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im just wondering is anyone having trouble with their 12 dd mine daughter has gone from this nice girl to a complete stranger shes swears all the time and you try talking to her and cant get boo out of her.she seems withdrawn from our family all the time i know its a teenager thing but im really worried about her .
I'm sure it IS just puberty making her moody.
Keep talking to her (even if she's shutting you out). Make time for just the two of you to do something she'd enjoy - even something a bit "grown-up" like a coffee/cake outing, beauty parlour, whatever you do as a woman. Has she gotten AF yet? I got mine a week before i hit 13 and i was a nightmare for about 18 months before....
I think if you treat her like a bit more of a grown-up and make it clear you expect her to act like a bit more of one too, while still allowing for occasional childish meltdowns (she's only JUST growing up after all) she'll come through it.
I think the most important bit (just like with toddlers) is to make it clear that even if you don't like her behaviour one bit you love her to pieces and want her to be ok.
HTH somewhat
Bec
has she started high school this year? i reckon that makes a huge difference to a lot of kids and can really change their attitude. her shutting you out is her way of establishing her independence
Unfortunately developing an attitude is the age! With the swearing I would probably say that its not really acceptable and that there are other ways of communicating her frustration. My dd has turned 13 this year and really goes up and down. For us it is a give and take situation, so we use privledges as rewards and they are taken away as well. For rude behaviour, Jess will often find herself grounded or her mobile phone taken away...as you can appreciate with your dd these can be huge things as their friends mean everything at this age! I hope it gets better for you...
Jo
hobbley she got her af this yr shes had it for about six mnths .i tried just me and her doing stuff together she doesnt like to be seen with me somedays and somedays she too angry with me to even talk to me.she did start highschool this yr which i know is part of the problem i just cant beleive the change already maybe i dont want her to grow up yet which i cant stop .i just think i cant leave her the ways shes going its schocking behaviour we tried everything she had her phone taken off her even her computer nothing works its like she doesnt care.i know shes changing and high school is hard for some kids but i want to be able to talk to her if only she didnt shut me out .sorry guys im just scared for her i dont want her to go off the rails
OMG you just posted what i have been feeling! Except my DD is nearly 16 and she doesn't really swear. I am going out of my mind with the attitude. We have taken Jess' mobile off her as we found that even though we have a rule of no phone calls after 9pm and we have spoken to her about it in the past and she is supposed to put her phone out in the kitchen at night, the last bill still showed her making calls at 10,11 and 12 o'clock at night on weeknights. The problem is she acts like she just doesn't care, she's so rude to everyone and gets all "huffy" all the time, its driving me nuts- where is my beautiful loving DD????
Sorry that turned into a rant about me, didn't mean to hijack just wanted you to know you are not alone and I have no answers either!
i hear ya mrs mac clarissa is so nasty to her younger sisters they just want to hang around her cause shes the bigger sister but she swears at them and tells them to go away all the time.im glad im the not only one .dont tell me it gets worse i keep on thinking if shes doing this at 12 imagine what shes like at 16 .
Gee... you guys are describing exactly how I was when I was a teenager! I guess I shut people out because I wanted my independance and thought that I was grown up enough to make my own decisions. I also hung around with people that were 3-4 years older than me, so of course they were allowed to do more than I was and I wanted to 'be like them'. I got to the point where I didn't care what my parents did to me ie. take my phone off me, ground me, ban me from the internet etc. I think that had a lot to do with who I was hanging out with though and their attitude (I had a friend who moved out at 15 with her bf and had a terrible attitude). For some unknown reason I thought she was cool and I guess I tried to be like her. I really don't know what you can do about it... but maybe like Hoobley said ... take some time out with your DD and do some girly things with her and let her know you love her and want to spend time with her. I am sure you do this anyway!!
Hope it sorts itself out soon enough... not sure if I have helped or not but I wish you all the best *hugs*
lol, unfortunately it's just adolescence! Reward her with more independence for good behaviour, and take away independence for bad behaviour.
Good books:
'Princess B*tchface Syndrome' by Michael Carr-Gregg.
And 'Queen Bees and Wannabes' by Rosalind Wiseman.
