When is enough..enough?

I'm feeling so frustrated, sad and tired. Tired of having my heart broken. Tired of putting my body through IVF only to mc again. When do you know it's time to give up? When is enough...enough? Or have you kept going and been blessed with a precious baby after all the heartbreak and loss? I would love to hear from anyone who's travelled this road and found themselves in this position...I think I have to have one last go and try the new protocol of steroids, antibiotics and asprin...but really...is it enough already? Thanks for you thoughts xxx

Ellie,

I haven't had the losses you have, so I hope you don't mind me replying. We tried naturally for 4 years prior to IVF, and in all that time, never once fell pg. Then we started IVF full of hope, as you do when you first start, and when cycle after cycle didn't work, my DH and I began to ask those same questions. When is enough, enough?

For us, the line in the sand was getting obvious. We had decided on a two more cycles, in order to exhaust all available treatments. We were talking about life without a child, making plans for a future without IVF and a baby. We were starting to mentally and emotionally move on. I don't know, to be honest, whether I would have been completely ready to give up had the next two cycles been unsuccessful, but I could feel in my heart that the time to move on was getting closer.

There is a great article on our main site: IVF- When is enough, enough that helped me at the time. Please have a read, it may clear your mind on some of the issues that are bothering you.

Thank you so much for your replies.

Sushee...the article is exactly where we're at...stuck...thanks for taking the time to point me in the right direction...hasn't been the best of mornings. I think we're close to the end and that in itself is scary...I'm emotionally disengaging from the whole thing and resenting the financial burdon and feeling like our life is on hold...I'm sick of going to the clinic and phoning for stupid blood results...and the thought of another EPU isn't doing much for me either. Oh my goodness...I've just realised it's the 4th September...5 years today since we did your first cycle!@?! That's creepy...maybe enough is enough?

ellie, i can't relate to you or understand at all what you're going through, so i hope you're not offended at all by me posting here. i just wanted to give you a hug and say it broke my heart just reading your post. the girls are right when they say that only you know when enough is enough. it must be very hard for you and dh.

Ellie,

it does sound like you are hitting a wall, and I can relate to that. I think that you are close to making a decision, but remember too that the door doesn't have to be closed forever. If you want to talk about it some more, don't hesitate to email me, my sweet, on sushee@bellybelly.com.au

even though my circumstances aren't quite the same I wanted to give up many times but then I look in the lounge and htink if I gave up I wouldn't have this incredible little boy who is my world

I had a ectopic in Oct 02 (natural) lost our little girl Katy Rose @ 21 weeks 23/9/03 (natural) to anencephaly had 2 m/c in Mar and Nov 05 (clomid to conceive) I wanted to give up after every single one but something made me keep going and when I look at him today I think the heartache was worth it it has made me a stronger more content mother who appreciates every single second I have with Jack

as I said my journey is very different from yours but had I given up Jack would not be withme today

best of luck :hugs:

Ellie, a couple of ideas that have come to mind as I read this - bear in mind I am not terribly familiar with your history apart from what I've learnt over the past few months:

1. Do the upcoming cycle as suggested by your FS, incorporating the new treatments. Reassess following that.

2. Perhaps seek a second or third opinion. Obviously the hurdle of fertilisation is no problem for you both, but getting them to stick is proving to be difficult. Fresh brains may provide fresh clues.

3. Having been told that DW and I can't do a FET immediately (like now) made us evaluate the pros and cons of waiting. We figured that although it may not feel like it now, doing cycle after cycle back to back could potentially be very harmful mentally as there is no 'switch off' time. Given that AC problems are traumatic, I would think that this would have a very negative snowballing effect mentally, particularly with regard to back-to-back cycles. I know we (DW and I) are rookies at IVF I realise that this potential issue would be magnified for you and DH.

4. Being mid 30s, you have the time and the ability to take a year out from everything and see how you manage as a child free couple. Maybe do things you haven't done before using the money you would ordinarily be spending on fertility treatments. Go overseas, go sky diving, go away for weekends by the beach or learn to play the piano (I don't know, but you get my drift!). Give it a year of no baby stuff whatsoever and reassess. If the desire is still strongly there, start again with a fresh mind and fresh body. If you both don't think you can do it, or you've adjusted to child free life then maybe you will stop.

Either way, after 8 years, a break at some point is more a necessity than a luxury. It may feel like the only answer is to press on and on time after time but with a view to the longer term, this may not be the right decision. I imagine that mentally and physically, it would be difficult to maintain a pregnancy at the present time after the difficulties you've faced. A significant period of time with the switch locked to off may assist you both if and when it's time to start again.

