An angel named Alex

This isn't exactly where I thought I would be posting but on Friday March 26th, 2004 we had a beautiful baby boy whom we named Alex. He was born at 18w5d gestation, weighing 250gms, after my waters broke & he had no fluid left around him. We had to make the hardest decision of our lives the day before as we were given 3 options. We could wait for mother nature to take its course, we could wait & see if the pregnancy would make it to a time where the baby could survive outside of the womb (& most likely die shortly after due to underdeveloped lungs) or to terminate. We decided to terminate as we have a 19mth old son & neither my hubby or I could go home & just wait for things to happen by themselves while playing with our son. They had to induce me to give birth to our little boy & the only thing that I am grateful for is that it was a relatively short labour (4.5hrs), however it was not a situation I was ever expecting to face. My hubby was & continues to be fantastic, while I continue to try & survive each day. There isn't a day I don't look at James & think how lucky I am, but at the same time I am remembering a little brother that he will never know. We are waiting on test results & go back to the OB on the 28th of this month to see if he can shed any more lite on why my waters broke so early. The hardest thing about the decision we made is that in the 2 U/S's we had done our babys' heart was beating away madly & perfectly, he fully expected that it would all be alright & I think that that is the hardest thing for me to come to grips with. I know we made a fully informed decision & basically the only one that we could make but that doesn't make it any easier. I am glad we got to hold him, see him & have foto's taken with him, but I miss him every day & wonder if I'll ever be strong enough to contemplate trying again.
That is enough from me for now (especially as I can hardly see the screen through my tears)
Thanx for letting me vent

Kirsty, I am so sorry for the loss of little Alex. It made me cry just reading your story, so I can't even begin to imagine how you feel right now. Just thought I'd let you know that I am thinking of you and your family during this hard time.

Oh Kirsty ((hugs)) I am crying bucket loads just reading your story. You are truly amazing for even sharing your story so soon after it happened. I hope you get some much needed answers.

Lots of love

kirsty, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know nothing I can say will make it better, that is just doesn't make sense that it has happened, that it is just devastating- that is all it is.

I am sending you hugs. I have just experienced a loss many weeks earlier than you, but we never had a good prognosis. One bad scan, one more promising where we had a heartbeat but little growth, then m/c. I had only had that feeling of our little baby growing inside me for a few weeks and I already miss it, so I can imagine the emptiness and loss you feel right now. I hope your little Alex and my moonbeam are together, that they know that the mothers they chose loved them and wanted them to stay.

I can provide you will mutual sadness and shared experience right now, but not much else. I know that you will know how it feels when you have trouble making it through each day by yourself, without the strength to provide anyone else with support. So all I can say is take care, you are in my thoughts and let yourself be wherever you need to be right now, even if it is in a deep pool of sadness.

Meg

m/c 8/03
m/c 11/03
m/c 1/04
m/c 4/04 our little moonbeam, sadly missed

our little angels

Oh Kirsty, I am so very sorry for the loss of your little Alex. I know nothing I can say can ease your sorrow at this terrible time, but please know that I am thinking of you and your family.

I cannot possibly imagine how you must be feeling right now and how difficult it must have been for you to make the decision on what you should do. These situations are just so upsetting, and it truly renders me utterly speechless. I wish that there were some words that I could offer you to console or comfort you in just a small way. I can only tell you that I have suffered from 2 m/c and understand the devastation of losing a much loved baby, however, my situation just simply does not compare to the magnitude of your loss - I can't possibly imagine having to go through what you have been through. I am grateful that you have the love and support of a wonderful DH.

If you want to chat at all, please come here and share your feelings if you feel comfortable - we'll do everything we can to support you at this difficult time.

Thinking of you......

Kirsty, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious Alex. If you need to vent, scream, cry, anything, we are hear to listen. Take care, Kirsty.

To all who have sent their thoughts thank you. Today isn't a good day, we should have been 21wks today. It just doesn't seem fair, we were 18w5d when all this happened & I guess we thought that we were past the 12wk mark so all would be alright. I guess you just never know. The hardest thing for me at the moment is sometimes to look at my son, James. I know that must sound horrible, but the thing is that Alex was the spitting image of James & there are times when I am holding him while he is sleeping & he looks exactly like Alex did when I held him after he was born. I am also sick of people telling me that it is Mother Natures way, that there must have been something wrong with him, I swear if one more person says that they are likely to get a mouthful. Because to look at him he was so perfect. Gorgeous little fingers & toes with perfect little fingernails & toenails, I guess that makes it harder to come to grips with. I am so proud of my hubby to have stayed while Alex was born (in his own words he isn't good with blood & that sort of stuff) & that he saw him afterwards. Also the support my Mum showed us was unbelievable, she was there & cut the cord. She is a bit like me, she has good days & bad days. I just can't come to terms with the fact that you are given this most gorgeous & wonderful gift of a little life & now we are never going to get the chance to see him grow or what sort of person he would have become. Life goes on I know but it seems so damn hard to do it. I am also sick of people telling us we should be grateful we already have one. I am grateful & I know how lucky we are, but do they think they are making it any easier for me to cope! All I can think of is the fact that I should have been lucky enough to have 2 beautiful boys not the one that I have & the most precious angel baby that we do.
Sorry I seem to get off track it is so easy done.
I must be off for now, James is in need of some motherly love (or at least I need to give him some!!)

Kirsty give James an extra big hug for us :)

Remember that you are still in our thoughts.

