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In relation to an article I am compiling for the main site, this poll is to see what percent of BB members smack and don't smack their children. The poll is anonymous, so please be honest :) There is no right or wrong answer. Please only vote if you have a child 2 years or older.
Feel free to discuss or comment, inflammatory remmarks will be removed - let's keep it nice and civil and supportive :)
As James is only 10 months old, he really hasn't done anything yet that is intentionally naughty/dangerous. As a child my DH was smacked so hard by his father that he used to have bruises, so he is adament that he will never do the same to our DS.
I can't vote yet, but there's no option for me! I choose not to smack (even when DS is grabbing me, I ask him to let go politely before removing his hand, then thanking him - he is so clever he doesn't need me to remove the hand any more, he does it himself), however if DS does something dangerous that could get him killed (running away from me near a road... not that he'll ever have the chance to!) then I will give him a smack bum - he didn't listen to me so got hurt. My giving him a smack is a lot better than a car giving him a smack. I am hoping that he will always listen and I'll always prevent those things so will never need to smack though! I won't smack because he is playing with his toys and not helping me, however. Only in life-or-death situations when he doesn't listen to my verbal warnings and is old enough to understand these warnings.
I wont smack DD, IMO there is other ways to discipline my child. DP was smacked as a kid, with belts, wooden spoon, kettel cords and so on, and never stopped him. i was only ever smakced if i had done something really really bad.
i will tap DD on the hand sometimes and say no, but now she will stop when i say no. im sure when she gets older i will get frustrated at times and threaten too smack!!!
Smack sound so cruel (sounds like slap), but I am a firm believer of a tap to the bottom under the right circumstances and as a form of loving dicsipline. My parents did it to me and my sisters when we where growing up and although at that precise moment it seemed unfair and hurt like hell, it was done with so much love that I don't have bad memmories or connections to being tapped on the bum. Granted my parents NEVER hit us in anger and NEVER bruised us and NEVER BUT NEVER slapped us in the face. Always a tap on the bum and then you were left to cry it out. After that you would be huged and you would say that you were sorry and that you understand why you have been tapped. You would get a HUGE hug and lots of I-love-u's and then it's over. (if you are lucky - ice-cream)
It is the way I am going to raise my daughter. I would try other methods to (no TV ect), but tapping the butt would be my choice. I would also wait until she is big enough to understand why she is in trouble, I am not hitting my six month old!!
I know some of you would not agree, but then I don't agree on not tapping a bottom. PLEASE, I don't approve of slapping or hitting with an sjambok or a fist. I know that there are some ppl that treat their childern like adults by hitting them to hard. I hate that also.
i should add that i voted before reading kelly's post. i actually have never smacked dd, she's not naughty, only six months old. but i voted on what i would do, which was, hand tapping. my mother used to smack me and my brother and use a belt. dad only hit us once or twice ever. just knowing he was mad was scary enough without needing a smack. mum used to yell all the time and smack first, go to your room later. i vow to never do that. but there are times where there is no solution. i see in my head myself hitting or throwing dd when she won't stop screaming but it scares the hell outta me that i even think that. i put her down somewhere and go and calm down. i never want to hurt her. i feel the naughty corner is ridiculous but time-outs are great. when i babysat when younger, i used time out a lot. even with parent's permission to give a smack when child is REALLY misbehaving, i never did. once a tap on the hand as i told them not to touch the large knife i was using to make their dinner. i said don't touch and they did, just to defy me. so i tapped them on the hands. but i never smacked them, as i do not want to lose their trust. i didn't want them to not like me and hate me babysitting. but i do know there needs to be a line between parenting and friendship with your children. i don't like people smacking their children, but sometimes the shock makes it work. but there are other ways to discipline. most of us were hit by our parents and so most of us refuse to hit our children.
Hi There,
I was talkin about this with my dad the other day too. I think there is a strong line between disiplin and abuse.
As long as that line does not get crossed then i don't have a problem with a parent choosing to disiplin their child with a smack on the bum. Never did me any harm.
