What have I done wrong? (long post, sorry)

My beautiful DD is 5 months old and her sleeping is at its worst. She has never been that great at settling/sleeping... There has been the odd week where she has miraculously slept through the night from 10pm - 6 or 7am in her cot, but that feels like so long ago now.

If I try to settle her in her cot of an evening, she gets so upset and cries and cries until eventually I take her to bed with me, however when I take her to bed with me it isnt as simple as lying down next to her, I have to nurse her and rock her until she sleeps, and sometimes have to hold her all night, if she stirs I rub her back until she goes back to sleep. I don't mind so much her sleeping with me, but the problem is what do I do with her between say 7pm and 9pm, when I want to be either having my dinner, or taking a shower, or just having some down time.... She just will not settle on her own. I don't understand it. I just feel terrible trying to persevere with getting her to sleep, as every night she cries and then I end up giving in and going to bed with her. I don't want to put her through that every night. I do not want to let her cry, but at the same time I can't go to bed at 7pm either.

Her day sleeps are rotten at the moment too. I have read so many books and nothing seems to help.

All the other babies in my mothers group are sleeping through the night in their own beds and taking regular long naps during the day. I just don't understand what I have done wrong and why she has suddenly regressed to not wanting to sleep at all unless I am holding her. I know there are plenty of people out there that probably have worse problems with their babies than this, but it is just getting me down that I seem to be the only one I know of, everyone else I know has had mild temprament'd babies that have slept. People keep saying it gets easier, but it only seems to be getting worse/harder.

I get comments from people implying that she has me wrapped around her little finger and to just let her cry, that she will learn. These people don't seem to realise that not all babies are wired the same way, and some babies have higher needs and need more attention from mum than others.

I have hurt my back from carrying and rocking her, and she won't have a bar of the sling, unless I am standing and sort of holding her, so it defeats the purpose.

I am sorry this is so long, I just feel like people think I don't know what I am doing and that I am doing something wrong, and now I guess I am staring to believe it too.

:hug:
I don't really have the time for a long reply right now but I really wanted to let you know that you haven't done anything wrong!! Nothing at all - you're letting your little baby know that you love her and that you're right there for her when she needs you.
I know how difficult this can be because Yasin went through a long stage like this. I contemplated doing CC but my attempt lasted about 5 minutes before I decided that it just wasn't right for me. Now Yasin is nearly 3 and he self settles at night and seldom wakes us in the night. If he does wake us it's because he's genuinley uncomfortable (like last night the big glass of juice he had after dinner soaked through his nappy).
As for the comments - the same people who told me how great CC was and how thier children slept through have all had to eat thier words. I think that nearly all babies go through at least one patch of unsettled sleep. There's no point in being smug and congratulating yourself when your baby is sleeping well because the day will probably come when they won't sleep so well. Conversley when your bubs is going through an unsettled patch there's no need to beat yourself up over it - it's not your fault.

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I don't really have the time for a long reply right now

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ditto, but maybe she is particularly distressed ATM for some reason - have you ruled out teething or ear ache (they can be teething even though there is no sign of a tooth erruption.
I really don't think 5 mo's do things maliciously (14mo's well that is a different story ;)), which is what people are implying when they say she has you wrapped around her finger, so ignore that cr@p. Hope someone else can give you some tips (hugs)

Is she tired at 7pm - Baby Love and other books say to put them to bed at 7, but there's no way DS will go to sleep at that time and he's been like that for ages. For me keeping him up is easier than trying to make him go to sleep.

As for mums group, take everything with a grain of salt and try (I know its difficult) not to compare. Babies are all different and all have different needs. I love my mums group but I don't have exactly the same parenting style or choices as any of them.

I don't have a real solution, 'cause DS feeds to sleep at 8:30and gets put into the cot and wakes and comes to our bed at 10.

Im so sorry you are having such a rough time of it. I personally wouldnt be listening to anyone saying she is wrapping you around her little finger, shes a baby for goodness sake, and a very young one. I tend to block out anyone saying how well their babies sleep too...its never been helpful to me. Ive always breastfed and had them wake every few hours while doing so..and have questioned why so many people seem to base their level of baby 'goodness' on how they sleep. I find it particularly distressing that it can be setting up parents (especially first time ones) to feel exactly as you are now. After making sure that she isnt upset for as Auorora has already mentioned, could you look at settling baby with you and then leaving her in the room. I always found Sammy settled really well if i leave him in our bed. We put the cot sidecar style onto our bed so during the night I could move him over if I needed to. Of course its not practical for you to be going to bed at 7 but will she stay sleeping if you leave her once she is asleep? Alternatively can your DH try to settle her?

