Dylan......

Dylan got himself in to some real trouble here with me, so his wonderful father conned him in to moving to WA with him. He went with promises of all these gifts, a phone, his own pc, ipod etc. So Dylan moved to WA. The first week when I spoke to him, he was really happy, then he started to be reserved. No phone yet, infact no nothing, his father would go to the pub on pay day & spent all his wage, Finally the last straw for Dylan was starting a new school, I spoke to him the day before & he was a bit excited. That night he called & he was devastated, begging to come home all the kids at the school flat out ignored him, then his wonderful father abused the living beep out of him. So his father has had enough of him, he cant deal with him, or get Dylan to do anything, had enough, pack him up & send him off ...... which I am ever so happy for . But poor Dylan, he ran from his trouble here, went to WA for a better life & got the stone cold truth. He is gonna be so emotional when he gets home & apart from fixing up all his norty doings here I also have to sort out his fathers mess. I'm not sure I know how to :( Dylan has had such an eye opener by going I hope he is more respectful when he comes back. I just cant believe the poor kid has had to deal with over there, he has always been a mumma's boy & he has had to deal with it all with out me there grrrrr. ( I know it probably would have taught him a good lesson, but it's so harsh)
anyway more of a whinge then anything else, if you managed to read it thank you & how do I handle the whole situation?? Does he still get punished for his doings before he went, we will have to lay down a new set of ground rules too, or do I let it all slide because of what he went through? URGH it's so hard.

that is difficult, but I think he was punished enough by hid "father".
But I think new ground rules are the way to go.
Good Luck!

Yeah I reckon his father has done enough damage too!! He has let him down & that's enough.

Awww Jo its a hard one. Without knowing the exact details of the strife that he was in before he left its hard to say....but I would be tempted to set some ground rules but then start off with a clean slate. He has been through alot, and hopefully this will be a real eye opener for him. Now that there are no other options (bio dad) his behaviour might just have to change. Best of luck to you

Jo

I hope so Jo, I think new rules & wipe the slate, but he was getting drunk & smoking ( not cigarettes either) & he went to a man whose first priorities are drugs & alcohol it's so hard, & I know how much crap he would have put up with over there, so I imagine he will appreciate "here" more.

I had a friend go through a similar experience with her estranged father. I know it took a very long time for her to be able to come to grips with what happened.

I think you should be firm but gentle at the same time. It sounds like he has had such a hard time with his dad and he could be very emotional.

:hug:

While I dont know the full story, I would be punishing him for two reasons:

1. It will be a lesson to him that he cant just run away from his problems
2. He will realise that his actions incur consequences and they need to be dealt with

In saying that, maybe his time with his father may have been punishment enough. But I definitely think new ground rules are the way to go.

Good luck!

Storm I would highly recommend a counselling session, or at least get a hold of Steve Biddolph's "Raising Boys" book. Your son may suffer in ways that you might not see. He really needs some positive male role models at this time of his life. What you have described just sounds so tradgic! :( Please let us know how things go. When does he get back?

I went to see Steve at Qhill High a few years back, excellent!!He will be back at the end of the week, I haven't been given a day yet, so I need to work out my plan by then, it's so hard, I am just so happy to have him back, that I could just let it all go, but there is no way will I allow things to be the way they were before he left, he was a nightmare. A feral teenager with no respect for me, rules, his siblings, swearing, waging school, drinking smoking, sneaking out at night, the list goes on.

Sounds like a cry for male guidance... does he have any male adult in his life that he respects and worthy of respect?

Yeah he has my DH & he is really good with them all, but Dylan treats him like crap.

Sounds like a real hard time hun. I don't think I'd be punishing either, but if it were my son I'd be setting some severe boundaries that he has to stick to till he can prove he's trustworthy again. But I havne't had teenagers yet, and I'd imagine that's easier said than done.

How does your DH handle his behaviour? How long has your DH been in Dylan's life?