As a logical person I find it hard to reconcile smacking with teaching a child that violence is not the answer. Especially if it is violent behaviour (smacking, biting etc) that you are trying to stop. However, DH had the view that it did him no harm (matter of opinion that one really ;) ) so we trialled it for a bit when Jack had turned two and started the behaviours that go along with that. I felt it important to validate DH's parenting views as I am the primary caregiver and often do things "my way". But I am very pleased to report that we both came to the conclusion that smacking was the least effective method of discipline that we had tried. So DH suggested we stop (hooray!!) and we did. Jack's behaviour improved once we stopped smacking. Instead now, we spend lots of time talking and explaining things to Jack, we use the naughty spot, and if he refuses to stay then we stay with him and count down the time out aloud. We also take toys away, and once when he threw his plate, sandwich and all on the floor, we put him to bed early (and he's never done that since!!). These methods take more time, but it's worth it. They are more effective and make for a happier child (IMO!!).
Here's the article by the way :)
I have also asked people to vote on this topic who already have kids and they are 2+ because I think while you may have some preconceived ideas before you have children, many do change when you do have kids, and I also think these behaviours change in the ages too. I don't know many people who would smack a 6 month old baby but I have seen older kids being smacked. So just trying to get a more accurate picture.
I only tap my children on the hands to warn them....
But i could also go into the frustration option too...
Great article Kelly! :clap:
I think that it's a great article and hope it helps other parents who are struggling to find ways to effectively discipline. The thing that struck me in all the stories is that no-one felt GOOD after smacking - in fact they all felt bad. I can totally relate to this, both DH and I were nearly in tears ourselves each time we smacked Jack, it felt so wrong and so cruel. If smacking had had a postivie effect on Jack's behaviour instead of a negative one, I would have put it down to "mother guilt" and one of things that we have to do as parents that isn't always easy. But given the results, I can truly say that we felt that way for a reason - there are better ways (for us anyway).
Well I can't vote yet.. DS isn't 2! We do tap him on his hand, and I sometimes tap him on the leg when he's being stubborn and won't stop climbing up on the back of the lounge (you'd think falling off and bruising his head so many times would teach him - but no LOL)
We don't want to continue the smacking and plan to use other methods once we can find his 'currency' (to steal a Dr Phil term LOL). There's nothing yet that I can deprive him of, or take away. Altho we're finding just holding him firmly on our laps so he can't get away is working, so we do that now. So at the moment his currency is his freedom! LOL. We've tried sitting him in the corner, but he doesn't last very long, then it becomes a battle over that.. so holding him in our laps as the norty corner works atm :)
i have never smacked my children, nor will i ever. i just think for our family it doesn't fit. I really believe that violence begets violence and i see smacking as a form of violence - this is just my belief for my family. My kids are really happy, polite, respectful, easy going kids, we do use consequences for behaviour that are clear and rely on the children's choices. we really focus on the positive stuff they do to encourage them to continue that behaviour and ignore or use natural consequences for unacceptable behaviour in our home. we lead by example and are really very happy in our choice not to use punitive punishment. i was very severely beaten as a child, by both parents, and although this was at the very extreme just couldn't imagine ever laying a hand on someone ever.
I had a discussion, actually, last week with josh (12), he saw something on a tv show about smacking children. He was absolutely horrified. I realised he actually had no idea that alot of parents smack their children as a form of discipline. Actually he wouldn't believe me for quite some time. I went through the names of some people we know that have smacked their children and he was just flabbagasted by it. I really hadn't thought about discussing other people's parenting styles with him before and realised he really had no clue that this was a lot of people's choice. His easy 12 year old answer to it "well it's just wrong, it should be against the law" - hmmm if only it was that easy hey.
with respect to all
beckles
:bump:
Doesn't work for us so that's a no.
I didn't originally vote on this b/c DD was just a newborn. However, I voted 'I have smacked my children in the past but I don't anymore' as in I used to tap my DD on the hand (when she was younger) but I don't anymore. I use 1,2,3 (three chances for her to change her behaviour then a consequence such as time out or fav. toy taken off her) or time out (time in didn't work for us.. maybe it was my method??)
Well, I posted earlier. But it isn't an issue. And DS thinks that grabbing people's backsides is a great game given the reactions he gets (darn you DH for teaching him that one!) so a tap on the bottom is done in love, rather than as discipine.
Never smacked, just used sweet reason, time in and got DS to apologise. If he's too stubborn and it's a major issue, then time out until he will apologise. Also taught him to stop at roads at a young age so my above example of running in front of a car isn't applicable.
Well I can't vote because there isn't an option that says "I have very occasionally smacked as a highly unusual event but I don't support widespread smacking because there are far more effective techniques"
I think your option about frustration probably oversimplifies what is a fairly complex set of motivations when an anti-smacking parent does occasionally smack.
