We now have an angel...

Sun, Mon & Tues this week we received 3 x faint pos hpt's along with pregnancy symptoms so we got excited and I went for a BT to confirm it before we announced it or got too excited.

BT result came back yesterday afternoon that showed only 3mIU hcg and the doctor told me that you are either a) about to have an early miscarriage / chemical pregnancy OR b) there is a very very slight chance the hcg could rise and become viable pregnancy. I knew what the outcome would be, there and then. I knew in my heart that we'd lost our angel. A day earlier i had done another hpt only to find it was extremely faint and barely readable but i ignored it as i didnt want to accept that i might have been losing the pregnancy.

I was only pregnant for 4.1wks.... OR you could say 2.1wks really but i only knew about the pregnancy for 5 days :crying:

I woke up today knowing AF was going to hit me and hit me hard she did. She came with revenge today and i had a pretty hard time of it dealing with the AF pain (was at work :( ).....

I know I wasn't pregnant for very long but it just hurts me to know that we were pregnant and didn't even have the chance to enjoy it, but i know that thats probably for the best that it was that way.....

I had pregnancy symptoms from very early on, and some people might say "don't test early because you may end up finding out something you didnt want to know re: chemical pregnancy" however I just KNEW I was pregnant so it was only normal for me to test with hpt to confirm it and i was right.

I just miscarried only 2hrs ago in the shower and i hadnt cried until just then. I felt bad because i hadnt cried at all today but to be honest, i was just numb from the whole experience... its all happened very fast. Reality hit me and it hurt me so much. I just started sobbing as I realised what was happening to me in the shower and as i saw things i've never seen before. It was extremely upsetting for me. :( You don't realise how much it's going to affect you until it happens. I just kept saying " i'm sorry, I'm sorry" because i feel like why couldn't i have kept it? i wanted this so very much then why couldnt we have this baby"? but i know its not our time yet....and i know its not our fault it happened either. just part of life...

I feel i have learnt so much in such a short amount of time this week and i feel i can draw from this sad experience, some positive things.... I now know that we can conceive again and that it is possible for us, and I know that there was nothing we could do to control this situation. And i hope i can give strength to others who read this that are going through the same thing (i know someone else on BB, who is going through this right now too with me) and that you can feel hopeful again after experiencing your loss.

I now have so much more respect and a greater understanding of miscarriages and i'm so sorry for anyone who has ever had one. :(

Thank you for reading my feelings.

i'm so sorry for your loss renstar

Renstar I am so so sorry to hear of your and your Dp's loss. we're all here for you when you need us. Sending lots of love and hugs

:hugs: So very, very sorry petal. :(
It's your right to be sad and to cry and to let your man just hold you. Take it easy over the weekend. It just was not meant to be right now.
Thinking of you!

My computer is acting up :angry:

ren - you know i'm always here for you :grouphug:

Sorry for your loss. It's not an easy thing to go through, even when it's really early. Take care.

Oh Renstar - Im so sorry to hear about your loss. It doesn't matter how long you were pregnant, or how long you knew about it. You have still lost something that is heartbreaking and takes time to heal. :hug:

Ren - im so very sorry hun .... sending you huge :hug:

I'm so sorry for your loss. Take it easy and be kind to your self. :hug:

Im so sorry for ur loss, take care of urself :hug:

I am so sorry to hear about your loss hun. It doesn't matter how long you knew about your pregnancy for or how long you were pg, it still hurts. Cry as much as you want and be kind to yourself. It all takes time to heal but you will get there hun :hug:

Im so sorry Ren....you are in my thoughts sweety..

hugs
treelo

Thank you for your support and kind words everyone.

*hugs* Hun. I'm sorry again. Just take it easy and take care of yourselves.

Renstar,

I'm really sorry to hear of your loss - no matter how earlier, or even if you were thinking you were going to m/c - it still hurts so very much.

Take care.

my sympathies renstar...your time will come :)

Renee, I am so sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter how early it happens, it is still very hard. But you do sound like you have the right attitude and will get through this. And your post was really lovely, thoughtful and well written. I am sure that others will be comforted by it. Big hugs to hun. As you know, this is just one bump on the road to parenthood - each one brings you closer!

Hugs babe....so sorry for the loss of your much wanted angel.

