Totally thrown by DP's response

Somehow we managed to get pregnant all on our own which was a miracle in itself but now it is all over, almost before it began.

I was a couple of days late which I never am so thought that I would do a test. BFP. Darker line the next morning but I didn't tell DP because we had my brother staying and something in the pit of my stomach told me not to. Darker line again the next morning so told DP and I booked in for a BT. He was so excited. No need, AF turned up later that day. Curled up on the couch crying my eyes out in misery but also pain when DP came home so I explained what was going on.

DP then said "so the problem really is with you and not me then"

Now I just feel numb. DP has been wonderful since and has been doing all the right things and I am pretty sure that he doesn't even realise how what he said effected me and I am sure that it came from ignorance but at the moment I just can't seem to move past it.

Hopefully time is a great healer.

Most men didnt get born with the 'tactful' part of their brain working unfortunatly. I am sure he didnt mean it the way it came out, and i can really understand how its difficult for you to move on from that comment.
From personal experience, i think you need to mention it to him, in order to help move on. Otherwise, you will be thinking lots about it, and if he really meant it or not, and this way, it will clear the air, and give him the opportunity to say sorry, and that he really didnt mean it the way that it sounded.
Hugs and sorry for your loss. Its no ones fault. Life just sux sometimes.

Oh TaffyLou I am so sorry firstly for your loss and secondly for your husband horrible words. I just don't know what to say about what he said to help but know that you are in my thoughts.

I'm so sorry.

Oh Taffy hun, I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. I bet if you asked him about it, he either won't remember saying it or that he didn't mean it the way that he did. Not that it makes it any better, but men just don't know how to deal with the reality of a m/c when it can be some time before the pg even becomes real for them kwim? I think that with him doing all the right things for you and caring and just being there show that he does love and care about you, but maybe just can't get a handle on the actual issue. I hope you can talk to him about it and that it can help you grieve.

Hugs for you Taff, and take care xoxo

I am so sorry for your loss :hug: . I just wanted to say that I agree with mum2bee, that you should really talk about your DP's comment with him. Men really don't think before they speak sometimes and most of the time have no idea of the impact their words have on us. I always find talking things like this through with my DH much better as the air is cleared and I can move on without stewing on it and feeling more and more hurt that he hasn't acknowledged it.

Make sure you don't dwell on it until you speak to him and just concentrate on looking after yourself right now. I really hope things start looking up for you soon.

Taffy i am so sorry for your loss.

Sometimes they don't think before they say something and i bet he didn't mean to say what he did. Both of you are hurting right now and it might have been his way of dealing with things by saying that.

honey i think sometimes men just dont think about the impact their words can have. when we lost our angel baby on the drive home from hospital DH said oh well ***** happens. i went out of my brain at him. but he didnt mean it as it sounded. so sorry for your loss. are you still seeing dr to make sure?

Taffy I am so sorry for your loss :hug: I'm sure if you spoke to your DP he probably didn't mean it the way it came out. Big hugs, thinking of you :hugs:

Awwww hun :hugs: I'm so sorry.

Silly goose obviously needs to think before he speaks though, but we're all guilty of that sometimes. Not that that helps at all. I agree with the others that you need to have a chat with him about it. I really doubt that he meant any harm by the comment, just some dumb thing that popped into his head at an inappropriate time.

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honey i think sometimes men just dont think about the impact their words can have. when we lost our angel baby on the drive home from hospital DH said oh well ***** happens. i went out of my brain at him. but he didnt mean it as it sounded. so sorry for your loss. are you still seeing dr to make sure?

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I agree - i also think men try that hole 'be tough' stuff to not show how they are really hurting. I think the '**** happens' line is away for them to try and deal with it in themselves.

They just dont deal well with those sorts of emontions, and deal with it in a more harsher way then us females. Not sticking up for them, or saying that they are correct, but, they are just a different species.

Taffy - I don't know what more to say other then... MEN... Grrrr!!!
Sending you loads of hugs honey :hug::hug:

I'm sorry Taffy honey. Men are so thoughtless sometimes. We're here if you want to talk or vent or cry honey. I'm sorry for your loss....

I firstly want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss!

I do agreee with the others, tell your DP how that comment made you feel, he probably didn't even think!

TaffyLou, I am so sorry about the loss of your little one. I agree, do tell DP how that remark made you feel. Are you seeing your GP or FS anyway to make sure of things? If DP by chance really did mean what he said (and I am almost certain that it was just thoughtless), then I would have a quick chat to the doctor about it, and ask him/her to talk to DP if necessary. Sometimes men find it very helpful to hear things from a third party, especially someone in authority.

I know that thoughtless remarks really hurt. Even if he didn't mean it, the hurt is still there. HUGS.

