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My intention at this stage is that in the initial 1-2 weeks, while DH has time off work, we won't have any family stay to assist, I would like just DH and myself to get organised in our own routine and comfortable and then when DH returns to work perhaps getting mum and dad to come a stay to assist.
Is this realistic or will we be looking for help in those inital weeks as well?
bridee.
i had ashley on the sunday and DH went back to work monday. i came home tuesday and DH still works 7-8hr days. we have no family and therefore it has been just me and bub (and dh at night). we have coped fine.
i have enjoyed it because i have had the chance to listen and learn from my baby about her cues and what she likes etc without interference from family/friends.
i have friends that would race over at the drop of a hat but i haven needed them (although if they could breadtfeed for me at 3am that could b nice).
i think everyone is different but i have alays been independent.
we have family fly up to 'visit' - we have requested 3-4 nights only at a time. they will start visiting when ashley is 5 weeks old.
After one week at home I found my mother to be more hinderence than help - yes, it's nice not to cook dinner, but that's why I'd frozen down meals in advance. I found she was kindly holding DS so I could have a coffee... I wanted to play with my son! I didn't care about a hot coffee! DH and I managed fine before he went back to work. My mother meant changing routines because she knows babies, I don't, do it this way. You may get on with your mother more, but I found I was overridden on quite a few things and DH had to ask her to leave.
That's what I did - DH had 2 weeks leave from 3 days after the birth (he figured I had enough help in the hossy & he worked down the road so came before work, at lunchtime and after work), then Mum came up for the 2 weeks after that (and spoiled me by doing all the housework and cooking gourmet food - I love my Mum).
We had short (couple of hours max) visits from family during those four weeks - the house was a lot tidier then than it is now with a fast crawler about.
Ive found having one to two weeks with Dh home after the birth is brilliant. Ive never wanted other help at all so dont know if Id recommend it..for me..id rather feel comfortable in my own home and not worry about how im looking, feeling etc so I guess it depends on how comfortable you are with other people in your home. In terms of 'needing' them though..i shouldnt think so.
Jo
Had Chelsea on the Wednesday, came home on the Friday, my mum and dad were down til Sunday and DH went back to work on the Monday. Its hard but you cope.
After Claire was born, I spent 3 days in the hospital. DH then had the next week off work, which was great - it was great for just the two of us to 'get to know' Claire on our own. The next week MIL came to stay, and while its a lovely gesture of her, I actually found it more annoying than anything else. I didnt really want/need the help - I just wanted to be at home with Claire on my own but she was wanting to go out and do this and that and was even telling me to go out and she'll babysit (yah, cos youre going to breast feed her and all while I am out?? needless to say i didnt go out and leave her with mil.) So basically I hated it because it meant it was 2 weeks before I really got any mummy and daughter time, iykwim. (sorry if that sounds *****y, but i just wanted privacy and independance)
I had DD on the Wed via c-sect. Came home Monday, DH was back at work doing 10-12hour shifts on the Tuesday. All my family is interstate and noone came up/down/across. I (mostly) coped pretty well, what I couldn't do was left for DH (in regards to housework) and I have some wonderful friends who contacted me regularly to see if I needed anything (and of course to see if they could visit).
When I was pregnant I had instructed our families that I did not want anyone staying with us for the first two weeks as I wanted a chance to get to know my baby and settle in to being a Mum without any added stress. I am so glad I made that call! My family would have wanted me to take them to the discount shops (so not what I felt like doing!) and my MIL would have spent the entire time telling me I was doing things wrong (which I got over the ph anyway!).
I think what you have written sounds fine but feel free to tell people you don't feel like visitors if you don't. It is ok to change your mind and ask them to stay longer too. You won't really know how you feel until Bub arrives.
I get you, Karina - my mum insisted DH and I went out for an hour while DS slept, in that hour she woke him up to give him a formula bottle! She is never babysitting again. Ever in her life.
You do need mummy-baby time and having Grandma around doesn't help one bit!
ok i have to be honest and say my mum was a LIFESAVER in those first few weeks.
We were both new parents and both clueless to say the least....
Being over tired doesnt help neither! Mum didnt interfere, but did help with whatever we asked. Whether it was cleaning some bottles, washing the clothes, or just cuddling ds for an hour while we got some sleep.
