recovered bullimic/anorexic, years on now pregnant

as someone who in her teens battled problems like anorexia and bullimia i ahve strong body image issues!!! i never went so far i was hospitalised or anything i went from a size 12 to a size 6 in a short amount of time and stayed between there and 8 for a long time.... at around 18 - 19 i started to accept that naturally i was not this small and put on a bit of weight it kept going from there because i have bipolar and had issues with comfort eating and ended up around a size 14 (which i understand is still not really that big)....
i dropped to somewhere in between 12 - 14 just before i fell pregnant and now i can see myself growing again... i know it is completely normal to gain wait in pregnancy, and i have a bad junk food comfort thing going on but i notice myself sometimes slipping back into thoughts of if i just eat less i will loose weight and i am really scared about it...
atm i know logically i need to keep my diet steady and healthy and accept weight gain as it comes but theres this switch in my brain that i am scared will be activated if i put on too much more weight and i wont be able to controll myself... as has happened before...
does anyone have any experiences with this or any advice?

Hi Noni-e

Babe - I really hear you. I had a bulimia issue during my late teens and twenties and have maintained fairly strong body image issues ever since. My sister was a very successful model throughout this time and I felt such a need to be thin etc that it got out of hand. I was the same as you without hospitalisation but would make myself sick after most meals.

I had the same fear when I fell pregnant the first time (2004). Even though my bulimic tendencies had stopped years before, I also have "the switch" in my brain that turns on when I am scared about looking/feeling "fat" and putting on weight - not feeling "perfect".

I think if you are really worried about it, I would talk to someone - talk it through with a counsellor or your midwife/GP/OB - someone who will be keeping an eye on you medically during this time and can help support you through it. you need support and reminders that all will be well.

It's a very difficult thing when that switch is always there but you need to remember that the baby is the most important thing and needs you to eat healthily and regularly. That was the way I got over the concern. I put on 14 kgs first time and believe me, the 70kg barrier was a real hurdle for me! I finished up at 71kgs and the thought of getting back to my ideal weight terrified me. But, I got through it by reminding myself how unbelievably lucky I was to be pregnant in the first place and that it would be selfish of me to let my own issues hurt my baby in any way.

As time went on, I became more comfortable in my pregnant skin and had the support of DH and friends who knew my history. I ended up having a terrific and healthy pregnancy.

Do you know if your OB is a "weigher"? Some weigh you in at each appointment and some don't. Have a think about this in regards to your own frame of mind - mine didn't weigh and that worked really well for me, but you might be different. For people with our histories, those scales can be a real enemy in regards to pregnancy as the guidelines for weekly weight gain can fluctuate and cause you stress if you have gained what is thought "too much" in any given week.

I don't know if this will help you but feel free to ask me anything - I do know where your head is at and it's a scary thing. Look after yourself and that little baby!

Gigi xx

gigi- i havn't been to my first appointment at the hospital yet... i am only nearly 10 weeks so my first appt is in april with them... i havn't weighed myself in almost a year and i will not say what the number was but it was BAD!!! and am terrified at the thought of being weighed, i am pretty sure its a requirement at the hospital that they monitor it and that could be the end of my recovery iykwim.... i am terrified to mention this to anyone because i know they way they will react... the whole how could u possibly be even thinking about putting yourself first before the health of the baby....i love our baby already at only 9.5 weeks and ppl just wont get that its not about that at all...
i am absolutely terrified

I have had some other problems such as depression during this pregnancy. Your hospital will go through your history including mental health history, at which time you can bring it up with them. My hospital offers free counselling and have really taken my concerns seriously. Make sure you are up front and they can help you through it.
Good luck!

is that a public hospital you are going through?

Yes - Royal womens hospital up in Brisbane.

ah k cool i am going through blacktown hospital cause it is really close to me here but was worried coz it was public it wouldn't be the same iykwim

Noni - I really think you should speak with someone about it if it is terrifiying you that much. There are anonymous helplines you can call - you don't have to feel this way alone and without support. you mentioned you have bipolar, do you have a good doctor who is aware of this and can maybe help you with advice and counseling?