Did you see how long ago this thread was started? ;)
That's a bit cheeky Kelly - weren't you the one who bumped it? :p
Yeah I couldnt edit the answers now. I have re-written the BB article on smacking so was checking out what we had in the forums.
I haven't smacked DS ever and neither has DP. Of course I can never say never but I plan to never smack him. I just don't think it works. Prior to having him we talked about it and both came to the conclusion that if we used smacking, it would be saved for the really important stuff where safety and life was at risk (like running out onto a road etc) but I was much less comfortable with even that. Since DS is a reality and is into the 2-3 age of independence ;) I think we've both become even more definite in our anti-smacking stance for DS. I just don't think it's necessary. I would rather yell (and do sometimes, to my shame and disappointment) even though I consider yelling to be mildly harmful too (depending on what you're saying and the tone etc). I tend to walk away from DS (in anger) but even that I'm not comfortable with as I see it as a withdrawal of love/attention and I believe he acts out/misbehaves when he most needs attention/support/love etc. I am working on this in myself atm :)
I work with violent men in a professional sense.There is a lot of research out there to show that using violence/pain to teach a lesson doesn't work. Punishment does not work. It might temporarily stop the behaviour in question but it doesn't resolve the issue underneath that caused the behaviour and it merely makes people (and children) more determined not to get caught next time. It also teaches children that if they are bigger or stronger than the other person, then violence is an acceptable way to solve problems or resolve interpersonal conflicts. When people or children are victims of violence, it just creates a huge amount of negative emotion which is not conducive to learning at all. So the reason the smack happened in the first place can get lost.
I hate violence and I hate how readily condoned it is in society, the community, popular culture etc. Since having DS I have become more and more uncomfortable with the societal norm that it's ok to hit children, in the name of love but that same behaviour towards an adult is considered a crime (even when the perpetrator claims to have done it out of love etc). We don't accept domestic violence between adults but we do accept it towards children (to a certain extent and until it crosses some arbitrary line where after we decide it has caused harm). All violence is harmful IMO and I find it a double standard that DV among adults is generally something that is hidden, shameful, wrong but children can and will be hit, and often in public which makes the shame and embarrassment for them even worse. (I do think it's on a continuum though so I'm not trying to say that a single "light" smack on the bum has the same effect as a full blown and heavy handed assault, but having said that it does depend on the temperament of the child and the nature of the total relationship between the parent and the child at other times, there are lots of factors and judgements of harm are really subjective I know).
I don't mean any disrespect to other parents who hold different views or do things differently in their families but I do have strong feelings about this and I think that if hitting/smacking a child is a parent's response to misbehaviour, then maybe it's because they don't know any better or didn't get the skills from their own childhood etc. So I guess I'm trying to say it's the behaviour I hate, not the parent and I feel for parents as well as the child when I witness public smacking because I wish they had more skills or strategies or self control etc.
I've only ever smacked my DD a handful of times. And always it has been something that has been a dangerous situation, such as running out in front of traffic or going to touch a hot bbq plate - I'd rather her feel the pain of my hand to her bottom than get hit by the car or cop a serious burn to the hand. Immediately afterwards though, was the lesson on *why* it was so important that she listen to me, and the fact that it was so rare that I would smack her really drives it home to her that oh geez, Mum's deadly serious about this...
I don't believe it works as a regular discipline tool (how many times do we recall either ourselves or friends/relatives getting the wooden spoon broken across our backsides and still going "nyah nyah, didn't hurt"?) or for children older than about 4 - an age where it's a lot easier to reason with them or use other age-appropriate methods. I also really hate the use of the threat of a smack as a way of getting compliance as I think it leads to a child behaving out of fear of the smack rather than a desire to please.
I agree with Kaz's post completely.
I have smacked DD1 a couple of times when she was younger, despite my best resolution that I would never do it. I think as I have come to know myself as a parent, I know my boundaries and have decided it is definitely off limits. I have also found ways to regulate myself to make sure that it stays off limits and I don't find myself doing it because I am frustrated and don't know how else to handle the situation (which is what was happening when I smacked DD1). I still get frustrated, but I have found different ways to manage that and vent it that doesn't result in me smacking my kids. I am also more conscious now that my kids are getting older how much they are affected by my actions and I think that keeps me in check a lot also.
