what do you know now that you wish you'd known then?

As a first time mum-to-be starting to plan for my upcoming birth, i just wondered if i could learn from the experiences of all you lovely mums out there. i'm starting to write up my birth plan and i'm just wondering..
what do you know now that you wished you'd known before giving birth?
what do you wish you'd done differently (if anything)?
what do you think is the most important advice for someone about to go through the experience?
Any experiences/advice/ideas would be much appreciated...as much or as little as you'd like to share...i'm just trying to gather as much info as i can so i can go into my birth experience empowered and with my eyes wide open iykwim? thank you :)

With my first son I had it all planned, but they flew out the window with each contraction.
Although I was stronger than I thought as I thought epidural would be the way to go however I didnt have one either birth.
The second birth was a scheduled induction and was really scary and went forever
if there is anything I would do differently it would be accepting medication to help me sleep the night before my younges son was born.
The best laid plans can go out the window when you are faced with labour.
Pain takes over and you are totally out of control of what is happening to you.
Each labour and birth was different as are each of my sons.
Just remember that it is only one or two days of hell for a lifetime of pleasure.
It is all worth it and you feel so strong after it's over.
Any other questions, just ask me.
Good luck, Catherine

Hey Gracie

congratulations on your pregnancy...and impending arrival of your beautiful baby :)

you will get some great responses to your post...but I can offer the following suggestions ;)

surround yourself with empowered and positive people in labor and birth...nurturing as well...and a team that is willing to stand up for you...the lovely birthing woman...and what you really want

use pregnancy to prepare for labor and birth...reflexology, hypnobirthing, yoga, homeopathy, naturopathy...nurture yourself!

for thoughts in labor...
think about your pain relief options...even if you dont want anything...have a back up plan
light nibbles and drinks to keep energy levels up
set the scene...music, lighting, reduced noise
positions you find comfortable (yoga really helps with this, plus allowing optimal positioning of your baby in the pelvis)
waiting for uncontrollable urge to push...reduces length of 2nd stage and is better for you and baby
water/bath...what a fantastic medium...provides comfort, security, buoyancy, warmth, pain relief
requesting that no one talk as your baby is being born...so your baby hears your voice
perhaps asking for no vaginal examinations unless necessary...every time you are examined it interrupts the labor process, is uncomfortable for you and someone else is touching you baby before you do
and on from above...asking if you can touch your babies head as it is being delivered...or even if your DH is keen, asking if he can assist with the delivery of the body
a special bunny rug to wrap your baby in after birth...one you have been sleeping with so it smells exclusively of mummy
skin to skin contact after birth...which helps with bonding and that first breast feed
special time alone with your precious bundle after birth...weighing the baby etc can wait

and my tip...labor and birth involves the whole body...emotional and physical, and can be overwhelming...ride the waves of the contractions one at a time...breathe and oxygenate your baby and uterus...remain calm...and enjoy (yes it can be enjoyable)

phew! hope that helps...I could keep going :)

xx yogababy

That breastfeeding is hard work and something that not always comes naturally, that is the one thing that I really wish I knew.

And as the others said, have a plan but have a back up in case it all goes out the window, asert your plan and your opinions its your choice your body and your baby.

(or as my mum says, leave your dignity at the door and pick it up on the way out)

I wish I had known how wonderful it was to have a child - maybe that way I wouldn't have looked at the midwife like she was mad when she offered me to watch Flynn crowing in the mirror LOL! Seriously, I think I lost sight of what I was doing at one stage I was so tired and had been pushing for so long (Flynn was posterior and took about 2 hours of pushing to get out). This time I will KNOW what is at the end, and will use that as a focus, IYKWIM?

I wish I'd known that a Stretch and Sweep was going to make my contractions irregular, was going to make me lose my plug and make me bleed, and was going to hurt so much!