Thanks Sara Jane I will get those, I am finding it hard cause I so want to ask mum how she coped with me but she died 5 years ago so I have no one to ask (dad was always at work and I hated him so didn't have much to do with him in those days LOL)
Ive also found and have done so this weekend that I can plug in a bit more when we invite her friends over and just go and talk to them..they are pretty forthcoming with information in a group..i much prefer her being here with her friends than other places lol......then i know exactly what she is doing.
'Queen bees and wannabees' was really insightful too like SaraJane has suggested.
Jo
thanks sarah i will go and get those because today has been really bad its just clarissa me and jess as the other two are at their nans .and the whole morning i tried to spend time with me and the whole time she wont have a bar of me its horrible shes said that im an idiot .and then five mins ago she lost it and went outside hitting the wall i really dont know what to do i think there has to be something else bothering her .i just said to her everytime she swears im going to ground her for a day it didnt go now so well . parenting is so hard
My now 14 year old changed a LOT last year, his first year of high school. He was ALWAYS getting in trouble, being suspended, copping an attitude about everything! He's settled down a bit this year, although the attitude still needs adjusting. I just picked up a book the other day which I am still reading but might help. It's about changing the way we parent and apparently can help with the "opening" up and talking issues (which I'm excited about cos DS 1 clams up). It's called Children are from Heaven and it's written by the same guy who wrote Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. So far what I've read is awesome and I love it!
thanks ozziehoffy at the moment im willing to try anything i just know we both cant go on like this
I remember when my sister went through this (I had the pleasure of raising her from when I was 17). For her it was about several things;
Having to adjust from being a big kid to "small fry" at high school
Having to make new friends (even though some of her old friends went to her high school)
Being bullied. This was one of the biggest things. My sister was bullied a lot at high school and her way of dealing with it was to lash out at home and pick on weaker kids - so she could feel stronger and better about herself. The bullying also saw her engage in activities she probably wouldn' t have engaged in - just so she could be accepted.
Sadly, the year my sister started high school also coincided with the year our Mother died and the year our Father announced he was remarrying. Either of these two events on their own would have impacted enough but combine the two - whoa! But the very presence of change was enough for her to feel lost and the need to feel important and better about herself. The only way a lot of adolecents know how to do this is to lash out at parents and "weaker" kids.
I tried everything with my sister. Positive reinforcement, grounding, taking away privelages. Unfortunately she just got worse and worse. It wasn't until she was about 18 that she realised what she as doing and began to alter her ways. At the age of 20 she regrets a lot of what she did when she was younger. She can still be a bit ratty but is a million times better.
I hope you can make some headway with your DD. Just remember, she may act as though she hates the world (and she might even believe she does on some days), but she will always be your little girl and will always love you. And rest assured, she will always need her Mum and Dad and come running back to you when she needs help.
MG
thanks mg that meant alot reading that
I know exactly how you are feeling, I got a real shock when DD started this at 12 too. I thought it would be later, but that's the onset of puberty for you.
I started to feel hopeless with Belle, I found it hard to communicate with her, she was still my daughter but it was like the door was closed to me - very frustrating.
This worked very well for us -
I sat her down and said that I can see she is getting older and that it might be time we started to treat her like a young adult. I gave her the privelege and responsibilities talk and said that if she did all the things she was supposed to (make her bed, tidy room once a week, feed the cat each day, finish homework) by a certain time each week, she was ok to go out on the weekend. Her activities then would be go to the movies with a friend or have a sleepover etc. We wrote it down as I was not going to remind her and it worked a treat, as she liked not having to ask and she was in control of the situation, either she did it or not. She always did.
Sometimes she would seem really angry and rude, but unable to express it (she also started high school that year). We arranged for her to stick a different coloured post it note to her bedroom door to let me know if she was either - angry and didn't want to talk to anyone, upset and wanted to talk, or just wanted privacy. This was so she didn't run her mouth off and get herself into more trouble. It really ****ed me off when she was rude so it saved my blood pressure a little bit, and she learnt it was totally unacceptable to speak to me rudely.
