When you had a baby- what you expected Vs Reality!

I was just thinking (as I was trying to get my screaming 12 week old DD to go down for an afternoon sleep) about whether or not things (as in being a SAHM with a baby) are what I expected or not. People seem to ask that question a lot, but I have never really thought about it properly.

When I really think about it, I think it is MOSTLY what I expected- good and bad.

BUT! Some images I had in my head about being a mother just didn't turn out quite like I had imagined! So just wondering if you had any pre conceived ideas/ expectations that were way off! Good and Bad.

EXAMPLE- When I was pregnant I somehow had this picture in my head that every afternoon my beautiful, calm and content baby, and I would snuggle down in my bed, and drift off into 'la la land' and share a beautiful afternoon sleep together. Following this, we would both awake refreshed and happy.

HARSH REALITY- Every afternoon (when I am unshowered, in pjs still and longing for just a second of sleep) my over tired, screaming, refluxy baby scratches and slaps me as we try and have a sleep together, as she cannot tolerate laying flat in my bed because of her reflux.

Don't get me wrong, it is definitely not ALL negative! I have been so pleasantly surprised when I see her do things like look around a room in search for me, then see her little face light up with a huge smile when she finally focusses on me- just amazing..or seeing her content little face in a dim lit room as I breastfeed at night, with the sound of pouring rain in the background..(how soppy i know lol)

Anyway, I would love to hear what you THOUGHT being a mum/having a baby would involve, as compared to the REALITY of it all :)

Thanks for listening

[QUOTE=Lee:-);876713
EXAMPLE- When I was pregnant I somehow had this picture in my head that every afternoon my beautiful, calm and content baby, and I would snuggle down in my bed, and drift off into 'la la land' and share a beautiful afternoon sleep together. Following this, we would both awake refreshed and happy.

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Yep, that's what I thought too. Bugger.

I had thoughts that 12 weeks would be this magical marker when bubs would start sleeping thru and settling better. Reality was at that stage her day sleeps grew so much worse (has settled now) and at nearly 11 months she is still not sleeping thru!

Yep, totally with Shell, my Mum kept saying to me at 6 weeks, all babies sleep through - hello - not my baby and she, like Shell's, still hasn't slept through a night once!!

Also, didn't realise how much babies cry and how much the sound of it would drive me insane, or how exhausting mentally and physically it is being a mum OR how your time isn't your own now....

LOL But having said all that I wouldn't change it for the world!!!!
Laurin :)

I never thought about that, but what I do miss is sleeping in on Sundays!!! I knew it would be an all day job, never thought that it would REALLY be 24/7!!

I never thought i could love someone so much.....feel so protected and giving towards them. I really would do anything for my girls.....i never thought i would feel that way about my babies....

I honestly don't know why I thought this, because being my second baby I have NO excuse and should have known better.

But I stupidly assumed that my second child would sleep 12 hours through the night at around 10 weeks old, just the same as my first one did. After all, I parented them the same way....so why wouldn't he??

Here I am 10 months later, still waiting....dumb dumb dumb!! :lol:

I found the experience of becoming a mum first time absolutely beautiful - my best role ever. What I didn't realise is that it would take all my energy and commitment, and that other things like part-time work would need to be cast aside. I didn't imagine that I would become a PND sufferer and so that was a harsh shock; although I adored being a mum, other things in my life I feel didn't adapt to this change in my life and the pressure of it all brought about a PND problem.

I think babyhood was pretty much what i expected ie demanding, rewarding, tiring, loving etc but it's the older age groups eg being a mother of a 5 - 12 yo that I thought would be different! I guess I assumed that as soon as i could communicate with them that all would be well... I was seriously mistaken!

When I was pregnant I thought I had a fairly good idea of what to expect with a new baby, and didn't seem too worried about how hard it could be.

The reality for me was that after Aidyn was born, I felt like I went into some sort of shock for 6 months. I had no idea how dramatically having a baby would change me and my life... I had no idea how tiring it was, and how isolated and desperate I would feel at times. Although when pregnant I had thought I had *known* these things, it came nowhere close to experiencing the reality.

