2 or 3

I'm really struggling to make a choice about this at the moment.
For a while I was planning to wait until Imran was 4 or 5 before making any choices but now I'm sure that I don't want 4 and I'm worried that if I leave it too long that number 3 will be the odd one out.
On the other hand I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't cope with 3 right now.
Part of me would love a little girl but another part of me thinks that I wouldn't have a clue how to raise a daughter.
As much as I loved my boys as new borns I think I prefer them older - I like being able to leave them with DH while I go out for a while and I'm not sure I want to go back to all the new-born stuff.
I would love to hear people's thoughts on the topic especially if you have 3 children or decided against 3 children.

Dach I am not sure if you saw the thread I started on how people chose the number of children they would like - that might help you? I wouldl ike 3 close together in age but I am lately wondering whether I could cope with 3 littlies.....
I will be interested to see what other ladies have to say.

Oooh...I am currently thinking along the same lines and would love to hear people's thoughts! I haven't even birthed #2 yet, but am already wondering if we should have a third and if so, should we have it sooner rather than later.

Dach,I'll be honest, and admit that this is still a really tough one for me to answer.

As you know, Lexie was an ooopsie baby.

Before I had her, I only ever wanted 2. I felt totally complete at 2.

But now that I have her, I love her more than life itself and wouldn't be without her.

BUT, here's the thing: I STILL only think that 2 is the "right" amount for us. (You can only imagine how guilty that makes me feel!). Sometimes when she is napping and I am playing with Olivia and Charlie, I nearly "forget" about her......how awful is that?!

Maybe its the age thing. They are all very close in age, but Olivia and Charlie play together (ie in the garden, at the park.....their activities are the same. Whereas Lexie is still a baby girl who sits on her bottom, so doesn't get involved, IYKWIM? Maybe this is why I find it "inconvenient"?? (Maybe I just need to get over myself and be patient until Lexie "catches up" IYKWIM?!

I love having 3, and I love watching them together, and I have an immense love for each of them, but on a practical level (me being a control freak!) I find 3 littlies is a shocker....cars, nappies, strollers etc and all that performance! Just an example.....but poor Lexie is missing out on swimming as Charlie and Olivia need a parent each in the pool........so Lexie misses out...(only for the timebeing, obviously, but it still bothers me......)

Anyway, I am not being much help am I?

Either way babe, maybe this gives you something to chew on? (And I hope I have not come across as heartless about my little Lexie!)

Oh Chloe, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have just gone through the exact same thing. (I am using the past tense because I think I have made a decision I am comfortable with, just have to hope the hormones don't try to change my mind!). We had planned to have 2 and DH was getting snipped once no 2 was born. But a day after Tom's birth, I felt like I needed another baby. So I didn't let DH get snipped and we took some time to think it over. My reasoning has been the same as yours except that I am already 37 so no 3 would have to be soon.

Finally, after much debating and proing and conning, we have both decided to stick to 2. Our main reasons are - I don't think I could manage 3 atm - 2 close together is a lot of work, especially if they are sick, teething etc and need more attention than usual
-I think with 3 close together, at least one of them is going to miss out a lot of the time.
- The stress that it would put on me, DH and our marriage would not be worth the joys of having a beautiful little newborn and would ultimately hurt the kids we already have and love
- With my age we don't have the option of waiting much longer - personal choice though
- DH and I were both one of 3 kids and always felt like one missed out from parents, and from each other, at each age 2 would be friends and 1 wouldn't
- I am just starting to enjoy Thomas getting older and being a bit less dependent. I'm not sure I want to go back to having a dependent one again (not so soon again).
- I think the only reason I wanted another was bcos newborns are so beautfiul and cuddly - and they grow out of that pretty quickly, especially mine!
- Like you, I had thought maybe a girl would be nice - but then we would have girl issues as well as boy issues, and the odds are it would be another boy anyway.
- What's to say I would be happy with 3, maybe then I would long for 4

So there you have it. We are going to remain a family of four (I'm pretty sure LOL) and I think for us it is definitely the right decision. I HTH you somewhat. Good luck with your decision.