I also wish I'd known that just because BFing was easy before, that no two children are alike and the next one might be much more difficult, and would require much more patience and persistence.

sushee- can i ask what a stretch and sweep actually is? i've heard it referred to a few times on this site but don't actually know what it is..

I wish I had read New Active Birth.

I wish I knew that sitting in the car and lying on my back would be the worst positions to be in. And that I should not make any decision about pain relief while in those positions.

I wish I knew that upright positions (for me the best was kneeling and leaning forward) helped open the pelvis and therefore progress labour, as well as being far more comfortable.

I wish I knew that my labour would be quicker than they were telling me.

I wish I knew how much better it felt after giving birth to have not had an epidural and be mobile.

Lucky I knew all this the second time (well except for knowing how much better it would feel afterwards).

Gracie, my best advice to you is to read up and be prepared and informed. Best of luck, I have read some of your other posts and I think you are going to be just fine.

Gracie,

it's the practise of your caregiver manually stretching your cervix and sweeping your membranes in order to seperate them from the cervix, and it's supposed to help kick start labour. In my case it actually hindered it and knowing what I know now I won't ever have one again (if I ever had another baby that is!)

Well, I had my son sooooo fast, that all of my birth plans went completely out the window. I'd bought lollies and stuff for my DH so that he would have plenty to keep his energy up in the expected hours long labour that never happened. I reckon I started labour in the second stage!! We ate them 4 days after my son was born because there just simply wasn't the time to eat them.

In the case that you happen to have a birth that isn't like the long one you're expecting I can tell you:

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY...........

Somebody on the line might be telling you that you are being "a bit over anxious". I listened to the person on the phone line thinking "well, they know what they're talking about. This is my first baby.... I know jigger all". Next time I won't be so forgiving. I'll definitely be listening to the signals my body is giving me....... boy!! are they BIG signals..... how I ignored them I will never know. The person on the phone line was soooo wrong and I think they realised that when I turned up to the hospital and they did the internal check - panic stations were suddenly hit. Don't ask how I made it to the hospital - that's a whole other story.

Be prepared for anything - birth is NOT text book.

I wish...

I had listened to my instincts about DH and hired a proper birth support person/Doula even though he didn't want that.
Someone had told me that when you push it's like you're doing the biggest poo in the world.
I hadn't bowed to the pressure from the medical profession and DH and had the induction - DS would have arrived at that time anyway and I would have been happier.
That I'd made more than one copy of my birth plan so when it was "lost" I didn't need to keep repeating all the parts of it, especially the part that said I didn't want drugs.
That you can rip any bloody monitor they put on you off if you don't want it on.
It REALLY doesn't hurt - I was expecting some pain, but seriously nothing. Then again, they'd managed to give me a spinal before DS actually came out, but I was pushing prior to any pain relief.

I wish I had known that I didn't need an obstetrician for my pregnancy and birth.

I wish i'd put the really important-to-us bits of the birth plan, like PLEASE DON"T CUT THE CORD on a sign and stuck it on the wall - my labour was so fast the midwife didn't have time to read it. She was there longer AFTER the birth than before it (was at home).

I also wish i hadn't read so much about the "stages of labour". My first stage was mainly prelabour, my 2nd stage i didn't know about until she was crowning. I wanted to push BEFORE transition, and i was seriously holding her on my tummy wondering when the pushing stage would begin.

I wish something could have given me a glimpse of the awe, joy, pride and love i felt when i held my baby. I wish i'd had some of that knowledge during the painful bits to carry me on and let me know how worth it it is to stay in tune with your body and try to avoid the drugs (i used gas and air, which was great for me because 2 breaths and i was normal again, no wearing-off time). I wish i had known more fully the feeling i would have, in the days and weeks following the birth, that i had made a transition inside, to WOMAN, that i am a powerful sexual creature who can bring foth life. I had heard about it, but it defies description. I went into labour a girl, i came out a lioness.