I wish you all the best...you have certainly done nothing wrong. Our little ones dont come with handbooks so we just have to listen to our instincts and do the best we can

Jo

Hi Emma,

Sorry to hear your having a few difficulties getting your precious little girl to sleep at the moment.And you certainly haven't done anything wrong so get that idea out of your head sweetie...babies done come with a manual it's a matter of trial and error here, your not alone we have all been through this at some stage just some are worse then others.
Can i ask you one question...Do you wrap your daughter? If not maybe you could try this and see how she goes. I have always wrapped my two boys and they have been brilliant sleepers ( well until it comes to teething,then it's a completely different story) the wrapping tends to make bubs feel a whole lot more secure and because they're wrapped they can't throw their arms about like they can if they aren't wrapped.

Just a suggestion it might be worth trying for a few nights and see if there is any improvement. Goodluck with it all i hope you see some improvements soon.

Yes westy, I was thinking that too. I wasn't wrapping Daniel and he slept REALLY badly. Now - even though he is six months old - I wrap him firmly and it's like a little signal to say "time to sleep". He wakes up if his arms are out because he's always donging himself on the head. He's a magic sleeper with the wrapping - a terrible one without it.

Daniel cries while I'm wrapping him, but I'm the mummy and what I say goes....... I've been around for 31 years and kind of know a thing or two like - you may think you're not tired, but I know you are, so stop arguing kiddo. As soon as I've wrapped him I stick the dummy in his gob and he shuts his little red eyes and falls asleep. Mum reckons I wrap him up so that he looks like you could shoot him out of a cannon.

do you wrap her emma? If so, scratch that suggestion.

Hi Emma,

I dont have any answers but just wanted to say that I know what you're going through. DS is 7.5 months old and doing the exact same thing - he just screams from about 5-9pm and eventually goes to sleep from BF. Nothing has worked for us. He has never slept through and his day sleeps are shocking - only 20 mins in 12 hours.
I'm too am at my wits end.
Anyway hugs to you. I just wanted you to know that a) you are NOT a bad mummy and b) you are definitely not alone.

Hi Emma.

You are doing absolutely nothing wrong, you are reassuring your girl you are there for her and that will, in time, mean she sleeps more soundly later. My DS still isn't sleeping, we had an awful night last night because upstairs woke him up slamming doors so he was just screaming for a lot of the night (prob. woke upstairs up too... good!).

I'd say stick with the sling - even if you have to hug her in it, it does save your back a lot.

Have you tried skin-to-skin? That no longer helps DS but is supposed to be good. You can do that in a sling too.

I just want to throw my support out to you too, like everyone else here....

You have done NOTHING wrong - as some of my wise friends have told me - you do what you have to do to get through the day....

It sounds tough at the moment and I really feel for you.

You may not have the head space for more books, or you may have already read this one... but I found Gethin/MacGregor's book called "Helping your baby to sleep - why gentle methods work best" (available through Finch publishing) really good.....

It didn't provide me with any magic solutions; it is quite theoretical but what it did do for us, is give us the mental and emotional strength to keep going through the tough times and give us the reassurance that what we were doing (rocking, walking the corridor for hours, BF to sleep etc.....) was the right thing.

Sending you and DD lots of hugs and good sleeping vibes....

Hi Emma,
Just on the mums group issue - I've been in the same position. DD was the only one in mums group who wasn't sleeping through at least most of the night. As Dach said, everything changes. She now settles herself and sleeps for 1-2.5 hours twice a day. She decided when she was ready to do this, and her pattern changed all by herself. (Night sleep was another issue ;) ) They are all struggling to get their babies to sleep for longer than one 40min cycle during the day. (So its my turn to be the lucky one atm.) Don't let anyone (even book-authors) tell you they know all the answers - they don't. You and your baby have to slog away and work at it together.
I know that's not practical advice, but just wanted to encourage you that a) you're not alone and b) no matter how smug people are about knowing how to 'get' babies to sleep, don't feel put off by them because they're just full of it anyway.
Hoping things get better for you soon.

thanks guys.... i guess i need to just block out the unhelpful comments and amazement at me holding my girl while she sleeps or taking her to bed with me and kicking DP out..... i think when u are exhausted how and where they sleep becomes completely unimportant, as long as everyone is getting a decent night's sleep.

