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...they have no partner?
I understand IVF is expensive, and for the past few weeks, I honestly thought I was pregnant, but it seems to be turning out I'm actually not, and its hit me like a slap in the face. I HAD a partner until all of this started, and I had decided that with or without him, I wanted to have a baby, but now it looks like that isn't my reality.
What could I do?
I do remember one of my sisters lesbian friends, she and her girlfriend actually went and found a donor who jerked into a cup at their place, and then they injected the sperm into her with a baster!!!
I wouldn't care how I would have to go about it, I just... I've actually wanted for a long time to be a mum, and for this to turn out not to be a pregnancy has really shattered me and I keep breaking down and crying.
I was SO hoping I was pregnant, and hoping it would happen, and be all good, and that maybe I could give birth to a little girl, one day...
What's the rush Natalia? How old are you? I would never deliberately bring a child into this world without a partner. Kids are hard work and it's far easier when there are two of you to look after them, otherwise you will need support from family and friends. I'm not meaning to be judgemental here, but unless you are over 40 I don't see why you would be rushing into this alone.
Be very careful about getting your own donor. You can't take someone's word that they don't have HIV or Hepatitis or an STD and that would be a sure way of picking one up. It's also not fair to have a child that will not get to know it's father.
If you are only in your twenties or thirties please try not to rush into this, there is still plenty of time for you to have a successful relationship and then bring a child in to that.
I know it's incredibly hard when you think you've been pregnant & then it turns out that you are not, but that doesn't mean you have to rush into TTC to make up for that emptiness that you are now feeling. It will go away in time.
I have to agree with Satya, You have to think very carfaully about taking this on alone and what support you will have around you, and how they might react to your descion.
I suggest you talk to a GP, or someone from your local (NSW) family planning clinic, EG: FPWA (family planning of Western Australia).
I think you should talk to some one you can trust and who's opinion you value, or you could find a GP or a psychologist who might be able to offer some advice and work through these feelings of loss with you.
You need to be sure you are doing this for the right reasons and be 100% confident this is the right descion for you.
I hope you find some answers.
I actually remember, when I was twelve years old, I was sitting with my mother one day and I said "Mum, one day, I'm going to have a daughter... and her name is going to be Kathleen."
it was very sudden and out of the blue, and she questioned me about it, asking why I chose Kathleen... I didn't know why then and I don't know why now... All I know is, that every single day of my life that goes by, and I'm not holding my daughter named Kathleen because she doesn't exist, the more my heart breaks.
I'm actually scared too, because I've always had really a really weird menstrual cycle, and in a 7 year relationship which has endured a lot of unprotected sex, this was the first possible pregnancy I've ever had. I'm worried I might not even be able to have children at a later date in life.
Regardless of whether you're TTC or not maybe you should get your cycles checked out. Just so that when the day comes you're ready.
Yeah, i agree with Dach, a long time without contraception could be enough for your doctor to run a few checks, make sure it's all working, and that'd be a good thing to find out before TTC, however you plan to do it, as it means you'll be able to start pregnancy knowing everything is fine.
This is only my opinion Natalia, and believe me, i really understand how it feels to long for a baby, but i'm a single mum and i urge you to think VERY VERY hard before you volunteer for this. It is rewarding, yes. I wouldn't change DD being here, no. But it is hard, relentless, grinding, lonely work and that is WITH an XP who is involved and helpful and good mates with me. Without him i think i would be medically depressed. I'm serious. If you are under 35 i think the testing would be more important than the ttc without partner, but again, this is only IMO. Part of being a loving mother is making good decisions for your children. WHat if you get pregnant and it was a boy? NOt a "kathleen" at all..? And even if Kathleen is who you get, wouldn't you rather she had a stable family to come into? I really hope i'm not offending anyone, that is not my intention. But i didn't forsee this situation i'm in when i fell pregnant and if i had it would have scared the hell out of me.