I also explained that for the time being I was run off my feet with Mitchell (newborn then) and I missed having as much time with her and we arranged to book in an 'appointment' to go somewhere just by ourselves. This actually only happened once or twice as the little bugger kept going out with her friends instead! I know she resented how little I saw of her, but I couldn't change that at the time and she just had to get used to not being an only child.
I still slip into her bedroom when the babies are asleep and have a catch up, she is a very independent 15 year old now, and it isn't fabulous all the time (you should have seen the unbridled eye-rolling and and puffing when I just asked her to do some dishes). It may well amaze you just how SELFISH they can be at this age, I felt really disappointed at one stage, she was such a caring child usually, but when I asked around every single parent said their child was pretty much the same. In fact she was so horrible to her little brother (just being nasty and mean) that he still has never forgiven her and it's mucked up their relationship. He tells her to get lost when she comes home from school, so she is reaping what she sowed - and learning the consequences.
I really, really feel that lots of parents start trying to be their childs buddy at this time and it's not the way to go. Teens want boundaries, even if it is just to have something to push against. They rant and ***** about it, but it's what makes them feel secure and cared about. That is her safety zone that she comes home to. Growing up is hard and I can't fight her battles for her but this I can do.
Just remember, it's not going to be a walk in the park either way, your daughter is starting to stretch into a new skin, she may be shutting herself away in a cocoon right now, but in a while she will emerge a butterfly. It's a wonderful thing to watch.
Good luck with it all, mummy of a young lady :clap:!!
thanks lulu some of your things that u did sound great.i think i am trying to be a parent and a freind and its just not working
Very very important point!!!!!!!!!!!!:
I really, really feel that lots of parents start trying to be their childs buddy at this time and it's not the way to go.
Oh wow I know soooo many parents like this....mums especially...drives me batty
Jo
i know i thought if i try to be a freind to her i could help her but silly me im guessing im trying everthing at the moment .actually yesterday she was like clarissa again she was in the backyard playing soccer with her sisters it was so great i miss that
Hi jes,
I have a younger sister, who from about 13 got the 'attitude' big time and I found it hard to be around her. She's just turned 16 and she's human again! Well she has been great for ages now but I guess what I'm saying is that it's pretty normal. Hormones have a lot to answer for!
:lol::lol:dont tell me i have to put up with tis 3 more yrs
i dont think i can make it that long
I found my DD only started to get bad this year at 15, maybe that means next year she'll be beautiful again??? Actually this week has been quite good and she has been really lovely to her sister for 2 days now LOL
2 days isn't bad hey! Although sometimes it's like waiting for the other shoe to drop....
Sometimes if we had a rough few days I would get out the photo album and look through them with DD. I tell her all the funny things she used to do and say, point out how much her sister and brother look like her etc. It can be a nice trip down memory lane and a nice ice breaker to a decent conversation. ICE being the operative word here!
xoxoxoxo
actually clarissa has been hanging around a few different people than she usually does and what a difference it makes she is actually being nice YAY its nice to have her back again it might not last so im going to make the most of it
oh thank god i found this thread!! I have been pulling my hair out - that is what is left that hasn't turned friggin grey! DD turns 12 in less then a month, and the last few months have oscillated between hell and "oh there she is that beautiful girl of mine". She sat on the bed last night in tears saying " i dont' know what is wrong with me"...poor little thing. I remember oh so well the agony of adolescence...it was a nightmare.... its hard being on the other side of it, watching it, and being powerless to stop it. I agree with the whole boundaries thing. I think the hardest thing I am having trouble with is having to change "gears" in my parenting.... things that used to work, just dont cut it anymore. Think I will look out for those books mentioned. Did you find then helpful jesabel? I think that the nightmare with DD's father hasn't helped thing either... oh I wish a manual would fall out of the sky and give me all the answers :(
I did something similar to this with a 13 year old that was part of the family I nanny'd (I was there for the younger ones). I think it was clip art that had them, but basically they were large smiley faces, except one was angry, one was crying, one was sulking etc. I enlarged them to fit one face per A4 piece of paper, printed them out and laminated them. She would stick which ever face best described how she was feeling on the outside of the door. This gave me a little insight into her moods.:
We also had the rule that door completely shut meant stay away completely, door closed but not clicked shut meant she wanted to talk about it. Door completely open was free to enter and everything was fine.
