Do you feel people judge you?

I would like to know other peoples opinions and experiences on the following.

This is my first child and I have chosen to go with a highly recommended OB and have booked into a private hospital for the birth.

I also have pre existing spinal problems from an accident many years ago that left me with spinal cord damage. My spinal specialist has recommended for me to have an elective c-section because of strain to the spine during birth. My OB is happy with this option because he agree's with the recommendations of the spinal specialist.

But I seem to come across so many people who seem to judge you - be it for the fact I am going private or having an elective c.. most friends and family know about my accident and spinal damage (my father was killed, so they all know how serious it was) but they dont seem to think. They just feel like they need to tell you that natural birth or public hospitals are good.

I dont think they are bad but they are just not what I am electing to have. Cant people just respect my (and DH) wishes?

Has anyone else felt this judgement for whatever option you pick be it Water birth, home birth or whatever???

Wow! People just never cease to amaze me!

I think at the end of the day you actually have to be prepared for 1 of 3 things..... either smile & say you haven't made firm decisions yet & don't be explicite (sp?) about your intentions, be prepared to explain that you have a pre-existing situation that has taken decisions out of your hands or learn to be immune to what you think thier judgments are/mean. Get really thick skinned.

I had a similar/funny/interesting experience to this a few weeks ago. I was at a family gathering (DH's family) & his cousin is due within a week of me. I am booked in at Royal North Shore Private.... his Aunt & her (the cousins) brother/wife asked where I was booked but out of a sense of humility (I just didn't feel the need to make the distinction for any particular reason) I replied "Royal North Shore" & they actually visibly snickered at me replying "Oh, she's booked there but in the private hospital"

Seriously, I know that on the face of it this is quite funny & I am overly sensitive anyway but thier reaction & 'gloating' was so obvious & sad.

I just smiled & walked away but I really identify with what you are saying :D

Ohhh Melody - I am at North Shore Private too!!! When are you due? I am with Rod Baber, who I am really happy with.

Yes, DH cousin is due a few months before me and people keep telling me that she is having the baby here and she is feeling this blah blah.. I just tune of and sing in my head "I feel pretty, oh so pretty" like in that Adam Sandler film Anger Management!!!

I am really sorry to hear that people are being so insensitive, but unfortunately no matter what you choose to do other people just cant seem to help themselves they just have to either judge or throw in thier 2cents worth.

Jillian you are so spot on! It is an interesting phenomenon..... people seem to have very definite ideas regarding thier expertise on YOUR pregnancy :D Bless 'em!

Princess T I had a mental image of me singing "I feel pretty" it it made me crack up! Thanks for that.... I will use that tequnique for sure!

I have heard wonderful things about Dr Baber, I'm due on the 17th-ish of August & with Paul Fowler who I am secretly in love with.... seriously, he is just the perfect OB for me. Great sense of humour & absolute realism at all times. I know both of those things will be vital when I am in labour.

Oh I am so happy for you - yep, it just feels right when you have the right help doesnt it?

I think you need to learn all the words to "I feel pretty" that way when you are in labour and your relative is in the birthing unit next to you (which is bound to happen!!!!!) you can drive her a little crazy.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

I had an emergency caesarean, and yes, I did feel judged by some people.....I had one person say that I hadn't actually "given birth" which I found so highly offensive it wasn't funny!!

Unfortunately it does seem to be the way that everyone will want to comment on your decisions throughout your PG and beyond, well into parenthood! It can be really hard, particularly when it's a time in your life when you are feeling very sensitive as you are entering unknown territory!

Hi PrincessT,

I dont know what it is about pregnancy, but I noticed so much more about people and their 'rudeness', 'tactlessness' and 'judgementelness' (not a word but you know what I mean!) Looking back on the early days, I remember being made to feel too young, too stressed, too casual, too anything! I tried to bite my tounge and just 'take it all in' but I can recall a few times when I snapped back at friends or family. Pregnancy is an amazing thing, maybe women also gain a special 'enlightenment' during this time, like you can see through people. Or maybe it was just those hormones playing tricks on my mind??!

Jess

I had an elective c-section.
About 5 years ago one of my retina's popped off the back of my eye.
Sorry - sounds gross, but I lost 50% of the vision in that eye. My ob asked me to get the opinion of my eye specialist to check if labour was the kind of stress that would cause more damage to my already weakened eye etc. The eye specialist was consulted, but he said words to the effect of "I've fixed the eye, she'll be fine". This didn't sit very well with me. It was ME that had only half sight in that eye, and if there was any chance at all that anything could happen to my eye I wasn't going to risk it. I elected to have a c-section. This created a great deal of speculation among family and friends. I was being given the go-ahead to have a natural birth, yet I was chickening out. That's the way they made me feel about my decision. MY decision. Even my husband left the labour decision up to me. He wanted me to have a c-section, but said ultimately it was my risk, so it was my decision.