I hope this makes sense, and I hope I haven't said anything out of order.

Hi Ellie & All
I have been lurking here for awhile reading about all of your up's & down's, however, Ellie your question really struck a chord with me.
My hubby & I married believing we would not have children due to heart problems & my not being able to carry a child through (ie, fertility issues hadn't even crossed our minds), after 3 years of being told this by my cardiologist, we were then told to go for it & all would be well. After trying naturally for 8 months (again, me non-existent cycle), we contacted a FS and have been through numerous OI cycles & have just been through our first IVF cycle. None of which were successful with only one OI cycle reaching transfer stage, again unsuccessful.
I know this is nothing compared to where you are at, however back in January when we first saw the FS, hubby & I set a time frame to try AC. This was 12 months (ie deadline Xmas 07). While this probably seems selfish & all very timed, we needed to do this so that we were comfortable that we had set a time frame and could proceed with our lives after this, whether successful or not.
This first IVF cycle has been extremely hard for me (emotionally more than physically) and at the moment we are on a forced break till November (I finally feel a bit like myself again!), however even now I am unsure if I will go through with another cycle.

Rols - I am so sorry that your & DW's first cycle wasn't successful. I do hope it works next time round.

To everyone else - hello, I hope to catch up more soon.

Sorry for the long story, I hope this helps Ellie.
Peta

...and I just read this, don't know if it helps:

"A cause for miscarriage can be found in up to two thirds of cases where three miscarriages have occurred previously. About half of these couples are able to have a successful pregnancy after suitable treatment."

Ellie,
Eliza was my last effort with IVF as I didn't have it in me anymore.Although our losses are different ( I was lucky enough to not endure early loss). I found by foccusing on the fact that IVF was working and needing to find out why the miscarriages were occuring...giving my body a slight rest and pursueing those answers through someone who dealt with re-current miscarriages. You may already pursued this maybe a second opinion or treatment option may be an option.
Good luck sweets, I hope your losses in someway can guide the specialist to find a way to help you carry a healthy bub.
Bec

I really don't know how to express how thankful I am to everyone for your thoughtful posts.

I recognised I was close to melt down this morning so went to my GP...thought I should get the gastro checked anyway...and I think through our chat I've worked out what has triggered this melt down.

We've been 'plodding' along for years ..yes we've had a 'few' second opinions and all with the same recommendations for treatment so we have stuck with our clinic...but after this last mc something changed...suddenly my FS is all 'action stations'...my HcG levels dropped on Monday and we were sitting in his office first thing Thursday for a review appointment..normally you wait at least a month for an appointment...he came in early just to see us which is nice...it's like they've just realised I'm 36 in November...and I think they've freaked me out a bit and made me reflect on what we have been through in the past 8 years. We have taken breaks in the past...mainly due to finances and trying to balance TTC and life...sometimes a girl just 'needs' a new car...a nice piece of furniture...or two...IYKWIM!!!!

So where to from here? Don't know...but I feel like we're standing at a cross road...hearing of your successes renews my hope...and I guess that's what's kept us going this long...the ...'what if the next cycle is the cycle'....we always said our cut off was 40...that we'd take an amazing overseas holiday for our 40th's and that would be closure...yet here I am at 35 and tired already...I feel like a failure...but that's today.

Sorry ...Caro...yes...had a second opinion there and they agreed with FS and due to the fact I live so far out of Perth that using Joondalup made more sense.

Yeah...it takes me close to 40 mins to get into Joondalup anyway...all the other clinics would be at least an hour and a half...and in peak hour...no thanks!

Ellie,

Firstly I am so sorry to hear about your losses. Life is pretty unfair huh :(

I cant really offer any advice, I fell pregnant with Nicholas while on the pill (well I mucked it up accidentally but you know) and then when we lost him we assumed we would have no trouble getting pregnant. We have "idiopathic infertility" according to our FS which as you probably know means really they dont have a clue. We have just started our 1st cycle of IVF this month, I am so nervous I just dont know what to expect. I started OCP last Thursday and start Synarel on 15th Sept.

Basically, I just wanted to give you a big :hug: and say that I hope you can find the strength to go on. It is amazing how much strength we can actually find within ourselves when we need to. Over the last 12 months I have found, just when I think I am at the end of my rope and cant take anymore pain and heartache, I manage to find a little more strength to go on. I hope you can do the same, and I so hope you get that beautiful little bubba very soon.

Love Mel :)

Ellie,

Sorry to hear that you had a rough day...but I can totally relate to the "when enough is enough" part...had a bit depressing time myself this past Sunday dwelling on "how we could be celeberating Father's Day too"...

