How do you know when u have enough love for another?

so im not really sure where to post this for the best feedback...
I know i want more kids, i want them so bad... but at the moment i am torn between waiting and going ahead. I want to wait for a number of reasons, I spose the main one being i cant possibly imagine sharing my Eden time with anyone else, also i think i'd miss out on all the amazing things she does and we share, and i wouldn't want her to miss out on me either... We do everything together, we're never apart, we sleep together and wake up next to each other, I carry her everywhere... I also want Eden to know i am pregnant and understand and be excited and know what is happening and to be at the birth of her sibling...
How do you know when you have enough love for more than one child? How will I ever get my head around this? It is constantly on my mind.. It makes me so sad some times that what i have now with Eden might disappear.. Has anyone else had this struggle or am i just being silly...
Any stories or shared thoughts are graetly appreciated.
xoox

Gill, your feelings are very normal. I think most mums with one kid thinking about more feel the same way. I know I did. But then number 2 came along and he brought a whole heap more love with him. I love Jack as much as I did, but now I love Tom that much too. It's amazing how much capacity for love we have. And now, several times a day I watch the boys playing together, hugging each other, reaching out for each other in the morning, lighting up at the sight of each other, and I think wow, whatever Jack missed out on having to share me with his brother, he sure made up for by having a brother to love (and be loved by). And I wouldn't change a thing.

Melanie R- thanks for replying so quick...and they are close in age too... did you plan that? Did you find it hard, or do you find it hard... I think about that - lighting up when they see each other. Eden lights up when shes sees other babies and family she recognises so i can imagine a baby thats her sister/ brother she'd go nuts over

My 2 kids will be no more then 10.5-11 months apart....i will have the time and the love for them both. I couldnt imagine a bigger age gap. Chelsea may not understand shei s going to be a bigger sister in a tad over 13 weeks time but she sure will eventually. I would devote every minute of my life to them both.

Some told me im robbing Chelsea of her life, not allowing her to grow up and be herself. But i have room in my life for her sibling... now and in the future. I have more then enuf love to share.. and my love will continue to grow each and every second i see Chels and feel bub move and kick.

I waited....i was preg 6 weeks after birth....that was long enuf for me... M2 was not a mistake but very much planned and welcomed by DH and me... maybe not by 90% of everyone else... but it was our choice.

Yes they are close, 19 months (would have been 20 but Tom was early!). We were TTC but I was happily surprised about how quickly it happened. I think in our case a small gap has worked well as the boys are great mates. Jack has not had any jealousy, he loved Tom from day one. And he was just old enough to understand about Tom being a baby and his brother etc, and also independent enough that he could do things himself while I was feeding a baby etc.

It has it's moments Gill, but overall it's not too hard. I was sick a lot during the pg, so I found that hard with a toddler. At times I wondered if I was mad. And also the first 6 weeks or so with a new baby were very full on (especially as all our plans were thrown into chaos by the early arrival and DH ended up having to be off from work while I was in hossy and then go back to work). And there are days when they are both teething or sick and it's exhausting. But mostly, on a day to day basis it just isn't as hard as I thought it would be. They both sleep at the same time most days so I get things done (and time to myself). And they both go down for the night early as well. Tom's routine has slotted in around Jack's nicely. Also, they play together well so I can get things done while they play together for a while. As I said in the other post, I have no regrets and wouldn't change a thing.

but why am i completely flooded with these thoughts? why does it seem that my body is screaming to be pregnant again but my heart says, maybe wait? I feel so indecisive about this... Its driving me mad, totally consuming me ...maybe i will know when its right because my head, heart and womb will all be on the same page???

I'm not sure that it works that way! Once you are a parent, you feel so protective of the child you have. You also feel guilty about pretty much everything.Therefore every decision is that much harder to make.

I know exactly what you mean. I wondered if I was doing the right thing by Jack. Especially when I was pg. But now I know I was. And having a second child might not be the right thing for everybody. For me it was. I don't know about you. But if your heart is telling you to do it so badly, maybe it's right! If you are worried about having enough love, don't, I'm sure you will. If you are worried about how DD will react, well I don't know the answer to that. But my guess is that there will be good times and bad times, but in the end the good times will win out.

I think when you're 100% ready, you'll know.

I did fall prg when DD was 12 months but sadly we lost our angel. I am now prg again and I still wonder about sharing my time and my love, even though there will be a much bigger age gap than I ever wanted and we went through hell and back to have this baby.