This allowed her to have her space when she needed it without anyone bugging her - the other siblings learnt what the faces meant, and even her parents adopted it. It also saved people from getting snapped at.
If she was having a particular bad day, I'd find a spot for just me and her, a packet of chocolate biscuits and tell her I was there to listen. The biscuits worked as a bribe to get her started, and a distraction to keep my mouth shut - most times you'll find they just need to let off some steam and vent - they don't want you to try to fix anything. Usually once she got started, she'd get a good vent off and feel heaps better.
its been a roller coaster since ive last wrote on this thread but lately we been using a option where if shes open and honest with her we will let her do some things cause we found the grounded sending her to room just didnt work all it did was make her to be an angry little girl i thought she was just probably had enough shes dealing with highschool and then to come home and fight everyday it was becoming a nightmare for everyone .somedays its crazy and i know its going to get worse but all i can do is try to be there for her which sometimes she looks at me and looks like she hates me . its not easy but its a roller coaster everyday
im going to try to choc biccies great idea
On thursday night I actually went out to avoid doing or saying anything to Laura that I couldnt take back. She is up and down and all over the place. bloody hormones. On Friday morning, she is in my arms sobbing saying "why am I like this? I hate it!" several people have suggested evening primrose oil...think I might give it a go. and maybe some rescue remedy.
maybe i should give that a go as well never heard of giving it to girls before but it cant hurt
nothing ventured nothing gained .ihave to go to a naturopath for some help with endo treatment so i'm going to take her with me.will let you know how it goes.
i went to the health shop yesterday and im trying my girls on efalex i didnt its got alot of things in it i thought i give that a go
I found a remedy called Adol-essence! See if you can find that, it should be sold with the other Bach Flower Essences, but this is an Australian Bush one.
Vey cool.
This should pass ladies, Belle is 15, and although it is still up and down - the hormonal thing is waaaay over. :clap::clap::clap:.
JB, how long has this been going on now?
Ast - how old is your little gem?
Lulu - my princess is 12 in a couple of weeks.
Jes - I got that book "princess B!tchface syndrome" and so far waht I have read has been brilliant. highly recommend it.
feeling yuk today, as I had surgery yesterday...and god love her (my princess) she is being an angel...wonder how long that will last???
lulu its been like since term one i think it started about the second week of highschool and all yr it just got worse .oh i will have to get that book
whats wrong vicki are u ok?
clarissa got two more days of school left then shes home for six weeks im not looking forward to that isnt that horrible i can just see it though its going to be up and down im guessing .she can be so nice and then its like she wants nothing to do with me i hope next yr it gets so much better
I think coming up to 12 is THE TIME. It's way earlier than I expected TBH, I thought she'd start about 14 for some reason.
This time is a killer - from the various posts here, and chatting to my gf's.
Jes - hopefully she will settle soon, it might be worth getting the book ast recommended, I've heard very good things about it. You've done nearly a year of this so the cycle will wind out soon :pray:.
that what im hoping for lulu i thiught ive done this for a yr but everyone keeps telling me yr 7 just the start yr 8 worse then from yr 9 thaey get better well i actually quite scared i dont think it could get worse shes already ly ing about where she is going and she stole money shes not a bad kid shes just confused where she fits in i think i think shes still trying to find herself and she very popular and i think that makes it even harder
Does she play sport or have an outside school activity - it may help move her focus to something more productive.
I sometimes feel for the kids in the 'popular' groups, they tend to have a lot of followers and/or biatches around them and they have more of a profile to maintain iykwim?
Sorry about the money thing - it's a bit eeek. What did you do about that, did you post somewhere and I missed it? XOXOXOXOXO great, big, fat hugs. Beer/wine can be helpful sometimes.......
yeah she plays soccer the money thing only happen recently .
she was grounded and she done a chore for me to pay back the money
the other week i had a really bad day and i sat down and had a glass of wine and it was great it was so relaxing im thinking i should do it more often