Mixed Gender Sleep Overs ???

Hi, I have a tough question, my eldest daughter will be 13 this year and the issue of mixed gender parties is starting to come up. I have no problems with mixed gender parties but am worried about sleep overs. Growing up I had mixed gender sleep overs and my parents had the rule that boys slept in the lounge and girls in the bedrooms. It worked well for us but my daughter thinks I am being old fashioned and that I don't trust her. I am wondering how other parents have handled this one. I don't want to lay down the " It's my house and you'll do as I say" line as this hasn't worked for me in the past. I get the best results when I sit down and talk things through with my daughter but this one has me stumped on how best to approach the situation.

Wow. mixed gender sleep overs at 13? I am only 26 but still feel that is waaaaay too young. I guess it is up to what you feel you can compromise. I would go for a mixed gender party but the guys have to go home later and the girls can sleep the night. You can always chat with some of the other parents of the kids who would be going. I am sure a lot of them wouldn't like their daughters sleeping over when there are also guys. That way you can have a united front and at least know you aren't being too hard.

I would only let them stay if i knew they were good friends, just not random boys, IYKWIM? And i would definatly make them sleep in a different room to the girls. I would say something along the lines of 'i trust you, it's them i don't trust'.

Hmm, i agree its a hard one. My DD will also be 13 this year and IMHO, if she was invited to a party where boys were sleeping over - she wouldnt be. I agree with Krysalyss, the boys could be sent home after the party. I know its hard with the trust thing - and of course they think they know everything - but this is something i'd put my foot down to. I remember me at that age and well, i worry about my DD!!!! And really, do you think the boys (& girls) will stay in their "rooms" once you've gone to bed??!! My other worry would be if the other kids are telling their parents that boys are also sleeping over.

Good luck with it all anyway!

It's funny as I thought she was way too young too, but I've recently found out that my daughter is the only one in her group of friends who doesn't have a boyfriend, so the boys who would be staying are all part of there little group. I have in the past stopped my daughter from attending parties and dressing the way she thinks is cool, but I'm starting to think that I should allow her some sort of freedom when it comes to our own house. I feel much more comfortable about allowing her friends to be here rather than her be at someone else's house. The other parents don't seem to have a problem with it at all. I think a few were even surprised that I questioned it. I didn't expect this until she was about 16, lol. We have the problem that my daughter isn't mine biologically and she's grown up a lot quicker than most little girls and seen alot more than most girls her age so she comes accross as being much older than she actually is. I am trying to give her as much space as she needs without letting go of the apron strings completely as when she doesn't like my decisions she runs back to her mother who isn't the best influence and it then takes quite a while to get her back on the straight and narrow again.

Wow..my dd is 13 in two months and there is no way wed be having mixed gender sleepovers with kids that arent family friends etc. Thats such a scary thought. We have always had parties with both boys and girls sleep over and we have had sleepovers with boys but when they become boyfriends it really just changes the whole dynmamic. I must admit I would be like you Shell. If Jess was invited to sleepovers with boys going then Jess wouldnt be going. Even having one at my house would be risky as you cant watch them all through the night and kids sneak out etc lol..(shudder....the things I did at that age!!!) If something happened at our house at our party..nup..just too risky!

Jo

Oh it's just so hard isn't it? You want to seem fair, you want to be reasonable and you want them to trust and respect you but you also KNOW better than an emotional pubecent teenager.

We wont allow mixed gender sleepovers with friends - except my Godson/nephews etc. My DD is only 9.5 at the moment, but it's just not on. And for good reasons too - Fletch you scare me!!! Although I do think perhaps it's just talk, and although they are talking about sex and stiffies, they don't have the 'follow thru' yet! But it has always been like this - I remember one of the boys in my grade 4 class when I was a kid getting a stiffie in class. The teacher wasnt' in the room at the time but boy did it cause a commotion! So in that respect things haven't changed in 22 years (OMG I feel old!)

Anyway, I'd do your best to explain - like the others have said - Boys can come to the party, but only girls sleep over.

Nah, you don't really scare me Fletch. I had a bf at 12yo.

FW - definitely go the No boys sleeping over rule!

ETA: it was 26 years ago, not 22. *sigh* I feel even older!
ETA2: Hell! it was 27 years ago. It's 2007 not 2006!!!

Thanks for your replies. Hubby is against having any boys at the party at all but DD's bio mum doesn't have a problem with the boys sleeping over and I'm kinda half and half, lol. I'm going to have to give it some more thought. I'm thinking about letting her invite them all over for a BBQ and just see how it goes and how they all interact with each other, but she can have a couple of girlfriends stay the night if she wants. DD has a 14 yr old half sister (they have the same bio mum) who has a 17 yr old boyfriend who sleeps over most nights, recently he lost his licence for speeding and bio mum thinks it's funny. I don't want this for DD but am feeling powerless to guide her towards something better when bio mum doesn't see any problems with the current situation. At the moment I'm getting the same old line "everyone else's mum lets them" and it seems amongst her group of friends that this is true. I feel so old now, lol and I know now how my parents felt when I did this to them, lol.