Hi everyone,

We have two girls almost 18 months apart and are looking forward to the prospect of another baby, hopefully a boy next time around. I'm wondering about how to look after a boy, I've found the girls fairly easy to care for.

I have a few friends who have three children and they all say that with having three children there is always one that is missing out on something because they pair up and they wish that they had gone on to have number four to even things out. That said, whenever I have observed the relationships of my friends children they all get along very well.

I have always wanted three or four children, mostly I think because I was raised an only child and my mother waited until I was one month shy of 21 before giving me a brother.

I understand the newborn reluctance especially with a couple of older children as mine no longer have regular naptimes, meaning I wouldn't be able to catch up on lost sleep from nighttime feedings. Lost sleep = grumpy mummy

And, no Lucy you haven't come across as heartless. I'm sure there are many people out there like you who feel this way but are too concerned about what other people may think of them if they knew the truth.

Curl

Dach,

I have always said that the jump from 2 children to 3 children was the biggest culture shock for me. It was a big adjustment, and the logistics of it was something I wasn't prepared for, and I think Lucy covered those quite nicely. Two parents for 2 children just works, and then number 3 comes long and it's like everyone has to learn new rules to the same game. It was probably the most difficult of transitions. That's my own feeling on it.

From DS2's POV, I do think he was the odd one out, to be honest, and as he was 2 and a 1/2 years younger than DS1 and the two older kids were only 19 months apart, they very much left him out for most of his life.

In the long run that hasn't turned out to be a bad thing as now that DS2's 13, he's independant, has his own mind, is not a follower and is an all round good boy, but I do think the exclusion he felt in his childhood, while strengthening his character, was probably something I wouldn't wish on anyone, and it broke my heart on many occasions. Of course this doesn't happen in every family, though.

But I do understand worrying about your biological clock if you're wanting 4. It's not an easy decision and I reckon I probably didn't help one bit but thought I'd give you some perspective to chew on.

We are onto #2 now and most def will be a 3rd. We would like a large family (4-6 kids)...but will ask myself the same question after the 3rd bubby comes along. All our kids will be close in age no matter what (lol... look at 1 and 2....pg 6 weeks after Chelsea was born). I think this comes from the fact theres 10.5 years betwen my sis and me... and theres a 3 yr gap between DH and his bro... and to us thats too big of a gap.

I guess it depends on finance, housing, car...alot of issues to consider.

I have an extra issue. XP and i broke up so my next kid will be a half-sibling to DD and we will be a step-family. I really want more children, not least because i adore my DP and making him a father would be a privilege and a joy, but also because i am the youngest of 6 (also a step family, 4 half-siblings) and an only child seems bizarre to me.

BUT i am worried about how Esme will cope. Will she feel like an "outsider" because her siblings daddy lives with them and hers never did (unless she can remember being 3 months old)? If i have more than one child with DP (i'd happily have 2 and possibly even more) will she feel "out-numbered" by the "new" ones? I know to an extent these things can be countered by how DP, XP and I all behave within our extended family, but equally it still worries me.

On the other hand XP and I are good mates and DP and XP get on ok, so DP and i could have 2 and there'd still be a "parent each" for all 3 kids if need be.

I think if i was going to have 3 and i already had 2 i'd have the next one without too much of a longer gap than was between the first 2, kwim? Only because as Lucy says, when there's 2 together they can play together but unless you want 4 waiting a long time between 2 and 3 might mean #3's a bit out there on their own. Obviously Esme was a oops baby too and if you get blessed with one of those you just have to assume the baby themself knew the best time to sneak in.