Dh was home for 3 weeks so I was lucky but we still needed my mum as well.
Ryn, thats exactly why I didnt want to "go out to the shops and have a coffee" while MIL "babysat".. When I said no, she went and made a big deal out of telling people that I wouldnt let her babysit. It's just not practical for a baby less than two weeks old who is breastfed! (i couldnt express milk) She also used to be a midwife, so it was all well meaning advice and all that, but I still would have prefered to be on my own and be able to bond with Claire. She didnt really do much - she read her books all day and told DH not to do anything for me and to let me do everything for myself!!
Bridee, I think what you are going to do sounds just fine.. If you decide you are going to have some help, I guess it really depends on who is going to be there to help you and if you think you could handle them being there all day/every day/telling you do this do that etc. I coldnt handle it as I like to do my own thing and discover what works best for me, rather than being told what to do, if that makes sense. Mummy and baby time is really important, IMO, but a little bit of help is great too.
This is the exact same as us. We had my mum staying with us for the first week and it was a godsend.:
This time we are again having her stay with us for the first week, then she will be taking DS#1 to her place for a week so that Myself, DH and bubby have time to ourselves for a bit before mum brings the other one back home.
I had a similar experience to Karina, it end in me telling MIL where to go in not a very nice fashion, but she was coming out with the most horrendous (verging on dangerous) advice.
If you are already feeling like you don't want help in those first few weeks, then don't have any. That is how I felt, but I was talked into receiving it and it was the worst mistake I have made as a parent so far. Basically if the help comes with baggage then you are better of without it. Saying that though if you know there are those that can help in a nice, unobtrusive way then certainly accept it.
Maybe to make things easier on yourself, why not hire a cleaner for a month so you have less to worry about and have more baby bonding time. It is such a special time, make the most of it.
I would have rathered have help NOW rather than the first couple of weeks. Blake slept and fed for about 3 weeks and that was it, so much more simple than his screaming fits all day everyday! DH had no time off whatsoever (just lucky he was born on a Saturday) and mum had 2 weeks off to help when he was 2-4 weeks old.
Everyone is so different on this and I think it really comes down to what your relationship is like with your mum.
My mum and I are extremely close and I couldn't imagine NOT having her around to help when my kids first came home.
I was such a hormonal mess both times that DH was grateful for her to be here as well because she's the only person that can sort me out when I'm like that LOL.
When DD was born we arranged that I would come home on the Sunday and mum would give us a few days to settle down and she was coming on Thursday.
I got home Sunday afternoon and first thing Monday morning I was on the phone bawling and telling her to get here NOW. She lives a few hours away and she arrived that afternoon.
When I had DS she was there from the day I got home - which was good because I had an unexpected caesar so we really needed the help with Emily.
Just do what feels right to you, and leave your options open.
Bridee, like others have said, I think it depends on how comfortable you are with your parents. Our families were wonderful, though no one was actually staying with us - which TBH I think was a good thing. My folks were great, they and some of our friends made us meals, and did shopping and cleaning for us. It was really helpful and meant that we could just hang out with Natalie, which was lovely because DH was only home for the first week before going back to work.
It helped knowing that I had family around to talk to if I should need them, so in that sense I'd recommend it.
Geez, I hope I give birth on a Friday night! LOL My DF can't have time off work as we have our own business and he needs to be there 8-6 Mon-Fri!! He will have weekends with me. I'm feeling anxious and nervous about it all as I wonder "what if i need help and I'm home alone?" but I know if i REALLY needed him, he would come home and help out. It would be lovely for him to have a few days off with me to get settled into a routine but i don't think that will happen for us....
BUT in saying all that, I think that the sooner you get stuck into it all, the sooner you will get into a routine (I hope anyway!!)... I would find lots of family and friends staying all the time to be annoying.. I like my independence and personal space like karina said!
Hi,
Well like many have said, it is really down to how you think you are going. Is there any chance that you can not confirm someone to stay, but if you need them, you can call and get them over asap?
