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Hiya Everyone,
Just after anyones ideas/thoughs on only having one child.
Do you think its bad to just have one, do you think its "cruel" to the child. Were you an only child or do you have only one child? Do you have any experiences to share?
Do you think a bigger age gap, like say 4-5-6 years is just as lonely IYKWIM?
ok we have an adopted son and for 11 years he was our only child (though he has half birth siblings IYKWIM older and not in real contact).
We did have an option to adopt a second child when he was about three but we decided not to greedy (and let someone with none have a chance)
We were quite prepared that he might be are only child and comfortable with that. Not that we thought we had a choice at that time to have our own. So I think it wasn't cruel at any time to make the decision for him to be an only child.
We made extra allowances for him - lots of play dates / playgroups x 2 and other activities - .kindegym Little A's, swimming, cousins and later overnight stays with friends at home and their place - so he had lots of company.
Some people not knowing he was adopted would always ask the Q's - about more kids but we always have an answer depending on who asked.
I know several people who for various reasons decided or could only have one child and all the kids are happy ...as far as I know. DS didn't seem to mind.
It isn't for anyone else to judge or question you. You can change your mind whenever if you chose.
Later, we had our DD (stillborn) when our Ds was 11 , then decided to go IVF he was 13 when his brothers were born. He enjoys them and has a much different relationship than if they were close in age. They adore him and their older cousins.So age gap doesn't matter if it is what you want. Just different.
My Dh has sisters 6 yr and 9 yr older - him being a lot younger than his sisters ~ he almost had three mothers IYKWIM and they doted on him.
I was older sister and I would quite happily have given my younger brother & sister away many times ;)
I don't think it's cruel, but only children can get lonely (that's not to say they'll have a wonderful, rewarding life though).
My cousin was quite happy being an only child and from what I gather, her parents had very little trouble with her growing up as they were so close. She's happily married now and hasn't suffered at all that I know of.
I also had a friend growing up who was an only child and she hated it. She always wanted to go to my house as I had three other siblings and she loved the noise and the activity that went on in our house! I would gladly have given my brothers and sister away, just like Trish!
My DD#1 was an only child for 9 years, thanks to my marriage breakdown with her father. She was constantly at me about having a brother or sister - it's something she always wanted and something I knew I'd give to her - eventually! When I met DH, it didn't take her long to nag us to get married so we could have a baby!
She's now a very happy, doting big sister and having the age gap is actually quite nice for all of us, as she's able to lift the load on me a bit and makes her own lunch for school and stuff, saving me having to do it. She also looks after Bella while I'm cooking or hanging out washing or whatever.
So I think there's good and bad for any decision you make - you just need to choose what's best for you, and that decision may or may not change in the future. Don't listen to what anyone else says!
I am an only child too due to my mother having a brain tumour that they only found when she was pregnant with me.
I pretty much had everything bought for me and was spoilt. My parents were able to pay off their house in 10 years and have owned everything since I was 8 (im 27 this year). I was actually dead set on only having one child too. Then my mum died last year. It was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo lonely. My dad is useless and my mum did everything for him. My dad also went into shock after she died and couldnt think straight (as u would) so I was left to plan a funeral and a wake by myself, figure out all their bills and u know make all the important decisions. It would have been nice to have someone to help with all that (all my relos live in Sydney and we are in Brisbane). We now have had to move in with dad and put our lives on hold to get him sorted.
After this happened I said to my husband that I couldnt have anymore kids cos my mum wasnt around but then I got to thinking that I dont want my daughter to have to do all this by herself. Now Im pregnant with my second.
There are 2 ways of looking at this too though. I explained this to my sister-in-law and she said that even though she has a brother (my husband) he is gonna be pretty useless too cos he will no make decisions and she will be left doing everything (she right Ive married someone exactly like my father). She said she would want to make all the decisions about that sort of stuff anyway cos thats the sort of person she is.
My cousin just had her second child almost 7 years after her first. She said to me its like starting all over again cos u forget what it was like and stuff (and u get rid of most of your baby stuff or it becomes too old). She loves the age gap and come to think of it I think I would too. Her eldest son can tell her whats wrong, remind her of stuff, help out around the house. I think this is fantastic. I also have a close friend that is getting married this weekend and all her sisters are over 30 (she is 23) and they have a wonderful relationship. Some people might say that the gap is bad but I thinks its tops. Even though they might not have much in common when they are younger, they still look out for each other and they still play together (and u have a live in baby sitter when they come of age heheheheheh oh that was mean wasnt it).
Ohh I forgot to mention 2 things.
1 negative thing is u always always always get the blame for everything when your an only child.
1 positive thing is when your parents do pass away u get everything. No fighting with siblings over things (very morbid thing to say but its the truth and even my mum used to say that she found great comfort in knowing that when they died I would be able to pay everything off and be debt free with heaps left over).
little sprocket our DS (13) is waiting for the little ones to be old enough to blame them for all the things we blame him for ;)
Hi Emz :)
I had an only child for 11 years... I swore I would never do it again!! LOL So when I had my next one I was sure to ttc soon afterwards.
