Mum wants to be birth partner

Hello everyone,
I write this not because I really need advice, but just to hear how others have coped with unwanted birth partners. My mum and I have a strained relationship, where it has a certain equilibrium that means I am the strong one, and she is allowed to be the weaker one, you know, crying on my shoulder, asking for advice and support, etc. I am always encouraging, motivating, and consoling her.

I am having my sister and husband as birth support partners, but mum has dropped many hints that she will be there as well. She has pretty much said "no one can make me leave".

The thing is, I love her and don't want to hurt her feelings, but I just feel so uncomfortable when I think about being in such a vulnerable state in front of her. I can't help but think that when I should be concentrating on labouring, I will be worried about what she is thinking, whether she is ok and comfortable, etc.

I can't talk to her about it as she will not understand and feel rejected. She is a bit of a "me" person, so will focus mainly on her own feelings of disappointment, not my feelings.

At this stage I am trying to make it so that it seems as if the hospital has a 2 person only rule, so she will have to wait outside. I just don't want to have to be the one to enforce it if she stays in there. I have spoken to my sis about being strong with her and telling the midwives to ask mum to leave if she is still there in the later stage, but I still get a stab of guilt when I think of my poor mum getting kicked out!

Gee, it is hard enough being a daughter, let alone motherhood!

Thanks for listening :)

It's a tough situation... I can understand u not wanting to hurt her feelings but labour is a very personal thing and it should be your decision about who u want there at the time.
I've had 2 friends ask to come in with me but i turned down one of them (she couldn't be here anyway she lives 7 hrs away!) and the other is about 2hrs away and i haven't really said yes or no..
I know this probably doesn't help! But hopefully things will work out in the end, best wishes!!

The article ~ Saying 'No' to Unwanted Birth Support People ~ might give you some ideas ;)

Good luck!

Not sure if I have any advise that will help, but I only wanted DH at the birth let mum know. I have a good relationship with my mum, thought she understood, rang her when my water broke so she would know we where going to the hospital. She turned up at he hospital nurse told me and my husband said to show her in. I honestly didn't even notice she was there, she just sat quietly in the room and was beside the bed when I started pushing. Think she thought my DH would be thoughless and not be there for me when I need him, just from some conversations we have had since.

Don't stress about it is a time for you and baby.

Hi

I too am having my sister and DH as birth partners.
I didnt think of my Mum at all - we have a good relationship, but i would just feel really uncomfortable about her being there...
She didnt ask, but when we were talking one day she reminded me that my best friend had be mum there as her support.
I did feel awful, but i also figured that this is something that i am doing and seeing as i am planning other aspects of the birth, i should also have the right to decide who is there or not.
I had a bit of a chat with her and explained that i didnt really feel comfortable with her being there, but of course i want her waiting in the wings and as soon as i delivered i want her there... I was worried about diuscussing this with her, but she took it really well saying that it was something that was really personal and special and that she was fine with that.

It is really tough, but maybe the best way is to have a chat with her and explain that it is that you would feel uncomfortable in that situation - i know that you dont really want advice so ignore me if you like!

Goodluck

Hello ladies,
Thanks for the replies. When I say I didn't want advice, I really meant I know what to do, but just can't do it, does that makes sense? SammieJane, your advice is great, just talk to mum and tell her what I think. You are completely right, but it is so hard with my mum because she will be hurt and will drop little comments (probably for the rest of my life, LOL).

I need to be strong enough to say "no" to her and give her the space to deal with it herself. Charly's mum - you are right, I should be thinking about me, DH and bub, not mum's feelings.

I think I will read that post Sarah and have a chat with mum on the weekend. Mummynelly - it would be good to have a ready-made excuse in case you don't want them there! For them it is a lovely novelty, meanwhile for you it is deeply personal, a bit embarrassing, life changing and painful event that can have a profound impact on the rest of your life.

*sigh* I guess honesty is the best policy. It is great to hear your points of view, thankyou.

I am lucky and have agreat realtionship with my Mum but our rules are besides Hospital staff that the only ones present at the birth are the ones present at the conception!

I could not imagine having even my Mum or best friend there at such a private and intense time.

I hope you can explain it to your Mum and she will understand what an important time it is for you.

hi there, your poor thing - your mum sounds like she is being a bit selfish. your baby's arrival is about you, your partner and your baby and whoever else you want to share it with. i can understand how you feel about not wanting her to see you like that. i had my mum for the birth of my first child because he came 5 weeks early and my husband was overseas. looking back now i am a bit embarrassed that she was in there and that my mother in law was waiting pretty much outside the door to the room the whole time. not ideal! anyway, i know how hard it is to be the one saying "well actually i would prefer if you werent there" but maybe its better if your sister or the midwives do it as you suggested so the pressure is not on you.

best wishes

beccas

My mum came to the first birth and that was the last... I kid you not, I could have killed her, she just ruined it and pi$$ed me off so much.. Everytime a contraction came and I was moaning, she would pace and ask the nurses to give me something to make the pain go away... I reckon your idea on telling her that it is only two people allowed is a goer. If she turns up, make sure you have informed the Midwives beforehand that you don't want her in the room. Or better still, do what I did the next time around, called her just after bubs was born..she got over it....

