Remind me that this gets easier...

I just needed to get this out and I don't really want the whole world to see it so mods, I hope you don't mind me posting here.

DS is a week old tomorrow and I'm having a really hard time settling him during the day. It's making me sooo anxious that I've lost my appetite and have been in tears on and off for 3 days now.

My beautiful mum is here with us at the moment and is helping out a lot with DD but I am so anxious about how I am going to cope when she goes home on the weekend. DH went back to work on Monday and is gone from 6am till 6pm most days so it's just me and the kids home most of the day.

I can see for myself that I am putting too much pressure on us both to get into a 'routine' when he is only 6 days old but I just think what if this continues and he stays so unsettled?

The midwife who's been seeing us since we left hospital (we only stayed 30 hours) has been wonderful but all the strategies we've tried just aren't working.

I know I felt this way when DD was born but I guess after our m/c last year, IVF etc I'm just putting too much pressure on both of us for this to be the big happy babymoon it should be.

Someone please remind me that this gets easier, that I will find my confidence as a mum again and that I won't feel this anxious forever. I HATE feeling like this.

Please don't get me wrong, I love my DS more than anything in the world and feel bonded to him etc, it's just so hard trying to juggle him and a 2 yo when he's not sleeping during the day. I feel so guilty that DD is missing out on so much of my time when it's always just been me and her. :cry:

I have been given a book by my sister called SAVE OUR SLEEP by TIzzie Hall..... Its a miracle worker!! Her daughter could cry for 13 hrs without falling asleep, but is now an angel!! My son, who was already pretty good, is now just perfect. Worth a shot. Its a very sensible book, full of routines and ideas.
Good luck honey.

Awww Willow :hugs: It does get easier.

I found this time round I would put Bonnie on the boob as soon as she made a peep. I was constantly feeding and she sometimes only had a nap between feeding, but I found it much better than trying to get a very new baby to sleep.

I hope you can get some rest
xx
Tanya

Willow IT GETS EASIER!!!

Just try to remember that you can only do so much... try not to put all this pressure on yourself and Logan. I know I really can't talk as I only have 1 bub atm...

I guess I just wanted to say You'll be fine, your a great mum and will continue to be

Mel - thanks hun, Sage is Mako's bub though! Easily confused, they're only a few days apart!!

Tanya - I was doing that the first night he came home, constantly feeding but I found he became a bit fussy at the breast with all that feeding and I wasn't getting enough sleep. He seems to be doing better feeding 3 hourly.

Jodie - thanks for the tip, I'll write the name of that book down.

I swear I look at you mums who have like 3, 4, 5 kids in a whole new light these days. I honestly don't know who you do it!

I just changed it Willow... as soon as I hit post I realised I typed Sage not Logan!

Sorry matey, too many bub's going around my head... preggo brain doesn't help.... You were just too quick in reading it!

Willow just wanted to tell you that you are not alone.
My son is 3 weeks old and i have had similar feelings that you do, my DH just went back to work on Monday and i had no idea how i would get through a whole day on my own.
coming home from hosptial was really overwhelming for me, thinking this is my life now, totally turned upside down again.
ok so its only day 3 of dh being at work but its probably not as bad as what you are anticipating.
im sure some days will be tougher then others, i remember with my first son everyone telling me the first 12 weeks are the hardest and it was very true.
I havent really given you any good advise but i think its great you are talking about it because it all helps, your hormones are still all over the place too which would be a big contributing factor to how you are feeling.
is your DD being a lot of extra work atm? My DS was driving me nuts the first 2 weeks, i think he just wants extra attention, they do what they can to get it (if it means being naughty, pulling everything out, getting into mischaief etc) he has this week started to get back to his normal self, so i hope if your DD is a bit unsettled she will get used to having her brother around soon.

Hope your feeling ok

Nickers, thank you so much for posting. I've actually been thinking about posting in the baby buddies Oct thread, even though we missed out by 40 mins and DS is actually a November bub! I just think that it would help to talk to you guys who have baby's of similar age.

Thankfully DD has been wonderful, but she's getting lots of attention from nanny at the moment so I don't know how she'll go once it's just us again.

:hug: these first few weeks are really tough. You're still tired and fragile from the birth, your boobs still haven't settled down and by the sounds of it you're putting pressure on yourself to have "the big happy babymoon".