Anyway being a very younf single mother it was very tough having an only child, she would demand your attention all the time. When I finally met DP she was veeeery jelous! Still is and we've been together for a few years now.
Anyway, I just think it is easier on the mother and the child when there is more than one :)
Tanya
Emz the choose is yours there are pro & con for everything, do what suits you. I have had freinds who only child, who keep saying you cannot have just one it to cruel. I think it depends the environment and the personality of the child.
Having said that I am planning on trying for 2# soon, so they will be close together. Mainly so they are freinds (hopfully), keep each other company and so I can go back to work full time (school hours) when they are in school.
Hi,
I thought 2-3 years ago that my DD would be an only child and in a way i guess she still is (nearly a 13 year age gap!) I dont think its cruel in any way - sometimes this is just the way things work out. I was actually talking to a friend about this the other day, she has a 7 month old and doesnt want another but feels guilty for her DD being lonley. I found with my first DD, she would go and amuse herself (and still does), i was able to buy her alot more things, she spent more time with my parents (we lived there for a couple of years and they just adore her). There were times i felt sorry for her being a only child (i had 2 brothers and 1 sister). I think its completly up to each couple in how many (or even if) children they have. In saying that, i really dont want Emily to be alone, we'll have another planned for when she's around 2.
I used to think it was cruel to only have one child, but there are numerous circumstances that people need to consider, such as some people can't have another child or they might not want to have another one etc.... To say that to someone is cruel in itself.
I have an older sister by about 18 mths and whilst we fought like anything when we were younger, we are such great friends now, she is probably my best friend. There is a 7 year age gap btw my brother and myself and I think he grew up almost like an only child, probably being the only boy and for example when he was say 7, I was 15 and hanging out with my friends and didn't want my little brother hanging around IYKWIM. It is different now, all us siblings are really close, but I also think that is b/c of the values that my mum & dad bought us up on and we did heaps of things together as a family and with our extended family (grandparents, cousins etc....)
My DH was an only child (due to terrible circumstances), his dad remarried and now he has got 4 half brothers and 4 half sisters and he thinks it is great (the youngest is 8). Growing up he always was hanging out with mates, so he was never lonely.
I can only answer this bit :) My bro is 5 yrs older than me. I wouldn't say it was lonely, but we certianly didn't really play well together in the younger years. It's only as we grew up through the teenage years that we got close. There was lots of fighting, and he was a typical horrible big brother teasing me etc. So we decided to have our kids close together. Having said that, a friend of mine said her and her sister are 18months apart, and are like chalk & cheese.. so a close age gap doesn't guarantee great mates either!:
But everyone's situation gives them a different view on things. DH doesn't want 2 boys, because he grew up with just him and his brother, and he wants Tallon to have a sister so he can learn about girls hehe. Others will tell you that it's fantastic having only boys.
So it really is each to their own. Kids will always find something to complain about, whether it's that they wish they had a brother, or a sister, or none at all. We often don't appreciate family until we've matured a bit.
You'll know if the time is right to go for another... try not to take people's comments to heart.. it's just how they perceive that kind of family.. and everyone feels differently about it.
My best friend has an only child...not by choice..its just he way its panned out and he has been a lonely little boy. Hes now 12. He has cousins that live close by but its never been the same for him and while he has mum's undivided attention, that seems to get kind of old when you are his age. I would never say its wrong or cruel, i just know its not for me. I love the way siblings interact, share and care about each other. I love that they can grow up together and always have each other to depend on. I love the giggles and whispers during the night when Emmy and Livvy (who share a room) are supposed to be asleep. Sure they all have their moments but I wouldnt swap it for the world.
Jo
Hi Em,
I am an only child and i love it! I loved it when i was little more though because my mum and I did everything together (i've never met my dad, or seen a photo) so it was just mum and I, and we were best friends... we are still very very close now. I don't have any cousins, only my mums parents, and one aunty. Small family huh!
I loved playing by myself and not having to share my toys with anyone and i was pretty spoiled too! I would recommend having an only child if that's what you want to do. I personally would like to have 2-3 children but i think that's because DP has 3 brothers and he wants lots of kids! There are lots of positive things to being an only child and having an only child. And i never ever once felt lonely! And you've always got school friends to play with, or kids in your neighbourhood.
Good luck with whatever you decide! And try not to listen to those judgmental people! It's not cruel at all! It's a blessing to have children, even if its just one lucky one!
It's your choice of course but I'll just tell you about my family. I have 3 younger brothers and I loved it (although I did always want a sister). But we always played together and were never bored. And plus when my parents split up we all had eachother, i imagine it would have been much worse if I was on my own. Even now when they're older I love seeing how they're such good friends and although they fight as they always have you can see how much they love eachother and I think it's just so special.
