Sibling present at birth

OK.. seeing as no-one was in the chat room just now, I decided to occupy myself reading some articles on the main site! hehe.

Just read the one about siblings being present at birth, and deep down I would love to have DS there. I sooooo know that I won't receive much support for this from friends & family. My SIL actually did have her DS there for her second.. and everyone is saying "you're not going to do what she did are you??". (I don't particularly get on with my SIL.. but we seem to be making very similar choices with our bubs! LOL.. she was a great longterm breastfeeder, no drugs in labour etc etc etc)

Anyway.. back to my question. The article gave the perspective of a 4 year old. Can someone help me get into the mind of a nearly 2 year old? heh. Would he understand our honest explanations of why mummy is hurting, and how much work it is to get a baby out? Also, the article was about a homebirth.. does anyone have suggestions of this working in hospital? Should we consider another support person to be there for him? Or is it possible to just have me, DH & DS? I don't really want anyone else there.

I'm open to any discussion and suggestions on this one!

I think that with homebirth and hospital birth there should be a designated carer for the children. Marisa was 2.5 when she was Elijah born. They are so matter of fact at that age, well, I guess Marisa was anyway, children are all different - but she recalls it with much joy, even though I had not really prepared her for it. I talked about the baby coming etc but I had not read her any books, like Hello Baby or Birth Day (which are fantastic btw). She knows I made noise, she knows what fun she had with my sister. She hasn't come out of it badly and I think you just need the carer to make sure they know when is an appropriate time for the child to leave (e.g. if they are getting upset or birth is traumatic for mum). I'm really pleased Ris was there, she is a little birth expert lol!

My mum will be waiting outside, she knows she's not allowed in LOL, so DH could bring Tallon in and out. I'll have to judge how he is.. he worries about me when I'm lying down having an ultrasound at the moment! hehe. Dunno how I'd keep up the 'happy face' during transition to reassure him! LOL.

I just don't like the idea of dropping him off at Nana's while I go to the hospital.. even if he's waiting outside and can come straight in once bub is born would be good. hmm... will have to think about this one! I just asked DH what he thought, and he can see no probs with Tallon being in there with us.

Trainee doula? :) Then DH is free to be all yours...

Liz, this is my experience. Jack was 19 months, so a little younger than 2, but with an excellent comprehension and communication level. Due to Thomas arriving 3.5 weeks early and a 3 hour labour, Jack had to accompany us to hossy and was in the delivery suite until a friend could come and get him. He left only about half an hour before the birth, maybe even less as it all happened so quickly. So while he didn't see the birth, he certainly saw me in pain and on the floor breathing through contractions. This had NO negative impact on him whatsoever. He was not distressed, he seemed to understand that mummy was having the baby, and he took it all in his stride. An hour or so later DH had picked him up and brought him back to the hossy. I was still in the delivery suite and Jack was fascinated with his baby brother and not funny with me at all. Actually, I think it helped that he had seen me in the room before I gave birth, it helped him to understand what was happening/had happened. Based on Jack's reaction, I would recommend having a sibling of that age present if that is what you want to do.

Hi Liz,

I think it might make a difference if it was in a hospital setting (unless it was the kind of hospital that lets the family take over and just do their thing, saying, "We're outside if you need us! As you were ....")

In New Zealand, they have family birthing rooms to accommodate some cultures, including Maori culture, when you have several family members in the birthing room, even up to 20! (Check out the Birth Crawl video - there's a good dozen members of an Indian family present). A hospital with this kind of sensitivity would be a safe bet. I have seen some hospital environments that I doubt would be conducive to a young child's presence (but they are the kind of places that I doubt would be conducive to the birthing mother's sense of confidence, too!)

My 4 yo dd and 2 yo dd were present at their little sister's homebirth. I thought they were the loveliest birth attendants. At different times they each patted me, saying "S'oright mummy!". My little 2 yo was peeking round my leg to check on the progress of her sister crowning then coming back to pat me some more. They'll be great future doulas I reckon. They were so nurturing. But I did assign one adult friend each to be their special birth companion, to get them drinks or push them on the swing or whatever they needed (yep, outside pushing kids on swing in between contractions). In the end, they were so happily absorbed in the little family drama that they did not really need anything special from their carers but I thought it was good we had them there (like watchful angels) anyway.

