Hating breast feeding and feeling so guilty....

Hi All...
I have a DD who is just over 3 weeks old. I have been breast feeding her - but I am really hating it and get stressed whenever it is feed time. Feeds can go on for ages (well over 1hour - sometimes 2!) and I am never sure she is satisfied. She only latches on with a nipple shield (I/we have tried so many times without the nipple shield) and most of the time I need a hot pack to 'let down' - probably because I am so stressed. I am also stressed when people come to visit as it may be during a feed - and I am so self concious. Whenever I feed I just want to get her fed and back to sleep - and avoid interracting too much - I know this is impacting on our bonding. I want to switch to formula and have read quite a bit about formula feeding. I feel so guilty it is not funny. I feel I am not a good mum - or don't really care about giving her 'the best start' - but then I really dislike breast feeding... I feel so so stuck!

firstly, let me say that i havent got that far along yet, so, i cant speak from personal experience, only from how i would feel if the same thing happens to me.
a) get peoples to text you before they come to visit, so you can say yes or no to them, and that way, you can relax more during b/feeding, and that may help your milk
b) call that breast feeding association for help, re-assurance and advice.
c) remember that your baby is new to this as well, so you both need to learn together
d) dont stress over the bonding thing. Sounds abit harsh, but, i remember reading a thread ages ago about bonding, and its not always how it is in the movies. Some peoples take a while to bond. it doesnt make you a bad person
e) if you go to formula - you are not a bad person, nor a bad mother. You are simply doing what is best for you and your baby. You need to be happy in yourself as well, and if forumla feeding is what will make you happy, then a happy mum will (should) mean a happy baby.
f) b/feeding is not for everyone. Sure, it is the best thing etc for baby, but, plenty of peoples raise healthy kids on formula.

ETA - have you thought about expressing? Not sure to much about it, but, perhaps if you can express milk for your baby, and then bottle feed, it might be a win win situation.

First - Don't stress and don't feel guilty.
Second - ITs YOUR choice so if you REALLY don't want to breastfeed then don't, NOONE is forcing you, well I hope not anyway.
Thirdly - you can call your local parents helpline on choices to help you through this and maybe have someone come and visit you at home.

My little girl is 6mths now and has been bottle fed since week 2 as I had a lot of the same feelings as you and she was feeding for over 2 hours each time and still was hungry, so I came to the conclusion of what was best for my sanity and her well being.

We can't tell you what you should do, thats the choice for you, but I can let you know there is nothing wrong with formula feeding, as you can see in my signature my little Maya is thriving and incredibly happy!

All the best in your decision.

Bosco,
you need to stop beating yourself up! You are a great Mum and the fact that you are persevering with b'feeding in spite of how hard it is is amazing. I struggled with b/f for 8 weeks and DD is now 100% bottle fed. Yes, I felt a bit guilty, but it just didn't work out for us. I got to the point where my stress levels were really interfering with me enjoying my daughter.
The most important thing is that you love and nurture your baby. However you choose to feed her is simply a choice you will make - there is no right or wrong - just what is best for you and your baby, Good luck

good advice from both previous people ...

:hug: give your self a pat on the back ~ you are doing a great job and the early days are hard.

Yes it is early days and if you daughter seems to have wet nappies and gaining weight she should be getting enough.Babies do get quicker and more effecient at feeding. I second the advice of ABA - you don't have to be a member to ring them and ask for advice.Even Trescillian and other mother and baby units may be able to help you with day stays etc. You should get priority with feeding issues.

They won't judge and they may be offer suggestions for you.
Still don't feel guilty if you chose to formula feed , a friend of mine fully breastfed her dear daughters #1 & #2 for over 12 months & 14 months but her recent DD she tried but it wasn't working with nipple pain/mastitis and other reasons and she is now FF her - on recomendation of two lactation consultants and mother & baby units. She weaned slowly and is happy with her choice.

I agree with Trish. It's early days, and it's a big learning curve for both you and bub.

Definitely seek help from qualified people, such as a lactation consultant or the ABA (not just the community nurse or your GP) They can help you with the nipple shield, and possibly give you techniques of relaxing during a feed in order to help with letdown. Stress definitely affects letdown. Perhaps if you're less stressed the feeds mightn't go as long either. It's a vicious cycle tho I know, feeling stressed about feeds. I think the idea of getting people to call or text before they visit is a good one too if that would reduce the stress.