Personally, I would want to have as many kids as I can! lol. I want a big family. But really everyone wants different things and you shouldn't feel bad about whatever you choose to do because it will be the best thing FOR YOU!!
I wasnt an only child but my sister was for 10.5 years before i came along.. she loved it...but loved it when i came too....
I personally could never have only 1 child...nor could i have much of an age gap, hence why theres only going to be about 6 weeks between my 2 babies now. I think its a shame for kids not to have someone to grow up with...
DH has 5 years between him and his brother (though fertility troubles) and he feels like an only child. Neither of us are close to our siblings. I'd happily be an only child! You can grow up close to your cousins. Having said that, I do want to have a good many children (I'd love 6, but will settle for 3, don't want to stop at 1 or 2 if I can help it!) but that's because I come from a large family and want that for my children and grandchildren when they're older, it's so nice to have so many cousins and people with whom to play if you are an only or you dislike your sibling.
My mum is one of four (was one of five) but is still the only one looking after my grandfather. Yes, she can rope in one of the others if she wants a holiday, but it's still roping someone in and her siblings don't necessarily do everything - they may take him to the shops, but not sort out his pill box, for example. So a large family doesn't mean that you can share the load when parents are old necessarily.
I think being an only child has it ups and downs like having siblings has its ups and downs. U are never really going to have that perfect balance. I dont regret being an only child either. I think it was fantastic. Im a very independent person now and very determined. This is what helped me be able to cope with absolutely everything with my mums passing.
I wasnt anti social at school cos I was an only child or anything. I had heaps and heaps of friends and was in the popular group as well. I adapted to other groups as well and changed groups (sorry thought u might want to know about how an only child as myself adapted to social experiences).
I find these days its not just medical reasons that stop u from having more than one child too. Its financial as well and the way everything is going up in price at the moment, its only going to get worse. Im pregnant with my second and I have absolutely no idea how we are going to afford it (Daycare is $360 a week for 2 for us).
I guess if u can and u want to go ahead and if u cant or u dont want to dont do it.
:
Do you think a bigger age gap, like say 4-5-6 years is just as lonely IYKWIM?
I can only answer this bit, and only from my mums experience.
She has a 6 year age gap between her older sister and herself, and a 4 year age gap for her older brother.
she said she never really associated much with her sister at all, cos she was alyways busy studying and doing "her stuff", and they didni't really have much in common growing up. they are a lot closer now though.
She was much closer to her brother, and his wild adventures probably influencde her in being a bit of a tomboy.
We are "planning", as much as you can plan these things, a 2-3 year age gap between DS and number 2.
A friend of mine is trying to figure out whether to have another child or not, so she surveyed the people at work who have no siblings. One said, "I'm an only child and I'm fine." The other said, "Don't do it! I was so lonely!" So everyone has their own different experiences growing up.
Another thing about only children (sorry, it's a little on the negative side) is that a friend is an only child. Both of her parents passed away in the space of a year (before she was 40). Yes, she ended up with the house, but she doesn't really have any other relatives, only one or two distant cousins, so it was, and is really hard for her.
With the large age gap between siblings, my aunty is 8 years older than my mum. It's only the two of them, there aren't any other siblings. My aunty actually chose my mum's name and she helped raise my mum. Now, they are so close, they're inseparable. My aunty is like another mum, and I've always been close to my cousins.
One last thing, my sister and I are 3 years apart. No other siblings. Yes, we did fight growing up, but now we are really close. I think seeing my mum and my aunty's close relationship really helped.
My dad had 2 brothers and a sister and he's not half as close to them as my mum is with her sister!
Sorry for the novel, but I hope this helps!!
Jess
Me 26 DH 26
DD Charlotte Daisy 4 months
Thanks for the replies everyone, they have really helped me see the good and the bad side of both options.... :)
Hi Emz - My husband and I have just had our baby. We have always planned to only have one and honestly no matter what anyone says, that is not changing. We have very strong beliefs about this and get the cruel comments. We wont be swayed but do realise that we need to make sure he gets enough interaction. Good luck!
Hi Emz - interesting thread! Iam an only child and was very definite that i didn't want my child to be one too. I've 2 now and really want another, we'll just have to wait and see. I found it very lonely in my childhood and although i was materialistically spoiled my parents weren't that into me (I think i have "accident" stamped on my forehead even though my mum swears i wasn't... but they had been married 9 years!). I don't think 'cruel' is the right word but then i wouldn't say it was 'ideal' to be an only child. I think everyone has a right to chose without judgment on how many kids they have. I had this conversation with a work friend of my DH around a year ago and she was completely the opposite in that she was the youngest of 3 and was so sick of all the fighting that she only had one child, I guess it all hinges on the individual's experiences as there's quite a few earlier posts where people have really liked being only children.
All the best in whatever you decide.
Julie x