It is a very personal choice. Kim is having her babies very close together and obviously for her, that is right. But for me it wouldn't be, I'd feel like my DD was missing out on that special time when it's just me and her. For everyone that 'time' is different.

Kim sweetie, I honestly mean you no offence when I say that, I know how happy you are to have another little bundle on the way and I think that's wonderful, I'm just trying to make the point that what works for one isn't right for another.

No thats fine Willow... no offence taken hun. As u said.. whats right for one..may not be for another. :)

thanks ladies, ur feedback is so greatly appreciated.... it can be such a lonely place tho, when u need to rely on urself and it feels that you cant... I agree.. the guilt of this decision is what makes it so hard. I believe when it is time i will know...

like most other ppls comments i agree that different ppl have very diff opinions on this. i am due Nov and will have a 20 month age gap. this was planned as we wanted them close. For me the reasoning behind this is i am alot closer to my Sisters (i have a twin and one who is 2 yr younger) than i am to my older sister (8 yr dif) We also thought while we still have all of our baby gear and still in practice now would be perfect. i know i will love this baby just as much and think of what i am giving my DD rather than what she will be missing. My husband also wanted this 2nd bub but now worries that he wont love it as much or the same way. on the other hand i have a close friend expecting the same time as me and her DD will be 5 she chose to wait so No 1 is at school and will be lots more help. It's def up to the individual but deep down you should know what you want. good luck in the decision making.

Gil I think every first time motherfeels this way,I think evey mother asks herself "How can I possibly love another child". It is very normal to have these thoughts. I had them, I couldn't imagine loving another child, I felt like I was cheating on her, she was my entire world, all through my pregnancy with Makayla I felt to guilty, like I was taking something away from her by having another baby, But I was soooooooooooo Wrong, lol and I have the hindsight and experience to laugh at myself and have a little giggle at first timers expense on this very issue.
Love does not divide, Love is not limited, you will feel such emmense feelings of love and joy for your second child and it will not affect your love for your first child. I love my children equally (maybe not all on the same day, lol). The greatest gift you can give your child is a sibling, I know Eden has a Sister already, But she is so much older then her, which is great for later but to grow up with a sibling and share the journey. JMO but with your DH being not so young,:P lol. I would have another one sooner then later, but that's just me. I never put much thought into falling pg except for Allanah and that took a couple of years.:P You are not being silly it is a perfectly normal and common thought.

You'll See........

Dee

o Dee, i definately wanna have another, and prolly two more... its just when.. and exactly what you said- Paulie is 41 soon... so i have to think of that, and i dont wanna have to be forced into this decision, IYKWIM? it is so lovely to see Eden with Emma, apart from mummy and daddy Emma is the only person she has never cried with.. and just now at the park Eden nearly fell asleep on Emma's shoulder, so beautiful. I guess i just want the baby stage not to be missed? make sense? its like every second counts now, as they get older i think its easier... But this talking has really helped, thanku so much everyone.
xoox

Never, never have I stopped to think about how I would have enough love, or time or anything for another!

It's never been an issue or a thought! Maybe because my Dh & I had issues falling pregnant with #2, but at no time have I ever wondered how or what, or why.

I have heard friends say thye werent sure they could have another due to being so in love with their 1st baby... I also felt & had & still have immense love & a close relationship with Maddison, but I also feel the same about Indah, as I know I will about Zyon...

I know that love just gets bigger you dont start off with 1kg of love & have to share that amount, it jsut grows!

I hope this doesnt come out wrong as I am not doubting anytone else's opinions, feelings etc..

But honestly I have never ever had those feelings, I just knew & if I was younger & hadnt had such a HUGE gap between #1 & 2, I reckon 6 wouldnt have been too many for us!!!

You will know, although a friend of ours has just conceived #2 their oldest is almost 5, she was adamant she'd neverjavbe anymore coz she couldnt love another like she loved her son!?? She was very open & opinionated about only loving him & not having room to love another! Well it has taken them 5yrs!??

Best of luck, it will be the right time, whenever it happens!!!

