What's the best way to teach a child to use good manners?

Hi there

My DD is 15 months and has recently started gaining confidence in asking/demanding what she wants. She's getting good at letting me know what it is she wants but I want to get her in the habit of using good manners in both the receiving and giving. Please, thank you, that kind of thing.

I know there are some of you whose children have beautiful manners and I wondered what you did to encourage them? Atm I am only saying 'please Mummy' and 'thank you Mummy' where I would like her to do so and being careful to set a good example with others. And what about with other kids?

Thanks for your tips!

Weve always modelled good manners for children and people often comment on how well mannered they are from a young age. Sammy is 22 months and says thankyou without even thinking now when he is handed something and now when he asks for something..like 'apple'...we say ' would you like a piece of apple darling?'...he nods and we say manners please..and he says 'chee apple mama'. (chee = please) so i do think the constant modelling and reminding helps them learn so it becomes second nature.

Jo

I think that monkey see, monkey do. The learn from us. Also, in saying that, it is good to get into the habit of being consistant with your reminders of please and thankyou and you will be rewarded.
My sister is very inconsistant with her boys and rarely asks them to say thankyou or please. They are out of control and a complete embaressment when we even attempt to go out with them.
You are doing a great job, manners are so important when raising children..

I think example is the most powerful tool. With DD i'm polite with others and when i give her something i say "thankyou" to which she sometimes replies "ag-goo" or if i take something from her i say "thankyou! Good girl for giving that to mumma". She's getting the idea but i don't try to make her say it yet as she's only 14mos.

I'm planning to start being more pointed about "please" soon too. ATM she doesn't ask for things so much as realise when i'm getting them that she wants them (crying when she sees her cup being washed because she's suddenly realised she really wants a drink!) so i'm going to use that opportunity to teach her "please". It's hard being a single mum as though 'm polite, often it's just us so she doesn't see me interact as much as if i had DP living here.

B

Yep absolutely what you are doing Jen, keep it up :D That's the exact same way as we taught Zander & I am always complimented on his lovely manners. If he forgets, I just have to give him a look or say "manners Zander" and he says what needs saying. Another thing is to make sure you're consistent when other people are there. For example if say a friend is giving Lucy her drink & she doesn't say thank you (or ta) remind her she has to say thank you to other people as well cos I think they forget it's not just for you! After a while everyone around you will start reminding her too ;)

The other two big ones we have done are excuse me when someone is in his way (he says it to everything - cuse me chair - LOL) and pardon when he burps or fluffs.

Sarah that is just gorgeous..scuse me chair..hehe

Jo

Jen, my kids might not always be well behaved, but they do always have good manners :D Or nana's as Noah calls them.

When I give them something I simply say thank you mummy, to Teh or my little ones when teaching them, Teh for the most part doesn't need to be remided anymore. And if they ask for something I will say "cheese, please mummy" and Teh will repeat it back. I only do this if she has forgotten though. I do expect her to have times when she forgets, as adults there are occassions when we may forget too.

Teh, used to say " 'muse me for parting" that doesn't happen often enough lately, usually it's giggles and her saying "Mummy, I parted" !! I guess that's what we get for having a household full of males that think farts are funny.

Consistancy is the key, just like when you are teaching your children anything. She will learn and it wo't be long before you are getting ta's for everything :D

I think the other thing is positive reinforcement...

Making a big deal of complimenting them for using their manners...not just reminding them when they haven't...

"Lucy...it's so lovely when you say thankyou...good girl!"

I love a phrase I read in a social skills training book the other day...

"reward direction not just perfection!!!"

Before they could talk, we tried out a few signs. Please was 'pat self on chest'. It was cute watching them go 'pat pat' when they wanted something, before they could say, 'peees'.

We've had ups and downs, times when the manners are lovely and other times it's chaos. *sigh*. So, during one of our low times , we invented The Manners Hand. Each child drew around their hand. In each finger, they wrote, Please, Thank you, Hello, Good bye and Excuse Me. They decorated them and were quite pleased with their craft. Then when they remembered their manners, they'd say, "I noosed my Nammers hand, did I Mum?"

This is great, Monnie. I'll remember this one: "reward direction not just perfection!!!"

I agree modelling and (reasonably consistent) positive encouragement for effort works wonders. Come to think of it .... works on me .....

Trish, to my knowledge I have never seen Noah or Tehya misbehave! Did I miss something?

Great tips girls, keep them coming. I will definitely try to remember to praise her when she does start using manners too. Sarah, excuse me will definitely be one I'll be adding now. Lucy tends to expect everything/one to move out of her way as she forges ahead! LOL at Zander and the chair...

Oh yeah I forgot to mention rewarding good manners. I do that too, just like rewarding good behaviour.

Jen, thanks for that hun. Perhaps you need to come over my house for the day then. HEHE. Oh yeah and Teh is slowly getting better at keeping her clothes on :)

I say thank-you or please when I give DS something and he has just picked it up. Sometimes I'll have to remind him, like he'll ask for some thing and I'll say 'what do you say?" and then he'll reply with please or thank-you. 95% of the time he doesn't need reminding. I also get comments on how well mannered he is.


Ellie

I forgot the praise part too LOL! Thanks for reminding us Monnie :) Zander is told nearly everytime that he has "beautiful manners" or "lovely manners" and he gets a real kick out of it! He definitely is one for lots & lots of praise.

It's a male thing Sarah, don't think it ever changes how much they like getting told how good they are ;)

LOL Trish!

I agree, lead by example...

Indah says "Scuse me" to everything as well, bit's of furniture as she squeezes past etc..
She always says Sank-you Mummy, Daddy, maddy, Poppy (yep even to the dog if she brings the ball to Indah!)
She always says please as well & if Maddy doesnt say Thank-you or Please Indah reminds her!

If you always yuse it the kids will use it too...

I never forced my boys to use manners. I used it when I passed them a cup for example and said please and thank you and they just followed my lead. when I say I didn't force them I mean I didn't make them say it or I wouldn't give them what they asked for. as they got older I would simply say manners please and they used them.. Even now sometimes they forget but I know they don't mean it so I don't mention it but they use their manners 95% of the time..

We've done exactly the same as Sarah, and it works still for my 5 yr old ;)

*hugs*
Cailin

Thanks for all your tips, girls. Sarah, Zander does have sweet manners, and Cailin, I've heard around here before that Paris is a great example! I'm sure all of you are so proud of your little ones for behaving so nicely and I only hope we can say the same in a few years.

I've just started on 'excuse me' when I need to get past her and if she's trying to get past us. She's a bit of a barger otherwise...!