Husband "squeamish"

We had an antenatal class last week and were asked to write down a word or phrase to describe labour and birth. We then had to swap paper with the others, so that noone knew what each other had written. On the way home I asked DH what he had written and he wouldn't tell me! After a lot of prompting, I guessed that he had written "squeamish".

During the antenatal classes, this was made light of a bit and the midwife said that she hadn't had any blokes faint during labour and birth, but had done in the classroom! But, I do think this could be a problem for my DH. He is not good with blood, or anything like that and faints when having needles.

He has asked why would he want to see me in pain and I don't think he is going to be as much of a support as I had hoped.

I only want him around as my support (no other family or a doula) and am confident that my midwife will be able to help me through and that I can do enough by myself. It's just that I would really like him to be able to enjoy the journey to birth and not have it be an horrific event for him- I want him to be able to remember it as something special.

I am going to bring it up at my next antenatal appointment. He doesn't want to talk about it with me much and I'm not sure what else I can do??

Maybe he is just unsure as to exactly what his role will be at the birth? He can always stay away from the business end of things and if he doesn't want to cut the cord, then he doesn't have to do that either (if he thinks it is 'expected' of him).

Check out these articles on the main BB site and give them to him to read
Ten tips on being a great support person
and
Men at birth by David Vernon, he is a regular contributor here at BB and also has a book out that you might like to get for your DH.

HTH

star,

my husband is squeamish too. He freaks out if he sees AF blood, gets all retchy if he has to change nappies, and I was really worried about how he'd go in the delivery suite with me when I birthed Charlie.

I even posted about it here asking for advice!

But on the day he was really great. He did see my waters being ruptured, but the rest of the time, he pretty much stayed up top with me, holding me hand, supporting me, being great. When I was pushing, he stayed near my head encouraging me and telling me how wonderful I was. I saw the baby crowning in the mirror, but DH didn't, he was too intent on supporting me.

But he did cut the cord. Plus he held Charlie for ages, even though he was covered in blood and gunk. You'll be surprised how they are able to support you without necessarily witnessing every single gory detail. He was a great support person, I have to say!

star

My hubby was exactly the same and we were quite unsure how he would have coped with the whole birthing process.
He got squimish being at the head end of the bed while the mw did an internal in early labour!

However as majority of my labour was in the back of an ambulance (can read my birth announcement if you like) he wasnt with me and missed the conhractions and waters breaking etc.

He was present for the last 5 minutes of pushing and did very well however said it was hard for him to see me scream, grunt and in pain as ashley was born. so not sure how he would have been in normal circumstances in a typical situation in a labour ward :P

He couldnt look at all the blood on the bed though but had no problems holding bub with goop on her (which he was nervous about).

i guess you wont know what will happen until the day and you need to assure him that he will be fine.

Thanks, Sherie.

I had already printed out the Men at Birth one, but DH is really bad at wanting to read anything informative! I left it on the kitchen table for him to read while we were having brekkie, but after days of neglect, it eventually disappeared.

He is much more attentive when it comes to people talking to him, or watching a video- I have the Pink Kit and we have been trying to run through that a couple of nights a week and he does pay a bit more attention.

I have asked him to come to our 38 week midwife appointment, so that he understands my birth plan and so that the midwife might be able to reassure him a bit.

Thanks, everyone - sounds like I might just have to wait until the day and hope everything goes well with the preparation we have!

Star, there is a DVD you can get from BigW called 'being dad' I think it is called and it is basically a DVD from the dad's perspective of pg and birth. Might be worth looking for if reading isn't his thing.

Star, that was a great idea getting the Pink Kit especially if you want to 'go it alone' as it teaches you how to have the skills to do that - so hopefully he can immerse himself in that.

Unfortunately, it is not second nature for men to be at birth - from the earliest of days women were supported by women and men being in the birth room is only very recent. It is awesome for them to be at the birth - we'd have it no other way of course - but you may need to plan for him being squeamish at birth. The hardest thing on your own is trying to hold your support people together - it can get too stressful and you may want out of the situation (drugs or other!). So it's important you talk to him seriously about this and important to understand that midwives in hospitals these days do not have the time or ability to 'handhold' as they once did. They need to support several women at once, do paperwork etc - so when you are finding it too hard, they may only have drugs to offer you. It's important to have a strong team around you and if your husband is not feeling strong, perhaps you need to work out a plan for yourself, depending on the sort of birth you want.

The last birth I attended was with a squeamish dad - he stood with his back to the wall the whole time and didn't want to even see the baby crown. I was so glad to be there for the woman, her Ob had gone on holidays (and not told her) and she ended up with a midwife she didn't like. You never know who you are going to get in labour, so it can be a risk not having a known carer and squeamish hubby. Not saying this to talk up what I do, but telling you because even the most experienced birth attendants will know it can be a very tricky situation to be in for the woman in labour. It's all good thinking you will just wait and see, but you wont be in the mood or mindframe for making a thought out decision in labour! It will be too late then.