Any decision you make, you make for yourself and your family. I had a very stressfull pregnancy first time around, and I didn't want to have a stressful labour also, worrying about the baby, and myself, as well as my eyes. It was too much. The controlled environment of the c-section made the experience just great for DH and I. We wouldn't do it any other way, and I'll be doing the same thing this time around.

Bottom line - do what you want. Share your thoughts with people about subjects that you're willing to be criticised on, and keep those you're not willing to be criticised on quiet. Its the only way you can guarantee to minimise the amount of stress that comes with the criticism you receive for your choices.

I ended up having to have a c/s due to CPD (Matthew was far too big for my very small pelvis), Matthew wouldn`t engage and I was sent for a scan by OB which found small pelvis and Matthew had what my OB calls a crash helmet head.

I found the midwives at my delivery hospital were the ones who judged me right from the moment I stepped in I was asked WHY are you having a c/s? It made been feel awful, it wasn`t the way I had planned my birth but it was the only way Matthew was going to come out and I trust my OB that he did the right thing by us both. It wasn`t until I transferred to me post natal hospital that the midwives there commented that a c/s is also hard work.

There will always be people judging you no matter what you do but listen to your heart and do what you think is right.

Take Care

Deeanne

Princess - I am so sorry that people are giving you such a rough time. I have found that pregnancy, child-birth and child-rearing seems to bring the "expert" out in some people (quite often it's people that have never gone through it themselves!).
You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. There will be sooooo many different things that people will nit-pick @ you about. Some will mean well and others are just "know-it-alls".
As much as it sux, for your own sanity it's best to just smile and go about your business. You will always do what is best for you and your baby - that is what is important!
I had an emergency c-section. It's funny when people ask if I had Gabby naturally how they say "Oh that's a pity" when I say I had a c-section. She was born healthy and gorgeous so, surely it doesn't really matter how she came in to the world? As for having to have the c-section, I was in a better state than a lot of friends that had had natural births. No tearing to deal with so sitting wasn't a problem and I was feeling pretty good after just a few weeks. It's really not a "pity" at all. The pity would be if you went through with a natural birth only for things to go sour.

Ok... going to shut up now :)

All the best with the birth of your baby!

:

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Artist: West Side Story
Song: I Feel Pretty

Lyric:



I feel pretty
Oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and gay
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me today
I feel charming
Oh so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real
See the pretty girl in that mirror there?
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face
Such a pretty dress
Such a pretty smile
Such a pretty me!
I feel stunning
And entrancing
Feel like running
And dancing for joy
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy
I feel pretty
Oh so pretty
That the city should give me its key
A committee
Should be organized to honour me
I feel dizzy
I feel sunny
I feel fizzy and funny and fine
And so pretty
Miss America can just resign
See the pretty girl in that mirror there
(What mirror, where?)
Who can that attractive girl be?
(Which, what, where, whom?)
Such a pretty face
Such a pretty dress
Such a pretty smile
Such a pretty me!
MARIA & GIRLS
I feel stunning
And entrancing
Feel like running and dancing for joy
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy

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:

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Princess - I am so sorry that people are giving you such a rough time. I have found that pregnancy, child-birth and child-rearing seems to bring the "expert" out in some people (quite often it's people that have never gone through it themselves!).

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Well said Debbie =D>

Hmmm seems like you need to give your family a reality check about your back. I know someone who suffers from a bad back due to a car accident who had a c/cect and I was like fair enough too.
And on the private hospital thing. Most of my friends have been through the public system and had no problem but I had a shocking time in hopsptal with an infected appendix and my ward mates gave me the ****s. I decided that I wanted my own room when I had my babies and DH could stay with me.
I never made them feel like I was better for going private (intentionally, if they felt that way then thats their problem)

i have chosen to go public but i know if i want i can change my mind and go private in an instance. i dont see what the big deal is, public or private often same staff same theories, but i dont have any pre exsisting conditions to be concerned about, which if i did i would go private

Kerry - you are the best.. I think "I feel pretty" will soon become BB's un-offical song!!!

Thank you also so much everyone for your nice words. I am sticking to what I and DH believe in. For me, with my back problems and due to the fact my maternal aunt died in from complications during birth - going to the best doctor and hospital gives me peace of mind.

Now I am copping flack from my MIL because she thinks it a waste of money to have a NT scan.... I should just shut my mouth but as DH and her work together, we needed to tell her about the scan because he is having a fee hours off and then she was like "whats wrong with the baby" and I'm like nothing, its just a test.. ahhhhhhh evil woman.

Go & see "Monster-In-Law" at the movies with a girlfriend & excorcise the demons :) I'm doing that this afternoon & can't wait!

OH Princess I just want to slap your MIL in the face. She is being very nasty to you and all I can think is jealous, evil woman cut the bloody cord and let your son live his life. Grrr she makes me so made, I'd offer to swap but mines worse than yours.

My MIL died before we had children.. any takers?
Although there is definitely some cause for grief there, I love my Step-MIL, she's like an older sister.

