Countering the "rod-for-your-own-backers"

What do you tell yourself when the "rod-for-your-own-backers" get in your ear? I'm perfectly happy with my parenting choices and then someone says something and a doubt forms for a little while until I can drive it away reminding myself why I've made those choices.

For example:

Co-sleeping: I get to comfort DS as soon as he needs it, I get more sleep, I don't have to get up in the cold, its so sweet when DH has fallen asleep with DS before I come to bed and they're snuggled up together, we get more cuddles.

Not doing CC: Its better for DS mental health, DS knows he's important and if he needs comfort he'll get it, Its better for my mental health.

Demand b/feeding: DS can regulate what he eats, I can provide comfort to DS quickly, when he's sick (as he is now:( ) he can have more bf's, we both enjoy bfing so why stop.

What are your affirmations?

I try to look surprised. "Really? DD is a wonderful sleeper/feeder/settler." I react as though it would be unthinkable and unnatural to do it any other way!

And it depends on the comment.

"Are you still breastfeeding?" - Of course, DD has three bfs a day. We love it! Plenty of babies have a bottle at this stage, why wouldn't I let her bf?
"You let her sleep with you?" - Whenever she's unhappy. Usually it's when she's sick or has had a nightmare. I feel so sorry for her, all alone in the dark. After all, I never sleep alone!

I would never let my child cry repeatedly to 'train' her to sleep. My comment is usually that I've always responded to her cries quickly and she's very good at settling herself. It helps to build their confidence if you don't let them cry.

But to be honest, most of the comments from the rod-for-your-back ppl came in the early days when these things came up. There's no defence like a very happy, healthy and confident child who's running around, eating and sleeping well on the whole!

Oh I get the "rod for your back" comment because we dont do CC... I just smile and say "oh well".
I did used to tell the person my reasons for doing it my way, but you know what people can be like with thos sort of thing.. its their way or no way!

Anyway, In my head I am just saying basically the same thing as you.. Its betterfor our mental health and I feel a whole lot better doing it my way.

I havent told anyone we co-sleep. I cant be bothererd having to listen to the negative comments I know I'll get, so I just dont say anything at all. We like co-sleeping and its our decision and we're happy to do it. She sleeps just fine during the day in her cot so thats not a problem.

Demand breastfeeding... yeah i still get "oh youre STILL feeding her THAT OFTEN????" I just think well yeah, I eat that often so why cant she?

When I had Matilda, I often listened to them & would wind up a mess.

With Jovie, I answer back. WHAT?? You let your child scream?? Why would you do something like that? What rod?? Who has the rod?? I certainly don't expect her to be sleeping in my bed, breastfeeding at the age of 15, so what is the problem?

So over people and their cc, co-sleeping, etc, etc opinions. Yeah sure people can have their opinions but don't start trying to influence other mums, especially when they may be new and might not have that much confidence in what they are doing yet, like I was a few months ago and believed everything that someone said. Now with a bit more knowledge up my sleeve I laugh quietly away inside to myself when they start their rant. I feel like saying (but don't but might start doing so) "Okay and your with my baby 24 hours a day so you know exactly what she needs/wants?" - always gotta believe in yourself.

Laurin :)

To any critics of my parenting style (particularly in relation to hammocks/no cc/baby wearing, I just say "Call me an earth mother hippy if you want.........it works for us!"

I'm quite non-confrontational so I usually just smile and nod and totally ignore thier advice. Or I just say "I'll take that into consideration", once people hear that line a few times they come to understand that what I really mean is "I'm going to ignore that completely".
It works for me, I haven't heard any unsolicited advice in ages lol.

I get it from my Aunties and surprisingly a man at work but his wife told me to ignore him.

As a new mum i find it amazing how many people are quick to tell you off for doing certain things such as co-sleeping and how you are ruining your baby, and then say 'we did that and we certainly regretted it when we couldn't get the baby out of our bed'.
Well YOU did it, why can't i!! :D

So are thier babies are still in thier beds?

