Writing this is harder than I expected
When I fell pregnant this time, just as we moved into this house at the start of April, I started coming to these boards, and I saw this area. I toyed with the idea of going to the 'pregnancy after miscarriage/loss' board, but decided not to. 'I'm going to be positive, this one is the one. This little star is staying, and is going to be born on his daddy's birthday'.
I still can't quite believe I'm here, here again in a way. Our first baby should have been born in May, 2006, but unfortunately, didn't stay with us for more than 6 weeks. The miscarriage took care of itself, and by the time I got to hospital, it was all gone. We both knew..you see that amount of blood, and a dark little 'something'..and you know.
But this one, this one was going to be our Christmas baby, our little Aurora or Nate. We weren't trying for a baby, and this one was conceived in the most unsuitable position for fertility, but there he was. My period was late, by three days, when we did the groceries, so we bought a cheap HPT, just in case..and when it showed up positive, it was almost an anti-climax. I walked downstairs..'I'm pregnant..' DH nodded and smiled..we both knew..this baby just felt so right. This baby was meant to be.
We calculated the due date..December 24th, Christmas Eve. We went to the doctor, who was wonderful. So friendly, full of congratulations and ordered a whole round of blood tests to make sure everything was okay. Every single test came back perfect. Everything was perfect, our families were happy, my MIL sent us some bibs, I was taking the right tablets, improved my diet, we had it all planned and it was all perfect.
Except at 6 weeks I started having cramps. Still, that can be normal, lots of women have cramps when pregnant. Went to the doctor at 7 weeks, told him I'd had cramps and a little spotting. 'Don't worry' he says, 'Just rest and keep your fluids up.' He seemed so confident, it made us confident. This star was sticking. He referred me onto pregnancy care, to take care of me and the baby until term. We made our first appointment, June 7th, we'd get our first ultrasound, our first look at our baby, first time to hear the heartbeat, which I had read would sound just like tiny horses galloping quickly.
10 weeks comes around, and things change. My morning sickness is gone, I'm not tired, my breasts don't hurt. 'This could be normal' I tell myself, 'Lots of women find their symptoms go away around 10 weeks, lucky me, my morning sickness is over. After all, I've never been this far along before, must be normal for me.' The next day, my panty liner seems to be soaked with dark pink water, and my spotting is heavier. We're worried now. I ring pregnancy care, 'There's nothing we can do for you' they say, 'If you're worried, go to the emergency department.'
That made me angry..they call themselves care providers? Still..it's only a week till the ultrasound, just wait till then, and all will be well. Just wait till next Thursday, and you'll see. But on Friday evening, I'm bleeding. I'm not spotting, I'm bleeding and we both just know, again. The little star hasn't stuck. We know, but we keep hoping anyway..just in case. We don't want to give up on our baby. After a few hours' wait in emergency, they take me through. They take blood, ask lots of questions, eventually a doctor comes and feel my tummy, tries to find a heartbeat which should be easy at 10 weeks. But there isn't one. She tells us the baby has died, but books us in for an ultrasound in the morning, just in case..just in case. And we hold onto that just in case.
Next morning, internal ultrasound...the ultrasonographer is lovely...but says nothing. Doens't tell us she can't find a heartbeat. Takes lots of pictures, points out the baby to us, and we can see..tiny baby, tiny star..little paddles for hands and feet. Eventually, another doctor comes and tells us there was no heartbeat...I can either wait for it to miscarry naturally, or have a D&C. I just want it over...we book for a D&C 8am Monday morning.
Sunday evening, having dinner at my parents' house. I have cramped for weeks now, but this is worse. This is sharp and constant..I must sit on the toilet. Nothing else will relieve it. I can feel 'something' and when I stand up and look, I see our baby at the bottom of the toilet. I can't let it stay there, that's our baby, that is not waste. DH comes in and we snap at each other through stress and grief as we get our baby out, and safely wrapped up in cotton wool to take to the hospital. We look at our baby, we love it..we can see a straight, perfect backbone, beautiful dark red blood vessels, the paddles...We go straight there, but I'm still bleeding.