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

I know that he was just being a goose (thanks Sarah for that one - much better than some of the other descriptions that have come into my mind) and that once the mood lightens a little I will let him know. I do suspect that he has no idea what he said.

I've decided not to go to see my GP about it as I am absolutely positive that my little friend has gone but we do have a FS appointment in a little over a month so I will have a chat with her about it then.

Thanks again for all your kind words - it is nice to know that I wasn't overreacting

AWWW I am sorry Taffylou... Sorry for the little one that you have lost and sorry your DP had some verbal diahorrea... I am sure he didn't mean it to sound so hard and cold - but you do need to talk to him about it when you can. Men have an issue with it being about them and their perceived masculinity ... He just blurted I would say.

Big big hugs to you my love as you heal :hug:

Taffy - i'm so sorry hun - both for your little angel - and for your DP's thoughless words.

as the others have said, it was probably said in haste to cover hurt, and definitely not to intentionally hurt you. i hope you can talk to him about what he said, how it affected you, and to try to talk to him about how he's genuinely feeling

big hugs to you hun - and take care

:hug: Taffy,

That was an awful thing to hear! He probably had no "good" responses queued for what was happening and the first thing that came out was just a throwaway he wouldn't even have THOUGHT for very long. I'm sure as you say, once you've talked about it it'll be fine.

As an aside, no matter where the "problem" (if there is one) lies, there can be no "fault" with ttc. It doesn't matter if it is your body or his body, the baby is from both of you, and you can't get that baby without both of you. Even if your body works perfectly, you can't get his baby without him. I think it can be hard to remember that (for both parties), however fertile or not their partner is, a fertility problem is a shared one. Before a baby is born you don't know who it is, it's just "a baby" but once you hold and love and raise it you see this specific little person sent only to your family and it's a pretty mindblowing thing to realise that from the moment HIS sperm hit YOUR egg THAT cycle this SPECIFIC person existed. I think i'm rambling and hope i'm making some sense, what i'm trying to say is that in ttcing that specific baby you HAVE to have the 2 specific ingredients and thus all fertility problems, no matter where they lie, are the couples, and not one or other partner. I'm sure you two have a really special one coming Taffy.

:hugs:

Oh Taffy i'm so sorry for your loss , and also for the comments that would have cut so very deeply at such an emotionally charged time, I'm sure he did not mean for it to be so matter of factly in your face like that, ( you don't have to read any further if you don't want to ) but i had similiar comments from my DH and maybe this has been playing on his mind although not the most appropriate time to bring this discussion up .if he is anything like my partner and bottles up his feeling s i think it now gives you an oppurtunity to bring DH feelings to the surface and deal with the loss and fertility issues all in one go that way when your ready to TTC again your both on the same page so to speak again i'm sorry hugs to you both

Taffy i have been thinking about you all day.
Just coming in to send you a warm hug.

Taff, you poor darling. I'll be thinking of you and your angel.

I hope you can talk to your DP about this, as the other girls said, men don't do good responses! And if he did mean it, point out that placenta-building is coded by the male gametes, so it's all HIS fault (I agree that no-one is at fault, but I also think he has no right to think like this over the loss of a baby).

Taffy - I am so sorry to hear about your little angel :hug:

I agree that there is no particular person responsible for infertility, it could be multiple factors not necessarily pertaining to one individual. Best of luck for getting that much wanted bubba very soon :pray:

Thankyou all

Had a little chat with DP last night and now feel like a goose myself.

Apparently what he meant was something totally different. He had been going around all day thinking that he was king of the world and that the FS was totally wrong (he really doesn't like her much because she is very matter of fact about our fertility issues) and he was very excited that we didn't have to go back and see her again.

So he came home chest all puffed out ready to say "see I told you - my boys may be a small, lazy and disorganised army but they can still get the job done" and absolutely didn't mean to turn it around onto me but that is just the way it came out.

Turns out that I still love him and I may just keep him afterall

So glad that it's all sorted. Now, you look after you, be gentle with yourself - this is a difficult time... :hug:

Taffy - am so happy that you got it sorted out.
Men, they are lacking in tact, but, generally mean well.

Oh Taffy hun I am so sorry that af turned up, its so devasting to see those two lines and then have them taken away. take care of yourself hun and take time to heal, and ill be :pray: for a sticky bfp for you..

As for DP, im glad its all sorted and it was a misunderstanding, my dh said something similar when we lost our first bub but he was meaning to make me laugh but instead he hurt my feelings, but we spoke about it and it was all ok and i still loved him too!

Hugs to you sweets,
Lisa

Taff, I've only just read this thread and I just want to say, straight up, how sorry I am that you got a strong BFP only for AF to arrive. Not fair, not fair! Secondly, men are the strangest of creatures and I am so glad that you were able to talk to your DP about what he said and what he meant. *Hugs* for you, my friend from pre-ttc chatter days!