Hi Kirsty,

I too received the same kind of comments that you have received, i.e. that it was nature's way and that there must have been something wrong etc. I don't want to draw any kind of comparison between your situation and mine because there really isn't, but I certainly know that these kinds of comments are not at all useful at such a time and are highly offensive! I fully understand that some people really don't know what to say in these situations and so quite often say the wrong thing, but unfortunately saying that it was natures way or that there must have been something wrong is of absolutely no help whatsoever - you have still experienced the tremendous loss of a much loved baby and those comments don't make it 'alright' that you have experienced such devastating loss or make the loss any less. I found the best comments were simply to say 'I'm so sorry for your loss' - that way I knew people were thinking of us, and that was enough. Any further comments such as those that you received are not helpful at all.

The fact that you have a beautiful and much loved son in James is not some kind of a consolation prize for your loss either - I can only imagine how upsetting it would be for people to be saying to you that you should be grateful for him - again it doesn't make your loss any less.

I am thankful that you have the support of your DH and Mother and that you can share your grief together. I know you have a very tough journey ahead of you to get through this time - just know that we are all here for you whenever you need it.

Hey Kirsty,

I'm really sorry for your loss of you beautiful baby boy. I've never made it past 12 weeks yet, but I felt such a strong bond with all my little ones. I know how horrible it feels to know that you will never get to know the little personality, or see them grow up and have kids of their own. And just because you already have one child, it doesn't make you love or miss your second any less. You are entitled to grieve for you loss for as long as you need to.

*hugs* :hugs:

I'm glad you've got a good support network around you, beacuse right now you really need it. If you need to post here every hour on the hour to feel a little better, then go for it. We're all here to suport you too.

i just read this post and i was in tears .. so sorry to hear about your little boy, i cant even imagine to understand how you feel..

you must get sick of hearing everyone saying there sorry :(
you sound like a very strong peron

take care
hugs
Lesley

When I read your post I couldnt believe your strength. Thank you for sharing this with us and allowing us to help you through this time. If you ever need someone to email just to vent or anything please feel free to email me- the_green_roomwa@hotmail.com.

I know it is like a broken record, but I am sorry for your loss and I got goosebumps and tears when I read your post. I hope you and your DH find all the support you need.

Take Care.

Am madly missing our little angel at the moment & am so lost in the thought of what might have been. DH, DS & I managed to get away this weekend just past & while it was great to go somewhere where no-one knows us or what has happened it was also very confronting. On Sat. we visited my younger brother & his partner who have a 10wk old baby boy & I was expecting to be a mess & not be able to deal with the baby at all. DH was expecting me to burst into tears just at the sight of him (& to be honest that was what I was expecting), in fact the opposite happened. I held him from the minute we got there until we left over 2hrs later. I wasn't so good afterwards though, as it just made me realise what we won't be doing in August like we should have been.
I had a shocking night Friday night, after putting James to bed I just sat in the hallway outside his room & bawled my eyes out. DH came looking for me after about 15mins & got really worried about me. I guess I'm not coping as well as I thought I was, kept telling him I couldn't do it anymore (& I think he thought I meant I couldn't go on living anymore) & that I couldn't seem to do anything right. He however kept telling me that I'm a great mum & to just think about our beautiful boy. I don't think he really understands how scared I am to think about having another baby. I am scared that it will never go right again (James' pregnancy wasn't what I would really call alright either - my waters broke at 31wks & he was born by emergency c-section at 32wks. Though to look at him now you would never know he was 3lb13oz - 1.738kgs- when he was born). I think it really challenges my thinking & concept that once you are past 12wks you are SAFE. Never again will I think that the 12wk mark is some sort of magic mark (providing we are lucky enough to be able to have another baby that is) & once you get past it everything will be fine (sorry if I've scared anyone but this is just my thoughts). I will worry until I hold a healthy baby in my arms - again if we are lucky enough to be able.
I feel like I am having trouble being me & being strong enough to do this, so am looking forward to our app. on 28th of this month with the OB to see what he has to say about what happened with Alexs' PG. On the other hand I am scared silly that he may say we can never have another baby. So am working myself slowly, day by day, into a blithering mess. Have to work out a better way to deal with it.
Also have to ask, does anyone else find themselves going from nice to ***** in 2secs? I am finding myself doing it a lot lately & poor DH seems to be on the receiving end of it all!

Tootie if you read this, would love to know how far along you are with 'tiger'? Hope it is all going great for you & you are keeping well.

Thanx for putting up with my rather long vent today, but sometimes feel like this is the best place to let it all out.

Kirsty I am so pleased that you were able to enjoy visiting your nephew on the weekend. While afterwards may not have been so good, I am impressed that you were strong enough while you were there, I think that is a big step forwards.

You poor thing, no wonder you are so scared of getting pg again after your bad experiences so far. I hadn't realised that James was also born very early. I hope that that your OB will be able to give you some information as to why this is all happening to you & hopefully together you can fix it so that when you are ready you won't have to go through all of this again.

We are more that happy to "put up" with your venting Kirsty. If venting here is helping you get through the tough times I am sure noone minds - I'm just glad that you are finding that it helps, even if it is just a little bit.