I love "Hello Baby" and (little brag here) am proud to know both the mother who's birth features in the story (who also wrote the book) - she is my writing teacher; and the lovely doula who attended that birth! And we are now living in the house where the childhood friend of the author's mother used to live - she had her first kiss on our porch! She (being a writer like her daughter) wrote us three pages of stories about the lives and loves and losses that have unfolded in our house over the last 70 years! Small world.

Er .... got a little OT there .... :redface:

Liz, I hope your upcoming birth is a wonderful family celebration for all.

Liz, I've thought about this a lot myself. And I didn't get great reactions from my family or friends either when I've mentioned it to them!

I will be having a hospital birth (you are with JP too aren't you??) but I can't imagine just dropping DD at MIL's and then bringing her back to see me with the new baby?

She is very used to hospitals and to seeing me in hospital and in pain (last year was a bad year for me health wise and I had quite a few stays in hospital, I was breastfeeding so she was there regularly so I could feed her) so I am not overly concerned about that, although like Talon she gets upset when I lie down to have an u/sound done.

I think at this stage I will play it by ear. If I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night, I think I'd just let her sleep, but if it happens during the day, I think I will get MIL to bring her down when things get close and if nothing else, have her brought in immediately after the baby is born.

i will be having makon with us. although we are having a home birth so still not quite what your after! we also have a support person for him so ben doesnt have to consentrate on him!
but i will try and remember to post after bubs is born to let you know his reactions! (should be with in the next week or two!

I have decided not to have Eliza with us. She is just at the age where she is into absolutely everything and if the labour was longer than 5 minutes she would be bored. I also don't want another adult person besides myself and DH (and MW) there so I thought it would be best for her to go to Mum's. I am going to labour for as long as I can at home and be back after the minimum time so hopefully she will get to see her baby sibling soon after.

Good Luck.

Willow - yeah I'm with JP. I think we'll end up playing it by ear too. My initial thoughts are that mum can look after him outside the labour suite, and DH can bring him in & out.. and then we'll just see what happens when it comes to the crunch and i'm actually pushing the baby out. heh.

My 23 month old son was present at his lil bros birth, and he was quite blase about the whole thing, we had dh and a trainee doula present, and he happily played throughout the whole thing, just giving me funny looks sometimes, he was great! And I was so worried about it!

Admittedly this was a homebirth, so he was in his own environment, but having someone on tap especially for his needs will be great. I wish you all the best, and I think including older siblings in the birth process is a very valuable, insightful and compassionate thing to do.

Liz, I'm not sure about this, but I think I've read somewhere that hospitals insist that you have a carer other than your support person to look after any children in the delivery suite........you'd need to check with your hospital obviously, but it's something to think about.

Yeah I think they do need a dedicated support person or carer for them... no-one can possibly support a woman and do childcare at the same time...

Well DH managed to sit & eat his sandwiches whilst being my support! LMAO.

Am still thinking about this one :) ....

Wow I think you are all really brave doing this. Flynn will be just under 18 months when bro/sis is born and I hadn't even considered it. I had initially thought he would be scared/upset but come to think of it he is and I expect will be (as most other 18mo's) so self-absorbed that they tend not to empathise with mummy being "in pain" IYKWIM?

Liz this is a topic very close to my heart...
When we had DS who is now 6 our DD was 5. I had not considered her not being at the birth but she was old enough to choose. Ihad been at a number of births where siblings were present and had never seen it as an issue. DS was born at 1.10am at a Birth Centre. She had a designated carer and spent the time at the BC whilst I laboured rubbing my back, brushing my hair and watching with the awe that only a child can... She cut her brothers cord when he was born. It was a beautiful experience.