My only advice would be that it will be easier to tell her BEFORE the labor than during it :)

Best of luck

If the situation gets desperate, you can always just avoid telling her you're in labour... Just call your sister and don't call your mum until the baby arrives... (I know, it's terrible advice - perfect way to destroy your relationship with your mother!! but at least you wouldn't have to worry about her showing up...)

GL - I hope some suggestions people have given work for you and you can make her understand.

yes i agree.. i couldn't imagine having anyone else there besides dh... its such a private thing for us.. and i know for a fact that my mum would just annoy the crap out of me..

we have told everyone that we won't be calling anyone until baby is actually born.. we don't want the added pressure of having people pacing the hallways outside our room while i'm trying to birth our baby..

my best friend from Brisbane was so demanding she just said she will be there no matter what.. she doesn't care if we dont' want her there.. etc etc... so i told her too that its too difficult to tell when i will be in labour and we will call her when its all over... she will get over it.. as will everyone else...

too bad if they dont' get over it because this is our baby and we want our privacy..

I have come up with a plan! I will discuss it with mum this weekend. I will tell her that she has 2 options. She can either #1 get a lift with my sister to my place upon hearing the news that we are in labour. There she will be comfortable, have plenty to eat, and be able to sleep if it is the early hours of the morning. She will have access to the phone, and our home is only 10 minutes from the hospital, so as soon as we are ready, we can call her and get her a taxi to the hospital (mum doesn't drive). That way she will be comfortable, have entertainment on the TV and be relaxed and able to sleep, rather than waiting in the waiting room all by herself.

#2 she can just wait at her home until the bub is born then I can organise a lift for her to the hospital.

At least she will feel considered and appreciated and close by, without me having to worry about her in the hospital waiting room all alone for what could be hours on end!

Sounds like a plan, now...all I have to do is tell her!

:D

Thanks for all your replies, they really helped me get my head around this issue that has been bothering me for a while *hugs*

Best of luck let us know how she takes the news! I have my fingers crossed for you :)

Hi Dragonbub,

Wow what a position you are in atm. Your plan sounds good. Could you "use" your DH as a excuse? As in tell your Mum that your DH has requested the least amount of ppl as possible in the room.

I know how you feel. My mum is a very needy type and all situations become about her. YOu don't need this whilst labouring, you need to focus on delivering your bub. These types of mum's are so good at making you feel guilty. My only advice is to put yourself first this time around, stay strong. Your mum may not forget your decision but she will fall in love with your bub when she meets him/her.

Oh, dear! Be prepared for her not to take that well.
My mum wasn't at the birth and will forever hold it against me. She is also a very 'me' person, to the point where myself and a psychologist friend of mine believe she has a personality disorder, and everything is about her and how it affects her. I think she has realised since mid-pg that the birth was going to mark my breaking free of her 'grip' on me. She is still not dealing with it well and things come out all the time that I can directly link to her not being able to control me and guilt me into pandering to her emotions. Her emotions are not my responsibility, so long as I don't do anything with the intent of hurting her. She doens't get that, probably never will, and I had a fantastic birth, just the way I wanted it, without her there. Nothing will ever take away DS's almost perfect birth, not even the fact that she flipped and wouldn't see us for a week and a half afterwards.
You sound like you are a strong person, and whilst it might hurt should she also 'flip' the way my mum did, you will prioritise your own family and not bother with walking on her eggshells after the birth :) My mum hates that I don't care about her emotional booby traps, her eggshells, her baits...hates it. It will be a long time before she accepts that!
Enough about me (!!), you are not alone with the difficult mother saga. What the others have said is true - the most important thing (despite what your mother might have you believe) is you, your baby and your DH. This is the one time that it is most definitely about YOU and whatever you feel comfortable with. The hard part is to shut out the guilt, but you WILL do it when push comes to shove (pardon the pun!), so :hug: and best wishes!