When I was pg, I was unaware of just how much of an emotional and instinctual pull my baby would have on me. I saw nothing wrong with setting up the cot in another room, assuming that I would need my space...
Well I was wrong about that too. After a few weeks of being a mother I was so incredibly attached to my little boy, that I wanted to have him settle in bed with me, and I couldn't bear to hear him cry, and my mothering instincts were just so strong - something that I hadn't realised I would feel so acutely...

Actually Ambah, that was so well said, you've actually reminded me of some very significant "unexpected" feelings. :)

I tried not to have any expectations, but first DD I didn't expect to lose my social life and most of my friends. None of them had children (9 years later and only a couple of them have children).

It was something that i didn't even think about. Also agree with the isolation and loneliness (and of course the tiredness etc).

You really do wonder what you did with ybefore children now don't you??

The other thing that I didn't consider was how to deal with them when they get older, you don't expect to need a psychology degree to get them to clean their room or brush their teeth, it really can be draining constantly having to "talk" them into doing things. They can have such strong personalities and when you clash on a subject, you really do learn some new skills.

but me too I wouldn't change a thing, I just love them to bits.xoxox

I didn't expect to feel so tired. I remember listening to other first time mums say that it was so tiring in the first few week. I thought how could it be? You could just sleep when the baby does! Ha - my baby still really only sleeps for about an hour during the day.

He is my cheeky monkey though, and has so much character, and although he doesn't sleep, he rarely cries, just gets a little grizzly sometimes.

What a fascinating topic!!! Love it!

I didn't have a maternal bone in my body...so my family thought too. But the MOMENT Maya, my DD, arrived I was absolutely GOB SMACKED at how my instinct came in and I was breastfeeding, changing nappies, calming her etc........ all by myself. Every time someone came to visit I would harp on how amazed I was at myself....LOl......I must of sounded like a nutcase......:doh::p

The other belief I had was that my baby wouldn't take over our living space, like toys everywhere and stuff. HA!!!! were we wrong! She has her own play area taking up half the lounge, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I love watching her crawling around and playing with all her toys, examining them, talking to them...... by herself.

Chon, I would just like to say: She is a beaut!!!! Soooo cute!!

Thanks!! She has shown me what a wonderful gift it is to be a mother.

I'M LOVING IT!!! AND ITS ONLY JUST BEGUN!:)

ok....now you guys have me worried..no sleep, no friends, mess everywhere. what have i got myself in for??? LOL

No one ever told me they bash you!!!
Yasin headbutted me in the nose a few days ago - boy did it smart, but not as much as when Imran decided to stand up while I was talking with him in my lap and hit my chin causing me to bite down all around my tongue. I've lost count of the kicks I've copped during nappy changes and on one occasion Yasin took the term ankle biter a bit too literally and gave me a nip on my ankle.
I thought I'd have a nice tidy house like all the TV mums - sometimes I do but never for longer than nap time.

I knew it would be hard but I thought that I would be able to go out into the vegie patch and have bubs asleep in his basinette covered & safe while I pottered away...not possible with a reflux bub that cried non stop... I also thought we could travel easier...again wrong... And I too, had the dream that we would lay together and cuddle up for a sleep (that's never happened)... ;) But the good times definitely outweigh the bad things. :)

I thought that because I would be a SAHM that I would have a clean and tidy house,Exercise everyday and have yummy cooked dinners every night.

Boy was I wrong only now have I started to exercise MOST days my house is clean but not always tidy and I do cook yummy meals every night.

How true about bashing dachlostar! My DD gave me the kind of black eye you often see on footy players simply because we were sharing a pillow (my face was toward the back of her head) and all of a sudden she decided to arch her back to flip over and BAM! I saw stars! It hurt sooo much and what was worse i had to get up and get ready for work (as a receptionist) and it was sooo embarassing having to face everyone with a blackeye. I could also kinda tell people were thinking that I was a victim of domestic abuse! Also of course i didn't get angry with DD, it was a pure accident.