i feel really really terrible right now, as out of desperation i let her cry (I HAD to have a shower, i needed some me time).... anyways she would have cried hysterically for about 10 minutes and she had REAL tears coming down, and when i picked her up she vomited.... i just feel so so guilty... whenever i get desperate i seem to think this will be the time that after five minutes she will magically fall asleep, and all it does is upset me and make me feel terrible for putting her through yet another one of my attempts at something i know doesn't work. i need to write a reminder to myself and put it next to her cot....

last night i cuddled her to sleep, and lay on the couch with her and watched a movie while she slept in my arms... it was lovely... then gave her a feed then took her straight to sleep with me in bed cuddled in my arms.... not a single cry.... i know its not ideal and it means i never ever get a moment by myself, but surely this is better than having her cry each night?? i don't know why i am having a hard time with this. I know what it is i want to do, i want to cuddle her and lay on the couch with her while she sleeps and put my feet up, then take her off to bed with me.... why don't i just do this and give up on the idea of her sleeping by herself in her cot? i really hate what other people say though. i am so think skinned.

it helps to know that i am not alone... the mothers group thing really gets to me... its not that they are bragging, they really aren't... its just the fact that out of everyone i am having so much trouble.

Firstly I would like to say, you are a wonderful mother. If you didnt care so much it wouldnt bother you.

Next and I dont know if this is practicle in your house, will she sleep in a cot if she is in your room or next to your bed, or vice versa you on a bed next to her cot. I know for a while DS slept in our bed, then progressed to next to our bed because he couldnt sleep without hearing our little noises as well he obviously needed to hear the sound of us breathing and sleeping, as he got a little older he then started getting moved away from our bed to the end of the bed, then to as far away from our bed as our room would allow, slowly we moved him towards his own room. As I said though this depends on your situation not everyone has the space.

And as to how you get her to sleep, I'm sorry at the end of the day as long as she gets to sleep what does it matter, its not like you will be rocking her to sleep when she 13, go with what you need to do to get by today.

Take care of yourself, you cant look after others if you dont care for yourself.

Yes, Emma, I totally hear you. You feel like you're the only one *really* struggling with sleep and everyone else's sleep problems pale in comparison. I do understand - I've been there. But it *will* get better. Next month you and your DD may have developed a really lovely peaceful sleep ritual that you're both happy with and find that everyone else is struggling... It is good that they're not bragging about it - at least you know that if and when they have problems they'll talk about it with you and you can share your wisdom with them when they need it :)
So glad you had a good night last night. I understand your frustration at yourself on persevering with something you're unhappy doing. The reality is there is so much pressure on new parents! You can't escape, so all you can do is try to look after yourself as best you can (get sleep when you can, get reassurance where you can - here is the perfect place!) and then things seem more bearable. I must admit I am still swamped with guilt sometimes for 'doing things wrong' with my baby, particularly if I'm having a bad day or feeling really tired, often when I haven't had my baby-free time during the day. But those feelings are fewer and further between nowadays, thankfully. Sorry, I have waffled. Take care.

Emma,
I know where you are coming from - Rylee will be a year old in 10 days time - she still hasn't slept through the night, she still needs me to walk her around on my shoulder before she will go to sleep - day and night...if I put her in her cot awake no matter how tired she is she will just scream her head off. I have also been at the end of my tether and let her cry for 10 mins while I have some me-time before I go insane and she has vomited and then I have had the 'mummy-guilts' badly and vow never to do it again. Every week I shed a few tears at the frustration of it all and I had a woman the other day say to me accusingly "oh so you still havn't taught her to go sleep' which made me feel bad. I am sorry I don't have any helpful answers for you but you aren't alone, do what you feel best to get through this time, they are only little for such a short time and looking back on this period in her life will seem like blink of an eye when she is a little bit older - or so people tell me. The book that KymH suggested "Helping your baby to sleep - why gentle methods work best" is really good, I agree with her it doesn't provide the magic answers but gives you bit of understanding as to why bubs behave the way they do. I am also going to try and get my hands on the book that Kelly suggested "The science of parenting" I know there is no magic cure for this but it's always good to have other peoples persective on things.
You know even though your little girl isn't the best sleeper in the world she is probably fantastic at other things! They can't be good at everything hey?? Just do what you have to so you both get some sleep and ignore all the people in your life who aren't being helpful or supportive to you, you don't need those bad vibes or stress in your life at the mo!!! Hugs to you!!
Laurin :)

5 months is a really tough age, it's when a wonder week hits and the baby is going through so much developmentally at the moment. Her brain is working overtime, getting ready to get her body active and moving, ready to crawl and sit. It's a tough time... I agree with the books, get The Science of Parenting, The Wonder Weeks, any of the sleep books already mentioned - they are all good. It's hard to get the time, I know, but it will help you so much that it will make it worth it. Even if you only read a chapter a day/ couple of days... you will get enough gems in there. Good luck hon, follow your heart.