I would agree with Krysalyss that most hospitals would have counseling of some kind that you could look into. But I really think you should reach out to someone trained and talk to them about your fears.

xxx

Don't have any advice or suggestions, just wanted to wish you all the very best for your pregnancy. You are doing really well by identifying potential problems right now and dealing with them before they get out of hand. Well done - you're already doing the best you can to look after your baby! Don't let anyone tell you any differently. I hope you find the answers and the help you need. xx

thanks snacks thats really nice of u to say

Good luck, and I hear where you're coming from . I had body issues since about 17 years ago....I don't really have any advice, apart from what the others said, but what I will say is that I found (and this is just me, but it could help you) I lost weight after both bubs, so that each time I have been lighter than before I got pregga's. I wouldn't put this down to breastfeeding, as I stopped that 6 months ago and haven't put on weight since, but I'd say its the running around after bubs, getting up at night, and eating correctly! The BF prob helped at the beginning to get the initial weight off.
So just hang in there, enjoy the pregnancy and spoiling yourself, and know that afterwards you will lose the weight if you eat properly and chase bubs around!!!And I hope you find some support to help you through the pregnancy when you have depressing thoughts about the weight gain. Im sure you'll find alot of help on BB. xoxoxo

I wanted to reply to your previous post (I already replied, I meant I wanted to add something... oh, you know what I mean!) when you wrote that you had bipolar but of course the drugs will affect the pregnancy so it's not a good idea to take them - a friend of mine has bipolar and this is an issue she has battled with because she's not sure she could come off the drugs in order to get pregnant. You sound like you're putting the baby first which is wonderful but don't be afraid to look after you! I agree with the others, make sure there are people to talk to and to help you through this. You don't need to go it alone. I think most of us struggle a bit with the weight thing, regardless of any previous issues. Good luck and feel free to rant whenever!!

Nonie, I read that starving yourself or self induced vomiting can stop you from having kids. This really woke me up when I was younger. I know that switch can sometimes be hard to avoid turning on, but I really think that you will know what is best for your bubs and put him/her first always, you sound like a really caring person, if not you wouldn't be concerned at all. I have known women to avoid eating during pregnancy to stop themselves gaining weight, but they would never have thought twice about it, they are really selfish people to begin with. You on the other hand sound little a very kind and concerned mother-to-be who only wants the best for her bubs.
I think Krysal had a good idea advising the hospital about your past, then you know you will have support, it might make you feel better too talking about it.
Good luck girl, I'm sure you'll do whats best for bubs.

thanks for all your support guys it really means alot

Hi noni,

Just wanted to let you know that ive been going through Blacktown Birthing centre. Most of the midwives there are really friendly. I only got weighed on my first appointment through the hospital and haven't been weighed since.
Maybe you can see if you are able to go to the birthing centre?

*hugs* Simone.

Oh poor you I know how you feel
although because I was sick at the beginning of my pregnancy and then always hungry (like majorly hungry) I havn't swung back into the bad habits.

I have noticed though denial of my clothes size (non maternity)
some things I can still fit in but only in a size 14-16 so even if I have really liked the clothes or they were comfortable I have refused to either try them on or buy them because in my mind I feel like I've just gone back to being fat

It's a hard mind-set to shake but you will get through it!
just remember you will have a beautiful baby and you can't not eat cause bub's needs food :D

Good luck xx

thanks guys i am not doing too badly 15 weeks now and i fit most my clothes still coz i seem to be carying high, ive only put on a couple of kilos and i keep telling myself over and over its important for the baby and since i am getting a bump now that dosn't look so much like a biscuit belly its all feeling a bit more real.. its a hard road recovering from something like that and i guess it will probably be something i will always deal with so thanks heaps for all your support and kind words because it means alot

I just read your thread and can relate a little when i was preg with DS i put on 29kilos and got depression and anxiety but didn't want to discuss it with the doctors so struggled a little. After having him i went from 115kg(full term) to 60kg within 2years. Now i'm pregnant again (and a little heavier than 60kg..) i'm scared im going to put on all that weight again i'm already barely fitting into my clothes but the scales don't show much weight gain at all. It makes it harder when people comment i must be having twins because of how much i'm showing already. I just want to slap them!!! It's so rude..
Anyway keep positive, ur not alone and make sure u have support and don't keep it to yourself. Talking will help for sure. Best of luck :)

Don't worry too much about the twin comments it's not necessarily cause you're showing so soon alot of people just say it
alot of people said it to me and I didn't show til later

Scales suck! lol

it's just numbers. I don't use them because they make me feel bad.