It's ok to feel tired and anxious - juggling a toddler and a baby is hard work and it takes time for everyone to adjust to the new shape of your family. You're doing fine and it does get better.

I'm not sure that Tizzie's routines are a good solution. Of course they work for some people but I've noticed that lots of mums who try her routines and find they don't work blame themselves not the routine and thereby add to thier stress. (I know how annoying conflicting advice can be - I apologise.)

Have you tried baby wearing? There is a brief article aboit it on the main site Babywearing - The Benefits of Carrying Your Baby . Lots of mums find the HAB is really comfy and doesn't hurt thier back the way that some of the more structured carriers do. The advantage of baby wearing is that you can carry your DS while you interact with your DD so you can give a bit of yourself to both babies.
I also found our amby hammock was a life saver. Both my boys loved it and it can be rocked with a toe or finger while you read a novel or read aloud to your DD. I often popped Yasin in it and then rang up people for a long gossip. The sound of my voice usually put him to sleep lol.

Yep, I agree with Dachlostar. Very good advice, every word. I also tend to think Tizzie's advice can add more pressure to some Mums... not all... if you have an "easy" baby (I really dislike that phrase BTW) then I guess it might not be too bad. I think following babie's cues is the best way to settle so maybe you just need a little longer to get to know your new little guy. I also brought a newborn home to a 2 yo, and an 11 yo... yes, it's very different and often tricky. Baby wearing can be tiring but very worth it if you are your wits end. They do find it very soothing... and it would be good to get your little guy used to a sling too.

A good book I am reading which, if you can find the time/energy is The Science of Parenting. I have found it very inspirational and even though I have 3 children it has opened my eyes to so much.

Oh, and I nearly forgot... it will get easier :hug: you are undergoing a huge learning curve darl... it will plateau out eventually :)

Thank you so much girls, just reading your posts and knowing that I'm not alone in this helps me so much!

I have considered the sling and will see how we go but it seems like a great option on the days that he just won't settle and I need to focus some time on DD.

The other thing is that with DD I tried to do things the 'tresillian' way ie play, feed, sleep routines, controlled crying etc etc and it is a challenge to try to get my mind around alternative methods without feeling like I might be 'making a rod for my own back'. I must say though that while DD was not a great day sleeper when she was a young baby, Tresillian did help me immensely with some feeding problems and eventually with their settling techinques she became and still is a fantastic sleeper.

I promised myself when I carried this little guy around in my belly after waiting and wanting him so much that I would not put this pressure on myself and that I would do whatever worked to keep us both happy but it is hard...

What Dachloster says sounds like great advise. i only recently got a HAB and still getting used to it but the few times i have used it Tyron has settled within a minute or so!

Please do come and chat in the October buddies thread,doesnt matter that "officially" you have a November bub! I still chat with my June buddies 06 and my DS1 came in April.
its always good to know other people are feeling the same or going through the same things as you are, or even not the same maybe something completley different that you are having no troubles with, but you bounce idea's off each other and realise everyone has "something" they need to overcome

i wonder if you are near of far from me, it would be great to meet up. one of the Oct girls Claire is organising a playgroup and most of us going have atleast one other child and a newborn.
First meet up (i know it might be too soon) is Monday the 19th in Parramatta, then we will decide what we will do (thinking a play centre/park or something to keep te older ones occupied) let me know if you may be interested.
im looking forward to something to get me out of the house and also share experiences because we are all going through the same thing.

OH Willow honey - you are so dame lucky you live in a nother state from me cause I'd come over and give you a big hug and tell you that your a wonderful mother.
OF courses its natural to feel the way you do after the long process of having that beautiful ittle man in your arms honey. Your a mum and are worried about whats best...try and step back abit from the pressure and allow yourself to breath a bit. Can you go for a walk to calm your nerves a bit? I found this helped me when I felt anxious and worried when I had Nikolaus. I walked off the worries and I also made sure I took a banana or apple to munch on the way so atleast I was getting something into my tummy.
We're all always here for you, you know that and we all know your a wonderful mummy
Just remember to breathe

Hey Willow. I admire you for raising your DD to toddlerhood!
I remember all too well that horrible anxious feeling when you think about being on your own for the first time. I really feel for you.
The best advice I was given was just to take it day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Don't put too much pressure on yourself - if a routine makes you feel more comfy, work towards it, but don't freak out if you don't get there. There'll likely be lots of tears - from you and your babies, but you'll get through it! Of course you will, and before you know it you'll be 1 month, 2 months on and feeling more and more confident all the time.
Look after yourself. You are doing brilliantly.