Hey Kirsty,

I hear you regarding the nice to ***** in 2 seconds flat scenario!! I was all over the place and I swear DH never knew what to expect from me from one minute to the next. One minute I would be leaning on him and crying and the next I would be screaming and yelling and the next I would be cuddling him! The thing is that it is always easiest to lash out at those closest to you, so of course that means DH is the no. 1 target! I know that a certain element of it is hormonal (and god help anyone who said that to me at the time because that really made me want to rip their heads clean off as it felt to me like they were trying to brush aside my grief!) because in all honesty I know that your hormones are going a bit haywire after this kind of tragedy, but there is so much grief in there too, which when combined with so many other mixed emotions of guilt, anger, saddness, loneliness etc - it makes for quite a nasty outburst at times and I too felt like I simply did not have the strength to do it anymore. In time those feelings retreated just a little bit....and then a little bit more....until I was in a space where I could think about what to do next. These feelings you are going through right now are just so all-consuming and it feels like one long nightmare that just doesn't seem to end. One day it will start to feel a little easier....maybe not today, or tomorrow, or next week or even next month, but in time I'm sure you will. I don't think anyone ever gets over the loss of a child or a loved one, rather they learn to cope with it IYKWIM.....and by that I mean it becomes a bit easier to get up in the morning and to go through the motions. The pain becomes a little less intense, but you never EVER forget or stop loving or missing them as much as you do right now.

I'm like you in that because of my experiences I don't see the 12w mark as some kind of magical point in a PG. Whilst my losses have been before this time, I still don't ever feel that there is a 'safe' point - I worry about every little thing and don't think I will ever be stress-free.

I think you should be really proud of yourself for how you handled the situation with your new nephew. I cannot possibly imagine how hard that would have been for you, and the fact that you held it together at that time is a tremendous achievement. Don't feel bad that you weren't so good afterwards - it's totally understandable that it would make you think even more about Alex and that 'that should be you soon'. To tell you the truth, even though I am now approaching 24w on Thursday, people still seem to make the mistake that just because I'm PG and it's going along ok, that it somehow makes everything better. It certainly doesn't. I still see little newborns and I think how I should have given birth in February and that I should already be pushing a pram. I'm always thinking 'that should have been me'. I'm so eternally thankful for our little tiger and always will be, but I still miss my little angels each and every day and I don't/won't/can't see our little one as a replacement for them - that's simply not possible. I guess from all of that I'm trying to say that it seems fairly common for those of us who have been down this path to have these feelings of 'should haves' and 'what ifs' and that if/when you TTC again, you probably still will. I don't mean to frighten you by that, and I can tell you that they're less intense, but still there, or at least they are for me.

Don't ever apologise for using these forums to vent - it's exactly what they are here for and sometimes it really helps to be able to get things off your chest. Just know that we care and will read your posts and support you in whatever way we can.

once again kirsty, you should be so proud of how you did with your little nephew. It must of taken alot of courage, both during and after the time you spent, when you were able to reflect on the experience.

I know what you mean about fluctuating emotions, I feel like I am on a rollercoaster, that I am feeling better and then someone asks me how I am, or makes a simple comment, or something reminds me of our loss (and there are lots of those) and I get really sad again. I really snapped at DH the other day which I don't noramlly do. I was really upset and he asked when my counsellor appt was, and it was just bad timing, and I snapped into, "do you think I am a crackpot or something" mode.

I agree with tootie that you can move on, but you can never forget. I don't think we should even try to forget as we should remember these little souls that have touched us. Whilst I am not in the physical sense, I don't feel like I have been a mother emotionally to these souls, and that the have changed me and that they have left me with something. Sometimes I feel like they have left me with a war wound, but most of the time, I feel that they have left me with something special, something I can't describe with words. I know that ttc will be really hard, and I know a little bit of me wants to hold back from committing just to see that it is going to be alright so I don't get as hurt. But I know at the same time, that each little soul deserves as much love as it can possibly get and that I can't hold back and not let myself emotionally attach, if I get hurt, it just has to be that way. I do feel blessed that I have had these little souls come into my life, even if it was just for a short time. It is amazing when I talk to women who have had m/cs years ago who still say that they never forget, it is like noone ever can, that they are changed forever.

I can totally understand why you are worried, considering your experiences not just with Alex, but with James also. I hope the ob has some answers, some positive ones, it sounds like you really need to know why this is happening. We are also awaiting some test results, and it is amazing what tricks my mind can play on me trawling through all the possibilities, it is hard to slow it down at times.

Keeping hanging in there, and hoping today is a little easier than yesterday for you, Meg

thanx for the support, today not really much better as it is 4wks ago today that the whole situation really occurred. Well it is the 2nd time that my waters had gone (I also experienced the same thing on 13th of March- only difference being an U/S showed that our baby still had fluid around it & my cervix was still closed) & the start of our rollercoaster. Each day does get slightly easier but at the moment it doesn't take much for the tears to start. I find myself rubbing my belly only to stop when I realise there is no point as our little angel is no longer there. Am really missing being pregnant (sore boobs, uncomfortable nites sleep & all!) & the feeling of our little man being in there, as I had just started to feel his kicks & movements. So that side of it is hard. Am still dreading the app. with the OB next Wed & what he might say. DH is being great but I am starting to feel a bit pressured to say that we'll jump back on the wagon & try for another baby already (think this may be coming not so much from him as from other guys that he has been talking to - you know the good old "have another one & she'll be right mate"). I know he is worried about ages as he is 37 & I am 30 but keep trying to tell him that another 6mths won't make that big a difference in the long run. Am really getting sick of people saying how lucky we are to have James, as if we have forgotten that. Just can't help feeling that they should understand that we should be lucky enough to have James & Alex healthy. But as some have been honest enough to say they don't really understand so don't really know what to say or how we feel. So my thinking is if you think you would say the wrong thing then don't say anything at all. But enough of that, DH just home from work so must go.