Bx

Hi Dach,
Interesting thread. I have one DD with one on the way. I have always only wanted 2 until now. I want 5+! My reasoning is I want my daughters later in life to have siblings they can turn to. A family they can rely on just in case Im not here for them. Im a loner in my family and its hard I don’t want them to experience that emptiness. Im prepared to have as many (within reason) as my body can give to me before Im too old. Does that sound silly?
K

Thanks for all your replies they've been a great help.

Lucy, you didn't come across at all heartless. I know how much you love little Lexie and after reading your post I can see some advantages to a bigger gap than I could before.

Niass, thanks for the vote of confidence re having a little girl. Your comment about older women wishing for more did make me think that it would be better to take my chance than to regret what I didn't do iykwim.

Now that I've read everyone's answers I'm much more comfortable with just postponing the desicion for a while. I was kind of panicing that if I didn't start TTC soon that it would be too late and the gap would be too big but now I'm thinking that maybe it's ok to have a bigger gap so I can wait a while and then decide what's right for us.
DH isn't much help - he's happy with 2 but he would be happy with 3 too....

Hoobley, i'm with you in the fact that DD is almost 6 and I'm not with her dad, havent been since she was 15 months. I've been with DP now for almost 2 years and i'm scared that having another one would be hard when DP is 'dad' to one and not to DD. They get along great and he is really good to her, but its still in my mind.
Secondly, if anything happened between DP and I it would mean me having 2 kids to 2 dads and not being with any of them which I wouldn't like at all.
As much as I'd like to believe in happily ever after there are no guarnatees and that scares me. All I've known really is doing it alone and I'd be scared to be in a place where I was doing it alone with 2 kids, although I know many many people do and do a wonderful job of it.

I would love 3, but I'm going to have my big gap between 1 and 2. Just because you're siblings doesn't mean that you're friends or that you even want to be in the same county, let alone house.

Dach, I'm sure you'll be great with a girl. You seem like a great person and a great mummy, I'm sure having a girl will enable you to be a great mummy to a girl.

Lucy, I adore DS and when he's asleep forget about him too! I can be out for a walk and look down and wonder why I have a pushchair with a sleeping bub in it!

Dee i'm lucky in that i've already been with DP a year (we don't live together yet) and the last few months he has been spending a little time with esme (an hour once a fortnight or so, not much, but enough for them to get to know one another - she loves him and he loves her, no worries so far) so hopefully we'll be having kids before Esme is in school, but i guess you never know...

I guess we have to choose one way or another - at the moment i'm thinking, ok, i don't want to hurt DD, but it's more important to me that she grows up in a bigger family and has all that can offer - my half-sister and I are really close and i don't want her to miss that! There's 16 years between us 2 so a big age gap can work just as well i suppose. BUT goodness knows if i'll be thinking this way when it comes time to ttc with DP!

Bx

I am OK with odd numbers......I am one of 5 and no middle child syndrome in our family. DH is one of 3, and no middle child syndrome there either.

Charlie is our "middle child". LOL. There is no way never he will ever suffer!

Isn't it funny how OUR childhood experiences affect our perceptions and wants for the future?!

Bec and Dee

My siblings and I are halves.......we all have the same Dad. My Dad was married to his first wife, had 3
children, then sadly his first wife died. He then met and married my Mum, and they went on to have me and my younger brother. So my elder brothers and sister are "halves". For me, it was an amazing childhood, as I had ready made heros! There is a nine year gap. I adore my elder siblings, & as a family we have never differentiated at all between "full" or "half" IYKWIM?

It worked so well for us, I kind of sometimes feel regretful that I don't have age and time on my side to give another few children the opportunity....but if I waited 9 years, I am practically drawing the pension, LOL! But it worked brilliantly in my family......not sure if that reasurres? xx

It does, thanks Lucy - you know, you are my secret parenting mentor. It was the toothbrushing advice that did it - bloody genius! ;)

I'm a half sibling and it never seemed odd to me, but of course DD's point of view she would be like my sister, though we've had a lovely heart to heart this evening and i don't think she'd have it any other way. I really do think any difficulties from having a step-family are outweighed by having more siblings and a larger family. For all my childhood wasn't perfect there was a lot of love around with 6 kids (there's 22 years between the oldest and the youngest). The main difference is that their dad was nowhere to be seen whereas XP is very much her father and involved daily with her life.