When DD4 was born her brother was 2 and he and his older sister were at the birth in the same birthing centre. Again there was a designated carer - he was a bit over come after the birth with the excitement and joy. His pudgy little 2yo hands on his new born sister still reduce me to tears. It again was beautiful.

When DD3 was born again all siblings were present with a designated carer. This was at a private hospital. I had my own midwife. My DD who was 15 months and her brother hopped in and out of the birth pool during my labour.. My dd breastfed intermittently. The family memory of that birth is amongst the most precious of my life. Our daughter and sister still attatched to our cord being welcomed by 3 sets of eager, soft hands all with tears of amazement. It is beautiful and I weep as I type this!!!!

It is my firm belief that when children are well prepared, supporters are well prepared and the environment is conducive that siblings at birth is a very rich family experience.

Birth is something like death that we have put in the cupboard. As a society (and I believe this is slowly changing) we hide birth. We don't talk of the experience or share. The village has gone. The village where the neighbour would help with our births and children were present as par for course.

I understand it's not for everyone. But I always urge folk to explore the possiblility. When you deal with children honestly and you explain things to them and they have support and options if they are scared - birth almost always is positive for them.

I explained that I would "make some noise that helps the baby come out". We watched videos and they heard labouring women on visits to the hospy / birth centre. So, they knew. Each day toward the end I would make labouring noises and they would join in. It familiarised it... We watched some birth videos and we have the books previously mentioned which are beautiuful - my favourite is Hello Baby. Very very special.
I showed the kids photos of my previous births so they knew what I would look like, what my hoo haa would look like...

Try not to be put off by others opinions. My MIL said I would damage my childrens mental health and it would be a trauma. Far from it. My children really had no indicator of sibling rivalry after the births of siblings and I often wonder if it was because they were so involved in the process. They came to midwife meetings, helped to hear the baby on doppler, palpated my belly with the midwife. In all they were involved completely and loved it. If one of my kids chose not to be there that would be fine. I always give choice (not so much my DD4 at her sisters birth as she was so little). She waqs only 15-16 months but she looks at the photos and loves that she was there, that she was involved even though I don't know that she has conscious memory of it.

People are so quick to offer you the what if this scenario happens stories. Well, if things don't go quite to plan you have a support person to remove your child from the room. Birth, it's noises, smells and sights I believe are important for children to see. I have said this before but after DS was born his DD5 came home from preschool mortified that her friends mum had had a baby and he wasn't there! She didn't understand that it wasn't seen as "the norm".

In the end you do what YOU feel is best - I can only offer in my personal experiences it will be one of the most treasured memories of my life...

When this baby in my belly is born our whole family will again be gathered around the birthing pool with the candles going and this baby will be welcomed by four sets of sibling hands and teary sibling eyes... :hug:

OMG Flowerchild - you make me really want to do this! Dunno that DS will be at an age to 'appreciate' the experience, but I think it would be lovely to have him there rather than him just coming to visit me holding a new baby.

I've just looked at doula's in my area - there's quite a few listed for Blue Mountains on BB! Have just looked at a couple of threads re costs and trainees etc. Will have to have a serious chat with DH. I can't think of any friends or relatives that I'd want in the labour suite with me. I liked it last time that DH & I were pretty much on our own, with the midwife popping in and out. I didnt' mind having the midwife there, so I'd say I'd be comfy with a doula, and DH can keep an eye on DS. I don't want DH to feel pushed out of the picture tho hehe.. so I'll see what he thinks about it all. He might prefer it! He can be babysitter & photographer LOL, takes the pressure off him :)

Well this is going back a few year now but when my 2nd child was born we had our 3yr old son with us not by choise but because his sister decided to come 2 weeks early so had no family up here to help out but lucky for us we had a midwife in training who was ment to be doing her 1st delievery but instead she got the job of baby sitting. As i only had a 4 hr labor it wasn't so bad they put bob the builder on for him and he was happy to watch that near the end they took him for a walk to see other new babies so by the time he came back his sister had just come out. he doesnt remember anything about it so I dont think it has heart him in anyway he got a little destressed when I was crying and carring on but other than that he was fine but I would take some one with you so that if the labor goes on for to long then there will be someone there to take over that way DH can take care of you and not have to worrie about anything else, plus if something happens and you have to have a C section you wont want to have to worrie about anything else so find a close friend or rally to help out.