Tootie- if you read this hope all is still going well for you & you are going great!

Meg - hope things are looking up for you, keep strong & lots of cyber hugs :hugs: coming your way.

To everyone else hope life is good

Hey Kirsty,

Yep, guys definitely deal with this is an entirely different way to us. I know a lot of it is the physical aspect of it (that we talked about before) but I also think that a lot of guys have trouble coming to grips with the emotional side of it and therefore try to brush it aside as quickly as possible. I don't mean that in a bad way, i.e that they don't care, as they certainly do, but I think sometimes that they don't want to be seen to be emotional or grieving because it's just not what men do, and they feel that their role is to stay strong for you IYKWIM?? It's a hard situation because whilst it's great to have someone who is strong through the hard times, sometimes all you really need is for them to cry with you IYKWIM, rather than try and be tough about it. It's just their nature unfortunately and I don't know as any of us can change that no matter how much we might try. My DH cried once and that was it - after that I knew things were taking a toll on him but he tried to brush everything aside. It was a hard time on both of us, but we battled through.

I can only imagine how frustrating it is to have people tell you that you should be thankful for James. It's just like you say - as if you weren't for goodness sake! He is not a consolation prize and it doesn't lessen the loss of Alex in any way. I'm so sorry that you're receiving these kinds of comments as I know they don't help. I admire the people who have said to you that they don't understand so are unsure of what to say or how you feel - it's great that they have been honest with you and it demonstrates to me that these people are highly concerned about you and are thinking of your feelings. Some people really don't know what to say and I found it a relief when people acknowledged that because at least I knew they were trying to consider our feelings rather than saying something like "it's natures way" which can be quite hurtful. I don't think anyone ever means to be hurtful by these comments, but because they don't understand the situation or don't think quite as much about it, they have a tendency to say these kind of things without thinking first. I positively HATED these kinds of comments and would fluctuate between wanting to really rip into people about it and being rendered totally speechless.

I'm not sure what to suggest about TTC again and that you feel pressured. I can only suggest that perhaps if you're feeling pressured it isn't a good time as you really need to prepare yourself emotionally for the journey and when you have things so fresh in your mind, it can be pretty hard. Maybe when you feel that you can talk about it some more with your DH, you should go over these issues so that he fully understands your feelings on it, as opposed to the thoughts he has received from some of his friends IYKWIM? You may need to discuss it several times (in fact I'm 100% positive that you will) before you are both in agreement about what you should do, and are both comfortable with that. It can be hard when you're in different 'places' emotionally but with lots of talking about your feelings I'm sure you will get there.

Holy cow...I've rambled on tonight! Sorry Kirsty! Hope you're still awake after reading all that!!!

Thx Tootie, am busy working myself into a terrible state before our app Wed next week with the OB. Am absolutely positive he is going to tell us that we won't be able to have another baby - don't worry I know how irrational I am being but I just can't help feeling that - DH of course tells me I am being a dill & that of course we'll be able to have another baby. He is being so positive about it all, but that is just his way. When things started to go wrong with Alexs' PG he was the one who kept saying that everything would be alright. He is being terrific but I find myself resenting him sometimes for the fact that he is able to move on much easier than I am, I know it is not his fault but I think that sometimes when I turn on him that is why. Sometimes I feel like he has forgotten about Alex already. I know he isn't big on showing his emotions - he never has been - but I end up feeling like he can't trust me to tell me how he is feeling & that hurts the most. The only way I get him to talk to me was to threaten to leave him for a few days to give him some time to think about what he wanted for our future. He then sat down with me & we talked & cried for over 3hours about how we felt. I just feel that after being together this long it shouldn't take such a drastic action to make conversation occur especially when it is about something like that. Anyway I better go before I end up getting into the swing of my rant & end up writing a novel & boring you to death.

Don't worry Kirsty, you won't bore me to death! Talk away!

I think when you've had such a terrible time it's only natural to assume that there is nothing positive that will ever come into your life again. You see the negatives in everything IYKWIM? I think that's why you might be expecting the worst at your OB appt? We're all guilty of doing this, and I can honestly tell you that I have too - many many times. You just get to a point where you think that there is no way your hopes and dreams will ever be realised and fully prepare yourself for the worst. It's also a way that we use to protect ourselves somehow from further hurt - or at least a way that we use to TRY to protect ourselves.

No, it shouldn't take such drastic action to draw conversation from your DH, but then I think we all have this problem from time to time. I think guys just find some issues waaaay too confronting and difficult to talk about. This imparticular, since they can't possibly ever in a million years relate to the physical side of it, and that as a woman you feel that having children is like what you're "meant" to do IYKWIM?? It can be really frustrating when your DH seems to be in a different place emotionally too - I know I found myself getting really angry at my DH because he seemed 'alright' most of the time and didn't really raise the issue with me - whereas I felt all-consumed by it and felt like a total wreck 24/7. This is a highly testing time for you guys...it's a time when you are at your absolute lowest. Don't doubt your ability to get through this together, as frustrating as it is that they don't share their feelings as much. It's easy for me to say that, I know. But I want you to know that what you're experiencing now isn't uncommon or irrational - it's just the space you are in right now, and need to be in. In time I'm sure you will feel less angry with your DH - I know I did, but it's one of those things that takes time and hopefully by talking here it will also help.