You need to feel comfortable with your final decision tho, and perhaps exhausting all sources of help with breastfeeding before switching to formula will help you feel confident in your decision, then you're not left with what-if's. IYKWIM.

You've done a great job so far though, persevering even though you're not enjoying it. You're not a bad mum. You're just trying to work out what is best for you both - that makes you a great mum :)

Do seek help tho, I think it's best to seek help even when switching to formula too, so that you know what you're doing.

All the best *hugs*

:hug: there was another thread about this just yesterday or the day before.. maybe you and that mum can have a chat about yor feelings :)

You are doing a great job and it does get better.. and if you don't like breastfeeding don't feel guilty ( I know I know its hard)

Agree totally - you are doing a great job...bubs is learning about this feeding and big wide world, and your learning what the heck your body has to do to feed her. Its mindblowing....i b/f both my girls, but found the ABA (Australian Breastfeeding Assoc) counsellors invaluable, you can even call them and have a chat, you dont need to go outta the house with bub.....

At the end of the day all you want is for bubs to be content and you to be stress free - if that means bottle feeding, then so be it....

The very fact that your concerned, shows what a great person you are !!

first of all - you aren't a good mum, you are a GREAT mum

breastfeeding is hard and exhausting and there is a lot of pressure on mum's to do it. Its a complete shock to the system having a baby the first time and then being wholely responsible for feeding this tiny little creature is so daunting!

I don't want to sound cliche but it does get better!

My first BF experience was horrible and I did switch to formula and did feel guilty but then found that I bonded so much better with my little baby after switching, second time around I found it a lot easier

Try setting small goals for yourself. This is the way I successfully breastfed my DD2 for 12 months, I started out by telling myself, aim for 6 weeks, which I did, then 4months, 6months etc..........

In the end a happy baby and a happy mum is the most important thing and if you feel at all guilty please try not to or at least talk to some supportive people (IRL is better because there are quite a few around online you are so pro BFing its really quite hard)

Bosco. It is perfectly OK to feel strange/indifferent and OVER BF. Give yourself a break and just try to work through what exactly is bothering you about BF, is it the time or is it that it doesn't feel right using your breasts like that.

Time will get better as your bub gets older (Ari and I just stopped using shields this week and she has gone from 45 min feeds to 15min - my son took 9 mth to wean off shields)

I was fine with BF my son but for some reason did not feel the same with DD and it was a real struggle through those early weeks, the pain, the mess and I just wanted someone else to be able to feed her because I was over it. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that I didn't want to be heating bottles at 4am and that my sister told me that this is a common feeling and if you can just ride through it, it will get better.

No-one is going to think less of you for not BF (well hope not) but you don't have to give it all away you can bottle feed and occassionally BF or express so if you want to go back you can.

all the best with your decision

Hi,

What great advice you have already gotten on this forum. There's no doubt, being a new mum is a REALLY tough gig. I work all day, every day with new mums, either in a paid capacity or a volunteer one. What I see is mums struggling to do the best they possibly can for their child. No-one makes the decision lightly to stop breastfeeding. In my experience, women who do stop feel that they are doing the best thing they can for their baby. Who could ask more of any woman? If that is the decision you ultimately make, please don't feel guilty about the decision.

But, as others have said, it is early days. Is she back to her birthweight yet? What have her wet and dirty nappies like? These things will tell you if she is getting enough. Babies are hardwired to suck. They love it. They suck when they are hungry, they suck when they are tired. Even the littlest baby knows that if mamma's nipple is in her mouth, she aint goin no-where, and heaven for a baby is hanging out in mamma's arms. Though I'm not much into clock watching, research shows that babies get the biggest quantity in the first 10 mins or so after letdown. So she probably doesn't NEED to be feeding for 1-2 hrs straight at a time.. If it's driving you nuts, you are quite within your rights to limit feeds. Mums often notice that the baby seems asleep at the breast, and then when you go to take them off they make a grap for it and suck as though their life depends on it! But, if she has been on for a while, take her off, burp her and give her the other side. Sometimes babies need to be cuddled and snuggled to go to sleep.