Same same hun...
I have found it more difficult to juggle with 2 at home (Maddy at school) but it does get better!

For the first 7+wks Zyon was suffering with Silent reflux & I couldnt put him down, he screamed constantly & then Indah cried wanting me to put Zyon down & pick her up, I would cry in a heap from exhaustion & from my own guilt about feeling like I had desserted Indah!

Hun within a few days/wks things all get better & things just fall into place, there's no perfect routine, so what works for us works for us, but maybe not others! It will all come together!!!!

Just let go of the routines & guilt... It wont help you... So just do what you can each day & soon enough you'll have your own routine!!!

Well said Trace. Yep, let go of the idea of a routine just for now. Wait and see how things naturally fall into place. In a few weeks you might start to see a new routine forming in a way that you've never read or thought of before! Be kind to yourself and your kids... kindness is never a mistake although it can be tiring. Control crying might not be the way to go this time darl. From what I have read it's not really the best basis of a good routine and the chemicals that wash through your baby's brain when they cry during CC for long periods are not good. I don't want to scare you darl, just help, I've been there :hug:

Willow, big hugs to you hun. I remember the feeling well. Jack had been such an easy baby that I was totally unprepared when Tom was crying day and night. I was exhausted and overwhelmed and thought that I would never be able to manage on my own. 12 weeks later things started to get better and then before I knew it, it was easy most of the time.

I totally agree with the sling idea - I would not have survived without mine. Tom was in it a lot. Also forget about house work. Just at the moment I doubt you would be able to get any done, so don't worry about it. The important thing is to get as much rest as you can, which I know is very, very difficult. Any opportunity you get to have someone watch DD and DS while you rest, take. Accept offers of help and ask for help if there are no offers. I give that advice a lot now, as it is something I struggle with myself, but in the end I had no choice, and it was the best thing I did. It is such a short time that things are so intense, I am sure people won't mind doing something to make your life easier until it passes. Also, having some social contact really helps, even if the thought of getting out of the house or having someone over seems like a nightmare. It will make you feel better for a while. Take care of you hun, you are very important too!

My thoughts are with you hun, as I say, I totally know what it is like. But it WILL get better, and you are doing a great job. Make sure you remind yourself of that everyday.

I swear i don't know what i'd do without BB!

Just hearing you girls say you felt the same way helps me more than I can tell you!

He had a pretty good day yesterday and I felt pretty good until this morning when again, I couldn't settle him in his bassinet. He's sleeping soundly in his pram (which is one of the bassinet ones) at the moment and had another big sleep in his pram yesterday afternoon. This seems to be the only way we've (me and my mum!) been able to settle him.

Nic - that playgroup sounds wonderful. I'm in Penrith so Parramatta is not too far. Not sure if I'll be ready to venture that far by the 19th though. I will pop in to the Oct thread today at some stage if I can.

Thank you all so much :hug:

Willow wherever he will settle is perfectly fine!
I was told by my midwife (when I went to her with Zyon due to SR) & was told he had behaviour issues (he was 3ish wks at the time) she tod me babies brains dont fully switch on til around 6mths so anything classed as a 'so called habit' between now & 6mths can be amended... But I found by about 4-6wks (had it not been for undiagnosed SR) you start to get into your won pattern (routine is too strict a word LOL)

Tracey, I just spoke to a midwife who told me the same thing. She said in these early weeks however I get him to sleep is just fine as long as he is sleeping! He's been asleep in his pram for about an hour now!

I just need to try to relax, stop putting so much pressure on myself and stop worrying that we're going to form bad habits. But when he's not settling and I'm in that moment it's hard to remember all of that.

If I need to cuddle him to sleep, then that's what I'll do and i'll enjoy it!

Willow, I worried about the same thing, but I did what I had to do and got Thomas to sleep anywhere and anyhow I could. Once he settled down he became a brilliant sleeper and he still is. So in our case at least, no bad habits were formed at all and no harm done.

I'm so glad to hear to sounding better hun.

Back in 1995 with my first baby I wasn't as experienced and followed other people's/books advice a lot more (denying my intuition) and therefore used controlled crying alot.... I subscribed to the "bad habit" theory too. My first baby was the worst sleeper of all my children.. but maybe that was her personality :dunno: My second baby I did similar things but no controlled crying and I co-slept more. He has been my best sleeper. Despite all the warnings about bad habits he is definitely my most independent sleeper and he DEMANDS to go to bed immediately after dinner each night... infact that is our biggest sleep issue with him: some nights he demands to go to bed before dinner then wakes up hungry. My third baby I am way more relaxed about... i break all the "rules" under the sun... co-sleep (after about 3/4am) BF to sleep, rock to sleep, the works. And you know what, i think he'll be fine. Once you establish trust that you will be there when they are tiny then they will grow up to be more secure and therefore more independent. Why would they grow up to be more insecure (the premise of "bad habits"). Anyhow a lot of this is in the book The Science of Parenting... a great read if you ever find time!

Willow I ma glad... Just go stand in the front/back yard & shake all the tension loose!!!

Not only that I figured if I got some MUCH needed rest & peace, but formed a 'bad' habit, he'd be older & I'd then worry about it!!!

He sleeps fine now!!!

So give Logan a hug & soak up his newborness, coz my man's almost 4mths old & he is growing too fast!!!!

Today has been a good day girls!!

He has fed beautifully and has had 4 sleeps, 1x 1.5 hours, 2x 1 hour and is still asleep now after putting him down at 3pm!!

Feeling pretty good tonight and much more relaxed. I haven't cried all day!!

Well done Willow!! And Logan!!

That's great to hear Willow :) I've been following everything and hoping things do get better for you :) Logan will be a darling I just know it :)

:hug: that's great to hear Willow! babies tend to mirror our moods too so if you are calmer then they often are too :)

Well done WIllow! It sounds like you're getting on top of it all already!

I just wanted to add, re: Tresillian/AC methods - there are not fixed rules about your parenting style, you can mix and match. I carried DD a lot but i've also been known to leave her while i could stand it to cry (i could only stand it for about 40 seconds though) if i needed to. I think whether bubs becomes a good sleeper is very individual and not that much to do with the sleep "training". I know as many co-sleeping 2 year olds who wake every 2 hours as i do CC-trained bubs who do the same. You need to do what is right for YOUR sanity. If you can't stand to hear him cry, don't do it. If you HAVE to have a shower for 5 minutes and he's grizzly, do it, he's safe in his cot and will be ok for 5.

So don't be afraid of "making a rod for your back" as you can always just keep the bits of ANY parenting style that make sense to you and discard the bits you feel aren't useful, and forge your own unique approach. Best of luck and i hope thigns continue to get easier.

Bx

O Honey that is fab news!!!!!!! I am so happy for you!
And to all the girls in here that gave advice..thank you cause ive been taking notes for when I have this bub that I no doubt will go back to. Your all wonderful, strong women! I take my hat of to you all for being so open to share your experiences and knowledge with us all.
MAUW

great to hear willow, i hope you had a good night, i like what hoobley said about mixin and matching what parenting syle works for you and bub, not one particular thing will work for everyone.
i'll let you kow of upcoming playgroups anyway so when you and Logan are settled and ready u can come chat to us mums who are all feeling or have been feeling the way you have been too.

Not such a good day yesterday unfortunately. He was unsettled pretty much all day, had a few short sleeps and then I took him to bed with me in the afternoon and we both had a good sleep. He then slept from about 5pm till 8pm and we had a great night last night. Has been napping in his rocker this morning, anything to get him to sleep at the moment.

At least the weather has improved today and DH is home so we're going to head out and do the groceries, anything to get out for a little while.

There'll be good days and bad days Willow, I still have bad days and Tom is 13 months now! But overall it sounds like it is already improving for you which is fantastic news. A bit more sleep and you'll be on top of the world again!