Yeah just be strong... what does your DH think about the idea of your mum being in the room?
I know my dh would not be too pleased as your mum had her turn when she had you, now it is just a special time for the both of you.
My mum Im sure would of loved to be asked but I told her outright, no way mum! But she is adament about being called in the middle of the night when Im heading to the hospital along with my MIL. She did say that is the whole excitment of it all and that she will wait for hours if she has too. I dont mind her waiting, although I did tell her it could take hours. I think they just like to know their baby is ok.
I wouldnt worry about it too much, mothers are great for putting the guilt trip on us from time to time, but I dont let mine go too far, I just nip it in the bud before she gets carried away. She respects my decision and agrees we need to bond as a family.
Mothers are tougher than we think, but just be confident when u tell her and dont make a big deal out of it, but tell her she can come into the room as soon as your all done!
Hope this helps a little .....x

Belle - your mum sounds nice! My mum doesn't respect my decisions, so tough love it is :( I told my mum ahead of time that it was to be just us and now she says I never said that - she's so self-centred that if what she hears doesn't fit in with what she wants to hear...it was never said. Oh, and for the record, she 'has forgiven'...:rolleyes: I kid you not! Apparently, I did the wrong thing and I have been 'forgiven!
Then again, my mum didn't want to be a birth partner, she just wanted to be there - even less wanted than a potential birth partner. I wanted DS to be born in as near an intimate environment as his conception - my mum didn't fit in with that picture, funnily enough.

Wow ladies - just wanted to pop my head in and say you've given me a new reason to be thankful for the mum and MIL I have! They wouldn't dream of coming uninvited, and my mum has not even hinted that she would like to be there. (I really don't know if she would or not - something to think about some day maybe, since she only had c-sections, and I know she hated that. Maybe helping at one of my or my sister's births would be nice for her . . . hmmmmmm. Not now though.) MIL did say that if they need an extra pair of hands she'll be there! I just laughed. For now, I'm with you ladies - if you weren't at the conception, you shouldn't be at the delivery! (Unless you're the midwife - can't escape them, I guess! ;))
Anyways, I hope your situations resolve peaceably, and remind yourself that you are not asking anything unreasonable. It is perfectly normal and right to expect to labour and deliver with those you are comfortable with, and no one else. Don't let them guilt you into thinking otherwise. They are the ones being unreasonable!
:hug:

That's great about your mum and MIL, Cricket. My MIL is ace, so that just makes me feel even worse about my mum - it should be MY mum who's ace, at the very least :( A great MIL should be the bonus. Sometimes, knowing about the great mothers has me feeling grumbly and cheated.(ETA: but mostly I deal with it ok!)

I just wanted to add that i wish my mum was like some of urs! She lives about 7hrs away from me and i asked her to come when bub is due to watch my 3yr old and she said no! It didn't really make me feel that important or wanted that she decided work was more important than her daughter, son in law, grandson! She pretty much only has me since she hasnt spoken to my sis or her parents for about 7yrs! She does casual work and im sure if she told them the reason she couldnt work they would be completely fine with it. ohwell her decision i guess! just would have been nice to have someone here for this special time but we can cope without.

hope all goes well with everyones pregnancy and labours!

It was my decision not to have my mother there. We also said that we weren't telling anyone when we went into labour, incase it went too long or it was the middle of the night etc. My mother lives 1.5hrs away, so it would have taken her ages anyway. She got over that the closer the due date. We ended up calling her first, incase she had to work, so she'd have time to arrive before visiting hours. Then again, dh's parents live 15mins away and we rang them and said not to come up til visiting hours and they came up straight away. Go figure.

Good luck and all the best!

MummyNelly - My mum lives 4hours away and already she is making herself "sick" and saying that she maybe too sick to travel to Brisbane for the birth of her second granddaughter who is due in 10wks time. She started this caper 6 months before I got married and only showed up 12 hours before the wedding, then she was sick at the wedding and wanted me to miss my reception to sit with her. She did not even bother to come for my first daughters birth and when I ran her to say that DD had arrived she said that was lovely and promptly told that she had a miragraine!!!!!!

sorry Dragonbub this was thread was supposed to be about you. How did you go talking to your mum this weekend?

Well as my DH couldn't been there for baby number 3 I had my mum fly up to be there for me and I too thought that I would feel really uncomfy but in the end it was about me giving birth and not her. She was really great didnt really do much just let the midwife do what she need to do. But she has said now that it was the best experance for her even though she said she felt helpless as she new the pain I was in but new that there was nothing she could do. I'm am so glad now that I let her come in.
http://lilypie.com/pic/070926/0nqN.jpghttp://b2.lilypie.com/sqNQp10/.png

My mother wasnt at my son's birth as she was interstate and even if she wasnt I still wouldnt have had her there as we have a strained relationship at best and I know she would have been criticising me and giving me the "When I gave birth to you we did/didnt do..........blah blah blah" speeches, as well as demeaning my choice to birth drug free (I always got 'Oh youll be screaming like a banshee and having an epidural within 5min of labour starting', I loved being able to stick it to her that I did it drug free, in complete silence!). Plus my DH hates her and really the birth is all about us, not extended family. That said when the time came my inlaws happened to be in the room because it went so fast and I didnt think to kick them out. Didnt phase me though as they were a great help. My mother has never forgiven me for her not being there but tough titties.