Kerrie

Kerry - in the words of one of my friends "your mother in law looks like she has been sucking lemons her whole life"

Kerrie - I'm glad your Step MIL is nice. My step father is a great man, so it really makes me happy that others have nice step families, when you often here about how horrible they are.

I think Monster in Law might be the go for the weekend.. I saw the ad on the telly last night and told DH "look your mums on the TV" and he just laughed. I am going past in-laws tomorrow afternoon to show off my ultrasound photo's to DH's very very lovely grandparents and aunts (they all live local) just to annoy MIL.

Sweetie, my advise to you is to ignore everybody and go with what is SAFEST for you considering your injuries, let other people have there opinions, it doesn't concern them ok darl, you do what is ultimatly best for you-you are the one that matters here not them.

and Im so sorry for the loss of your Dad sweetheart.xx

Hi Princess...

I had an elective C-sec due to size.

My Clinic Doctor made me cry, told me I will be killing my baby etc etc and I was very emotional for days (which I think did more harm to my baby than the c-sec)

But I did go through with it and it turned out to be the best option. I knew it was, i had that feeling. He was clamped up and stuck in there, 10 pounds, with 10 days til due date and hadnt dropped or anything. They say he would have got stuck and if I had to have had an emergency C-sec i think I would have been hysterical LOL

So go with what you feel safe with, It DOESNT matter how they get here, as long as they do get here safe, healthy & happy :)

Your pg, your body, your baby = YOUR DECISION. Stuff what everybody else says, as long as you have a healthy baby who cares how he/she comes out. Think and concentrate on your parenting skills, the birth will take care of itself once you've made a decision. Good luck.

PS I had an elective C/S (but was a compulsory C/S due to placenta previa!)

Yes, I think it's a big part of parenting, and certainly one of the hardest things. I stopped breastfeeding at two weeks. Mentioned it to a friend on the phone. 'Oh you should have told me, I would've been able to stop you!' Never mind that myself and my partner had already decided and I felt bad enough about the decision.

People will nit pick about everything, so it's good to have a generic comeback planned. At the moment for me, I'm copping a lot of flack about our decision to homeschool our daughter. And when ppl get over that, it'll be something else LOL. But I do hope everything goes well for you, just remind yourself you and your partner know what's best for you and bubs. No one else can ever make that call.

Just thought I'd join in here, we decided just in the last week to have a home water birth - WELL you can imagine the reaction I get from some people. I'm thinking I'm just not going to say anything about it from now on, becasue we just made the decision it's very hard to stop other peoples opinions make me doubt our decision - AND I hate that!!

At least in BB we don't have to face any of that judgement, as everyone is so supportive of any decisions we may choose.

I think it's quite funny how people can judge you no matter which way you want to go. I recently had a friend of mine basically tell me that going public was totally beneath her etc. I'm going public and yes I have gone private before but really don't feel the need to go private this time. I dunno just my personal preference and I don't think I should be judged because of it she started saying how we shouldn't have medicare etc which I strongly disagree with as I don't trust insurance companies (my personal experience). I still get to pick my Ob (and pay for him). I did fall into the trap of justifying myself but at the end of the day it shouldn't matter. Public or Private, c/s or vaginal, etc etc. It alls a personal preference and somethings are out of our control. I think if it seems out of the norm for what that certain person believes they feel they should be able to give their opinions no matter how offensive they might be. I just don't understand some people. #-o

We've chosen public as we actually liked our public hospital better than the private ones near us, and I don't know any OBs so would have been taking pot-luck anyway... since our decision we've had heaps of comments like "what if something goes wrong" or "you're skimping on your baby's birth to save a few dollars" (MIL told us we were stupid because my SIL had a slightly negative experience in another public hospital, so that must make them all really bad!!)... it's really ****ting me because we have had fantastic treatment and we do actually have health insurance, we just chose not to use it. Everyone's different and must make their own choices. I've learnt to just ignore people now.

It amazes me that people can make comments like 'you're risking your child's life all for saving a few dollars'. I understood that in many cases, if you or your newborn need extra care; it is not uncommon to be transfered from the private hospital to a public one with better facilities?

The whole Britney Spears elective C/S brought up a lot of conjecture recently. It's sad when people who have a genuine reason for needing a c/section are criticised. You're not taking the 'easy way out' - you're having major abdominal surgery! If anything, your recovery will be longer and possibly more painful & restrictive initially.

Sadly, it's because of people like Britney Spears who have an elective C/S so they can 'avoid pain' that people tend to have a generally negative view of C-sections.

One of my girlfriends is having an elective c and people can not stop judging her and it is none of their business!

She was in a bad accident about 18 months ago injuring her back severely and when she first met her OB it is what he suggested.

What I think is upsetting is that women feel a need to justify their decision to have an elective c - size, complications etc. One of my other girlfriends had an elective c because she did not want to go through a vaginal birth and that is her choice.

Princess I am so sorry that people are judging you :( It is really not their place to comment but they will anyway. You know why you have made the decision and that is all that matters :)