A Dad for only a second..from the States.

Greetings all.

I realize that this forum is Aussie based, so I hope being a local American isn't shunned upon too much. In a nutshell, I found this site more encouraging and promising than the other related sites. :)
And let me apologize in advance for any possible grammar errors...it's past midnight and I can't sleep.

I'll attempt to explain, in short, the long-winded story.

Everything, for the most part, is normal with the pregnancy during the first 7.5 months. The only oddity was that the baby was in a breach position...and the doctors said that she might flip around when delivering time comes around. No real big deal to us, we just figured she was starting both her mother's and my stubborn attitude a little early!
Well, as time went by, our girl still hadn't flipped so the doctors were scheduling a C-Section. Still, though a small concern, we were fairly certain everything would work out on its own.
Two days after our last doctors visit, my wife starts having major contractions, and they are close together. Thinking it was the big day, we head to the hospital.
Soon enough, they hook my wife up to those contraction/heartbeat monitors and that's when the floor just dropped from under me.
They couldn't find the heartbeat with the little Doppler machine, they couldn't find any movement with the ultrasound. I requested three different doctors opinions, but they all found the same unfortunate results.
My wife was 8.5 months along with no problems. We even felt her move the night before. So somewhere between in the middle of the night and the morning portion of the day of giving birth, my daughter had passed away.
So being a stillborn, the doctors advised still having a vaginal birth rather than a C-Section, despite the baby's breach position.
So after a few painful hours of labor, my wife was able to give birth to our kid. Without a doubt, she was the most beautiful thing I've have ever laid eyes on. She was just amazing.
So we held her for a few hours, talked to her, wished her well, and told her that we would see her soon.

I guess my reasoning for writing is an obtuse form of comforting myself. I'm not really sure how anybody copes with such a loss...or are you?
How does one rationalize the odds of this happening with two perfectly healthy, drink free, drug free, smoke free, mostly stress free, happily married adults? It's never happened before in any of our family lines. It just shouldn't have happened.

And of course, the doctors haven't a clue on what might have happened.

Maybe I need to take my wife on a getaway vacation during our hiatus from work...I've always heard Australia is nice. ;)

With my small and feeble attempt at humor aside, thanks for reading my note.

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl. I am sending y ou big hugs right now and while I havent had a loss after the first trimester I can only imagine how you and your brave wife must be feeling at the moment.
There are a few women here who have had stillbirths and I hope that you will be able to share more with them and gain some strength from their stories and how they kept going after saying goodbye to their precious babies.

You have come to the right place, and it doesnt matter where you are from, the BB girls (and some guys) will all be here for you.

take care of yourself and your wife right now and know that your daughter lives forever within your hearts and her spirit will always stay close to her mummy and daddy.

:hugs:
Lisa

OMG - I am in tears.. that is the sadest thing i have heard! I am sorry for yours and your wifes loss Hudson.. BB is a very supportive place - glad you found us! All my prayers for your little angel.

your words sound all too devastatingly familiar, I am so sorry for your and your wifes loss. To come so far and to have your daughter taken away is just so cruel, no words can describe the feeling. I am only two months into my journey after the loss of my daughter Phoebe, my pregnancy was almost perfect, if one could be, so I am feeling your loss as though it were my own. I know no amount of words can comfort how you are feeling, I guess just take heart (if you can) in knowing that you, your wife and daughter are in teh thoughts of so many here at BB.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl.

I must say although I can feel how much pain you are in, it is so good to see a dad post in M&L, I don't think I've ever seen it here on BB before. I don't know how, but it truly does help to get it all out, so keep posting.

Losing my baby at 12 weeks broke my heart and I was in a very bad way for a very long time. I cannot imagine the pain you and your wife are experiencing right now. There are lots of mum's on BB that have unfortunately shared your experience and i hope they will post shortly to offer some words of encouragement and support.

The only thing I can say is to take it one day at a time or one hour at a time if that's what you can manage. That's all you can do.

Your little girl will always be with you, you will carry her in your hearts.

I am also very saddened & heartbroken for both yourself & your wife...

I cannot ever imagine anything more painful to happen to a couple...

I think a trip to Australia would be lovely, I guess your both trying to cope with the emotions & grief... So for now I wish you every strength you can muster to support each other to deal with such a horrific outcome...


Fly freely princess

Dear HudsontheBoxerdog,

Words are inadequate to express the deep sorrow I truly feel that you and your wife have lost your precious daughter. It's a wound that is felt deep in your chest and takes it's time repairing, if at all. From what I have been told by others who have suffered similar losses decades ago, it never heals completely. I am sorry you are having to deal with this tragic event.

I lost my daughter 9 months ago and still feel the pain of her abscence in our family. It is something I am trying to absorb into my life as I feel it has changed me as a person.

How do you cope? One day at a time. Find a good counsellor, talk about her with your wife and anyone who'll listen, allow yourselves to cry and cry and cry for however long it takes, get to understand the stages of grief (one step forward, two steps backward), give each other the space and time you both need to grieve as individuals, journal your feelings, write her a letter, create an album for her, plant a tree...the best advice my counsellor gave me was to cry whenever I felt like crying. Don't stop yourself from doing this.

I hope both you and your wife visit again. We'd love to know your daughter's name and hear every raw emotion you are feeling.

Be kind to yourself,

Lynnette x

PS: Australia is a nice place to come to!!! ;)

Oh Hudson, I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful daughter.

Please feel free to share your grief with all of us. A burden shared is a burden lessened.

I am so so very sorry for the loose of your precious baby girl. My thoughts are with you and your wife, at this difficult time.

Be kind to yourselves, and never stop talking about your little girl. We would all love to hear more about her.

Hugs to you both.

So sad to hear of your loss.Best thing you can do is love and support each other though this sad time.:pray:

i'm so sorry to hear you're going through this - it's something no one should ever have to endure

my thoughts are with you, your wife, and your family at this time. there are some lovely ladies here on BB who've been through a similar journey who'll be able to offer you so much support Hudson - take care of yourselves, allow yourselves to grieve your precious little girl

hugs to you

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure you will find some comfort from this forum as many of us have. I have a work colleague who has just gone through something similar to what has happened to you (with just two weeks to go) and we are all so worried about him (and his wife) and what to say to him when he returns to work as none of us have dealt with such a late loss before. I hope you have good friends and family who will rally around you to give you the support you need, but if not, I know you will find it here.

Dear Hudsontheboxerdog,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious daughter. My daughter was also stillborn 5 months ago at 33 weeks. I know there is nothing that can said or done to make you or your wife feel any better, but honestly it does get a little easier with time.
Take care.

Dear Hudsontheboxerdog & wife,
Words can not express the sorrow I feel for you both, I wish I could help you take the empty feeling away. I will be thinking of you both as you grieve for your beautiful baby girl. Goodluck.
Hope xo

Dear Hudson

I am so sorry to hear of your beautiful girl - i know it is not fair and very hard to cope at this point in time. Time though does help - it has to. Make sure you have good support and talk to everyone and anyone about it. You might find people close to you don't know what to say and you may not get "the attention" you deserve. So don't be shy to talk about it (if you can) - i have found talking about it (personally i find it opens peoples eye up about what can happen) and i tell you it does help.

We lost our little boy on xmas night (15 hours after my waters broke i had a massive bleed). He was kicking all night until i got to the hospital (only 10 min) away and he was gone. The docs can't pinpoint what happened to us either (although we know "the bleed" killed him - but what was it we will never know...).

Treasure the moments you had with your daughter and if you have photo's show them off - you are still proud parents even if you don't have her in your arms.

A holiday is a fantastic idea - we escaped straight away (from the million phone calls etc) and it was the best thing we did, although very short and a very emotional time. Australia is a beautiful land - but don't come to Sydney until this monsoon stops - it is dreadful.

:hug: to yourself and your wife and your angel girl....(what is her name) ???

Hudson,

I am really sorry to hear that your little princess died. We lost our son three years ago and some days are still a struggle. There is not alot that I can say, certainly nothing that will ease your pain. I think Lynnette said everything beautifully. Talk about your baby girl to anyone who will listen, take one day at a time and be true to yourself and to your wife. It's the only way to get through this. Don't worry about the expectations of others. Do all that you need to do to honour your daughter and her little life.
I'll try to get my DH to come and give his perspective.

I am wishing you strength and peace as you walk your path.

:

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I'll try to get my DH to come and give his perspective.

---

Hi Hudson,

I'm kind of new here too, but as you can see, this is the right place to come to find people who will understand how you are feeling ... now and also later on.

One thing that sticks in my mind is how people's expectations of you can become a problem a few months down the track. Many people who have not experienced what you have will expect you to get on with things eventually. Unfortunately this expectation starts building waaay too soon.

No doubt its too early to for this, but if you sense it happening, it's important to set aside other's expectations and find people with a better understanding of the grief process. Often the best people are the ones that have travelled the same path.

I think you will find a lot of empathy here. It's important to share your thoughts and feelings with supportive people. Also focus on the important things: Family, relationships.

All the best.

Dave.

Dear HudsontheBoxerdog
thank you for sharing your daughter's story.You are still a daddy !

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter ,please share her name if you feel able.Yes,Lyn said it well.They all have.

I can only echo what previous people said and especially Dave -

:

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One thing that sticks in my mind is how people's expectations of you can become a problem a few months down the track. Many people who have not experienced what you have will expect you to get on with things eventually. Unfortunately this expectation starts building waaay too soon.

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especially for a man too.

Hold your wife tight and talk to each other too.Though you will grieve differently.Be patient with each other.

God bless you and give you both strength.Draw on your great personal strength as you continue this journey.It does get easier yes but some days it will seem like it happened yesterday.

It is hard for people to understand what we go through unless they experience it themselves.. Our lives seem to drag on slowly, while everyone else is going on as normal.. you feel cheated and cannot believe what has happened.. Why me?? wishing you can wake up, as if it were a bad dream.. but it isn't and we learn to live gracefully with only memories.

:heartbeat: Trish
"~♥~ DD Charlotte Rose 1/9/04 26wks ~♥~"

Thank you all for the very kind and inspiring words. People, such as myself, are fortunate to have such a caring place such as this forum.

And thank you for showing such a great interest in my daughter, her name is Elise. Her due date was expected April 30, though she was born April 15, 2007 (delivering two weeks early seems to be the norm on my wife's side of the family)
Needless to say, she was just amazingly beautiful...obviously she got more of my wife's looks than mine.
Upon having to deal with the funeral home rubbish and the whole cremation thing, I made her a photo album with lots of pictures of family, where my wife and I got married, and of course, a picture of the dog (which is my screen name Hudson)! Also included was a baby blanket, and most importantly, a letter of which both my wife and I wrote saying that we were sorry we couldn't hang out with her longer. But promised that when we meet up again, it'll be as if we were never separated to begin with.
She was wonderfully cute.

Luckily for me, my wife has always been my best friend. I couldn't imagine going through this with anyone else. She's a wonderful wife and friend.

And our names are Liz and Todd. I apologize that some thought my name was Hudson...that's my dog!

Thanks again for the wonderful support, you people are very generous and caring.

Best regards,

Todd

Hi Todd,

I've only suffered 1st-tri losses, but i have one daughter and i can only imagine the agony you and your brave wife must be suffering. I'm so sorry your beautiful daughter Elise had to go so soon.

I wanted to say to you that you weren't a daddy for a moment, you're a daddy now and will be forever. Being parents to a child that had to leave early is probably one of the most difficult things anyone can have to endure. It sounds from your posts that everything the two of you have done so far for your daughter (including coming here and sharing her life with us all) shows what wonderful parents you both are.

I agree with what others have said about taking your time to grieve. So many people expect bereaved parents to be dusting themselves off as if it had been an elderly relative they lost.

When a new baby comes into the world the lives of its parents and immediate family change FOREVER. It doesn't matter if that baby stays here for 38 weeks or 98 years. The impact is and should be forever. Though the pain of loss eases in time, the memory of your precious child will stay and yes, i think she'll be waiting for you both.

There are so many quuestions i know, and i don't have any answers why this should happen to you and your wife. In times like this i guess we all wish there was something we could say.

I don't know if you are religious people, i'm not particularly, but think that "Elise" means "God is satisfaction" or "Oath to God". Perhaps when she was done growing in the womb she was simply perfect, an oath fulfilled.

You are, all three of you, in my thoughts.

With love.

Hana

Todd,
Elise is a beautiful name.
Thank you for sharing. My DH (DBT) also wrote a letter and I think that it helped him alot to put everything down.
Take care,

Hudson,
My heart just breaks for you and your wife. Please know you are in my thoughts and prays and I hope over time the pain eases and the memory and your beautiful daughter makes you smile.
Take care

Todd (& Liz),

I am so sorry to hear about little Elise, I know only too well what you are going through. My husband and I lost our son Nicholas in September 2006 and to this day the pain is still raw however, you learn to live with the pain and get through life - something which I remember seemed impossible in the beginning - but the memories and sadness will never go, how could they?. The things you have done to honour Elise sound so beautiful and they are memories and items you will treasure more and more as the years go by.

It is so beautiful to hear you say that your wife is your best friend, it shows an amazing bond to feel that way. Sadly I think experiencing the loss of our children makes that bond even greater. Since we lost Nicholas I have thought alot about how I feel about my husband and he is THE only person I would want by my side on this journey, and I feel he is my only link to Nicholas and everytime I look at him I think about how beautiful he was. I think about how much closer we are and how much our love for each other has grown and I wonder if that is Nicholas' gift to us and maybe Elise has given you both the same gift.

Please remember you are and always will be Elise's Mummy and Daddy and she knows who you are. Remember she could hear every word you said during those 8 and 1/2 months, and she was there when you happily set up her nursery and found the gorgeous little outfits you bought for her, she was there when you talked to each other about all the plans you had for her future and she will be there in spirit to experience this painful journey with you. I am sure Elise wished she could have stayed longer to hang out with you but now she is watching over you both, up there with all the other angels taking great care of her.

You are both in my thoughts, take care of each other and your love will keep you strong.

Love Mel :hug:

Todd, I, thankfully have never experienced a loss of a child. The way you speak of both your wife and your beautiful little girl Elise is so loving.

I don' t think that there is anything I can add that the other girls and Dave hasn't already said.

I wish you and Liz all the best. Take strength in knowing your baby girl knows how very much you both love her.

I found this poem this morning and thought that I would share it with you.


Dear Daddy

Don't cry for me Daddy
I am right here
Although you can't see me
I can see your tears.

I visit you often
Go to work with you each day
And when it's time to close your eyes
On your pillows where I lay

I hold your hand and stroke your hair
And whisper in your ear
If you're sad today Daddy
Remember I am here

God took me home
This we know is true
But you will always be my Daddy
Even though I'm not with you

I am Daddy's little girl
We will never be apart
For every time you think of me
Please know I'm in your heart.

I Love you Daddy!
You're Baby Girl
(Author Unknown)

Oh Trish, that brought a tear to my eye... what a beautiful poem :hugs:

Todd & Liz
I am sitting hear with a heavy heart after hearing of your baby girl Elise's short journey hear on earth.


Why are some angels given thier wings so soon.

Todd and Liz, just wanted to say congratulations on becoming parents. You are parents to the most special baby there is, an angel baby. Elise is such a beautiful name, I am sure she was a beautiful as her name.
I did not have exactly the same circumstances, and I am on recently on this journey myself so I am not sure if I will be much help, but if you or liz want to talk to someone one on one having been through something similar, please feel free to email me at kr1slee@hotmail.com. If not, I totally understand.

Todd and Liz, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter Elise. My thoughts are with you both and your families. Your pain feels so familiar. We lost our precious son Cooper last November at 37 weeks. Although it is nearly 5 months since our beautiful boy was born, it still feels very raw. You need to take one day at a time, some will be good, some will be bad. It is an emotional roller-coaster that you are on, but with lots of support you will get through.

Your title says "A Dad for only a second". Please know that you are a dad to Elise forever. Although your daughter grew her wings, she is still your daughter and you are still a dad.

Big hugs to you both, take care and best wishes.

luv & hugs
Lynn

You are more than welcome to write to us.
I am so very sorry for your tragic loss.
I am sending big hugs to you and your wife.
Australia, especially Adelaide is lovely. A holiday could be just what the doctor ordered.
:hug::heartbeat:

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby that is so sad. I will be thinking of you both as you grieve for your baby girl. Goodluck.

Im so sorry for the loss of your precious DD. Life is so heart breaking when we loose our loved ones. We are all here for you no matter where in the world u are. *hugs*

I'm very sorry to hear. I don't have any answers since I still have no answers for our loss. Not as long as you and your wife, but at three months the heart had stopped beating on our little baby. As I have recounted in other threads, it was hard enough to watch my wife go through everything and I guess I had to deal with it a bit but watching my youngest at the time, that crushed my heart more than anything I think. My wife typically has M/C prior to each successful PG. So on top of our 3 month loss, we have had at least 3 other M/C with some suspicion that the number may be higher still.

Anyhow, I am sorry for your family's loss. You are welcome and I would to and I would encourage you to continue visiting BellyBelly. Don't worry about being from the states (I am too), these folks are great and usually many have been through what ever it is you are going through as well.

Words can't express how you must be feeling.....sending you all our love

You get heaps of support from BB as everyone here is a fantastic supportive family.

That's really awful news...Please take care of yourselves during this hard time, and know that one day, the sun will shine again.

Hudson

i am so sorry to hear of the loss fo your beautiful baby girl the pain and hurt you must be going through is awful words cant describe it. i lost my beautiful baby girl at 23 weeks and me and my hubby were the same we thought why us its just not fair we fell pregnant on our wedding day so we were so happy we dont smoke or do drugs or drink that much either and it is hard. its almost a yr on for me and i am still griving now my hubby deals with it so different he finds it hard to let go and show his emotions thats why it was nice to read a mans point of veiw on things. i really hope you and your wife support one another and talk to each other about what you are feeling my heart goes out to you both and remember you are both still parents and dont let anyone else tell you otherwise. and as from being from the states that does not matter at all i am from england and everyone here is great take care of yourself and your wife :hugs: to you both.

Munchy xxx