Storm,
Sounds as though you and Dylan have had a really rough time of it lately.
Hugs to you.
It's hard when you love someone so much to see them hurt and have to learn a life lesson.
Thinking of you as you go through this time

He tries to be firm, but Dylan just yells at him, (his father has alot to do with this he told the kids years ago, that they don't have to listen to him) but DH has been around since Dylan was 4 years old.
Plus DH sets stupid punishments & never sticks to it,which is something he has been told to fix, cos it proves nothing that way. The kids get grounded "til christmas" then let off in a week.It doesn't give him a good hold over them, cos he changes it all the time, I have tried to tell him, maybe this time he will.

I would go with the previous advice of new harder ground rules but clean slate, although i haven't experienced older kids yet so don't really know. Just wanted to say i'm so glad you're getting your boy back as i know how upset you were when you found out he was going. Hopefully the experience has shown him how good he's got it at home and not to stuff it up again.
Good luck

Julie x

We are experiencing the first 'taste' of the trials of teens... and I have to say it's as hard as they say... and our DD is no where near as rebellious :( It really gets kinda frightening when you know that they have the power to just turn on their heels and walk out the door if they don't like what you are telling them to do. My DD hasn't actually done this yet... but it's only a matter of time...

Somehow you have to prove to them that you do actually have thier best interests at heart. You have to gain their trust. you have to tell them you love them even when you are angry. This is so hard. When they were children they would do bad things but you would get over it yourself relatively quickly... nowdays, I find that I am angry longer and it takes more for me to swallow my pride and tell her that I love her despite the fact that she is being the rudest little b*tch at the time. You have to draw the strength from somewhere each night to give them a kiss on the cheek as they go to sleep... however I think that if you can manage this (not let them go to bed angry) it will seep into their subconsciousness during the night that you do love them and they will more likely wake up with a better attitude. Good luck!

Hey storm.. your poor Dylan. It would be hard for both of you im sure. Not knowing what he did before he left or what his personality is like, but i guess i would try and sit down with him and just have a good chat. Ask him how his father made him feel, then explain to him how he made you feel when he did what he did before he left. I guess let him know that you are giving him a second chance, but also let him know the ground rules and try and explain why it is you need to set these rules. And most importantly that you love him. That he is still your little boy and his brothers and sisters need a big brother around and how important he is to them.

I hope things work out for you Storm and it has given him a shake up to realise that what he did before was just silly and not called for.

All the best hun, im glad you little boy is coming home.

Oh Thanks so much everybody!!
I think I will stick to the new rules, clean slate theory.
We always kiss goodnight, even when he has been in the **** & I always tell him I love you, or just luv ya.
I can't wait for him to come home, but I am not looking forward to it either IYKWIM.

Oh Jo... it's hard with teenagers sometimes huh! I think that you're doing the right thing going with the clean slate. Like you said, hopefully it has opened his eyes up a bit. They do tend to run around thinking they know best and know all, but they don't and we know that. Joshua spent a lot of last year getting suspended from school! This year only twice but he thinks that is good! Hmmmm none is good...lol. I do hope that things will be better when he's home and yep I know what you mean. It's hard on them too though I think, growing up but still being mummy's boy and also dealing with all the hormones running around and then on top of that there's dad in his ear for Dylan. Give him a big hug and maybe now he's a bit older are you able to go to a coffee shop for an hour and just have a drink with him and a chat? Joshua loves that, I think it makes him feel more grown up ;) He's just turned 14 and I let him have a latte.

Oh Thanks Cass. I am a bit worried how things are gonna be when he gets home,I feel so sorry for him, but then again what did he expect from his father, all the promises of how much he has changed ha, when will he learn he is a liar?
Really looking forward to seeing my boy again, but I still haven't been told when, I bumped into 2 of his mates on Sat & they said that Dylan told them to come up this sat, so Hmmmm wish he would ring me.