Bx

I wish I had followed my heart and organised a homebirth.
I wish I had trusted my body's ability to birth and my ability to cope without drugs.
I wish I had had a doula - someone who believed in me and what I could do.
I wish I had read more.

C

I wish I had known that hot showers and warm baths offer fantastic pain relief! I have heard this recommended by SO many women from their labour experiences, and I will definitely be trying it next time. I would have been unable to last time anyway, due to being hooked up to the drip... But boy I'm sure it would have been amazing...

I wish I had known that if your waters break and contractions do not begin, that you do not have to be induced within 24 hours... If this happens for me next time, I will be waiting as long as possible before letting them induce me with that dreaded syntocin again!

I wish I had thought to have another support person in there with me... as my DP was nowhere near as supportive as I needed, for a variety of reasons.

I wish I had known:

* more about birth. Inductions, pressures from the hospitals... Basically that I had read "The Thinking Womens Guide to a Better Birth" by Henci Goer, "Silent Knife" and "Active Birth"....
* more about newborns... that I started reading "Wonder Weeks" and reading the baby buddies groups of the first few months
* more about following my instincts. Both my babies were born around 42 weeks. Matilda was induced at 16 days post EDD, awful traumatic birth. Jovie was born 41 + 4 days spontaneous labour, fantastic birth.
* gone to an ABA pre-birth breastfeeding meeting
* trusted my instincts...did I say that ;)

*hugs* goodluck!!!

I wish I had informed myself as much as I have now before I had ds about birth, choices, why I didn't need an ob, my rights in hospital and not just assumed I wouldn't be taken advantage of by the people who are supposed to be trained in delivering babies. I would have trusted my body, and only used the hospital for an emergency.

I wish I had known that my DD's birth could be the complete opposite of what my birth plan was, but it was still the most incredible, amazing experience I'll ever have. So, birth plans are great, but if it doesn't go to the plan, then who cares provided you and your baby are both safe.

I wish I had've prepared myself physically more. Next time round I will be a bit more active during pregnancy in order to prepare myself to be more physically fit for labour.
All the best, Gracie! It is truly an amazing experience :)

thanks so much for all your responses ladies- what a great read it's been for me- lots of info to take in. i'll just address a few of the things mentioned...but i appreciate EVERYTHING and everyone who has responded. thank you..
-i love the idea of the special bunny rug- i'm preparing that now
-the remain calm and enjoy idea is definitely going to be one of my thoughts/affirmations
-being more assertive in my plan-this is one way i have def changed in the last month
-focus on the end result (the baby) and the love and joy of that- is something i'll try to keep in mind to get me through
-the info about stretch & sweep- very good to know thank you
-i've put a bid on a copy of New Active Birth on ebay and will keep eyes open for Wonder Weeks
- thank you for your kind words Mel R- i hope you're right!!
- i am hanging on to the thought that i will feel better if i don't have an epidural, to try to get me through it. i now see this as a last resort only
- listen to my body/instincts/stay in tune with your body seem to be ongoing themes that i need to be conscious of-trusting my ability to cope without drugs
-and i've learned a lot about induction over the last couple of days so thank you all for that- for empowering m in that regard
-oh and i'll try to be nice to dp (try!!!)
thank you all for your help and time xoxo

Just in case you want some more, here are mine!

I wish that I was as prepared for the baby to come early as I was for it to come late. All pregnancy I had been psyching myself up not to get worried when my due date came and went - was expecting baby to come a week or more after her due date, and to my surprise she was 10 days early.

I wish I had trusted my instincts and knowledge that my waters breaking WERE actually my waters breaking and not anything else like the midwife at the hospital tried to convince me. Not that it really mattered anyway.

I wish that I had not got so excited or anxious (even though I was trying to temper my mood) when my waters broke - I didn't realise it would be so long until contractions began (30 hours later) and that it would be another 24 hours after that by the time I would be holding my baby. You seriously need all the rest you can get at that time.