Please get some help, as others have suggested, from ABA or an LC. It is worth while. In our society the bottle is often held out as the answer to all a mothers' problems. And it is so tempting! But babies are babies and the bottle does not change them. Often a baby who feeds poorly on the breast will feed poorly on a bottle. They often still wake, and then the mother regrets that she didn't recieve more help in the first place.

If you really feel like the bottle is the only otion left, many mothers find that giving some bottle, esp at night when everyone is a bit tired and over it changes things. Breastfeeding becomes more manageable and less of a burden. Others can do it sometimes. Then, when you get a break and consider everything again, you can still build up your supply and continue to breasteed. So many people think baby feeding has to be one thing or another - but it doesn't.

Warm Regards
Barb

Already so much great advice here, but just wanted to add that in the early weeks when DD and i needed to get ourselves organised for a feed (before we were great at it, which took a good 6-9 weeks) i had a sign which i hung on the door which said "SHHHH Mumma is feeding!" and if that was up people sat in the kitchen until i was through, no visitors at boobie time for me! Unless i wanted to see them in which case i'd tell DP, "oh they can come in". A lot of times i let them in, but the security of knowing my sign was up and i didn't HAVE to see anyone made me feel so much better.

Bec

I was always the opposite - I loved the early feeds that took forever because I was feeding and could chat to people without having to entertain DS or make coffees and my mother couldn't demand a cuddle because he needed to feed. Didn't stop her telling me it was taking too long and DS needed ten minutes each side to get the idea, but since when do I listen to her?

How you feed doesn't change how you bond with your child, but breastfeeding does get shorter and shorter - DS just glugs it down and wants to play again in far too short a time these days. I wanted some time to put my feet up and chat! I think the way you see feeding is the "problem", not the time - if you enjoy the quiet time then your let-down will improve and you'll be having shorter feeds.

Like night-time feeds, I don't want DS to sleep through because his waking means we get to cuddle up and when he does sleep through I get nightmares, so really enjoy his waking for a feed!

Anyway, that's neither here nor there, but you can try the odd bottle and see if it helps. I know DS hated formula once he got the hang of breastfeeding (took him a while too) and just used to vomit it all out. As he was happy and putting on weight and having wet, dirty nappies we didn't bother trying to change formula, we just cut it out altogether. You could also try expressing - will take less time and that way it's an easy adjustment to the bottle. The major down-side to the bottle for me was that my mother thought that she could feed DS when he was less than a month old - I was OK with nurses tube-feeding him whilst asleep, OK with DH bottle-feeding DS, but someone else feeding my baby whilst he was awake getting in on the love? I don't think so, that love is for me only!

Hey, you're doing better than I did! I only lasted 2 weeks with DD#1 and just under 3 weeks with DD#2, and they're both happy, healthy and thriving.

I switched over mainly due to the pain - no amount of help did any good and in the end I was dreading each feed, which wasn't good for either of us.

After switching over to FF, I went through the feelings of guilt like I'd deprived my baby of something, but now looking back, I am so glad I did it and my girls have not been deprived at all. In fact, they got a happier, calmer mother, which I think is much more important.

I now love feed times because I get to snuggle up with Bella and look into her beautiful brown eyes. Not only that, but I can feed her anywhere, any time. I can even get others to feed her, which can be very handy! My MIL has cancer and I am so glad I am able to give her the opportunity to bond with her granddaughter by feeding her when we visit.

My DD#1 is rarely sick (only one day off school last year and none so far this year) and DD#2 had a mild cold recently (I got it much worse than she did), while a friend's BF'd baby has had three colds, all of them requiring a visit to the doctor. So neither of my girls have suffered.

I agreee that if you can happily BF, then you should definitely do it. But if you're in a situation where you're not enjoying it or having trouble with it, then bub will pick up on it, so you need to choose what's best for you. Good luck in what you decide, and don't forget you're doing the best you can and if you do decide to FF, you're not doing anything wrong.

Can I just say ;) Breastfed babies can be fed anywhere anytime too, and feeding can be shared with others with expressed milk. It's not just a plus for bottle feeding :)

Sorry Liz, of course you can feed bub any time, although I gathered that Bosco felt really self conscious about BFing in front of others and that's what I was referring to. I have a friend who has no issues whatsoever feeding her bub in front of others, so everyone's different (I personally was a little self conscious when BFing and hated expressing in front of anyone).