Well I know why he hasn't called me, it looks like he isn't coming back now. Just got off the phone from his father & he wants to try & make it work with him :(

Oh dear, obviously dad is talking **** again.
I used to see this happening all the time at work, sometimes they to and fro a bit (depending on what each parent is offering!) and it can be disruptive for all, and sad for mum too.

The poor kid may get his heart broken by his dad again, but you can't stop that (ouch). If you want him to learn about his dad, he will have to do that on his own, and come to his own conclusions.
I would let him know that your door is open if he needs to come home, but that there will be rules you all need to discuss first, and he can have some input if he can be mature about it.

It may just be a matter of time before he does come home, so at least you have time up your sleeve to determine the 'conditions'. My DD and I had family counselling to help resolve some issues and it was magic for us both. You might find it helpful too if there is that sort of thing around your area.

Poor you, it's not nice being on the sidelines like this......

Awww Jo that's a real bummer!

You know, his dad sounds an awful lot like my dad! When I left home (18) my bro (16) decided he wanted to go and live with dad. Dad made him all these grand promises about how they would do this and that and dad would get him all this stuff... well dad just chucked him in boarding school! Mind you one of the most elite in Aust.. Scotts College. However, my brother started getting into fist fights etc and thought it was cool. He is now 33 and still hasn't grown up, he's been into drugs and alcohol and thinks that it's fine if it's sometimes... JOKE! Not trying to scare you but just keep an extra close eye on him if you can... I think that boys tend to go off the rails a bit more when their dads do crap like this to them. :hug: for you and I sincerely hope that it works out for Dylan and that you feel better.

So sorry Jo.

Well I just booked & paid for Dylan's plane ticket.
He will be home on Monday, I am so so happy now.
Thank you to everybody for offering me your help, support & sympathy through all of this.

Wonderful to hear Jo!!!

Did you order a guard to escort him to the airport and get on the plane/?? Just to make sure;)

Jo, that's wonderful news!

Looking forward to updates Jo :) I hope the flight and transition goes smoothly.

Thank you so much ladies!!!!
Chon what do you mean by a guard? Is it for the flight?I've got no idea. His father is taking him to the airport, "with pleasure" he reckons cos he has had enough. How Lame is that 1 month & he cant take anymore

Jo you can ring the airline and have him put on as an "unaccompanied minor" which means that the hostess will take special care of him. They will take him from his Dad at checkin and give him a special seat on the plane and then wait with him at your end until they hand him over to you. There used not to be any extra charge for it but there may be now - but possibly worth ringing them to check.

Oh I cant do that, cos he is classed as an adult. I checked that out before he went away.
It's up to the age of 12.

Sorry Jo, didn't make much sense with everything you have going on:doh:

I meant have someone with him so there is no more 'changing his mind', especially now you have paid for the ticket! Make sure he DOES get on that plane.;)

Oh Dah me!! He is more than happy to come home, so I not worried about that.( crossing fingers now though)
Even after I gave him a quick run down of the changes that needed to be made.

2 DAYS TO GO WOO HOO!!!!!
Just wish the plane didn't come in at 10pm, argh that's all day Monday to have butterflies!!!

Storm, are you nervous? Excited?
Have you got anything planned?

I don't know Tiff, I'm a bit of both!! And a tad worried too.
I haven't anything planned, except his favorite dinner, which will have to wait til Tues night, as the plane gets in at bedtime on Monday LOL.
I've made an app. with the school principal for Tuesday, so it's gonna be straight back into the swing of things for him, he has had enough time off school. I have brought him heaps of stuff though, 1 part of me says he doesn't deserve them, but the other part says spoil the little ****!!

Hiya Jo, just letting you know I'm still a lurker in your thread ;) Looking forward to the tuesday installment too! I can't imagine the mixed emotions you must be feeling. I guess all you can do is stay calm and open minded... we're all behind you darl :hug:

Thanks Bath, it means alot to know people are here to help!!

He comes home today!!!
I cant wait to see him again.

Hey Jo,
Hope all went well today with the school. :)

Nic