Bx

I am the middle child & have idea what the syndrome is that I should be suffering from..? So I dont think odd numbers are bad!

Chloe having just had our 3rd, yep it's been a bit of a change, but one I cherish...

Also Maddy is to my XP, whom has no contact with us at all, I have been with DH since she was 2yrs old & they are close as can be & there's no difference between her relationship with DH or his with Indah & Zyon..

I also had the shock of having 2 girls & knowing what/how to look after the & then a boy was thrown in to the mix & it's been a learning curve, but again I'm loving it totally...

So 2 or 3 boy or girl... you will know when the time comes!

I would have to say that so far, I am loving having all 3 of my boys close. While my 3yo and 1yo are very demanding, they always were, so I don't really feel like things have got worse there iykwim.

We were only ever going to have 2 kids, then after DS2 felt that I needed another ( just not so soon) Now after having DS3, I am still feeling that I have not finished, just not sure if it will be 1 more or 2 more.

I was going to wait till these 3 are all at school, but I am thinking that even if the first 2 were at school then I would be right, so maybe 3 years. I want them still to be relatively close in age incase we decide that 4 is it for me.

Both DH and I are from families of 4, so the large family is normal for us as well.

i have been having the same dilemma only im trying to decide between 1 or 2. have decided to wait til Archie is 3 and decide then, that means that if we do have another one there will be a big gap but i know i wont be the kind of mother i want to be if i have a closer gap, i wont cope that well.

i am the same re newborns, they are magical creatures but i like them older so much more casue of the freedom probably - oh, and the sleep!

good luck with your decsion, i know it is an extremely difficult emotion one, whatever your decsion it will be the right decsion for your family.

This is also something I have thought alot about latley, I only ever wanted 2 kids, but DH is one of 3 and said he always wanted 3. However, now that we are expecting no 2 I think that it might be it for us, there are several things that weigh on the decision, 1- we would have to buy a bigger house, 2- a bigger car, 3- I love my career and I would like to one day get back to full time teaching, but not untill my kids are much older, which wold be further away if I had 3, things like travel also play a part in our thinking, we would love to be able to take our kids travelling the world and just the extra cost of 1 more child might make this too hard.

Having said that things might change, and I never say never. I guess we wont truly know until we have had DS and see what life is like after that.

DH and I are squabbling about it at the moment (like right now - hence my 'mood' lol).
He's gone from willing sperm donor to saying he only wants 2 :( He thinks I won't cope and that we'll miss out on things like travel & holidays etc.
Also I mainly want one more roll of the dice because I want a daughter but he doesn't want one and he doesn't fancy the odds.
I don't want to TTC until Imran is at least 2 so lots of time to make up my mind yet.
I'm just sick of hearing "and you want another one?" every time one of the boys makes a mess or chucks a tanty.

As much as I would love another baby, I think two will be the limit for us.

I couldn't manage a third child until Toby is at least 3 or 4. This will put me in my very late 30's for another pregnancy. I've had a couple of health issues in the pregnancies I've had that will only be exacerbated by being older so it will make things a bit harder.

Financially three would be a stretch - bigger car, bigger house, all that jazz. But I don't generally let finances rule my decision making when it comes to matters of the heart and soul like this ;)

I'm probably more influenced by the fact that my family unit was the same as what my kids have - there was me and my brother - and we are extremely close. I hope for same for my kids, but the way they fight already is a bit of a worry!

Ultimately I think two is enough for us at the moment and by the time they're old enough that I would consider going again, I doubt I'll want to go back to all the newborn sleepless nights etc. Perhaps if we'd started a bit earlier it might be different, I don't know.

I'm rambling here lol.