Am having a much better day today (even though I am still in a tizz about next Wed), my MIL has come & taken James away for a few hours so that they can have a play & I have decided that I am going to pamper myself for a few hours. (After I clean up the mess my darling boy made before he left) Am starting to cope better with the daily grind of life, but I still have my shockers too, guess we'll get there. Anyway I'll be off now as I can hear the bathtub calling my name.

ah bath, we don't have one at the moment and am buying a new house so we will in a couple of weeks. I have starting doing a bit of a pamper too, went and had my eyelashes and brows tinted, something I hadn't done whilst preg as was worried about the dyes, fat lot of good it did! Think I will just live life normally next preg and be a bit more relaxed about the right things to do. IKWYM re good and bad days. I am having mostly good days, but still catches up with me now and again. Goodluck for Wed- will let you know how I go Tues. Hoping each day is getting easier and you are travelling well today. Enjoy lots of pampering- this is the time to focus on being kind to ourselves.

Meg, am thinking of you today & hope you got some answers at your OB appt. Hope you are keeping well & enjoying the pampering! I loved every minute of my bath the other night & can't wait to find the time to have another one (have to persuade DH to have James for me). Am not looking forward to our OB appt. tomorrow, guess I am scared of what he will say, but am trying hard to only think positive thoughts.
I see you have posted in TTC, you are so strong! I've thought about it but want to wait until after tomorrow to see what Dr has to say.
Keep strong & catch you later

well I'm not sure if it is good news or not, but I tested positive for antiphospholipid syndrome, basically a condition where there is an abnormal immune reaction which increases clotting and stops the right amount of blood flow getting to the baby. I hope this is the only prob as he wants to stop doing all other tests. We should be more successful next time as I will take aspirin to stop the clotting. I will have a much higher risk pregnancy though, so it is a bit scary. I think I am going to get a second opinion re management. I feel a bit p...... off that a simple blood test could have found the cause all along and maybe prevented this happening. I am not sure whether I am relieved to have found an answer or not.

Anyway, enough of my prattling. I wish you all the luck and good fortune in the world for your appt tomorrow and hope you get some good answers. Take care of yourself and let me know how you go, in whatever forum you feel comfortable posting in. Sending you super cyberhugs, Meg

Meg - I'm pretty sure that Melinda Kilby on the other forum has this syndrome and she has taken a low dose of asprin and is now nearly 12w with everything going well.

IKWYM about being totally crapped off that a simple blood test could find something like this....it's something that really bothers me actually. It bothers me that OB's etc won't do these kind of routine tests until you've had 3 m/c. I mean, 1 is painful enough, let alone 3, and when you can find something like this that will most likely prevent it from happening again, it makes you pretty angry. Thankfully I was able to have all my tests done after 1 as I was such a wreck, but it seems that with some OB's, they just don't pay attention to that emotional factor. I'm really sorry that you have had to find out this way.

I am glad that they have found an answer for you though Meg as it's something that is treatable and manageable with a low dose of asprin. I know it's frustrating to think that perhaps your losses could have been avoided, but at least there is something that can be done about the condition.

Definitely seek a 2nd opinion if that's what you would like to do - and you are quite entitled to that, and I know that you have an appt with another OB in a couple of weeks time. I'm fairly certain however that you will be given the same information in terms of managing the condition, but it's good to hear it from another expert.

Hey Meg,

Just wanted to let you know that our OB recommended the low dose asprin for us for the same problem. I've got all my digits crossed that it will work for both of us... I've heard some pretty positive stories.

At least now you have a reason, even if it was too late. I really hope that your next little one is made of superglue :)

kirsty- wondering how things went for you today. Know that we are thinking of you and here to support you whichever way things went. Hoping you at least got some answers. Meg

Our OB appt went alright when we eventually got in to see him (just as it was our turn he got called to assist with a delivery so we had a 1/2hr wait). He asked how I was doing & if I was coping ok, then he showed us the test results of Alexs' genetic tests which showed that he was a perfectly normal little boy. So that ruled out any problems with having another baby at some stage. He did say that it wasn't anything to do with my cervix which leads him to believe that I had an infection in my placenta, which may have been caused by a bleed that I had around wk8 of my PG. He thinks the clot may have sat there for a little while before I actually had the bleed & that allowed some sort of bug in & it slowly worked its way up to my placenta. So he was really positive about our chances of having another baby if we are up to trying & when we asked about a time limit he said we could start now if we wanted. Also said that my weight or BP didn't play a part in what happened either. We asked what we should do if we fall PG again as far as PG care goes & we are able to share care with our local GP (our OB is an hour away from where we live) & go to the OB for more specialist care. He has suggested that he would see us at about 12wks & do an u/s & some swabs of my cervix & vagina to make sure that there are no bugs present that shouldn't be. Then see us again at about 16wks to make sure everything looks ok. Also said that if we had another bleed early in PG to come straight over to Warrnambool Hospital & he would see us. So he has been really great & we can't praise him highly enough. Not that our Dr here in Portland didn't so all that he could but he is only a GP & we really feel we would like the slightly more informed care of an OB next time round. We'll probably still wait at least 6mths as I want to go to Weight Watchers & lose some weight first, mainly to get myself fitter & better prepared for what PG does to your body. So while the outlook is much better for the chance of us having another baby I still need some time to get my head around it all & to have the faith to try again. But we'll get there I'm sure.
Have even bit the bullet & been in to see about going back to work & am going back in about a fortnight, so I guess that will be an experience.