I wish that I had known the little contractions were little contractions and just slept through them.

I wish I hadn't got DH timing each contraction so early on. It seemed like forever (well it was 13 hours!!) before they got close enough to go into hospital for. Just leave the timing until you start feeling uncomfortable with how often they are happening, and trust that you really know when it's getting to be time!

In some ways I wish that I hadn't told my parents we were going into hospital, but I think I still would tell them- they'd only ring to find out anyway. But I do wish that I had told them to wait it out until WE contacted them. I have only just found out that they rang the hospital more than once- I knew that they rang at one stage, as I was moving between the birth centre and the labour ward just before getting an epidural - the lady said that my dad was on the phone and I distinctly remember telling them to tell him to **** off. I mean, what did they think- that I had had the baby and wasn't telling them about it, or that I had died and nobody let them know??!! Honestly, there was nothing they could have done except to wait to hear the news. I know I was taking my time, but them ringing wasn't going to make it come any quicker.

I wish that I hadn't assumed that my body was made to give birth to babies. That because my mum had four babies with no problems and no drugs that I would be the same. That because I am able to control everything else in my life, I could control my labour and that it was all mind over matter! No matter what they say, birth is extremely physical - mind over matter works for the contractions- they are definitely bearable, especially with showers and baths, etc. But there is no escaping the physical part when things aren't going as smoothly as they should.

I wish that I had more thoroughly practiced the information in the Pink Kit, instead of laughing at the funny New Zealand and American accents! I wish that I could have convinced DH to help me take the videos more seriously and to help be my birth partner. I didn't know when watching the videos how much I would need some of the techniques and got lazy and didn't practice. I knew the general gist of it, which helped with my positions in labour, but when in the midst of it you need someone there to remind you what to do as your mind goes a bit blank. I'm not sure that this is something I could get right next time and would consider the use of a doula to do the reminding for me.

I wish that I had known that having a baby who has been in the perfect position in your belly for weeks before labour, doesn't mean she is going to stay that way. The first hint was when I got into the bath (yes it is WONDERFUL pain relief) and I could feel intense pain in the front of my pelvis, where my baby's head was hitting the bone with each contraction. The second reason I knew she wasn't headed in the right direction was when I could feel her feet kicking into my ribs on the totally opposite side of my body to where she had been laying- I just knew she shouldn't be so high up. It turned out that she was posterior and coming in to my pelvis at a very strange angle. If I had known that this would happen after the weeks of feeling content that she was doing the right thing and would continue to do so in labour, I wouldn't have been so smug about not fully researching the positions to help her get into a better position.

I wish I had known that no matter how much pregnancy yoga and pregnancy chiropractic therapy I got, no one was going to decide how my baby was positioned, apart from her!

I wish I hadn't felt so defeated when I had to accept to having an epidural, in the hope that this might relax me enough to allow me to fully dilate while she was pushing into my pelvic bone. But at least I knew that my midwife wouldn't offer this option unless we were getting nowhere.

I wish that I wasn't so exhausted when it came to trying to push. I wish that I had told them that although the epidural had worn off, I was losing it and wasn't timing my pushing with the contractions as well as I could have, but I was just too exhausted by this point.

I wish that I had've researched more about having a ceasarean- not that I regret it or that anything untoward happened in there, I guess I just didn't know the things I should have requested or things like how long it would take for them to stitch me up before we could relax together as a family.

I wish that I didn't feel regret for the labour I had. I was really comfortable with it all in the days follwing my baby's birth, as I knew that I did everything I could have at the time to get her out naturally, or at least vaginally. But now as the weeks go on I am second guessing myself and going over what I could have done differently.

I am so sorry for the length of this post - I think I should have put this in the birth debriefing section - it certainly has at least helped me get a lot of this off of my chest- hope some of it helps you!