Flea, how old do you mean by late thirties (if you don't mind me asking)? I was originally thinking of waiting until Imran is in school which would make me about 37 when/if number 3 arrives but I'm not sure if I want to be looking after a toddler when I'm 40. Also like I said in the first post maybe the gap would be too big - if it was a girl she would have 2 big brothers and be my little princess but a boy might resent being so much younger (a girl might too lol). I just seem to keep going in circles but TBH I think that DH will end up making my mind up for me. I know I could get up the duff easily enough but I don't want to try for another if he's not willing. I'd be ****ed off if I had parenthood forced upon me so it wouldn't be fair to do it to him.

Flea, I think two will be it for us too. Chloe, I also feel that I

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want one more roll of the dice because I want a daughter

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but I too am

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just sick of hearing "and you want another one?" every time one of the boys makes a mess or chucks a tanty.

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Could our DH's be twins?

Just in the last week or so, Thomas has started seeming more like a youngest child than a middle child to me. This is hard to explain, but I think I always pictured him as having a younger brother or sister. But now, I can finally picture our family as complete. I still have pangs about having no daughters, but I think I can be at peace with leaving our family at its current size. I haven't told DH yet, let him stew on it for a while longer ;)

Chole, I was 36 when Tom was born (but it was only 2 weeks before my birthday), so I would also be in my very late 30s having another one. This has definitely played a part in our decision making. If I was younger, I think we would definitely be having another one.

Chloe I'd be getting pregnant again at 37 if we were to wait until Toby is 4 - the thought of a toddler at 39/40 with two older kids as well just makes me get grey hairs thinking about it :lol:

Hi there ,
I can relate to this dilemma as I've been in it myself. Before we had kids I wanted 4 children close together. I had my first baby and she had really bad oesophageal reflux. She screamed for hours on end, didn't sleep and had terrible tantrums. I thought then I only wanted one child....and even then most days I didn't even want that!!!! Anyway, about 5 years later we went back for child number 2 so have quite a gap between them. We had another DD and they both get on so well with each other. It was such a good decision to make, however number 2 was not much better than number one as a baby. She screamed alot had silent reflux, wouldn't sleep and wouldn't let me put her down. She was a shocker.

Then when number 2 was about 3 years old I had a number of older people saying to me how they regretted having more children when they could have. They said at the time they felt they couldn't have coped but when they became middle aged and older they wished they had just bitten the bullet and had more kids. This made my mind up for me. We tried for 4 months to conceive child number 3, another DD, and we are so stoked with her. Her older siblings absolutely adore her and as we have such big gaps the children all get on and there is no rivalry. Whether or not this will change as number 3 gets older I'm not sure. I now want 4 children as this last baby has been a dream child. My husband says a definate no. I've actually started a new thread about 3 vs 4 children. I would love people to visit it and comment on it.

As far as the gender of the children goes and the gaps you have between them, children are really adaptable and let's face it, this will be the only life they will ever know so they have to cope with it!!!

I really wish I had that "I'm finished now" feeling.....how do you get that. And I kind of agree with the whole even numbers thing. Unfortunately my husband doesn't.

Anyway, enough rambling.....it's so nice to know a lot of people go through these dilemmas and come out the other end having made a decision in their own way.

Catcha, MW.

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Chloe I'd be getting pregnant again at 37 if we were to wait until Toby is 4 - the thought of a toddler at 39/40 with two older kids as well just makes me get grey hairs thinking about it :lol:

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I have to admit that I am 40 and have 3 kids with VERY big age gaps and I LOVE it!! I am so glad I had my 3rd, he keeps me sane when I am putting up with teenage angst!! He plays well with DD2 and adores his biggest sister, there is no 2 vs 1 ganging up cause they are so far apart in age. Yes I know they may not be as close as siblings close in age ATM but my DH and his sister are 13 months apart and don't speak and my brother and I are 4 yrs apart and are really close friends.
I think every family is different and you have to do whats best for you but I am loving 3!