Hana
hoobley, I was just looking at your totsite for your little girl, Esme... she's absolutely beautiful!!!
Natalia you have a 50/50 chance of having a boy so if you are only hoping to have a girl I would give the whole ttc thing a miss. You can't choose what sex your baby will be and I feel you will be very disappointed if the baby turns out to be a boy.
I have years of infertility behind me, two miscarriages and my time is running out. I dream of having a child - male or female - hopefully a healthy one, and there's no guarantees on that either - yet I still would not consider doing this alone as I know how much hard work a child can be.
We have my step daughter for a few days at a time and bringing up a child even part time is full of challenges. They are not always angels, they have minds of their own and act in ways you wish they wouldn't.... and they cost a heap of money. We pay for childcare & clothes & toys, swimming lessons .... the list goes on. Yes there are heaps of rewards but it is not the fantasy that you have in your head.
Think very seriously before you go any further with this & do not put your life at risk by using an aquaintance as a donor.
I don't know why people go around assuming that I have some cotton candy fantasy in my head of having some perfect little darling because that's not the case.
My sister gave birth to her first child at age 16, and I was only 10, but spent most of my time when I was home from school taking care of her for my sister. Changing her diapers, and even feeding her. My sister suffered from post-partum depression and wouldn't even go near her own daughter. She also couldn't stand the smell of her daughters poopy nappies, and I was constantly changing disgustingly green, poopy nappies because my sister couldn't do it herself.
She's since had 2 more kids, both boys, one who has ADHD, and I have looked after them too. I've been around kids my entire life, caring for them and babysitting... I know how hard it can be. My cousin recently had a child and she HAS a partner who spends much of his time in another state because of his work, he is a traveling workman, and he's also a jerk. When he comes home from work, the first thing he does, after a week away, is make plans with his mates to go out for the weekend. I've spent many a long day helping my cousin care for her son and consoling her because she wishes he wasn't such a jerk. So don't go making assumptions, I know how hard it can be to look after a child on your own, but having a partner doesn't necessarily mean its going to be any better than not having one.
The only partner I've ever had, is a whacko, who after being in a relationship with me for 7 years, says he loves me, but doesn't want to get married, or have kids. He's completely selfish a lot of the time, and despite how often I've given good reasons for getting married, he doesn't think that's what his life is calling him to do and doesn't think he should be married. I think he's full of excuses, but I'm not a gorgeous girl, nor am I thin or lovely, and I'm too scared to go and look for someone else because I've already dealt with so much rejection in my life, not just from guys but from girls. The only friends I have are friends I made in high school or church, I seem to be found to be the person who just, isn't someone that people want as a friend, let alone guys wanting as a boyfriend.
If you feel this strongly about TTC perhaps you really should get your cycles checked out, you need to start at your GP who could refer you to a FS and they will probably have councillers to speak to to help you make a decision and sort thru some things.
Good luck and I hope you work out what it is you want and what will make you happy.
I left my ex as he did not want the same things I wanted (children/ marriage etc...) his excuse was he was a selfish person.
I didn't think it would be fair for me to wait and hope he might change his mind ( I had already given him an extra year as he indicated it might change) and it would have been wrong of me to accidently fall pregnant. It ended fairly amicably.
Luckliy I' fairly confident and thought well his loss is someone elses gain.
Lacking in confidence makes it difficult to get out there and meet new people, not to mention how hard it is being single after a long term relationship.The more people you meet, the higher the chances of meeting someone who you are compatable with. You will also find as you and the people around you grow older thier priorities change.
You seem to acknowledge that child rearing is not a walk in the park, you have the desire and determination. You are making constructive moves by asking questions, though the answers might not be what you want to hear. Do your research, find out your options, don't forget adoption (though as pricey as IVF) and get your cycles checked out.