Meg - so glad to hear that you have got some answers & here's fingers crossed that when you decided to try again that all goes exceptionally well for you. Know what you mean about being upset that a blood test could have picked it up & you could have been treated for it before now, but be grateful that they have discovered it now & you can be looked after properly. Always seek a 2nd opinion if you are not sure, after all it is up to you & it is your choice. Sending you hugs & hope all is well.

I am so pleased for you Kirsty that you have some answers, and that there is no reason you can't carry another child. It sounds like the extra montoring will also be really needed, just to check along the way and put your mind at ease.I too am feeling much better about things, so here's hoping that we will both have healthy babies some time in the future. Take care.
Meg

Hi Kirsty - thanks for letting us know how you went at your OB appt. It's good to hear that there is no reason why you won't be able to have more children. I know nothing can ever replace Alex, but at least you now have some answers and can try and plan for the future as best you can.

Please keep us posted on how everything goes for you ok? It would be great to hear how you are progressing with the return to work and your plans for the future when you are up to it.

All the very best of luck.

Well today isn't such a great day as I've had a visitor come to stay for a little bit that I really don't want to deal with just yet. But I've got no choice as :af: came this morning & now I guess I'm feeling like s#@* because it kinda symbolises the fact that Alex really is gone & life is returning to some sort of normalcy. DH has got no idea as to why I am feeling so low & crying about it, he sees it as good because things are returning to how they should be & that means well for the future. I suppose it comes back to the fact that until bubs is born it isn't such a big deal for them as it is for us. He has cracked the s#@*s with me this morning because I wouldn't talk to him about how I was feeling, so he has gone out woodcutting rather than try to deal with me & my feelings. I know I have been a b#$&! to him at times, but that is only because often I feel like even after I've told him how I feel I am still left to deal with it by myself. So I guess I've gotten into the habit of not bothering to tell him coz it's not worth the hassle of saying it out loud to him & then dealing with it myself. By the same token he can be annoying too as after our OB visit I was trying to be positive & talk about the future & having another baby & when I'd ask him his feelings & thoughts about it all, he'd just keep saying "ultimately it's your choice coz it's your body". That is even more annoying coz it's not just my choice, he has to be ready to take this trip again, I certainly don't do it by myself & i certainly don't intend to do it by myself. But I guess we'll survive.
Life really knows how to throw you curve balls, we had friends come around Friday nite to tell us the news that they are almost 11wks PG, it seems that anywhere we look there are friends that are PG & just PG women everywhere in general. But we'll cope, they treated me like I was going to break down when they told us, I am over the moon for them. What sort of friend would I be if I wasn't?

Tootie- hope all is progressing well with your PG & you are keeping well.

Meg- hope you are feeling positive about your news & keeping yourself well. Is DH home yet?

Here's to healthy & happy PGs for all now & in the future

AF certainly is a huge reminder, and I know if you are like me, you rational self will tell you it is good (I haven't seen AF yet), but who can be rational about these things when there is lots of emotions (and hormones) tied up in it all. I know my DH is a little bit the same in terms of what he wants to do, as in it is up to me. I think that sometimes the non commitment or not longing for something can be taken by me as that he is not intrested or doesn't that, but I think it is more that he really doesn't have a strong preference which is OK. I know that DH and I have been a little bit naughty this month and I don't that anything will happen (it is probably good if it doesn't! and my body will get a rest), but the fact that he actually was keen for something to happen I thought was good, so we have decided to leave it up to the universe to decide when we are ready.

Have you told your DH that when you have tried to talk to him, you still feel like you are doing it alone, and that you need for him to talk more about how he feels, because he would feel something (even if he doens't want to admit it). Perhaps you should work out for yourself how he can support you specifically, is it in practical ways or in emotionally ways and ask him to give you those specifics. Sometimes, I think that guys just aren't sure what to do. I'm sure you will get through it and I'm sure when you embark on this journey again he will be there.

I know about preg friends. I have a friend who is due 2 weeks before my second date and I have found it so hard. I have told her that and that I needed space and she was good with that. I think I am about in the right space now to call her and actually be happy for her, without being immensely jealous. I know that my journey is different from hers and that I will get there, and my prospects are looking better now (phew) even if it may still be a bit rocky. It is so hard though. You never realise how many reminders will be around until you are in that situation.

Anyway, take care and hope tomorrow is better. You will have bad days still, so don't beat yourself up if you need to go and have a cry or feel angry or really sad, but you will make it.

Aaaaah guys, what a strange species they are! I had the "it's your choice because it's your body" line several times too - I honestly think it was his way of being supportive when I look back at it, because I know he wanted to have a baby, but was struggling to accept how I felt (as well as his own feelings) and knowing how to cope with me was a different thing altogether.

Whilst AF arriving can be a good thing in terms of physical healing, it is a painful reminder of your loss and where you should be right at this point in time IYKWIM. It's a hurdle that can be difficult to overcome, but you will. AF is far from nice at the best of times, but now it is probably at the hardest it will ever be for you. Each day that passes, is one less day of AF lingering around for you IYKWIM, so it won't be long until that side of things goes away. It can be hard when your body starts signalling that it's healing by the arrival of AF, when emotionally you don't feel that you have healed, or are anywhere near ready to move on too. It's like these 2 parts, the physical and the emotional are out of whack somehow and it can be a brutal blow to your emotional side.