OH honey I am so sorry to hear of your and DH loss. Thank you for sharing your story with us and I hope it has helped a bit to debrief.
I now have so much more respect and a greater understanding of miscarriages and i'm so sorry for anyone who has ever had one.
honey you dont have to explain it.....but I know exactly what your saying.
Thank you fo ryour consideration towards others in YOUR time of need. You truely are a beautiful person.

hi renstar,
I dont think we have chatted before but I occasionally lurk in the ttc1-6 mths thread and was following with bated breath your journey of the last few weeks, I was so happy for you to be one of the lucky ones who conceivealmost straight away.
I am so sorry that you (or any of us..) have had to go through this.
sending you the biggest of hugs, one wise lady once posted to me after my mc that at least now you know you can conceive....its a start. wishing you all the best with your future ttc.
dont worry too much (easily said, I know) it will happen.
love bec
xxx

:grouphug: I'm sorry for your loss and I know what you mean about feeling pregnant and now nothing. I guess it wasn't the right time for your little :angel: and if you need to vent then go for it. Let's hope our :angel: are in a better place now

Oh Renstar... my heart is breaking for you and your DH sweetie.
Please know you are both in my thoughts right now.
Huge big hugs to you :hugs:

Im sorry to hear of your loss Ren, I will keep my eye on you, we will miss you in the forum.
Best wishes and a huge BFP coming your way,
Love Jen

Mantaray - thank you for saying my post was well written. It helps to get it all out and helps with the grieving process I feel... certainly helped me straight away. I am feeling more positive about it all now & i am proud of the way i have handled it over the last 3 days...

Maz - aww thank you *hugs*

StarrySky - that is a very wise thing to say...and you're right. Knowing that I can conceive in our 1st month of trying is something special, even though it didnt last, at least we have that knowledge now that we are probably very fertile and shouldn't have too many problems (fingers crossed) for the near near future. I'm so grateful for that.

Milka & Lisa - i'm sorry for your recent losses also *hugs* yes i'm sure they are in a better place definitely...

Scorpiomum - i'm sad i won't be able to be in your bellybuddies thread with you all however i know it wasnt my turn just yet.... its your turn, and i wish you all the very best for H&H pregnancy!

* I have been feeling better today and even though i have my moments, where i feel very sad, i then have moments where i'm feeling so positive and know that one day soon we'll have our little one and it will stick for us... one day when we hold our baby in our arms we'll know that all this happened for a reason.

Yesterday was difficult when I went to the shops by myself and i walked past a young couple with a newborn in the pram and i felt pretty teary after seeing the baby, i guess just my hormones maybe... but i soon picked myself up!!! Carried on with things.... because i know our turn will come around soon...

Keep your chin up Renstar you are likely to have many moments like that in public over the next couple of months. The thing I found the hardest was seeing pregnant women and for some reason I've found that I am surrounded by then whenever I've had a loss. The sadness can hit you at any time. Once I ended up in tears in Big W cos the only top I liked in the whole shop turned out to be a maternity one.

Hey Renstar- big hugs to you! Have plenty of rest- i find panafen plus helps with alot with pains. Take it easy and be kind to your slef and let your self feel what you feel.

I know what u mean about "feeling" pregnant- i felt the same with my early loss- i started thinking i was going crazy coz i felt pregnant- yet i was only getting faint lines- it was really frustrating.

Good luck if you are trying hard this month!! we are on almost the same cycle day- so good luck and i am sure we will both have some good news!!

Star Bright

Starbright - thanks *hugs* we feel ready to start ttc again this cycle. we don't want this to set us back at all, unless of course the doc says we shouldnt be trying straight away? I have a few questions to ask about it all so i might start a thread... i am seeing doc tomorrow too just for a chat with her.

I am :pray: you and I both get our very dark BFP's this cycle & they stick!

Hi Renee, I'm so sorry for your loss, I too had been lurking in the ttc thread reading up on your story, each day I would come in to work and look out for your posts, i was devastated to read of your loss. You sound so unbelievably strong, and you are right one day you will be holding your bubs and seeing that it all happened for a reason and thats one of the hardest things to realise no matter how far along the pg journey that you lose your child, I am still coming to terms with that myself. I do sit and think you know if it wasn't for my loss I wouldn't be in the position I am in today, and I can honestly say that that as hard as it is and I much as I want my daughter back, I am probably a better person then I was before my loss. The other thing to think about when you do see couples with newborns is to think maybe one day they were in your or my shoes. I still find it hard to think that, but it knocks a bit of sense in to me.
anyway enough of my babbling, thinking and praying for you hon.

Renstar - Just wanted to send you {{{HUGS}}}

Klee - thank you hun *hugs* thats lovely you were following my posts... it was a confusing week because i just knew i was pregnant yet the tests (BT tests) were showing otherwise! the hpts were showing faint pos hpts! finally when the gp told me the level of the hcg in my system i just knew what had happened :( it wasnt meant to be... i am grateful that my body has detected this so so early rather than later. i can only imagine what others have gone thru with their miscarriages happening well into the pregnancies... i'm so so sorry for your great loss :hugs: i truly am. must have been so sad for you :( but you really do grow from these experiences dont you? and i totally agree with you, when i saw the newborn in the pram on Sat, i was so sad and slightly envious of this young couple yet then as i walked away, it came to me that maybe they have gone thru what i am going thru, who knows?!? so i quickly brought myself back to reality.
JLK - thanks so much :D