Another issue that I have with smacking is that I think it interferes with kids self protective instincts and behaviours. When teaching sex ed to small children, we talk about good touches and bad touches. What does a good touch feel like? What does a bad touch feel like? Bad touches are any unwanted touch ... which can be even as simple as a grandparent or parent hugging a child when they don't want to be hugged. I think as a society, we take it for granted that when we want to hug children, it is okay to do so and children have to accept it. I believe that this too interferes with a child's instincts around understanding their own feelings and therefore affects their ability for self protection.
I believe that when we smack kids, or touch them in any kind of unwanted way, we are desensitising them to many of their natural instincts especially around touch and we make self protection far more difficult.
As far as smacking for safety, I'm sorry Cranky Kitten, but I am also going to have to very respectfully disagree (not that I am judging you so please don't read this like that and this bit is also just a general observation and not directed at you :)). I have often heard other parents say that they smack kids when they are too young to reason with and safety is the main reasoning behind this. The reason that I don't think that smacking works when kids are too young to reason, is the amount of complex reasoning that it takes a small child to make the link between the smack and the behaviour. When kids are doing something - like running on the road, or playing with a hot plate - I doubt that many of them are actually thinking that thing specifically. I think many kids that go near the road, do it because they see something on the other side, or they are just running for the fun of it. Same as kids touching the hot plate or oven, I don't think they are specifically thinking about the hot plate or oven. So when we smack kids for those kinds of behaviours, I think it is very difficult for them to make the link between what we think they were doing and the smack. I guess that is why I find the argument that kids can't be reasoned with so interesting, because we are really expecting a huge amount of reasoning from children to understand why they are being smacked, to know not to do it again and to regulate themselves enough to go and find something to do. And if it is talking about it afterwards that makes the difference, then is there really much point in smacking in the first instance?
I do think talking about it is what makes the difference in these situations. I have never had to punish my kids for doing those things, but they understand not to go near the road or play in the kitchen. We did initially punish our kids with time outs as well for certain behaviours, but it occurred to us that it is the conversation with them that is making the difference, not the punishment. In many ways, punishment seems to me to be like red tape that I *should* be doing so that we could get to the real issue by talking about it later. Honestly, since stopping time outs, I have noticed no difference in the way my kids respond to us talking about behaviour.
Anyway, those are my thoughts on smacking. They are reasons why I feel that it doesn't work so please don't feel that I am judging parents who do smack. I am just sharing ideas :)
ETA: Just realised that this isn't the first page. Whoops! Makes more sense now :)
Great work Kaz & Just Me :D
As a child i was majority of the time threatened. My mum had my pa's old 'war belt' and we knew where it was kept and if she'd had enough of us and headed towards that cupboard my brother and i would go running before she even had it in her hands :lol: I do remember it being a bit of a game, we'd deliberately be cheeky, pushing the boundries a bit just to see what mum or dad might do and as soon as they got even close to that cupboard my brother and i'd be running to our rooms. I do not remember being hit with it but i assume i may have been from time to time.
For me as a parent (and from the moment i was a parent) i felt i could never smack my child. The thing that plays on me so much is the hurt and dissapointment my child may feel after i hurt them. I understand smacking is generally for a reason but it's also an act of causing pain. It's more so what they may be thinking inside that bothers me the most. I have never hit one of my children.
I have been in situations with my 4.5yr old (probably only in the last 1.5yrs) where i have thought to myself i can see how people could have gotten to the point of feeling they needed to smack a child. But i got past the situation without it. We use the time out or quiet time in the bedroom option and i understand people also have opinions on this but it works for us.
My DH was brought up differently, and i'm sure smacking wasn't that uncommon, not in an abusive way but it was a form of discipline. We have discussed smacking and for the most part we are 'on the same page' although i am aware of one occasion where he smacked our son on the bottom. I wasn't there but when i joined them the dissapointment in my sons face killed me. DH and i didn't discuss it in front of DS at all as i didn't want him to see us not supporting eachother but DH knows i did not agree with it. I think he was quite upset with himself for doing it anyway.
I'm a hand tapper. I prefer other forms of letting DD know she's doing something unacceptable and needs to stop now, normally I just start counting, speak up and put my stern voice on and if she continues I find a naughty spot for her to stand/sit while I tell her again why that is not ok etc and she gets the point, but there are some situations it's not practical - ie the supermarket trolley etc - then I will hand tap. It works, but I agree, although I was smacked as my main form of discipline (with the wooden spoon mostly then too as we were too good at darting hands ;) not painfully of course) and have no issues with it as I respect my parents immensely and am so glad they disciplined us and taught us how to behave appropriately from childhood - I also find other methods to be more effective.