In terms of your friends telling you about the PG - it was nice that they came to see you personally to share their news because I think it demonstrates that they were genuinely concerned about you. I don't think they would have thought any less of you had it upset you because I'm sure that by visiting you with the news, they understand that you are having a very difficult time right now IYKWIM. So don't think you're any less of a friend for feeling a bit upset about it - they sound like the kind of friends who can probably deal with that and understand it. That said, I know it can be very hard as you want to demonstrate that you are ok, and that you're happy for them and can cope with the news.

I hope you are having a much better day today.

Hey Kirsty,

I just wanted to see how you're doing today? I understand what it's like to have AF arrive when you shouldn't be seeing her for months. It really sucks. I cna't find any other words than those.

I'm not good with the words of wisdom, or really much else, but I will let you know that my thoughts are with you and I'm sending hug vibes your way. Hope you feel a little better tomorrow.

Meg, hope you're doing ok too :)

Dear Meg, Tootie & Zola
Thanx heaps for the support you guys have been giving me, it really means a lot to be able to talk freely & openly without feeling you are being judged or saying the wrong thing.
Am coping better with AF now & know that it was bound to happen just didn't want to think about it & all that it meant. As I said to DH it is just another thing that I feel is leaving me bahind a bit, but I guess we'll cope & actually getting is a good sign. I say this after all my ranting about it because the reason it took us 3yrs to conceive James was because AF & ovulation were all over the place (it was 5-8wks between sightings of AF) until I went to a naturopath who got my cycle worked out. After having James my cycle went back to a regular 28day one, & I guess in the back of my mind I'm worried it may go back to being weird again & taking us forever to conceive, so getting AF within the normal time after giving birth is a good thing.
Spoke to DH the other nite about still feeling alone in dealing with some issues regarding the future & choices we have to make. He actually had a conversation about it so am guessing that that is a major breakthrough! Asked him when did he think he'd be ready to try again & he told me that if it was totally up to him, we'd be trying now. I have kinda a weird question to ask & please don't answer if you're not comfortable to do so! Here goes - DH said to me the other day that now he wants to have sex with me all the time & that maybe subconciously he is thinking that he just wants me to be PG again & that he appreciates me so much more now. Has anyone else's DH reacted this way after a m/c?
I don't want to pry so as I said before don't answer if you are not comfortable.
Am looking forward to going back to work & at the same time am dreading having to face all the customers who knew I was PG & all the questions that will come. Spoke to my supervisor today about going back to work & she was great. Told me we could take it one week at a time if that was what it took to get back into the swing of things & being comfortable there. So that is good to know. Also told me that she is looking forward to having me back, it's nice to hear.
Enough of my rambling for now.
Meg- hope all is going well for you & take care.
Tootie- hope everything is progressing nicely for you with your PG & that you are taking lots of time to spoil yourself while you still have the time.
Zola- know I haven't really spoken much to you, so please forgive me. Hope that all is well in your world & look forward to chatting with you more & getting to know you better.

Hey Kirsty,

I'm really pleased to hear that you're feeling a little better about the AF issue, and that you were able to sit down with your DH and get a few things out in the open. It really makes you feel a lot better in being able to talk openly about this kind of thing, but getting to the point where you can do that isn't always an easy task!

I think everyone's situation is different, and in terms of the way my DH reacted, it's similar and different all at the same time IYKWIM. When we discussed TTC again, he was willing to try immediately. It wasn't like your situation where he wanted to have sex all the time and appreciated me so much more though. That sounds bad doesn't it?! LOL It's not meant to sound that way! It was more that he really wanted us to have that baby and therefore wanted to keep on trying, and he wanted to try asap. I think he gained a new understanding of my feelings however. Well I'm not sure as 'understanding' is the right word to use, rather he became more aware of my feelings on being a Mum and how profoundly the losses had affected me IYKWIM. I know he said he couldn't possibly understand what it was like for me, but I think after all that we went through, and all the physical aspects of a m/c, he realised just how hard it was from both an emotional AND a physical POV, whereas he was dealing with the emotional aspect only, so I felt my burden was that much greater than his somehow. I think as a result, he gained a bit of an insight into how terrible a m/c can be just from a physical POV. I don't know if I'm making any sense whatsoever here, so forgive me if I'm totally rambling LOL.

Dear Tootie
IKWYM when it comes to talking about them not understanding the emotional POV. My DH has said the same thing that he didn't understand how badly it actually has affected me, he also says he does understand that it will take me more time to come to grips with it all. I just wish he would talk about Alex more sometimes, as there are times I want to talk about it & he doesn't. Like the other nite I told him that we might TTC around November this year, I wasn't asking him to sit down & talk about it right then & there but I did want him to know where my head is on this issue. He growled at me & said he didn't want to talk about it now coz he had to go to work. The appreciating me thing seems to be at his own leisure sometimes, although he did buy me flowers the other day (& they are lovely!) & he said maybe it's to do with me being the mother of his children. So don't know about that one. I find the fact that he wants to TTC again a big step, although after discussing it between the two of us we are not sure if we could do it again if something were to go wrong next time. I don't think I am strong enough for that at all & he has admitted that he's not. But here's to better luck next time.
Days are getting much easier to handle, though am still coming across people who are asking me how much longer we have got to go. So that still makes it kinda tough, but is getting easier to discuss it with people without ending up a blubbering mess. Though today in general not such a good day. Everything just seemed to overwhelm me today & burst into tears for no reason. DH asked what was wrong, but very hard to explain that it is just everything & nothing in particular. But I have to give him credit for trying.
Anyway will catch you later, & again thanx for letting me ramble on (my DH is trying to convince me to have a go at writing a book & has even gone so far as to get my mum on his side!!) but it means a lot to me to be able to waffle away & get whatever it is off my chest so huge thanx & :hugs: coming your way

Hey Kirsty,

Like you, I don't know if I could take it if anything were to go wrong again. 2 losses immediately following one another almost broke me and now of course being well over half way in this PG, I am a total nervous wreck. I couldn't possibly put into words how anxious I am. I just don't think I could cope if something were to go wrong now, but it's all that I seem to think about. I know it's perfectly natural, but it doesn't make it any easier!