Star, my DH is the same. Didn't want to talk about anything, even telling me off when I explained what an episiotomy was and why I didn't want one (even though he agreed to let me have one while I wasn't paying attention to him). Get some proper birth support - my DH was pushing so many drugs you would have thought he was a dealer! He "didn't like to see me in pain", but I wasn't in pain, it was just the midwives telling us that I should be! DH sat behind my head once the interventions started and looked worse than I did at the end of it. I'd rather have had no support than have to be checking up that he was OK while I was giving birth.

i was also going to suggest the dvd Being a Dad. Never seen the pink kit.
I think if you get him to stay at your head end, then you should be fine, and he might surprise you at the time by getting more involved.
On the other hand, me - DH loves that sorta stuff, loves the real life medical shows. I have had to tell him that, if by chance i have a c/s - there is to be absolulty no peeking.

Thats how some partners try and fix the problem (men are fixers LOL and most dont know how else they can help as birth is not their realm). They see it to be helping you to recommend pain relief or to follow whatever the doctor is telling you to do.

Star,

I have recently given birth, and my DP had the same concerns before the birth. It was his first child and first birth as well, he hadn't even watched any on TV or anything as he was so squeamish.

What I did beforehand was make an agreement with him that if he was 'freaking out' or needed time out in any way, that it was okay with me for him to step out of the room for 10 minutes to gain his composure. Because we had this agreement, he didn't feel the amount of pressure he was feeling initially about if he couldn't handle it and it helped him feel calmer about the whole situation. HE was very panicked about how he was going to handle me being in pain most of all and talked non stop through the pregnancy about me getting an epidural (I didn't want one) and even to the point of pushing about a c-section because he was so scared!

He stipulated from the beginning he didn't want to be up at that end or to cut the cord.

The way it turned out - he didn't need to leave the room at all, I had a 14 hour labour and he was WONDERFUL. I truly feel that he was in labour with me, he helped me through every pain, every push and in the end it actually felt like he had physically helped me push the baby out, that's how close we were.

He didn't go down 'that' end. I birthed the head on all fours leaning over a bed and he was on the other side of the bed holding me close and telling me what I needed to hear. If he had have gone down that end during the pushing, I probably would have freaked out as I needed him to be there with me. The cord issue didn't come up as there was a (rare) complication in the end and they needed to take the baby away straight away so they cut it very quickly. I had to move onto a bed to lie on my back just after the head was birthed, and DP witnessed the rest of the birth but because of the circumstances around it as it was an emergency situation, he was traumatised by it afterward and was unable to hold the baby for some time as he was shaking for several hours afterward.
So in my case, I had a very squeamish man, but this didn't for a second stop him from being a wonderful support. He was everything I needed him to be.

Good luck hun.

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Maybe he is just unsure as to exactly what his role will be at the birth? He can always stay away from the business end of things and if he doesn't want to cut the cord, then he doesn't have to do that either (if he thinks it is 'expected' of him).

Check out these articles on the main BB site and give them to him to read
Ten tips on being a great support person
and
Men at birth by David Vernon, he is a regular contributor here at BB and also has a book out that you might like to get for your DH.

HTH

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Ditto. If he is not so keen to talk then buy, borrow, print out or email some things for him to read. Assure him there are many ways he can help even if he averts his eyes the entire time!

Once again - thanks for the support!

Kelly - I am going through the midwifery group practice, so I do know who will be there with me in labour - it has been great getting to know the two midwives who will be there and knowing I can put my trust in them. I'm hoping that it will help to discuss DH's issues with them before the birth, so they are that little bit more aware.

Fortunately it is also going to be a big decision for us to go with a drug assisted birth, as we will be in the birthing suites, where the only choice is gas- we would have to move to the labour wards if I needed further intervention. If this weren't the case, I think DH would be more keen to ask for anything earlier for me. The midwife will also be assisting me to have a drug free birth, so I think this will help.

Tara - I like the advice about telling him it's ok to leave when he wants to have a break- I think this will be reassuring- he probably feels like I am putting a lot of pressure on him to be there for me, me, me! It might help if he knows he has this option.

That sounds great star, to have one of two midwives there! And a great idea to chat with them too - sounds like you will have a great backing there... :)

Star, my DH can't even watch All Saints, he's so squeamish! But he was amazing during Nicholas' birth :) He was wonderful birth support during my labour and he watched EVERYTHING at the end! He was even explaining to me afterwards how I was stitched up LOL. He was fascinated with it all, and although he had said he wouldn't cut the cord, he was happy to do it at the time and has told everyone about it since!

I had all the same concerns as you, but never ended up really addressing them as our bub came early. We both had a great experience birthing our son, DH tells everyone how wonderful it was. We had a wonderful midwife who left us alone for almost all of the first stage. That was great because it meant that DH did everything, which we both found to be really special :)

ETA I did tell him before the birth that if he was feeling overwhelmed at any point he should leave the room for 10 minutes for a breather. He was a bit worried about leaving me, but I explained that it was better than him freaking out. As it turned out, he didn't leave the room once, and surprised himself with how well he handled everything!