Sometimes I wish I could say "I'll tell you where you can put your rod..." The way I see it, it's my back and my rod and I will do with it what I want. I've been lucky I guess that I haven't ever had much trouble with people offering 'advice' but the biggest one was about letting them cry - whether it be for sleep or just crying in general and I'd get the 'no one ever died from crying' - pfft to them - who wants to prove that one right? ;)

I can switch off and ignore it most of the time but I do find myself making up excuses for co-sleeping, BFing overnight etc. Then I get angry with myself for doing so - Why should I make up ANY excuse? Most of my choices are just that -CHOICES i've made because I won't let my baby cry and I actually enjoy having him close at night.
The trouble in our family is that my DH is not so good at ignoring the comments. He is constantly getting people at work telling him to do this or not do that. I just wish he wouldn't' tell them so much especially about our sleeping arrangements. I'm sure he doesn't tell them how to raise THEIR children.
Funny isn't it, how so many people just can't wait to give you an opinion on childrearing. I think it often comes from those who feel they need to justify their own choices. Those who advocate CC will often tell you how awful it was to hear their baby crying for hours and hours but that it didn't do any harm and that is really what everyone should do.Because of course, sleeping with your baby or comforting them many times overnight is just WRONG... isn't it? . In other words, "if everyone does it (cc etc) then I won't feel so bad".
Anyway, I could go on and on about this topic sometimes. i just tend to tell people now that I am doing what is right for ME and MY baby.

Oh Meredith I hear you! I think you are so right, people feel like they have to justify the choices they have made, even if it was 25 years ago!

I wish I had the nerve to tell people that I think it's awful to leave a baby to cry. Why are we made to feel bad for comforting our babies? I mean, what's so wrong with that? As it is, I don't really discuss any of our arrangements with anyone......I just don't want to have to deal with the rod-for-your-own-backers. If I had more guts though, I would happily share.

Funnily enough, I am happy to proclaim my right to BF anywhere and everywhere, and have no problem with telling people about the BFing road we are travelling......I have a response for all of their comments. But it's the sleep stuff and cc stuff that I'm a coward about. I wonder why that is........?

As you have probably read, I am reading and loving 'The Science of Parenting' by Margot Sunderland. So when I saw this thread, immediately I thought to myself that I would reply, 'Well science actually now says that this is the best, healthiest way to respond to my baby.'

I really, really recommend the book, helps with confidence and with what to say :P

I just tell people I co-sleep, still breastfeed etc etc because I'm lazy. It seems to satisfy the self-important so and so's and it's true.....

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I certainly don't expect her to be sleeping in my bed, breastfeeding at the age of 15, so what is the problem?

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PMSL Christy!! How right you are!!

I also get people looking shocked when I say I'm still BF and he's only not quite 5 months old yet!! He looooooves it and I love when he stops, looks up at me and grins then goes back to business.... I mean, hell who wouldn't love that?? You do what is best for you and your bubba! You're doing great :D

Yep when they are 15 you will be worrying about WHOSE bed they are in! Can't win!

Oh I'll join the lazy camp! LOL. I can't be stuffed pacing the halls trying to make my baby sleep when I can stick him on the boob, feed him to sleep, then have him sleep with us all night!

I usually go with the shocked reaction too.. why would we do things any differently??? We actually have had a variety of sleeping, be it in the cot, with us, or part-time with us.. we just do whatever works whenever it works. LOL. It's made DS a very flexible sleeper actually - will go off to sleep anywhere and quite quickly!

I found most comments were in the early days as a new mum, and especially mum to be. You get the condescending roll of the eyes whenever you say you're planning to use cloth nappies, or you're not going to use drugs during labour, or whatever. It's the whole "oh you don't know what it's like until the baby comes... you'll be too tired.. blah blah blah". I'm soooo careful when I talk to new pg mums and young girls now how I talk about labour & newborns :) I'm sure a couple of teenage girls I was talking to the other week are now gonna be cloth nappy, breastfeeding mummas, not afraid of a bit of labour pain! ;)

But now that I've got legs to stand on, ya know - proof is in the pudding! people don't question or advise so much these days. We get a lot of raised eyebrows (like with b/f whilst pg) - but hey - they can't really pick fault with how healthy & happy DS is, and how happy we are either.

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So are thier babies are still in thier beds?

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Actually, my bro has a 10yr old & 6yr old, and yep - still in their bed a lot of the time LOL.

The best thing I heard from as a mum-to-be was when I asked a colleague his tips (he has two little girls) and he said, 'you don't need advice, you'll figure it out as you go' (or words to that effect). He was the only person I've ever come across who gave the right advice!! So that's what I use for any mums-to-be that I come across now, basically to do whatever works for them and don't listen to all that unsolicited advice!

I think it'll be a sad day when my DD no longer wants to bf. It drives me batty that she's now ditched the sleeping in co-sleeping, I wish she'd go back to it! Much nicer than being poked in the eye or watching her run around and play in the middle of the night when she's woken up for god-knows-what reason.