Personally for me, we have always wanted 3 chidlren so since day one with Flynn I have had that at the back of my mind. I adore the little guy, but even as a little bub if I was in the middle of going to the loo or something I couldn't stop and he'd cry I'd say to him (and myself) "mate you are gonna have to get used to waiting, cause one day you will have a brother or sister. Not that he listened to me of course! But it helped me get used to the idea. Maybe you could try doing similar things?
I am also reading a good book at the moment about these sorts of issues and the dilemmas of loving more than one - it is called "Three Shoes, One Sock and No Hairbrush - everything you need to know about having your second child". You can get it pretty easily on Amazon and I do recommend it.

OMG Gill... imagine having two of Eden!! I'll come baby sit night or day for you... Eden really is just a little doll ;)

I think its a pretty normal feeling to have.
Someone, I think its a mod, as something like 'love doesn't divide it multiplies' but a bit more eloquently put in their signature and I think its really true.
I've thought the same sorts of things a few times myself, but I keep bring myself back to the thought that we have an amazing ability to love, and that with each child we have the love will just grow.

Tracey- maybe i just worded the question wrong... i have no doubt that i have enough love for many children... i think its more the timing im worried about... and maybe im also concerned about a small house and money and no family close by... I cant wait for Eden to look at a baby and for her to go... o a baby that belongs to my family, caz shes so in awe of babies now... and im scared of getting all caught up in wanting to be pregnant again and then worrying too much or feeling guilty and ruining the experience... Maybe i should just put it out of my mind and when i get a slap in the face(like i did with the need for Eden) I will know it is time...
Did i mention to you all i dont even have AF back yet,... LOL so it is prolly just me making a mountain out of a molehill.. altho its nice to hear im not alone.

Totally agree with Tracey.....love does just grow. You arent born with a certain amount....i guess its hard to fathom...'how can i love another child as much as i love my DD?"......it just happens.....you will wonder how life was WITHOUT another little one...KWIM? Good luck in the TTC journey....when it happens !

Motherhood is full of worry and guilt, lol. But it's also full of love and joy, wonder and awe. Don't forget it takes roughly 9 months to incubate one of these cherished angels. A lot can happen in 9 months, lol. My AF hasn't returned yet either, have had a bit of spotting now though, it has been 13 months since I had Nathan, so it's probably not to far off. Gotta love the boobies. I kinda believe in fait and leaving it until all your ducks are in a row may take you alot longer then you really wanted. Although in saying that maybe you should hold off til Eden is aleast 12 months old, that way you have had your babymoon with her and she will be walking, well maybe. There is 19 months betweem Melissa and Nathan and Melissa would come and kiss my belly and rub it and say hello baby. so They do know. I think Kim is a very brave woman and like my bestie she has a very close gap between babies, but although it was hard work she loves every minute of it. Her babies don't miss out she has room for cuddles with both at the same time, lol. As I said we left it to chance and still got roughly two year age gaps except for Allanah, see even before she was concieved she was high maintenance, lol. Your concerns are very valid, and I don't see any mountanous molehills around here. 97% of parents have anxiety about having and raising their children, the other 3% are in denial, lol:P hehehe
As Mbear said "you will wonder how you ever lived without them". Only time and the experience will tell, babe.

I had my last three in 3 1/2 years,it is very hard work, I'm not gunna lie to ya!! But it's so wonderful to see them so close. They are not babies forever and I think as they get a bit bigger they appreciate having a sibling to paly with, some one on hand to play with them. I find that although my big girls play with the younger ones it's mostly more supervisory then actual play and mischief. I'm so glad they all have each other.

Thanks Dee..

One of the very first articles I wrote: Loving Two

:

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I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

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ooo Kelly, mmmm i know it can be done and i will... just you know? thanks, makes me feel less silly, thats exactly how i feel.
xoox

Gill, I was EXACTLY the same till I pushed little Seth out ;) My mind would flitter back and forth from how wonderful it would be to, how can I do this to Paris. But I am so glad I did because she has someone else to love and who loves her. She has a mate.

Strangely though I don't think I'd worry the same if I went for #3 maybe its just a first time mum thing ;) But do NOT worry you are not alone and your feelings as silly as they may seem are completely valid.