Absolutely doing nothing wrong, you are doing what comes naturally and that is the best thing that you can do but I completely understand you frustration. My DD who is also 5mth old has always been hard to settle and these are some things we are trying.

fIrstly I know you said you have read heaps of books but have you read the No cry sleep solution. We are working our way through it at the moment - used it for DS too.

Secondly - we have been spending lots of time on getting daytime sleps sorted as better daytime sleeps = better night time sleeps
- nice calm environment before bed
-we made her bed time ealier - we were going to bed at 7:30-8pm now at 6-6:30pm
-we wrap occasionaly but sometimes it makes it worse as she gets frustrated
-temperature (too hot/too cold)
-massage
-as another poster said is there any colic/wind/teething etc
- we considered getting a hammock but her sleeping has gotten better recently so haven't resrted to that yet
-settling on tummy

not sure if any of this is of help but hopefully both of us can sort it out and get a decent nights sleep.

Hi Emma,
I'm coming into this a bit late, sorry.
What kind of sling have you been using? If know people who have different types of slings, it might be useful to borrow them for a while to see how she goes with each one. With the HAB and Ergo, DS felt held all the time, even though my hands were free to do other things.
He has always gone to bed later than other babies, as well, because he just wouldn't have a bar of going to bed earlier than 9pm...if he does, then we've just set him up to wake at about 11, feeling all refreshed for play! As a result, he sleeps in later, too.
Back when he was your DD's age, he would stay asleep for some time after I'd gotten out of bed, so I would do in that time everything that I couldn't do while he was awake. Epilate legs, shower, do my hair, have breakfast etc. My list of those things dwindled as he got more mobile. Brekky, epilate, do hair, cos he could then crawl on the shower floor with me when he got up. Later, he could crawl around while I ate brekky and do a bit of self-entertainment for short spurts. It was all about working around his patterns. There are times I don't get 'me time', and that's fine. That said, though, I'm one of those people who just let go of 'me time' and it's not as important to me as it is to others. I get my opportunities, but they don't have to be everyday. I roll with those punches.
I, too, get all sorts of raised eyebrows (only the uninitiated every suggest I do something more 'mainstream'!) about our co-sleeping, full term breastfeeding intentions, cloth nappy use, late bed time, babywearing etc. In the end, he's MY child and that's that.
It could be useful when they say "I wouldn't do that..."to think to yourself, about these other people, "well, that's fine, because you don't have to, she's not your child". Even with MCHN's, the best they can do is tell you what they would do with their child. They don't know your child as intimately as you do, no-one does, so you don't need to worry about what they think when it is based on such a narrow scope of exposure to your relationship.
Trust yourself, trust your child :)
I also never subscribed to the idea that children are manipulators. If their needs are not met, as infants they cry. As older children, if needs aren't met, they'll find a way to get them met, even if it means doing something we perceive as sneaky. If you're meeting their needs and listening to them, they don't need to resort to sneakiness. But, at 5 months, there is no way they have a concept of 'getting their own way', in the way we think of it, because at that age, they are very much still self-focussed (for basic survival!) and have no idea that you have needs of your own...it just doesn't come into the equation. You are mummy, you make the world go round. It's a pretty special realisation.
Put it this way, with your babies, if you do something that doesn't sit right, it ISN'T right. Why would you continually do something that breaks both of your hearts? CC might 'work' for other parents, but if you feel it's not for you, that is completely ok. CC is not scientific (therefore, not the bees knees that everyone talks about!), and if you're going to lend weight to science, then the opposite method of meeting your child's needs is what is supported by science and research :)
You and DD gotta walk to the beat of your own drum, and you're doing fine!

Hi Emma

I know exactly how you feel and I send you sympathetic thoughts . . . there were days when I felt like my brain and body were going to burst open with the frustration and despair. Kai is 14mths old now, and only slept through last week for the first time, so I share your pain. I remember that he was especially bad at around 6 months - waking every hour and HAD to have boobie to go back to sleep and HAD to be in my bed. As other wise women before me have said, remember "this too shall pass". Grit your teeth, you are doing the right thing for your little girl and you WILL survive! And when you've come through the other side, you will be so pleased with yourself that you didn't resort to anything you didn't really want to do. And that will strengthen you for your future challenges.