I'd say I get hurt by my children about every second day.... all accidents... getting wacked under the chin and biting your tongue is a very common one too, especially when trying to dress them :(

I knew it would be hard, sleepless nights, dirty diapers etc, and I was prepared for that. What I wasn't prepared for was the emotional impact of this. I didn't realise that I'd feel rejected by my baby, when she screamed and arched her back. I thought that I'd know exactly what to do, every time she cried. Whilst I can settle her immediately now, back then, we were only just getting to know each other. I had the romantic expectations that motherhood would be what it is like in the TV ads and magazines, all white linen and cuddles. I never expected though, to feel my heart melt, when she is crying in someones elses arms, and stops as soon as I pick her up. It is such an amazing feeling to know that I am her world. Somehow I also expected that I'd still have a clean house... well it isn't dirty as such, but it is messy. It's because we spend pretty much the whole day playing together. I feel like I just don't want to miss a moment. I thought I would never have wanted to breastfeed, and that was true for the first little while. Now, the bond between Annika and I is so deep, that I would love to have breastfeed her, it's now too late.I expected to want the newborn stage to last forever, but in hindsight, I'm so glad it's over, and I'm loving this stage, and looking forward to the next. I never thought I would be one of those mums, that goes to every baby activity etc, but we are out every day of the week.... and I love it. I just love my daughter so so much, more than I could ever have expected. She is my world.

About half way through my pregnancy, my Dp and I split for a short time... So my main concern was how i was going to raise a little one by my self? Would i wake up at night to her? What happens if i wasn't enough?

Reality : I did it by my self - an excelled! It's surprising how much energry you have when you have a little one to look after... And waking up during the night hasn't been a problem, the moment she stirrs i'm awake! I find it harder to deal with when Dp is around, it's like he's stealing my time with her!

i also didn't expect the straight away bond that i got, from the minute i was pregnant, she was my all, my little princess! and then when i pulled her out into the world the bond and love got even stronger... The instint it was like the world stopped and it was just me and her! It's jsut incredible, and i'm getting highly emotional writing this!

Hehehe - great topic!

Wow - where do I start?

I thought I'd use cloth nappies, bubba would follow an exact routine that I worked out, sleep all night etc etc
So with all of that it was a lot harder first time round than I expected but also a whole lot more rewarding. I too never imagined I could love my baby like I did. I thought I would want to work but have given that up so that I can be there completely for my babies! I love being there for them and teaching them and I love the cuddles. I love that Louis is at an age now where he's my little buddy and we laugh over all sorts of silly things! I love having Dylan now and really appreciating every moment as I know how quickly it will go!

I'm also extremely tired and have pretty much no time for anything other than the kids and the housework, washing and cooking! LOL! But as with all of you I wouldn't change it for the world! You do forget all the hard times so quickly - it really all does happen in the blink of an eye!

I also can't wait to do it again! hehehe.

Awww.. what fantastic responses...there's definitely some common themes amongst everyones posts isn't there!
:)

I have to say I've had a slightly different experience to what your all descibing, although we have only just entred our second week.

I came to terms with all the crying the hard times, the lack of sleep before deciding to have kids. I knew it would be hard etc, etc.

What I didn't expect was to feel the loss of no longer being pregnant. I miss my belly.

I thought I'd be able to breastfeed and do so until I returned to work, instead ended up formula feeding. Never thought I'd have bubs in bed with us! I thought I'd be able to settle bubs and she would sleep in a routine. I love having dd in bed with us or lying on my chest, it is absolute bliss!
Thought I'd do some form of controlled crying, in fact I hate hearing dd cry and pick her up to calm her immediately.
Thought I'd have time to keep the house clean, cook meals everynight and go out walking or start an exercise program, have a shower in the mornings.....
Thought I'd be able to sleep when bubs sleeps.
Didn't think I'd be so sleep deprived in the early weeks from either listening to dd breathe, waiting for her to wake for a feed or waking b/c I haven't heard her and check to make sure she is still breathing.