I know with my experience I needed my mum. I was discharged too early. (The hospital reckoned that needed the bed) I had an infection, and James couldn't feed. I was expressing then syringe feeding for the first week of his life. I was in tears daily and was exhausted, as expressing then syringing every 2 hours was exhausting. (He also wouldnt take bottle or boob)
My DH was then in a motorbike accident and broke his neck. He spent 3 months in a brace, and couldn't do anything. So mum didnt actually stay with us, but was basically here every day. Doing things like walking the dog, cooking meals, running the vac etc.
I actually ended up with Post natal depression, and spent a little bit of time in a mother/baby unit in hospital, and without support I dont think I would have managed at all.
The thing is to ask for help if you are at all in doubt. But if you don't need it don't feel that you have to accept it, just because it if offered.
With my first bub i had every one around and coming to stay with us in our tiny 2 bed house, it was so stressful for me and by the time everyone left i was a mess.
I would tell people to come and visit while you are in the hospital, at least that way you dont have to worry about everyone invading your space and then tell them that while your Dh is home you dont want anyone to stay as you want to get to know your bub and have some time to your selves to get to know each other and get into a bit of a routine, although your dont mind visiters as long as they ring you first to see if it is alright to come around.
If you are close to your mum and feel you might need her there than by all means have her but mabe tell her befor hand that if you think you are coping and would like some space you might ask her to leave so please dont be offfended or take it personaly, at least that way she would be prepared and then not hurt by your request.
Good luck
On having mums or MILs around - I think it all depends on their attitude. My mother has the view that new mothers don't need their baby looked after - they need their house cleaned and meals cooked. She is firmly of the view that the mother and baby need time alone without a PITA interfering - this is probably due to the fact that her own mother wasa takeover-merchant where I was concerned. Sooooo, I cautiously suggest that if you have a mum or MIL of GF who can be TRUSTED enough to be like this then it would be a bonus to have them around.
I had DH home for the first 2 weeks and our parents cautiously popped in during that time but mainly left us to ourselves which was great...then DH went back to work and i had a few meltdowns over the phone to mum and she came over - mainly to give me a chance to sleep when Izzy wouldnt! Now my MIL pops in two nights a week with dinner (I know how can you say no!!) and my mum visits/helps once a week. Because I had a caesar too mum would do the vacuuming etc too. Ive learnt to say no or we dont do that in a kind but firm way too!!!! Blabbing now - good luck!!!!
My mum was a godsend when I had the girls (unfortunately she died before Riley was born) When I had DD2 we lived in Darwin so she flew up for the week before the birth and stayed for a couple of weeks after, my dad came up when DD was born and stayed from then. Mum was brilliant, she never ever told me what to do or questioned my mothering and just did practical helpful things. I agree its completely dependant on your relationship with your mum /MIL how you work things, everyone is different.
I couldnt imagine having anyone else interfere in what i am doing, I am glad to be left alone to muddle it through.
I am extremely close to my Mum but I still wnat my family to be MY family!
I had Indah on Tuesday Morning went home on Thursday morning, Dh stayed home til Monday & then I was able to settle in with her & myself & I will be doing the same once Zyon arrives!
My DH will be taking time off work - although i dont think it will be full weeks as he runs his families business. So it will be a couple of days here and there.
My mum lives about 30 mins away and MIL lives 5 mins away and i am sure i am going to be chasing them away with a stick. I am like a few of the PP's, i feel i will want time to myself. If i need help i will ask for it. But knowing my mum and MIL they will be harping well meaning advice at me which isnt what i want.
I am dreading it already actually. But then i am a worrier and stress myself over these types of things way too early.
When I had my second I tried to be wonder woman, I had DD vaginally on the Thursday evening, came home Saturday lunchtime. Had Sunday with My DH and then monday was left with my then 3 yr old DS and newborn DD.
When DH got home from work I was a blubbering mess...considering it was also day 5 (baby blue day for me). He immediately got in the car and went and picked up his Mother who came to stay for the next five days.
She was a godsend, as she amused DS and cooked meals etc. She also had had 6 children in her time, and was wonderful at leaving my new DD and me alone.
This time around I think I should be ok. It will be an achievement though getting DS & DD to school by 830am, but I guess it will come down to being organised the night before, just in case new bubba and I have a sleepless night.
Bridee I think its a great idea to invite your parents after DH goes back to work. That gives you and DH and Bubs time to bond as a family.
GOODLUCK!