I'm trying to pluck up enough courage to be witty back when asked why don't I do CIO or CC and say along the lines of
"WHAT?? You let your child scream?? Why would you do something like that?"
I think some people need to see the silly side of CIO and CC and how terrible it really is but at the moment it seems to be a socal norm.....

Jennifer - yep - I just openly let ppl see what/how we do things... and it often leads to questions and discussion. It was really nice to hear those teenage girls talk about cloth nappies actually (teens are very enviro friendly oriented these days it seems!) and so I was able to show them the nappies and talk about how easy it is to use etc. I breastfeed in company - and that raises eyebrows, and then more questions. hehe. They can see our philosophy is 'do whatever works' :)

'do whatever works'

I agree - why do something that only leads to an unhappy mum and child

Liz, I love the quote in your signature . I think that would make a great reply to the rod-for-your- backers!!
Why does it seem to be the "done" thing to try and MAKE babies conform for adult convenience.
Which reminds me of how I got my Dh to really accept all that we are doing (he has been very sceptical mostly because of outsidde "advice"). He told me not long ago that the one thing that clicked for him, out of all the reasonings I gave for co-cleeping, was that our baby will only be a baby ONCE and for such a short time in the scheme of ours and his lifetime. Why would or should we start inforcing adult rules on such an inoccent and not only deprive him of our presence at night but also ourselves the joy of snuggling next to a sleeping baby. We can NEVER EVER get this time back again. Before we all know i, our "babies" will be telling us to get out of their space and leave them alone!

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Why does it seem to be the "done" thing to try and MAKE babies conform for adult convenience.!

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I say to myself that I'm here for DS convience, he's not here for mine - he can have a feed whenever he wants (like right now!), and if he needs comfort I'm going to give it to him.

You've got the right attitude to me!

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Why would or should we start inforcing adult rules on such an inoccent and not only deprive him of our presence at night but also ourselves the joy of snuggling next to a sleeping baby. We can NEVER EVER get this time back again. Before we all know i, our "babies" will be telling us to get out of their space and leave them alone!

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Oh I sooo hated getting that crap bout making rod for my back! I remember Ash being barely 3 months and getting told I have to do CC, that I have to get her into a routine, set nap times etc.
When she was born I was told, don't carry her too much, don't feed her to sleep etc. It drove me nuts.
I usually tried to ignore it or change subject but if these ppl went on then I'd get very defensive. I even once printed out about effects of CC on babies and gave them to the IL's!

I bottle feed, and Nicholas sleeps in his own cot, and I would LOVE to co sleep and breastfeed! I have tried to get Nic to sleep with us, but he won't and prefers to be in his own cot. He settles straight away, so no need for CC here! I lvoe it when the girls get into bed with us in the night, and they are 7 now. They grow up so fast, I think we should spend as much time cuddling them as possible before they don't want us to anymore!

those rod for your back people really irk me!!

I found the best way to deal with them was to remain calm but serve it right back!

"firstly,I don't mean to sound rude, but I don't recall making any comments on your parenting style!! what makes you feel that you are right and I am wrong? do you have research to back up your claims? because I can pull together a stack supporting my choices"

that gets them everytime!! there aren't many that will come back from that!

if they do persist.... then I usually ask them to to justify their decisions to me.... I refuse to be the one on the back foot.... especially when i know that i'm right (who else is going to be right when it comes to the parenting choices that effect MY family?!? )

I would never ever make a judgemental comment like that to someone else... and it seems that most parents that co-sleep, BF, baby wear etc are not the types that go around judging others anyway...

Personally, i think the people that these people that feel compelled to question our parenting styles are doing so becuase they need validation for their choices.... and that's not my job.

he he, I've had a good old chuckle reading your posts...yes, it seems there are do-gooders all over the place, who must be convinced the world would stop if it wasn't for them!!
No matter what we parents do, someone, somewhere is bound to find faults, just bear that in mind and get on with parenting as you see fit.
I have a friend who parents very differently to me but we just listen to each others tips and live our own lives and there's no bother at all.
As some of you know, I am now pregnant with baby #7 and you simply would not believe what people tell me.....a neighbour of ours keeps interfering, and tells me 'how' I should parent my kids, you can only laugh when you learn that she has Never had any children - must be what makes her such an expert!!!
I got a mouthful off her for being such an awful mother the other day.....one of the children just wouldn't listen to me when we were out in the garden, so I yelled at them...............so madam came out with her opinions!!! I give up!!!

he he, I flipped the other day!
I'm sure that most of you with more than the average 2.4 children will know what i'm talking about here.
Somebody had a go at me for being pregnant with baby #7, saying that having so many babies all together does my body so much harm.
OK maybe it doesn't do my insides any good, but the way I see it, if these people are such experts, then why can't they answer me when I ask them this question.... If growing babies does so much damage to my womb, with me having 7 children, then what about the mothers who have 13/15/17 children or more.........................surely their babies have grown in their wombs as well, they didn't grow them in grow bags in the green house, did they?
So far, no answers!!