That breastfeeding does not come naturally for everyone.
I have always thought that I would be one of those mum's that breastfeeds for the first 12 months or so of my babies life, but after express feeding Tayah for the last 4 weeks and still having her reject my breast now, I realise that this is prob not going to be an option for us.
Reasons being that she has a tongue tie and struggles to attach and pull the nipple into her mouth. Also because she was jaundiced in hosp and only allowed off the light bed long enough to give her a quick attempt at the breast before been givin expressed breast milk in a bottle, which she has now gotten use to.
Looking back now I wish I had of insisted that she be allowed a longer attempt at the breast before being given the bottle.

I have only had one labour but the biggest bit advice I could offer would be to move move move move.. I had a text book labour (according to mw) but it went on for 18 hours. I am sure if I just got off the bed and walked it might have been shorter.. and to remember yes it hurts but not to be afraid of it. in my opinion it hurts more to kick your toe :lol: well not really but kicking your toe is a sudden pain and labour slowly builds up kwim?

Just relax as much as possible and don't tense up

With the first born I was induced cause i was meant to be having a small baby, but i was also induced cause of pre-eclampsia etc. He was born spot on 6lb. With my 2nd I was also induced due to a small baby (not other complications for needing to be born), but he was born at 6lb 7oz, so I wish I had more power to stand up to the doctors and let my pregnancy progress as it should have. My 3rd was born early again but a natural labour

So if i knew then what I know now, I would have said no to the 2nd induction at least.

Love

thanks for your contributions ladies...so much to take in..i love this site, i've learned so much on here. it's awesome to be able to hear from people who have had real experiences..

I just had a look at the video of my third birth. I got all teary.

I wish I'd had a doula. I felt like I wanted to crawl into the screen and be my own doula. I would've drawn the curtains and dimmed the lights for that birthing woman that was me. I would have turned on the heater. Turned on the music. Modelled soft, quiet voices to all in the room. Encouraged the birthing woman that she was doing great by listening to her body and tuning out the demanding midwife.

I would have reminded the midwife that according to her birth plan, that she did not want Directed Pushing. That she did not want the baby suctioned as soon as the head was out. That she did not want the cord cut so soon. That there was no need to hurry to deliver the placenta, but that cuddling with the baby was more important, since blood loss was normal and she wanted a physiological third stage. I would have asked the person answering their mobile phone to please take it outside. I would have stopped the midwife from prompting the overwhelmed mother, still coming to grips with the fact that she'd just had a baby after avoiding pressure to transport for a caesarian, to sing 'happy birthday' but just let the mother react and respond to the moment in her own way and in her own time.

I would've helped her maintain the skin-to-skin that she so desperately wanted. I would've reminded the midwives that the mother wanted all routine exams delayed until much later or the next day, and that undisturbed skin-to-skin was much more important.

I would have added warm blankets over the mother and baby, and brought her a cup of tea, kept the music going and the atmosphere soothing, and explained to all present, "this bonding time is very important, so we all need to be very quiet now".

I would have prepared her herbal bath, and when she was ready, helped her to bathe with her baby and then helped them get comfortable in bed (or wherever they wanted).

One thing I learned. Just because a midwife is willing to attend a homebirth does not mean that she is a fan of homebirth or undestands the principles of undisturbed, instinctive birth. In future, I would choose a midwife who really loves homebirth and really likes me and believes in me. I needed more than cool, clinical care. I need warmth and nurture and kindness. So next time, I'd choose more carefully and interview a few different midwives.

Another thing I would do totally differently if I had the chance, would be to totally demand-feed my babies and not worry a bit about stoopid routines, but trust my instinct and my baby's cues; and I would feed a lot more so that my milk supply would not wane.

Hmmm. Just like Star, this has been a bit of a de-brief.

Great thread, Gracie!