It hurts so much I cry out in the waiting room, and am shivering. They are having their busiest night in emergency for months, there's no room for me to go through, but a nurse takes pity on me and takes us through to the plastering room, with a bed, a closed door, and lots of pads and warm blankets. The privacy is so welcome. The pain I felt at that time is like nothing before..I pant and I moan, my DH is frightened and can't help me. Just holds me hands and breathes deeply with me, tells me he loves me. I bleed so much that it drips onto the floor, it just runs out, and it's two hours before anyone sees me.
I am taken to an emergency bay, where I continue to bleed, but at least the cramping is not so bad now. A series of nurses all come to me, uncomfortable because I've been there so long and there is no doctor. They all ask me the same questions, 'How far along?' 'Blood group?' 'How is your pain?' 'It won't be long now, he's on his way' Then one nurse comes, and I will always remember her face. She looks at me and says, 'Do you think you might have been pregnant?'
DH it just stunned, can't speak. I somehow maintain myself and calmly respond with the appropriate information.
Eventually doctor comes, has a student with him, speaks to the student only, telling the stdent what they will do to encourage 'the body' to 'expel the remaining product'. Doctor then leaves, leaving me in the capable care of the student. This turns out to be the best thing that Doctor ever does for me. The student, who I later discover is called Dr Rajit (a name I will always remember), comes over, sits with us and explains everything, apologises for the use of the term 'product', and from then on calls our baby 'your baby'.
5 tablets are pushed inside my cervix, but no more cramps come. If I can expel everything overnight, no need for D&C in the morning. I get a canula in my hand, and painkillers, but can eat or drink nothing in case of emergency surgery. I'm told the baby died at 7.5 weeks. 3 weeks our baby was dead. I felt something was wrong, I tried to tell the people who were meant to be looking after us, and no one listened. I feel let down. I carried the baby, dead, for three weeks. I still love that baby so much. That brilliant white spine and perfect tiny paddles.
They take me to Ward One, another girl is in the room with me, with exactly the same 'problem' and treatment. We barely speak, but empathise with each other silently. At 1:30am, there is a blackout. DH must go home due to safety reasons. I'm surprised I haven't cried, and somehow I sleep.
In the morning, another ultrasound..still far too much 'product', must have surgery. DH comes as far as he can with me..and when I need to leave him behind, I start to cry. 'I'm frightened', I tell the nurse, and she strokes my forehead, 'I know love..it'll be fine, I'll wait for you.' They wheel me into prep and I can see the round windows of the theatre. Dr Rajit looks through the windows, smiles gently and waves to me. I feel better..I know Dr Rajit will look after me and our baby, I can trust him.
Into theatre, something lovely into my arm to make me feel like a sleep and a slender red headed woman puts the gask mask over my nose. 'Deep breaths' She looks into my eyes as I breathe. I think 'I've taken four breaths..this isn't working...' And the next thing I know, I wake up with a woman saying 'Okay sweetheart, it's time to wake up now.' I'm so excited to be alive. The nurse has to ask me to be quiet, and when I don't, she gives me two shots of morphine for the pain, and to make me snoozy. It works, and I feel lovely and dreamy, just like being contentedly drunk. I feel my abdomen..no bandages, no stitches..it must have all gone fine.
When they wheel me out again, Dh is standing right there, at the door where I had to leave him. He stood there for two hours, waiting. I love him so much at that moment.
That night, I go home, we have KFC and don't talk about it, but we've talked about it a lot since then. I've cried and cried, DH has coped in his own way, and held me and assured me we will have children one day. We will need to buy an apple tree now, to go with the mandarin tree we bought for our first baby. Mandarin and Apple. We never thought this would be us. I tell myself I know I can survive this, I survived and felt like myself again after we lost Mandarin..I will with Apple as well.
And so I'm here. Eyeing off the 'pregnancy after miscarriage/loss' threads, and hoping I'll be there one day. Hoping I'll make it past 12 weeks, to 40 weeks. Everytime I see a dark haired baby with curly locks and blue eyes...'That's meant to be our baby..that's how our baby would look, what a beautiful child.' We look at each other and smile, we both think the same thing when we see a child like that. We don't know what we'll do if we never have a baby..except we'll have an orchard.
My apologies that this is so long. I've been wanting to get all of this out, explain it all. Thankyou for the opportunity to express myself.
Lisa xx