*hugs*
Cailin

I sure do know hon... it just takes the experience of it all to trust that it's true... and to see them love each other, play together and want to be with each other... and to paint the spare bedroom together, giggling hysterically when they are busted *D'oh*

Kelly and Cailin you have me all teary eyed, just soooooo......beautiful. Kelly I haven't read Loving two, although from reading your little exert (sp?) I think I'll read it right now. Cailin I didn't really have the same thoughts with the third because my rational brain told me that I'd been up that road before and knew exactly where it goes.
But there was still a little of that irrational thought popping into my head every now and again, of course by this stage it's more the merrier, lol.
Lol, Kelly had to have a little giggle at the paint fiasco, lol, .....norty norties:P

ETA: Just read Loving Two.....it is soooo true and sooo beautiful, Gil if you haven't read it yet I recommend it.
Dee

I know I'm not in denial... :p
When I fell pregnant with maddy it was certainly not planned, I'd never ever held a baby, had actually wanted to travel the world & never be tied down with kids!
The very second I found out I was pregnant (aroubd 15ish wks) I became a protector, the very second she was birthed onto my chest I was so besotted, in love & I became responsible!
I dont anxieties about having more childfren (other than getting this 1 out!) or raising them, I simply spend time with them & nurture them, love them with every ounce of my heart & soul...
I never believed having a child would change me so immensely...


Gill,
I dont thi k ut's wrong or weird or strange or anything else to feel how you feel, all I am saying is I have never felt that, from never wanting kids in my early 20's to having Maddy in my arms I changed & since havcing maddy I have always looked forward to being blessed with more, so I cant say i have experienced the feeling of when, or if it is right... For me from having 1 I always longed & yearned to have more!!!

:

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it just takes the experience of it all to trust that it's true.

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Kelly, that's exactly how I feel. Never, ever doubted that I wanted more than one, I've always wanted three and I wanted them close together (hasn't really worked out that way due to circumstances out of our control), it's just the waiting for the unknown and HOW it will happen, not necessarily IF it will happen that I wonder about.

I have no doubt that I have enough love for all my babies - I already love them both, and my angel too.

i know i have enuf love, i think im just scared of the guilt(which will pass)... i have to learn to stay in the moment more... and know that i am providing a gift for Eden and not taking something from her... I think the other factors to this are weighing on my instinct.... i wish hubby was younger LOL!!!

Gill, you would be providing Eden with a gift. And I know that two close together worked for me. But there are obviously reasons why you are considering waiting. I can totally understand this. Any new arrival places stress on a family initialy (those first 6 weeks or so can be really tough). There are definitely factors to consider like ability to cope on bad days (you can have two sick at once etc), DH's views, finances, sleeping arrangements, car seats, going out and about etc etc. I do not know your circumstances but you seem very sensible to me and you seem to be taking everything into consideration. I think this is very wise. And while some people will say just follow your heart, there is nothing wrong with thinking things through either. But don't totally ignore your heart as you don't want regrets down the track. I know for us, our age was part of our reasoning for having ours close together, and your DH's age is an issue for you (you mentioned this previously). So think it over, talk to DH, and go with what is right for you. Whatever happens will be right for you, I'm sure.

thanku so much for that reply Melanie... i am thinking this thru, somewhat ahead as i said, dont even have AF back yet... i think thats my problem- being torn... thats why i started this thread, as its keeping me awake most nights... and i just keep going round in circles... but talking about it has given me some other angles to reassess... i know to some it may seem i am thinking too much, but its what i need to do to feel at peace... i mean i cant wait to have another bub, i cant wait to be pregnant, and am SOOOO excited about labour and birth and i cant wait to give Eden a sibling... its just all the other bits.... o Gawd here goes the circle again.... As of today we are waiting a while longer.. Eden is so sweet and also a terror who has me on my toes... so ill be in this moment for now... and continue loving every second of it. Thanks again to everyone for ur replies.
xoox

Ohhhh Tracey ...:cryinglaugh:.....I've read your posts..... you are soooo in denial, hehehe :P. Not that this is about you:), lol, rather it is about Gill and her feelings and relieving her anxiety. But...
I s'pose having such a large gap between 1 and 2 and being well and truely out of the babymoon phase you probably missed those feelings that most people feel. Although I've noticed it is really common amongst people with very small first children. I've had countless conversations with mothers with freshly batched babies about this very thing.

Gill... Guilt comes as a package to motherhood, We question ourselves and our action/words/thoughts all the time. You just have to make the decision and say this is what I'm doing, and accept the consequences. We aren't Super parents and we occassionally get it wrong and as Eden and her sibling grow you'll stumble over choices and decisions but just trust in yourself. Anxiety, guilt are natural emotions that we all feel from time to time in varying degrees, it's nothing to be ashamed of or not to admit to.
You are a fantastic mummy. :hugs: