Opinion please...

Well DD 15, has got herself a boyfriend, no issues with that at all, I knew the day would come.
Anyway, her best friend is going out with her bf's best friend which is also great, but here comes my problem.....
Her best friends Mum!!
A few weeks ago the mum arranged for them to watch DVD's at her place and had arranged with the boys to sleep over, she called me and told me about it, taking for granted that I would let DD sleep over as wel (DD hadn't even been told about the arrangement yetl, the 4 kids sleeping in the lounge, well, I kind of had a problem with it, said she could watch the DVD's but that i was picking her up at 11pm. I just thought it was a stupid idea, to let 4 teenagers with raging hormones spend the night together.... guess I might be old fashioned or something.
Anyway, this very same mum is now organising a birthday party for her DD, a sleepover, with the boys. Once again I've said no, she can go to the party and I'll pick her up later.
The mum just can't understand why I wont let DD sleepover with the boys, she even lets her DD sleep at the the bf's house....hello!
My question is, am I being unreasonable here???
I feel bad, because I know DD wont be happy about not being able to stay the night, but I just don't want to put her in a situation where she may be pressured into doing something she doesn't want to, especially as her friend and her bf are very much closer as DD is with her bf..
So, am I being unreasonable??

Hell no you're not being unreasonable, there is no way I would ever let a son or daughter of mine have a sleepover with the opposite sex. That is just so ridiculous and I can't believe that this mother approves. My sister was pregnant at 15, so no I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You DD might be upset at the time but she'll get over it, we all do, my mum wouldn't let me go to a party once and sure I was pi$$sed at the time but I got over it and eventually saw why she didn't want me to go.

I don't think you are being unreasonable either. The mum will be sorry latter if her DD turns up pregnant. Stick to your guns!

Hell no, not unreasonable at all!

Absolutely not but I would definitely tell your DD that you feel the way you do (about you being worried that she'll be upset etc). If I had this similar situation with Paris I know I'd definitely be doing what you are doing. I'd also say that I'm upset with x's mother because it puts me in the situation of being the baddy, and I don't want to see you upset over it either blah blah blah. And its not that I don't trust you, I just don't want you being put in an uncomfortable situation, and I know you'll say you won't be but we don't have a crystal ball thats functioning right now so we'll just have to go on my instinct ;) Or something similar LOL! But I'd definitely tell her you're not too happy about her not being able to stay over either. I think had my mother been more like that to me as a kid (not that this ever came up LOL) I think I would have definitely been more understanding. And then maybe offer to have that friend come and stay on a weekend soon after or something ???

*hugs*
Cailin

Thanks guys :)
I did explain to DD the reason why I didn't want her to sleep over, and also that it wasn't because I didn't trust her, but that sometimes things happen when we least expect them to.
Also had a talk with the mum and told her she was being a bit naive about the whole thing, she still doesn't get it...
Her DD is turning 15 and is on the Pill already, if that isn't playing with temptation, then I don't know what is....

Thanks again for the support, makes me feel a lot better O:)

OMG what a horrid mother, but I guess she's being responsible/sensible having her daughter on the pill, especially if her daughter wants to start or is already sexually active.

That's the funny thing Becc, her daughter isn't active, and didn't even have a bf when she went on the pill, had never had one yet either. I would rather DD used condoms when she is ready for it, there are much worse things out there than teenage pregnany.

Jackie, I don't think I can add anything more than "Ditto". Stick with your gut feeling but certainly explain yourself to your daughter. Communication, as you know, is SO important.

Maybe her DD is on the pill for another reason? I dunno, but the mother definitely is very irresponsible allowing boys and girls to have sleepovers together. I agree with you about the condoms though.

OMG... How daft is that mother..... She needs her head read..... my parents would never let me sleep over with BFs of vice versa...

Also Deffinatley condoms are a must.. there are just sooo many horrid STDS & worse out there....

Good luck, but I am sure if you have a strong bond with your DD she will be just fine!!!