Jay Jay!!! 7 babies makes you the expert I reckon!!! I can't beleive anyone would have the nerve to tell you what to do!! MIND MELTING!!!

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE??

and the neighbour with no kids.... well that probably qualifies her to be a baby expert in bizarro world.... although doesn't it seem like all those "baby sleep experts" that go around the talk show circuit etc are experts, yet they have no children!?!? I think it's got to seem like a good idea to CC you're getting paid for it and when the baby isn't your own.... or maybe i'm just cynical!

Well said Liz and jennifer. I'm another "lazy" BFing co-sleeping parent LOL All for just doing what feels right intuitively.

If the Rod-for-the-backers had all the answers there wouldn't be so many baby care/advice books on the market.

I also generally do what Dachlostar does: smile and ignore. But somedays i argue their points... just depends on my mood and/or how my children are at the time.

I also agree: there is no better defence than success and I generally find that my "attachment parented" children are more settled than those raised according to the philosophy of the back-rodders.

Jay Jay - if you were childless you would be in trouble too! Glad you're here, I'll be keeping a watch for your parenting advice.......

I hate all the people who think it's their prerogative to give parenting advice! Especially the ones who only have negative things to say. ILs are definitely the rod-for-your-backers and I had to work hard to convince DH that trying things my way was better for the baby and us at the beginning. Now I feel I won the war as he said to me yesterday after I took out a new doona cover, "you should start buying king size bedding as we'll need a king size bed soon so we can fit all the children in."

As for what do I tell people, I generally don't say anything at all. If someone asks my advice I tell them what I do and why, that it is better for everyone and there is a lot of research to back up the fact the gentle way is the way to go.

So how do you handle people (like my mum - god love her) who don't believe in the research. I'm lucky she's almost on my side as she's the one who told me to take Maya into bed with me in the first place. But she does believe that I need to put her in her own bed now (she's 3 months) or she'll never leave ours (I'm trying but she's not ready yet). She doesn't believe in any research I could quote because she thinks it's just another fad (just like CC). it's hard to argue when she brought you up...
Oh and then she keeps telling me about a friend's 3 year old who keeps throwing bad temper tantrums because the parents let him do whatever he wants including sleeping in there bed. She doesn't understand that co-sleeping doesn't equal letting them do whatever forever.
My MIL (and other people around me) on the other hand gently criticises me for being too soft. She's my DH's stepmom and has never had a baby of her own, so she's not too pushy. But when I tell her that I think we're on the right track as I have a child who got into the day/night rhythm at 5 weeks and who doesn't cry much during the day and never at night or bed time. She just says: "Of course she doesn't cry, she doesn't have a reason to because you do whatever she wants" What, and that's a bad thing that I don't give my child a reason to cry???

I don't see a reason to change in a hurry as we're all getting a decent night's sleep, I have a very happy baby and I actually love the cuddles at night and waking up to a big smile from my girl.

Meh..... show me a 3 yo who doesn't chuck tanties.
I think you could gently point out to your mother that there isn't much point in comparing the behaviour of a 3 year old and a 3 month old. You can deal with the 3 yo issues in 3 years.
If you don't see the point in changing because you're all happy why not just say so.

TBH, my reaction to the rod-for-your-backers does depend on thier motivation. My aunt was visting last week and she's a dear old person who only wants what's best for me. She said that letting your babies get in the habit of sleeping with you can be awful because you never get a good night's sleep. She didn't say this to put down my parenting or upset me but just because she genuinley wants me to sleep well. There was no way I could have responded nastily to her, especially since I remember jumping into her bed as a child lol. She just wanted to share her experience and wisdom and since she's raised 2 well balanced happy adults I think she's worth listening to even though I won't always agree.

Dachlostar, I love the link you have at the bottom of your signature - and unfortunately it's also illegal to shoot those who continually give unwarranted/unwanted advice!

I'd rather make a rod for my own back than a cross for it - untimately, to whom are we answerable for our parenting? It sure ain't other people. If you can't just smile and wave, you could try the book The Science of Parenting, which explains why gentle parenting is the best scientifically!