I wish I'd known what a doula was, and had one
I wish I'd known about midwife only antenatal care. I'm glad I ended up with a midwife only birth in the end :)
I wish I'd known I could refuse an induction when I was told 'if you go later than 13 days, you must want to put your babies life at risk'
I wish I'd had a private midwife, or someone experienced in a natural third stage present at the birth of my son.
I wish I'd been told there was a bath at the hospital earlier than midway through active labour, I'd have gotten in on arrival.

I thought I was all ready for the birth, then my friend had her bub 1 week before I was due. She had a horrific time, long prelabour, vacuum, epi etc. She said to me "Be open to everything, even if you don't want it".

I knew that I wanted as natural labour as possible but ended up being induced for as doc thought I had IUGR. During labour I was offered drugs. Even though I knew I didn't want them, I asked the midwife to tell me about it, so I was open to all options. Truthfully, I don't remember the midwife even talking about the positives and negatives as I was thinking positive thoughts:dance:, trusted my body and pushed through the pain.

I also didn't go into the hospital with a birth plan. I was comfortable with my doc, met the midwives and loved the hospitals ACTIVE BIRTH philosophy. I wouldn't change anything about my experience and hope that my next birth will be spontaineous.

Good luck

The love you feel. It is absolutely indescribable. Even if your plan doesn't go to plan, if your little one arrives healthy, enjoy as much time in the labour room as you can push the midwives to let you.

My DD has just turned 9 weeks old and I still cry (happy cry) most days about the feelings of love I have towards her. Even though things will be challenging after your bub is born, focus on the feelings of LOVE you have for this amazing person you have created with your partner.

What do I know now that I wish I knew then...?

Labour doesn't always go by the book - my first baby came after 6 hours of hard labour, and 1 hour of pushing. Not the 20+ hours that I was expecting! I also didn't tear, though I'm told about 90% of first time mums do.

Water is WONDERFUL!!!

Transition can/will be overwhelming. But you'll be OK.

Some women speak about the amazing joy of holding their baby, and the excitement of finding out what it is. I honestly was just so glad to be done and have her OUT! I didn't really care, at that point, what she was. :redface: But if you feel that way too, it doesn't mean you'll be a bad mum, or not love your baby. I love her to bits, and her sister just as much. :)

I didn't have a doula - didn't want anyone but DH, but in hindsight, that would have been a good idea. My nurses were wonderful - they kept me moving around, and were encouraging, but not in my face, but I think a doula might have been helpful through transition, especially.

Keep moving! Walk as long as you can. Stand, rock, get in a shower or bath, sit upright, but don't lie on your back!

It's really going to hurt. At least, for me it did. I'd never felt anything like that pain. But I think fear/panic complicated that. The second time around was MUCH better. Slow breathing actually does help. Think about waves. They wash over you, surround and cover you, and then wash away again. Remember that - they WILL wash away again. It isn't going to last forever. You CAN do it.

If it helps you to know - I'm not afraid of labour anymore. I was somewhat consumed with the idea of labour with my first baby, but after she was born, and when I had my second, I was not afraid. I knew I could do it, and I would be OK. With this baby too, I am looking forward to labour, actually, and going to try to have this one at home.

Read as much as you can. Inform yourself about the pro's and con's of your different options, and make your own decison. (ie. epidural, episiotomy, internal exams - I never minded them, I liked to hear about my progress, but others hate them!, artificial rupture of membranes, augmentation of labour, constant monitoring, being induced if overdue, etc. Read, discuss with your doctor, and get a feel for what he/she thinks, and decide for yourself.)

All the best!

i haven't read all the responses so not sure if this is already covered... but one of the things i wish i had of known was, how much i DIDN'T feel like visitors.... pre labour i wanted as many visitors as possible and was actually worried about not having many (having recently moved to a new area).... then once bubs had arrived the thought of visitors COMPLETELY overwhelmed me and reduced me to tears on so many occassions, but i didn't have the confidence to tell people not to come.

oh but next time i will be so strict!! visitors on the first day only, then not until im at home and feeling well!