I wouldn't let the boys stay if I were you, but there is no reason why they can't be at the party - even though they are all part of the same group - it isn't only your daughter you have to worry about - it is everyone elses too and having boyfriends/girlfriends together like that does make things different kwim? Will she be willing to compromise on this at all? Could you have the boys around again in the morning for breakfast?

I was 15 before we had anything like that and I think it sent the girls parents grey worrying about it all night LOL. She may get a bit stroppy now, but in the long run when she is older, I think she will appreciate you being a bit stricter kwim?

nope thats far out.
mixed party, ok. but no need at all for boys to sleep over aswell at all imo.

Me too NO FREAKIN WAY!!!! Lol.

My baby girl is 10 - if any boy comes near her talking about stiffies, I'll be chopping it off - until she's at least 35, LMAO!

Blame it on her dad ;)

PMSL Natalie CLASSIC!

But yes I quite agree ;)

*hugs*
Cailin

Is it a case of bio mum being a friend to the daughters instead of mum. That freaks me out letting a 17 year old staying over. Its like shes inviting trouble.

Jo

Well, we decided against letting the sleep over go ahead. We talked it over with DD and explained how we felt and that we were Ok with the party but not having everyone sleep over and it didn't go so well. Our daughter has now decided that she is going to live with her bio mum full time and only see us when she has to or wants to see her little sister. We have an open shared custody arrangement as with my hubby's job he can't get full custody in preference of his ex so theres not alot we can do to stop her living with her bio mum, we'll just have to hope that it works out for the best. Bio mum is over the moon and already talking about the extra child support money she is going to get out of us. It is so hard trying to raise someone elses child.

FW - you poor thing. The whole thing has been sorta like black mail hasnt it. "I didnt get my way with you, so i'm going to go live with my irresponsible mother" Whats wrong with the world today when kids can do that!
I really feel for you. We had a sorta similar situation with my cousin. My parents took her in as she was kicked out of her foster home, and when she didnt get things her own way, and had to hand over the drugs etc, decided that was no fun, so moved back home with her mum, so she could have all the drugs and boys she wanted. (her mum is prost BTW)
As for being 13 - call me an old fashioned farm girl - but, it never would of occured to me at 13 to be that interested in boys that it would be a concern to my parents. But, that was my upbringing and life style as well - home schooled in remote area, then shipped off to all girls catholic boarding school.
I hate to think how young my kids are going to start being 'interested' in the opposite sex - 10years old and pashing and getting stiffies! OMG - they should be still playing with power rangers and tonka trucks! ....... I am in for such a shock i think!

Hi, my DD is now at her mum's which is a long way from us so we don't know whats going on down there at the moment. I do really feel like I was blackmailed by them. I think it's only going to get worse as she gets older going back and forwards between us. My MIL thinks it was all a set up by DD's bio mum to get her to live with her for the extra money. Hubby's ex has already contacted CSA to tell them, lol. We put DD on a plane and just an hour later CSA were on the phone to ask about the new arrangements. It was all done in less than 2 days. Oh well, I just hope that she's happy and that in time she figures out where she wants to be. Hubby is thinking about closing our open door policy and telling her that if she chooses to stay with her mum then that's her choice to make but he won't be flying her up to us everytime she wants to swap houses or come up and stay which is what has been happening for the past few years. It's an expense that we can't really afford when we're also paying more than $500 a mth to CSA. I hate making her choose but I really feel as though she played us this time around.

I am so sorry that your DD took the attitude that she did, but I think that you are right and that she was totally playing you to get what she wanted. My DD will be 14 in October and she slept over at a friends place a couple of weeks ago and he is a boy, but I know the parents really well and it all comes down to trust. The line 'everyone else is allowed to' is a common one, that we all come across, but as I say to my DD if everyone is allowed to jump off the Westgate, would you want to do that too? I know that my DD and this boy are just friends, so I trust them and she knows the rules etc.
I think that your DH is right in letting DD know that the open door policy is going to close, as she may just do the same thing when her Mum wont let her do something that she wants, lovely when they play parents off each other, not! That way she will realise that it wont be as easy to change when things go wrong and she cant keep doing this.
I hope that things work out for you!

I agree. All kids need to understand the consequences of their actions. It is tough when one adult says one thing and one says another. But I think you did the right thing. You made a decision based on her welfare and discussed it with you. If she can get away with this kind of emotional blackmail now she will learn very bad lessons in life.
Stay strong!