - the connections you make as a family are priceless.
You never know how and when you will go into labour too - my DD missed the last one (much to her disgust) as she had to stay home and look after DS as it was in the middle of the night. She actually called my step-dad and made him bring her to the FBC so she didn't miss out!

One point though - Yvette had enough intervention that she didn't want and if things could have been as she wished Angus would have been there too.