Gaining in skills and knowledge does seem to help build the confidence of Dads as well as the ones doing the hardest work: mums! I agree the Pink Kit is helpful there - anything that arms the father with specific skills where he gets to feel his role is vital (which it is - but having something tangible to do, and seeing what a positive difference it makes, seems to beat standing there usure of how to help.)

One couple I worked with, the Dad was sure that he would not be able to even be in the room. But his presence really meant a lot to the mother. When she was pushing, he was on the other side of the bed and the couple held hands tightly across the bed. The mum was leaning over the edge of the bed, and holding on tight to her man's hands really helped anchor her. They could look into eachother's eyes and it suited Dad because the bed was like a barrier shielding him from the part he thought might freak him out. I thought it was great how they both got what they wanted & needed. She got support - he got to be there but not see anything 'gory'.

What/where is the Pink Kit? :)

Here's Kelly's intro to The Pink Kit:

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/pregnancy/the-pink-kit

It's a package of a book, PDF files of text, a DVD and an audio CD that talk about using breath and relaxation for labour, understanding the shape and movement of your pelvis, choosing positions that maximize the dimensions of your pelvis (non-symetrical positions, like up on one knee, are classics), and massage of the internal tissues to understand your anatomy and de-mystify the sensations. It has some good comments on the role of what's happening in your thoughts and head space for birth too.

On the train once, I noticed a woman reading a midwifery mag and guessed she must be an off-duty midwife. Since I had to do some research for the doula training, I asked her would she mind answering some questions. We got into discussing the increasing rates of intervention. She basically said, with some frustration, that many of the clients where she worked came in knowing very little, lay down and waited for the hospital to "do unto them". So, treading carefully, I asked was there anything she'd recommend that she thought might help prepare women and reduce the need for interventions?

"Well have you heard of The Pink Kit???" she said right off.

She was quite suprised that I had! I went and bought mine the following week.

I've once used the 'Sit Bone Spread' with immediate and dramatic effect. The woman sat into her partner's hands as he took part of her weight, and he just gently eased her sit bones outwards, during a pushing contraction. There was a big gush of fluid and the woman felt the descent. The midwife watching was impressed! (So was I actually - my first time to try it out - and I was also happy because although I suggested it, I didn't actually do anything - the woman and her partner did it. Happy Doula moment.)

I found I had to go over the Pink Kit content a few times before I started to 'get' it. It kind of grows on you. I thought it was positive of the involvement of the father.

As with anything, I didn't agree with *everything* but definitely a good resource to have in the collection.

Thanks!

Despite the fact that my partner has a child from a previous relationship and despite his assurances to the contrary, I think he too will be squeamish when it comes to the actual birth. That's OK because to my mind, he's there to support ME, not to look at what's happening down the business end. The midwives/doctors can do that.

Now he might not be very good with blood and gore but he is VERY good at being assertive, asking the right questions and spotting medical baloney when he hears it. So, his job will be to make sure that I'm either not pressured into loads of interventions or if it turns out I actually can't cope with the pain, to track down that pain relief as quickly as possible.

Luckily, I don't think that he will be too fussed at seeing me in pain so I won't need to tone down my screams for fear of freaking him out!

Star.. my DH originally said he'd be there at the birth but he was not looking at Jesse until he was wrapped up.. he said he wouldnt cut the cord or anything.. didnt want to have any involvement otherwise he would be sick. When time came i had to have an episiotomy, he looked the whole time, cut Jesse's cord and didnt take his eyes off him.
I think just the whole thought of labour and the unknown scares them a little. I know it did me too.

Im sure he didnt mean anything bad by it towards you at all.. he's probably too, just a little unsure about what is going to happen.

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Now he might not be very good with blood and gore but he is VERY good at being assertive, asking the right questions and spotting medical baloney when he hears it. So, his job will be to make sure that I'm either not pressured into loads of interventions or if it turns out I actually can't cope with the pain, to track down that pain relief as quickly as possible.

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I love this kind of Dad!:clap: Dads are great at "gate keeping". Reminds me of that song, "Keep Your Hands Off My Girl".

Thank you Julie Doula. I love this kind of dad too!

I know he will look at me as if I'm completely deranged if I ask him to start faffing around with the aromatherapy burner. But if I say I want an epidural, I can imagine him running around corridors to rugby tackle the nearest doctor and woebetide anyone who gets in his way. Likewise, if I say I don't want monitoring thank you, it wouldn't surprise me if he moved furniture around to block the doorway and keep all medical staff away.

No-one can be good at everything so we just need to recognise ours/our partner's strengths and work out the best way to use them.

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If I say I don't want monitoring thank you, it wouldn't surprise me if he moved furniture around to block the doorway and keep all medical staff away.

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Now THERE'S a strategy!:lol:

"No-one can be good at everything so we just need to recognise ours/our partner's strengths and work out the best way to use them."

Yes - well said, Fiona! (Mentally reciting this to self as I go off to find dh and hug him!)