I wish my DH were able to talk more openly about our lost little angels too. There have been times when we have talked about it and we did things to remember them by, but sometimes you just feel like talking about them don't you? I know he thinks about it, but that's different to having a discussion about them IYKWIM. Sometimes all you need is to hear them saying something about your little angels to make you feel better - it's like it would validate your feelings to some extent. It really made me angry and frustrated at times, but I've moved beyond those feelings now I think, and don't find myself angry at him for not talking about it. I guess I've realised that we both deal with grief and loss in different ways?! Not sure...all I can say is that yes it would be nice to talk about them more than we do, and I've accepted it's probably not going to happen but the main thing is that I know that he hasn't forgotten what has happened, and that's ok with me now. Make sense?! Probably not, I confuse myself sometimes LOL. As long as we both remember our little angels in our hearts, then that's the most important thing of all.

Writing a book huh? Have you ever thought about perhaps writing a letter to Alex? Sometimes that can really help too, particularly on the bad days where you really need to get things off your chest, or to have some kind of outlet for your feelings IYKWIM. It helped me, but then what necessarily works for one, doesn't necessarily work for others. I think it's important to try and do something to remember your little Alex by, and I'm not sure if you have done anything yet or not (forgive me if you have and it's escaped my memory - I blame hormones!), but perhaps if you haven't, in time you might think about what you would like to do, or perhaps something you think that Alex might have liked? Just a suggestion anyway.

Talk to you again soon.

Am coping much better with life now that AF is gone! Yesterday had it's moments as my Mum rang me to let me know that my cousin had a baby girl, which of course I'm thrilled for her, but I guess it is the whole reminder thing that we won't be experiencing that same joy this year. Am still finding it hard to cope with one of DH's friends as they are due to have a baby only a few weeks before Alex's EDD. Most other women I can cope with because I don't know them, & our other friend who has just let us know they are PG I can cope with as she is only in the first stages of it all. I know that time will make it even easier to deal with & that we'll get there.
We were talking about TTC (once again) the other night (the topic seems to come up quite often lately) & I told him that I'm not in the right mind frame to be PG yet. And I think that that makes a difference, being ready mentally to take the PG journey again. Especially as I know that at least for me it will be one fraught with worry until it works out one way or the other.
Tootie- I have often thought of writing a letter to Alex but haven't gotten around to it yet. Just looking at his foto's is enough to reduce me to a blithering mess. Have however kept a journal of all that we went through once our journey to Alex's birth began & I have found that to be a great relief for me. I also found it almost like a form of therapy just being able to write with no constrictions & not mattering what I wrote because it is mainly just for me (my DH & my Mum have both read it too).
I also kept a daily journal when I was PG with James too & now find that great to look back on. Have you done anything similar?

Meg- are you going ok? Haven't seen any recent posts from you & are hoping that you are going well. Has your OB been able to give you any more answers as to how they will monitor you in your next PG?

Must go for now as my In-Laws are coming for tea & must go & get some more stuff ready for them.
Hope everyone is well & enjoying life the best that they can

Hi Kirsty,

The journal you mentioned you had been keeping sounds like a great idea and very therapeutic. It really does help to do something like that because it's a way of getting all your feelings out, without the fear of someone judging you for it IYKWIM....because it's for you and you alone. It's nice that your DH and your Mum have read it though because it will help them to understand how you are feeling.

I think interacting with people who are PG right now can be one of the hardest parts of suffering a loss, because it's such a terrible reminder. Seriously, I still see people with little babies and think to myself that it should have been me now. I should have given birth in February, or be about to give birth now. The reminders are everywhere and are endless, but in time they become a little less painful to cope with.

It's really good that you've been open about how you are feeling in terms of TTC again and being mentally ready to take that journey again. You are exactly right, in that you need to be ready for it. To be honest with you, I don't know as you can ever be entirely ready or prepared for it following a loss IYKWIM. You can certainly go a long way towards preparing yourself as best you can, but I think that whether you TTC tomorrow or waited a year, you would still suffer some anxiety and fear over that journey. I don't want to scare you or anything like that, but I just thought it prudent to point out that those fears about what the future holds never fully disappear altogether. I guess they become more manageable, but a PG does tend to bring back a lot of memories too. Hope I'm making sense LOL.

Oh yes, I am keeping a PG journal. It's full of lots of stuff actually - I found it really useful to start my journal off by how I began on this journey, and how it began with 2 devastating losses. I did this because I want our little one to know just how special they are, and I also thought that if something ever happened to me, it might be a useful reference point from a medical POV IYKWIM. I also found this aspect of the journal to be a therapeutic one - I felt within myself that I needed to "talk" about my little ones openly to ensure their memory remains no matter what and after all, it was because of suffering those losses that I am where I am today and I felt I needed to acknowlege that too.