Don't listen to your mothers' group . . . by choosing gentle methods, we are choosing the harder road. But in the long run it will be the more rewarding path. I bet almost every mum whose baby is sleeping well has done CC in some form or another - out of 13 mums in our group only 2 of us have never done CC in any shape - and our 2 bubs are the worst sleepers! CC is popular because it is makes parents' lives easier - but it's not about us, is it?

Reading gentle parenting books and coming on to this site made me feel more 'normal' - that I wasn't a freak for not wanting to CC!! And that Kai wasn't the only non-sleeping baby in the world! Once I accepted that he was never going to sleep for more than 20mins during the day, I found it so much easier - I just let it go and stopped fretting about it and trying things to get him to sleep more. He still doesn't sleep much during the day.

In terms of practical advice, I found my evenings improved out of sight once I started bfing to sleep (admitedly when he was much younger) and then laying him down in his bassinet, next to our bed (if your DD isn't rolling yet, you could put her on your bed, where your smell might comfort her), I knew I'd be back again in an hour to do it again, but it gave me a gap to eat, and he slowly improved.

One last thing - I get really irritated with people who tell you that your baby has you wrapped around their little finger . . . of COURSE you are - that's EXACTLY where you SHOULD be!! We're designed that way . . . and nature knows best.

This has also been a long post, and probably not very useful, but I hope I've added to the other voices telling you you're not doing anything wrong, you're doing it all RIGHT, it's hard but you're doing well and keep it up.

Regards

Hi Emma
Can only add to the love comin' in from everyone.. you poor thing.. it's a horrible time but as all the others say, you should back yourself and your own instinct. You've probably heard this a billion times before, but I reckon the best way to happy babydom is routine, routine, routine. No matter what else happens in the day, we do:
bath at 6.30,
breastfeed (now bottle) in a dim room,
good burp (v. important cos our baby is windy!),
story
lights off and little rock in the rocking chair with lullabies playing
into his cot leaving lullabies on.
If he is unsettled, we don't pick him up, we stand by the cot and shhh with gentle patting. Or sit him up and pat his back which generally gets the wind out. He knows we are there and so the cot isn't a scary place.. don't know if this helps.
Good luck, you are doing fabulously, and remember all the mums in your group are probably lying!
Bid

Hey Emma,

I have five kids and all of them have been gentally parented.. I love my little kids so very much.. my youngest is 8 mths old atm and we have just come out of a patch that you describe. He would not go to bed on his own and as long as he was with me (or his dad) he was happy.. It made it really hard to get the dishes done and other stuff but we worked around it for the babies sake.. I really dont believe in letting a baby under 1 cry pretty much for any reason. All of my kids have gone into their own bed when i needed them to with a little persuasion.

You carried your baby with you for 9mths and now you have to carry with your arms. I dont think there is any difference. ;)

as to doing anything wrong.. your not. your doing what works for you and you need to realise that is right.

I really believe that you cant spoil a baby under 1. they need all the love they can get.. :D

Hi Emma,

I think maybe we should start a mothers group for our babies. I too feel like I'm the only one with a bub who doesn't sleep through (past 6am in the morning).

My 4 months old has just gone bonkers, waking up crying few times at night and only booby will settle (mostly every hour or two). I have not had any sleep since Tue last week.

Hi Emma,
I wanted to tell you it DOES get better. Then worse .Then Better. And so on. It's such a learning curve and you're doing a great job. As for what works, well I can only say what worked for us. Like Bid, we found DD responded really well to a night time routine that included a bath, bottle, cuddle and story, then bed. We found wrapping made a big difference, and we'd stand beside the bassinette gently patting but making no eye contact until dd was settled, then stand there till she was asleep. If she cried, we picked her up and comforted her then started again. The first few times this seemed to take up to 1 hour, then 40min, 30 min etc, and after a couple of weeks she was self settling really well. Oh yeah, we always put her to bed awake. Kinda dopey, but still awake, so she wouldnt go to sleep and get a fright when we were'nt there anymore.

thanks for your support guys.... i got rid of the dummy a while ago and must admit this has really helped..... but it is so true, it gets better, then worse, then terrible, then better and so on..... i think i've just realised its never really going to be structured and stable and routine because she is constantly changing and growing and developing... and she is such a little individual she is never going to be a predictable baby and i love her for her unique-ness and keeping me on my toes.... she is at present sleeping hence my positive perspective for a change!!