Yeah, my mum will be outside the labour suite, so if DS gets upset or anything, he can go out with Nana. I just don't want her in the labour suite with me. Sounds terrible I know LOL, but I'd rather keep it just DH & I and possibly a doula. If I get a doula or trainee, then I'd have continuous support, & DH & mum can take turns caring for DS inside or out of the labour suite.

Any experiences with dragging a nearly 2 yr old out of bed tho if it happens in the middle of the night? Last thing I'd want is a cranky toddler on our hands! hehe.

Just curious - if it becomes a c/s, does the doula follow you in? or just your DH? Just wondering :)

I personally would have someone present with him rather than outside, purely because as a mother if no one is designated for him, you will be concerned for him. And kids will be kids he's not going to know that mummy can't do x,y,z because you are in labour. I had Paris present and MIL present and when I started to get too vocal they went for a walk as I didn't want her to be too distressed, she came back seconds after he was born. I would have had her there when he crowned but I was too caught up in the moment and I don't know if she would have liked it or not (she's not a big fan of blood LOL). Your DH is going to need to be there for you, I had Marc there for me and Kelly as my doula, and I needed both of them, I can't imagine what would have happened if Paris had been there without someone special for her.

Goodluck. Ours was beautiful, the room was filled with love, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

*hugs*
Cailin

Liz, usually you can only have one support person in theatre. So, no to the Doula - though many hospitals will allow her to come into recovery. Ask your hospy what their policy is.
Good luck with your decision... :hug:

Cailin - Dh would just take him out to my mum & come back in. DS is really good with mum coz he sees her nearly every day, so he'd be fine to just take out to nana, and then DH come back to me. So if he's being a pain, or is upset he can just be taken out to stay with nana for a bit.

Liz all we did with Ris was transfer her into the car and let her sleep, putting her in the pram at the hospital. She was awake as the birth was in the morning, but if she was asleep in the pram I probably wouldn't have woken her at 2.5 years old. Maybe now, but not at that age. I would still bring her so she is there but not wake her deliberately.

Deb, as mentioned above I am also considering having DD there when Bubble is born. I actually discussed it with a girlfriend last week and she really surprised me by being totally supportive and offered to come with us to the hospital to be DDs carer! DD adores her so it would be perfect really. DD was going to go to MIL but for many reasons, I don't want MIL present for the birth so this was the trickiest part. Only problem is my girlfriend might be away on holidays at the time of the birth, particularly if I go over my EDD again, which I'm expecting to. So we really will have to play it by ear but having her support makes things a lot easier!

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Any experiences with dragging a nearly 2 yr old out of bed tho if it happens in the middle of the night? Last thing I'd want is a cranky toddler on our hands! hehe.

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- this is also one of my biggest concerns.

Deb, were any of your babies born in the middle of the night?

Kelly, there is NO way that our DD would sleep in her pram so I'm not sure what we would do.

Liz - sorry to hijack your thread!! Have you discussed this with JP? I might bring it up with him on Monday.

No I haven't yet Willow. I don't see him again until 20th Aug. Will be interested to know what he says tho! I don't see him having a problem with it, unless of course there are hospital policies in place. But geez - surely they can't stop you bringing your kid in.. what if you don't have family around right at the time you go into labour? hehe.

He was surprisingly all for my breastfeeding through this pg, so I have high expectations of him agreeing to something like this! hehehe.

Yeah, I hope so too!! Let's hope he doesn't disappoint us. He always says to me "you're not the passenger here. you make the decisions, I just give you the pros and cons" hehe.

I think you're right though, I can't see them being able to stop you from having your children with you, particularly if there are people there to care for them? I remember when I had DD they told us we could have as many people in there as we wanted, to a reasonable extent, and they didn't mention anything about no children. This is the public hospital though, you're delivering at the private hospital aren't you?

Willow my DS was born at 1.10am so, smack bang in the middle of the night! However, our daughter was over 5 years old then so double the age of yours and Liz's little ones.
She always hits the ground running when awake and that's what she did. Our next child was born at 6.24pm and the next at 10.26pm. I have gorgeous photos of my children asleep with me on the bed about an hour after our last daughters birth. They were exhausted. The hospital did up mattresses on the floor and a cot for our 15month old and DH transferred them into bed.

So, I have never had the experience of a middle of the night transfer as such! However, if your children have a trusted carer - take a portacot or an inflatable mattress that their carer can make up for them to nap on. This may be helpful if they won't sleep in the pram. I also did up "show bags" for my kids for each birth. Just one of those colourful gift bags you can buy from dollars and cents stores. I put in it a new book, snacks they don't usually get! Juice, cheap dollars and cents toys and novelties. They were given to them when they started to gt a bit figety. It works a treat...

Something else I always do is that my kids choose a teddy for their new sibling. When the birth is over, the next day the bear is presented. The next day the kids all get a gift from their new sibling and from us (parents) to thank them for helping. It may be something you may like to think about.

The other thing that is helpful is - if you are planning on having music for your birth choose what you will have and play it in the house often. Explain to the kids that this is the music that their new brother/sister will be born to. If you are having candles (often not allowed in hospy) or other things at the birth let the kids help you choose. Oils to burn etc. Let them feel like they are choosing too. This really helps make it a family birth... My kids all help DH dress the new baby etc etc.

Well you gorgeous women have served to get ME excited! Whatever you decide and however you decide to bring these new babies into this world I hope it's all you both want. :hugs:

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She always hits the ground running when awake

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I must admit, my DD does too! I love the showbag idea, she'd love that. I guess I will take your advice re preparing her and getting her ready and I will make my decision when the time comes depending on circumstances.

My other concern is I had a really long labour with DD so not expecting this one to be much different. We might have to send her home for a nap if it all becomes too much for her and things are taking a while.

I talked to my mum and DH about it today, they are my support people. Mum was a bit hesitant and said "ooooh, I don't know - what if she gets scared?" but after discussing it and telling her my reasons why I wanted DD there she understood and will always support me 100%. DH is also supporting me 100% and said it was up to me to decide the way I wanted things to be.

We have already brought DD a gift from the baby and will give it to her at the hospital (although once again my MIL has kinda ruined this by buying her an almost identical gift last week :rolleyes: She wasn't to know but sooooo disappointed).

I think that's a great idea Willow. Prepare your daughter - show her lots of pictures of birth, dvd's, get hold of Hello Baby if you can (abc shop I think???) and see how it all pans out. I am so glad you have such loving support for your choices. You are going to have a beautiful birth Willow! :hug:

Willow - I asked JP about having DS in the labour suite.. he said it's fine, but he insists on an assigned carer just for him. He's been burnt before, where the kids carrying on and screaming, but the "carer" insisted on staying for the birth for their own benefit.. not taking into consideration how it was affecting the mother, they weren't there supporting the mum. So I need to think about who I would have as a dedicated carer just for DS, and who wouldnt' mind missing out on the actual birth if it turns out that way.

As for preparing DS - I got my hands on a couple of books, but I think they're a bit too old for him hehe. Oh well.. can't hurt to read them to him anyway :)

Hey we had our daughter (who is just about to turn 3) in the delivery room, we planned on having my mum come watch her but she was still 2 hours away! Basically our daughter was on the bed next to me with my arm round her the whole time (including pushing lol she handled it really well, didn't get upset seeing me in pai n or anything. Basically she got upset the last 5 secs of pushing when I was screaming becuz I was tearing but as soon as our son was born her face was in amazement, she loved it! She stills tells everyone that "mummy pushed and pooed and a bubby popped out" while making groaning sounds as shes is doing it LOL yeah I just prepared our daughter by pretending I was giving birth to her teddy lol she seemed to understand :) All the best.