Good luck
Natalia, I say go for it. It is strange - you are a single woman wanting a child and yet your motices are questioned, but I often see posts on this site with women who are (IMO) very young expressing a desire to have children and getting heaps of messages of support, or women who are in shaky relationships who want kids and get told that if they want to have a baby they should go for it. Yes it is ideal to be in a long term supportive relationship, etc etc but not everyone has that.
As far as I am aware IVF is an option for single women in NSW, but you would have to check with a local clinic.
I think you are looking at having a child for the wrong reasons. Firstly you imagine it as a girl.... as I pointed out there is a 50/50 chance it will be a boy. Would you keep having babies until your dream girl comes along? Secondly, you state that you don't want to deal with the rejection of finding a new partner with whom to start a family with.
We all have to deal with rejection in life... it is part of life. I too found it hard to get back out on the dating scene in my late 30's but I did it. I'm a size 16/18 so I know that the guys look at the young thin ones, but I still managed to find myself a man. He loves me to death.... and he is much younger than me. We are now living together, engaged and ttc..... something I thought impossible just over two years ago..... so there is always hope.
I can certainly understand women nearing 40 who would make this kind of decision as time is running out, but not if you are still young.... and I think I saw in another post that you are only mid twenties. Ater having a child your dating options get reduced somewhat (many men don't date women with kids) - all my single mum friends will attest to that, so your chances of finding a partner are far better now than afterwards (sorry if that offends any single mums out there, but us big girls get less dates too).
Anyway, I'd just say think very carefully about it.
Thanks Natalia, she is my lovely ladychops :)
I guess it was difficult to get the full picture as your posts had been quite short. I too spent a lot of time looking after other kids before i had my DD (from about age 14 onwards, so for more than a decade) and i can definately say it is different when it's your own and there's no-one (like you for your sister) to hand them too. But it does sound like you have a reasonable idea of what it's like running about crazy after kids. One of the hardest things i think about parenting is accepting it is your job, your duty, your responsibility to give your child love, but not your right to expect it back. You do get it back, if you're lucky, but you can't expect it.
That said, there are NO rules about what makes a good mother. Lots of people judge me because i'm a single mum, a SAHM, on benefits etc. but i'm raising my DD how i think she should be, whatever that means for me.
But i did want to tell you that no matter what size you are, or whoever's told you you're not pretty (grrr! Who says that!?) there is someone out there for you. You DESERVE to be loved sweetheart, and you have a right to demand it. Your ex sounds like a jerk, you are well-rid (my ex stated that he was too selfish to be a parent, though he supported me when i had a surprise BFP - guess what - he was RIGHT! He's grown up a lot now, and tries very hard, but it was still not enough to keep us together...). You deserve a loving partner, don't knock yourself of believe people who tell you you're not worth the stars. THey know nothing.
H
Hun, from what you've posted you do worry me - it's not your desire for a child, or for a girl, but for your self esteem. You are probably aware that children follow the patterns their parents show them. If you believe you are unlovable, your daughter will grow up knowing she should accept second-best. Think first what you want for your daughter's future and work on that before you get to work on having a child.
And guys don't look at the young, thin ones - they look at the ones with the large chests. I've been rejected and passed over many times because of my figure, but hey, if men were all the same in what they liked then most of us would be without them!
Natalie, I have read your story and really feel for you love. My main concern is that you say that you have been there to look after you sister's kids and your cousins kids, but who on earth is going to help you when you need help?
Please, you really need to contact a counselor about this issue that seems to be affecting you every waking moment.
You may think we are not helping you with some of the negativity at the moment, but we really are here to help you.
Take care. xx
Natalia
Have you thought about adoption? There are so many babies with special needs out there needing someone to love them...and they are so rewarding. Hard work but so very rewarding!
I agree with Rory, I cant see why people are so strong in voicing their disapproval. There are many mums out there that dont want the children they have, many couples who dont parent the children they have.
If you honestly want a child because you want to be a mother (not simply because you need someone) and have carefully considered all the consqeunce of your decision and you are still happy and determined to do it - then I dont see it as a problem.
Good Luck.