I knew it would be hard & would be sleep deprived quite a bit. Didn't know it would be so hard to get bub to sleep and the biggest thing, I didn't think it would be so one-sided i.e. the primary carer (mum in most cases) learn the lot about the bub and really pass the info onto the other parent after they come home from work. My hubbie had 4 days at home after home from hospital and I so know for next time he's going to be home for minimum 4 weeks!!!

As a SAHM, I still find I have to pass on the discipline technique etc that I use throughout the day & why it's not working for him. So overall, I guess I wasn't prepared for it to be quite a lonely job.........but I still love it :)

I must say that for me motherhood has been easier than I expected. I expected exactly what most of you girls seemed to have got - a baby who cried, suffered from colic, who I couldn't settle, would have reflux, difficulty BF, mastitis, cracked nipples, problems with DH, etc. What I got was a baby who slept for HOURS as a newborn (so much that I seriously feared he was autistic or brain damaged), the easiest time breastfeeding I have ever heard of, a child with a placid personality who didn't mind being changed or dressed, a DH who was so incredibly supportive during birth, after and to today (so much so that I don't think Flynn has had any negative impact on our relationship at all) and the kind of kid that to this day mums in my mum's group still envy.

I think that having such a negative, but dare I say realistic expectation of motherhood, actually made things pretty easy, and having a child with no health/early settling issues was a godsend. I must admit I had HOPED he would be sleeping thru by now, but even then I expected probs until he was at least two.

I gotta say, I do not expect lightning to strike twice and I TOTALLY expect this baby to be normal LOL!!

ETA: After sleeping on this I think that I underestimated how much of a negative impact motherhood would have on my attitude to my career. As I journey through the hormonal ups and downs of pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding (I have been doing one or the other constantly since August 2005 and if all goes to plan will keep doing so til at least mid-2011!!) I never thought I would waver between hating my job, dying to get back into it, resenting the disruption, back to hating my job and wishing for a career change. That was one roller coaster ride I didn't expect....

I've been thinking on this further, and another big thing that I did not realise about becoming a mother was that I would lose my 'sense of self' for a long time. This is probably related to the state of shock I mentioned in my earlier post.... because once I had this new baby in my arms, all of sudden I was just not the same anymore... its like I lost much of my individual identity and it was now purely about Aidyn... nearly everything I did and thought about was related to him... The first time I went out without him when he was a few months old, I felt anxious, exposed and uncomfortable - like half of me was missing. As mentioned before, I guess this is all just mothering instinct, to ensure the survival of our young... but it was definitely something I hadn't realised would happen, nor I don't think its something anyone can prepare for!
I wonder if I will feel it as strongly for baby #2 though?

Ditto Ambah! That, along with our long-term Bfing issues, has been the biggest change for me. And coming to terms with having a prem baby, though to a lesser extent than the other issues.

I expected everything else. I KNEW that I would be sleep-deprived etc etc, all the other things you girls have mentioned. I did expect to have some 'normal' amount of difficulty in establishing BFing, but I didn't expect that at 3.5 months it would be perhaps even more tricky, and not likely to improve in the near future. I assumed that because I wanted it so much, and was prepared to work on it, that it would eventually come together. It took me 10 weeks to realise that it doesn't always work like that.

And yes, the loss of sense of self, is somewhat surprising to me. Not in a bad way, it has just been unexpected. I knew I would be besotted with him, but I didn't really realise that my every thought and movement would revolve around him.

Oh my, I've been waking up in the middle of the night before Xavier and then wondering where he is (he's in his cot) but everytime I think that he's in bed with me, and I feel around really gently moving sheets etc looking for him, and then I start to wake up better and realise, lol his in his own bed.