This time round she is closer but I still wont have her there. DH and my friend will be my birth support.

Just tell your Mum that the birth of your child is about YOU and DH, and that although you can appreciate her excitedness and wanting to be there, its YOUR choice and you've decided the answer is no. As for her being at the hospital come he!! or high water, um the nursing staff can ask her to leave and she HAS to go if you dont want her anywhere there. They arent allowed to let every tom- **** and harry in and out of the labour ward just because theyre a mother/sibling/friend/cousin. Just tell the nursing staff that under no circumstance is she to get anywhere near the labour ward until YOU consent, not DH.

Hey Mayaness - wow, they could be sisters! The thing is, mum has moments of temporary sanity where she can be completely reasonable and normal. It is hard to judge.

As it were, we "chatted" yesterday and she took it ok I suppose, if complete denial counts! She pretty much said that she will make her way to the hospital with my sis and sit there all day if she has to. She said "they are sure to have a lounge or something where I will just wait and take a blanket and watch tv". I said that no, they dont' have a lounge and she would have to wait in the reception area. Fine if it is the morning, but during the day people will be coming and going to appointments. She said that didn't bother her and she will go back to my place if she isn't comfortable.

I reiterated that I didn't want to have to worry about her comfort, nor did I want DH and sis worrying about her also, that is why I wanted to know that she was safe and sound at our place. She said that my sister's labours were really quick, so mine is probably going to be quick :(

Anyway, DH and I have discussed it and will be going ahead with our plan to not have her in the room, regardless. If she wants to stay in the reception area and wait 10 hours, that is up to her. Belle - DH doesn't want her to be there either cos he wants bonding time with his new bub without distractions.

Bekz - it is funny, we never seem to get exactly what we want huh? After my sister's second birth, mum was away and didn't come visit for about a week later. When I told her she should be there, she just said "I have seen one birth, I don't need to see them all" like it is about HER and what she needs to see, not whether my sis wanted her to meet her new grandson or not.

So anyway, not what was expected, but at least I have made my feelings clear (as mud maybe, but I have tried...).

Thankyou again for all your support. Don't worry, this thread was never about ME, it is just about dealing with unwanted attention, and as most people have said, the guilt associated with choosing something YOU want, rather than what THEY want. The mother/daughter relationship seems so complicated, that it is hard to put your own feelings first knowing that it could potentially hurt theirs.

Anyway, no more rambling. We shall just see what happens on the day,

Thanks again *hugs* for everyone :D

Hey Nessa - wow, at least my MIL is staying away. She has other things on her mind so I don't have to worry about it. It is a different dynamic with a MIL as it is with a mum, as it is harder to tell her you don't want her there when your mum has been there. I have no advice, other than to commiserate at how selfish they can be, like "pick me, pick me, I want a turn to!" like children. Good luck. Maybe do what one lady suggested and just call them when the baby is born! I would do this but mum really would never forgive me...

Hi all, I must admit I just can't imagine having anyone except my DH there. My Mum & Sister are panickers and fainters so although I'm sure they would love "the idea" of being there in reality it just wouldnt work. I would actually like no one else at the hospital at the time as I really think its important for my DH to bond with the baby. He has actually never held a baby, he has avoided it all these years! so I think its important for him to be comfortable before the onslaught of visitors. I am already starting to think how to tell my Mum that so I can only imagine what its like for some of you. I think the phone call after it happens is a good idea, my parents are only half an hour away but I just have images of them pacing around the hospital or the surrounding areas "waiting for the call" I'm sure I'll be excited when the time comes to show off the baby so it wont be an issue.

Dragonbub,

I really hope your mum co-operates when the time comes.

At the start of my pregnancy i asked my mum and MIL to be at the birth, as well as DH of course. Then as the pregnancy progressed i got more and more nervous about having them both there. To the point that i was stressing about it all the time.

Anyway the afternoon before i went into labour i spoke to my mum about it and told her my concerns and she totally understood (luckily) how i was feeling etc and we came to an agreement that if i felt when i went into labour that she was only a phone call away. I actually think that having that weight lifted off my shoulders i relaxed and that allowed me to go into labour.

When we got to the hospital i was in so much pain etc i decided that i really did need my mum there, so we called them both (my mum and MIL) and got them to both come down. I honestly have no idea how i would have coped without at least just my mum there, and DH without his (he was distraught seeing me in such pain).

I really hope your mum doesnt cause too many probs when the time comes. I have read that if you are stressing about people waiting on the birth that it can hold the labour up.

Try to relax as much as possible.

Take Care,

Prue