Also, from experience, giving EBM for more than the odd feed can be exhausting, so not something I could have continued to do indefinitely.

Hi Bosco!

You are doing a really great job.
You have had some pretty good advice already, so I won't give you any except that from a few GF's experience, it can be hard to wean from a nipple shield, and a day stay or LC might be able to help you with that side of things.

Instead I will share some of my b/f experience with you.

My milk didn't come in til day 5, and I had a 10lb+, very hungry baby, with tongue tie and poor attachment.

I felt like every feed was a nightmare, to the point where I willed my son sto stay asleep so that I wouldn't have to feed him :( Hardly the best way to bond with him, huh?

I could only attach him in the football hold, and had 2 flat nipples. He refused a nipple shield. So I would sit on my living room couch, with 3 pillows stacked either side of me, naked from the waist up (it took me a good 2-3 months to master the art of feeding while clothed. the times I did try I would end up totally frustrated, ripping my top off halfway through.) Boy did my dad get a shock when he walked in on me feeding! *lol*

Visitors I'm sure felt uncomfortable, I know I did, and the thought of feeding in public scared me a lot.

I took it day, and then a week at a time, until about 14 weeks, when it all sort of clicked, and for the first time, I enjoyed feeding my son, at every feed. No less than 3 days later he got his first tooth, which was interesting, but manageable.

In this time I had blisters, vasospasm, Milo has his Tongue tie snipped, I went to 7 breastfeeding day stays and had 2 LCs tell me to stop breastfeeding if it was imapcting my realtion ship with my son.

I asked them if the nipple trauma and pain etc would go back to normal when I stopped breastfeeding. they said yes it would.

I was told that he didn't feed for long enough, and I never felt like hie got enough, but he was a great sleeper, and was gaining 200gm/week.

So at that point I decided that as long as DS was putting on weight, and remained healthy, that I'd keep feeding him.

We lasted until 6 months, when he stopped gaining weight almost entirely. That was when I switched to formula.


Phew - sorry that was so long, if you got through it all thanks for reading.

you have already gotten great advice so i will only say this, similar experience to you, could only feed with a nipple shield, feeding took FOREVER, i was permanently glued to the couch... i lasted close to 3 months, after probably about 5 weeks of AGONISING whether to switch to formula. i also attended breast feeding clinics etc for help. I have now switched to formula. She takes about 10 minutes to feed. It is unbelievable. She also gets way more play time now, as before she spent so long feeding, by the time i'd change her she would be up for 10 minutes then time to go to sleep. Not much time for fun and interaction etc, especially once they get a bit bigger and want to interact and discover things. I also find I am bonding with her WAY MORE with bottle feeding, sounds strange, but feeding with a fussy baby using a nipple shield for hours on end was not my idea of fun. Now she takes the bottle beautifully and stares up into my eyes, it is adorable and warms my heart. She also seems so much more content with the bottle, rather than battling at my breasts trying to get the flow to come faster.

That said formula has not solved any of the other issues, like sleep etc. But for me, just the fact that it now only takes 10-15 minutes to feed is an absolute godsend. And I also feel a lot free-er, in the fact that if I needed a break, I could go out and leave her with daddy and not have to worry about expressing milk or leaking enormous milk jugs etc. I can now SEE how much she is getting, as opposed to always wondering whether she had drank enough as it was always ME who was ending the feeding session, because it just went on so long.

anyways good luck with your decision... i know exactly how you feel, just try not to agonise over it for too long, you probably know what you want, its just making the decision and sticking to it, and being positive and happy about the next step - there is way too much pressure these days to breastfeed and it made me seriously depressed because it wasn't working out for me, it shouldn't be that way. hugs xx

Hi Bosco
First of all dont feel guilty.
I breastfed my first son for 2 weeks before I added formula as well.
At six weeks he got oral thrush, then gave it to me. Pain!!
I decided to give it up then, he thrived on formula.
When I was pregnant with my now 9 month old son I decided not to breastfeed him.
Got mixed reactions, but stood firm and stuck to my guns.
From birth he has had formula and is growing just fine.
Hospital didn't push me or give me hard time.
make your own choice and do what is the best for you. YOU are the one who has to live with it. Babies DO thrive on formula.
Good Luck!!