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another big thing that I did not realise about becoming a mother was that I would lose my 'sense of self' for a long time

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Ambah I think that is what is behind my career crisis ATM - a GF said that BF, getting pg, stopping BF and now being 24 weeks pg will would seriously mess with my career mojo, but I think it goes far beyond hormones. I didn't mind being in baby-world when Flynnn was little and I was home full time, but as soon as I started getting back into the swing of work and was lucky enough to fall pg when we planned I started resenting the pull back into that world again. I didn't resent the baby that was to come or even how I would feel once I was there, but knowing that I was just getting a taste of "me" back and having to leave it all again was a real up-and-down experience.

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Oh my, I've been waking up in the middle of the night before Xavier and then wondering where he is (he's in his cot) but everytime I think that he's in bed with me, and I feel around really gently moving sheets etc looking for him, and then I start to wake up better and realise, lol his in his own bed.

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I do the EXACT same thing!

Ambah and Sez- Definitely agree and feel the same as you guys..I don't feel like 'myself' anymore- well not my old self anyway. Guess I'm a 'different' self that's all.

Another thing I didn't really imagine (to this extent anyway), was that everyone that comes over to visit, clearly says they are coming over to see Laila. And that's who they ask about on the phone etc. What about meee?! No one says how am I going! It feels like I am not important enough anymore! I know it sounds silly..Maybe that's something that contributes to the loss of self thing, as it feels like people don't really recognise me as a person anymore...
(I think I have just written a whole heap of rubbish that doesn't make sense! :))

I miss my preggie belly. I miss work - aarrrgh I cant believe I said it but its true. I miss the challenge and the adult conversation and debate. I miss the challenge of problem solving and being crazily busy and having to work through it - now its a different challenge of working out why shes not pooing properly or attaching properly etc.

I knew it would be hard - but in that sense of expecting something but not really understanding it IYKWIM.... I never realised how hard a simple trip to coles would be - timing feeds, nappy change, taking and packing a bag...

Lee - I agree with you too - It is hard to go from being the centre of attention in a way when pg (how are you?is the baby kicking? how many weeks are you? have you packed your bags?) to everything being about the baby. My dad forgets to say hi to me when I go over there! And a few times Ive had to fake drop the bottom lip with DH when he comes home because I could swear Ive turned into the Invisible woman!

On the other hand I never expected to love so much and to fall in love every single day. I never expected how I would feel watching my gorgeous DH with my girl...my heart melts every time I hear and see them together. I never knew how protective and selfless I would become as a mother. I never expected to be so proud to call myself a mum and how proud I am whenever I have to say "my daughter" I still pinch myself at times....

Thats enough waffle from me for now - Im getting teary!

You definitely make sense to me Lee. :) I don't think its deliberate a lot of the time when people say they are coming over to see bubs, and forget to mention you... I am probably guilty of it myself! But it does just add to the whole 'loss of self' feeling too, doesn't it.

Rory - I can understand what you are saying about just getting back into things and finding a bit of yourself again, and then you have to let it go again!... I will have to prepare for similar feelings come Feb when # 2 is born... as it is I am noticing being pg I am withdrawing again from the outside world and finding it really hard to focus on and be interested in my uni...

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On the other hand I never expected to love so much and to fall in love every single day. I never expected how I would feel watching my gorgeous DH with my girl...my heart melts every time I hear and see them together. I never knew how protective and selfless I would become as a mother. I never expected to be so proud to call myself a mum and how proud I am whenever I have to say "my daughter" I still pinch myself at times....

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Yep exactly!

:LOL: lee,

I told DH that I had been waking up looking for him, and he said yeah I know you've been saying some pretty weird things in your sleep too.

are you lieing on the baby, get off the baby :lol: where is he??

To which DH reply's he's in his own bed, and I go back to snoring.

That's funny! Sleep sure does some weird things to us sometimes doesn't it!

I thought of another big thing I didn't expect (not sure if anyone has mentioned it already??)
GUILT! But over simple things...does she have a dummy too much?? Should she even have a dummy?? Do I pick her up too much?? Not enough?? Do DH and I argue around her when we shouldn't?? Do I have enough milk??! I forgot to take my multivit..blah blah..it goes on and on.................:(