Hi Ladies,
I just to comment on this. At the end of the day , you have to go with your gut feel. It is a very hard decision to make.
I really think that if you have taught your daughter (speaking in general - not directed at anyone) the right things, she will be ok. I too have a 14 yo DD and I know how you feel.
On Saturday night we let one of her male friends sleep HERE. They slept in seperate rooms (I am a light sleeper and the doors all squeak so I listened out for them). I would rather that they came here under my supervision , rather than go somewhere else, where I dont know what supervison they will get.
I have hopefully taught her good morals and told her what my life was like. She is a strong person and I believe that she would never let anyone put the hard word on her. But really....if they are going to do it.....they will do it anywhere and at anytime.
Be comfortable with the decision that you make.....I think that you are doing the right thing.

I'm sure DD wouldn't get up to much, but peer pressure and dares etc. can make kids do strange things...
Thanks again girls, I was getting a bit scared that I might be turning into my mother YIKES :)
Reminds me, I must remember to apologise to my poor mum for all the heartache I put through when I was a teenager #-o

Jackie,

this strikes a cord but from a different point of view. My DS is very popular at school, and recently the mum of a girl who was interested in him called me to say she was having a sleepover for her birthday and wanted Shay to stay over.

I am no fuddy duddy, but was shocked that the mum was so blase about teenage boys and girls all sleeping together without parental supervision. As much as every parent wants to believe that their child has been raised properly, I think peer pressure is an amazing coercion. And certainly, boy or girl, the consequences are far reaching.

I didn't let my son stay over, much to his embarrasment. But explained that he has many years of acting like a grown up, he doesn't need to start at 13.

And while I'm sure my kids may get into things that I don't know about, I try to be open with them and hope for the best. More importantly, I try to treat them with consistency and cannot see how sanctioning boy/girl sleepovers teaches them anything except that it's okay for you to go ahead and do whatever you feel like, coz your parents think it's okay too. My kids have had it drummed into their heads from puberty that I won't get in their faces when they finally decide to have sex, but I hope that it is a considered decision and not one done because their frineds pushed them into it, because - and they know this part by heart - there are worse things than pregnancy for a teenager.

Climbing of the :soapbox: now, but wanted you to know I completely agree with you.

love
sushee

OMG..I Totally agree with you. There is no way in the world I would be letting my daughter stay over...geez....shes only 11 now..i have so many things to look forward to #-o Good on you for standing firm though.

Jo

What is that mother thinking.......On your side jackie, you have done the right thing and I am sure one day your dd will agree. I had no pressure from gf's or peers about sleeping with mu 1st, but the pressure from him telling me how much he wanted it was enough to make me do it. I wasn't forced, don't get me wrong, but I was a strong person and gave in to coercion, my bf just kept working the love angle until we did it. I was 16 and 3mths, not tha much older than your dd. My father refused to allow me to go on the pill cos he said that it was a license to have sex and at the time I thought he was an idiot but I understand what he meant. Even if your dd's friend hasn't had sex, she knows it's ok to so it won't be long bf she does, and some parents are naive.

Hope you can keep your good relationship with your dd going, you are showing her how to be open and honest and that is very important. I too have an 11 year old dd and am not looking forward to this happening either.

Cheers michelle

Stick to your guns Jackie - OMG what is going on with some mothers? I think it is TOTALLY inappropriate, for all the reasons already stated.

If they start doing all that stuff now - what is there to look forward to? Sleeping (having sex or not) around with boys at that age will give them a completely blase' attitude towards the situation. What happened to teaching about the importance of trust and your body being a temple etc etc blah, blah, blah YKWIM? Being READY for that kind of commitment.

You know - I have noticed around me SO MANY mothers that are determined that their daughters get boyfriends really young, like it is some kind of achievement. For pity's sake this craps me off.

I know what you mean about getting boy friends to soon Lulu. I'm glad DD has waited until now, she had been asked out a few times before, but said she wasn't going to go out with just any guy, for the sake of being able to say she has a bf... big sigh of relief here :)

Besides all the other reasons already said, something I didn't even think of, but DH brought up, was what sort of reputation would the girls have at school. Even though nothing may have happened, the guys might turn around and say that they had done whatever, the kids at school would be sure to beleive the worst...

Anyway, the birthday party was last night. I let DD stay until midnight, she had a great time, and wasn't at all p*ssed off at having to go home. So it all went well :)

Thanks heaps for all your feed back, it's a huge relief to know that I'm not just an old fogie \:D/

glad it all went well Jackie.

cheers