ONe of the things I thought I would mention is to become familar with the tired signs. It sound slike you are having some good days & its normal to have some bad ones. I use to mistaken Evas tired signs for him being board. Once I was shown what to look for,s ettling him became so much easier but he was a cat napper also so I would get him down & have a max of 40 minutes to have a shower etc.

One thing to remember about settling them though, is once they are crying its too late. You need to get there & settle them before they get to that point. So watch for the grizzles, the clentched fists waving around, rubbing his face etc. As soon as you see anything you think is a sign that he is ready for a sleep, pounce on him. Also, are you wrapping him? If not, you may like to try that. I think it helps alot. Some babies fight it at first so the parent may think they don't like it so give it up. But if you persist with it you will get them settled & sleeping much better I think.
Good Luck & I hope things are improving for you.

Thanks FJ, yep, things have slowly been improving over the last few days, I hope they continue that way!!

I do watch for his tired signs and he is most definitely wrapped! I don't think he particularly likes being wrapped but I know it's better for him so I'm not going to give in. It's hard when he's all hot and grunting and trying to get his hands free though! I know he'll get used to it.

His tired signs are a bit hard to pinpoint just yet but I think I'm getting better at picking them.

I've also noticed that the more relaxed I've become, the better he's been (touch wood!!)

Hi Willow sweets,
So glad that things are improving with Logan! Alex is a good sleeper but I did find she was quite unsettled for the first few weeks and she was arching her back alot, she had some tummy trouble and some wind. I took her to the chiropracter and turns out she was a little out due to the long and difficult labour (she was stcuk in an odd possie for some time) so after a few visits she really settled and started sleeping right through from about 7 weeks.

But I do also find she is more irratible if its hot, so I leave her in a nappy and singlet and wrap her in a muslin wrap and that seems to help her get to sleep.

Your a wonderful mummy and im sure your two gorgeous children just adore you and know how wonderful you are even if they cant express to you with words just yet!

Take care,
Lisa

Hey Lisa!

Funnily enough, we started taking DS to a chiropractor last week. He's only had two sessions so far.

I don't know if it is this or the fact that yesterday we moved him to his cot and darkened his room for day sleeps but after a few really awful days of him not sleeping much at all (and me just about reaching breaking point), he has been almost perfect today. Settling himself to sleep and having sleeps of about 2.5/3 hours (he is fed 3 hourly most of the time)!!!

PLEASE, please please I hope it lasts!

Willow - I so hear you. My DS is now 7 months. He was a fantastic sleeper until about 5 months and then it went down down down. I didnt want to use controlled methods and was just searching and searching for some help.
I can honestly say that the best thing for me was to realise that I was putting too much pressure on myself and feeling like his sleeping was a reflection of my parenting. But it isn't. Babies are biologically supposed to sleep lighter than adults. Some babies sleep better than others. Some babies that are great sleepers turn into terrible sleepers and vice versa. But they all get better in the end. Sure, there are things you can do to promote sleep but you can't force sleep.
It was a huge relief for me to realise that it isn;t my fault that DS wakes up several times overnight and now I am a lot more relaxed and happier because I feel like I can ride out the worst of it.
And I have to say I have noticed that the days when we are relaxed and happy and have a giggle while we are going to sleep are the easiest ones to get him to sleep in.

So....big hugs. I totally understand how you feel. It does get better. :)

Willow

Sounds like over the month things have really improved. Don't forget your doing a great job!! Have you read back to remind yourself of how things have improved for you.

I hope they continue to get better and better.

Hi Willow.

Nicholas did nothing but cry until he was about 8 weeks old. At 4 weeks, we realised he had reflux, and by 8 weeks, his medication had started to work. In that time, he would only settle in our arms while we bounced on a fit ball, so we would sleep one at a time, while the other one settled the baby. It was exhausting! I bought a HAB on a recommendation from someone on BB, and I swear, I almost cried the first time I put him in it and he fell alseep! I practically wore him for the next few months, and he finally settled into a good routine by about 12 weeks.

It was so hard though, and I really found myself wondering why I had another baby! It was such a shock to the system after my daughter was such a placid, happy baby who was a textbook sleeper.

Hang in there, and good luck! Soon, you will be able to look back at these days as a distant memory, and remember, when you are having a bad day, think to yourself, you will never have to live that day again, and tomorrow is a new day!