After trying for 4 years now (natually and been through 1 stim IVF cycle), DH and I had a good talk and decided that we will stop trying if this hasn't happened by the end of 2008. We also feel that during the past 4 years, life has been on hold and everything seems to be planned around TTC...if life is meant to be without kids, we'd better be used to the idea and start seeing positive side of that lifestyle too...ie. lots of overseas trips and get used to be accused 'filthy rich' by your counterpart.

I feel lighter after making the decision although with a bit sadness but I know I will be ok and I know there are lots of miracles could happen within this period of time...

Well, this might work out differently for you Ellie as everyone is different. I know I am type of person who needs a plan regardless (although knowing too well of 'things never goes to plan"), maybe this time Mophy's law will work in favour of mines...let's hope that's the case...

I hope whichever way you choose to deal with it, it will evolve a positive result and who knows this cycle you are about to go through may well be the ONE that completes your dream!

Thanks BeiBei
This will be out last full stim cycle. If we are lucky to get some snowbubs we will keep going...but enough is enough...I'm tired and my body needs a break from either being on fertility drugs or being pregnant!

Ellie

I am so sorry to hear of the pain you have been through. I know how hard it is to decide when you have had enough of getting your heartbroken, of being scared to go to the toilet for fear of misscarriage or spotting. We are lucky enough to have conceived a beautiful little boy who we adore more than anything, he is 2 and 1/2 years old and we have been trying to have another baby for 18 months now, and in that time I have had a miscarriage at 5 weeks and 2 pregnancies with Anencephaly in August 06 and Feb 07, these were both lost at 12 weeks. We are now thinking about trying again and I have just found out that I am actually pregnant (only 5 weeks) but today started bleeding again.... I am so sick of this and really tired of trying to have another baby. I want another child more than anything, but I don't think I can keep going through this. I am thinking now that we should just be greatful for what we have and just stop trying. It is such a hard decision to make and I don't think you can ever fully shut the door, but it is very difficult to keep going too and having your heart broken into a million pieces each time.

I wish you all the luck in the world and I will be praying for you lots.

Take care
Love Deb
xx

Hi Everyone
Just wanted to say a big thanks to everyone for your support while I was at 'rock bottom'. I am feeling a million percent better and we are going ahead with our next ICSI cycle as planned. We have decided to revisit the 'when is enough...enough?' discussion at the end of this cycle...that in itself has taken a heap of pressure off...oh....and the other thing we decided...to keep trying the old fashioned way lol...you know...just for fun !!!

Ellie, I am so happy for you that you and DH have come to this decision. I am :pray: that this cycle is the one for you. For what its worth, I will be with you all the way :hug:

Mel :)

Ellie,
I have been lurking and scared to post much because you all seem so much more together than I am and, frankly, what can I add? I am still reeling from my loss this summer. But your post struck a strong chord in my heart. I want you to know although I have not gone through anything close to what you have endured, I have moments of complete dispair and thoughts that seem too bitter to even be me. (the other day, I found myself thinking "if I were a druggie hooker like her, I would have 4 kids and never know the pain of loving a baby I cant hold") I can't imagine seeing you as any kind of failure. There seems to be a lot of women in here who have faith in you... none of us can tell you when enough is enough but I would be willing to bet the farm (i'm from texas.. sorry) that when you're running low on some perspective of how amazing you are.. you can borrow some from the women in here who care so much about you.

Many Blessings,
Cece

Cece...thank you...and you are so right...the friends we have in BB are amazing and I don't know where I'd be without you all xxx

Well...I couldn't do it. Came to day 21 for blood test to start the synarel and I just couldn't do it. Had a melt down and DH agreed he wasn't ready either. So we have cancelled our ICSI cycle. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. We are taking time out to look at where we're heading in life generally...it's been nearly 9 years of TTC now and we have put so much on hold. It's time to breathe again and live. What that looks like yet...we don't know...but it's exciting to be moving forward. We are considering moving as this house...a fresh start...in a new town even...I can't believe the change in both of us since making this decision..we're laughing and excited about life again...still missing our babies...but starting to move on to the reality of a life without children. Thank God for our beautiful furkids...someone to love unconditionally...

:hugs: Ellie maybe you do need a break to reconnect, you never know without the pressure and stress of TTC God may bless you with a natural miracle

Ellie... I don't have much to say, or anything really, that will help... just some gentle :hugs: and sending some hope that you will find the way you need to go. I wish this could have worked for you. :hugs: